Today, I was awakened from a peaceful sleep by my crazy ex-girlfriend, who apparently duplicated my keys before our break up three months ago. She was on top of me, stroking my beard, whispering, “He looks like Jesus.” FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I woke up to my psycho roommate trying to baptize me in my sleep. FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of my psycho ex trying to break down my apartment door. FML
Today, I woke up at my crazy ex-girlfriend's house, naked and disoriented. You know, the kind of crazy like we-didn't-break-up-it-was-just-a-fight now-we-can-get-married crazy. She says everything's fine now and she's so glad we've "started our family." FML
Today, I was sleeping in after working a graveyard shift. I awoke to my girlfriend sneaking her stuff out of the house. She planned on leaving her key on my pillow and taking off without any notice whatsoever. FML
Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML
Today, I was woken up by my drunk girlfriend calling me and saying how much she loves me. She then stopped to tell the guy she was in bed with to be quiet because I might hear him. FML
Today, my ex-girlfriend woke up from a coma that lasted a few months. Her parents called me from the hospital shortly after because she was in hysterics that I wasn't there. Apparently she thinks we're still together, and I now have to somehow break up with her again after almost a year apart. FML
Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend, but it wasn’t actually her. What happened last night? FML
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML
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Top comments
Rebecca1993 0
._. boy do you know how to pick them.
xCrackerx 3
She sounds like a keeper. Always by your side, just like a dog. That's loyalty.
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Comments (156)
Myrenhi 0
Rofl this fml made me laugh out loud.
wafflesgirl24 0
put a chair against your door... be may be able to unlock the door but the chair will screw her up lol
Hansemans 17
And should she still manage to get in, there's still another way you can use the chair to keep her out.
D11Churchkill 8
if she's hot, you should've raped her
ArielTheMermaid 17
it wasn't funny until I read the jesus part....LOL
PlasmaVirus 4
You should've sent her to Hell.
AtomicBryce 0
holy fuching shit will now probably hav some horrific nitemears
EmoVampire13 3
hey, even as a straight guy i think jesus looks pretty attractive.
nessaspissed 0
Maybe she really thought you were Jesus...
rawrlove16 0
Time to get a restraining order 0.0 or a buy her a strait jacket and tell her it's an anniversary present.
dirty_harry_007 14
Wow that is so creepy! Are you sure it wasn't a dream? haha but yes, f your life!