Intimacy: Communication

Communication

By ohyaknow - 30/09/2010 09:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I have ever or would ever fake an orgasm. I assured him that I wouldn't, when he has actually never given me one. I didn't have the heart to tell him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 967

You deserved it 37 472

Intimacy

Triage

It's called a calendar

Gatekeeping gamers

By John - 24/06/2011 23:58 - United States

Today, while walking home I was jumped by two guys, one of whom shouted, "You shouldn't have run your mouth off, Rick!" My name is John. Only after they repeatedly axe-kicked me in the chest did they realize their mistake. It now hurts to breathe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 059

You deserved it 3 237

By At least she knows I floss - 25/08/2017 14:15 - United States - Pomona

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents and everything was going perfectly. He and I even had some time alone upstairs, where I gave him a blowjob. After dinner, his mom helpfully pointed out something stuck in my braces and inspected it for me. It was a pube. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 469

You deserved it 5 215

By anonymous - 27/03/2013 23:55 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I awoke to my husband talking to someone on the phone at 2am. I heard him say, "Baby you're making me hard." Immediately, I asked him who he was talking to. His response? "It's Jake, from State Farm." FML

I agree, your life sucks 88 991

You deserved it 9 220

By Cherie - 09/12/2009 16:31 - United States

Today, I received a private message on Facebook, from a woman I've never heard of, subject: "Eric X's wife says HI." She goes on to say that she is going to find me, and ruin my life the way I have ruined hers. I've never even heard of Eric X and am happily engaged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 238

You deserved it 2 442

By HOe HOe HOe - 02/11/2011 02:36 - United States

Today, I was trying to get my boyfriend in the mood so I held his hands against the bed, and whispered, "Have you been a bad boy?" Thinking he'd say something kinky back, he replied "Yes Santa" then burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 962

You deserved it 16 206

By girlsgottagotoo - 26/06/2016 20:52 - United States - Covina

Today, I passed a cashier when I came into a store. Later I passed him again as I was leaving, and he asked me if I needed help finding something because I had been in the store for a while. I told him I had been browsing upstairs, but in reality, I had been in the restroom the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 549

You deserved it 1 504

By AtLeastIGetOvertime - 02/08/2019 14:00 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I asked my supervisor if I could take a week off next month to go visit family. He laughed and said, "That's funny, I've put you down for extra time that week, so you can cover my shifts while I go to Spain!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 819

You deserved it 161

By rowie1311 - 27/03/2011 18:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I joked with my dad, saying I'd gotten my boyfriend pregnant. In response, he slapped me, threw my phone across the room, smashed my laptop, and then took a moment for what I'd said to sink in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 488

You deserved it 31 021

By thegirlofthedad - 29/01/2013 09:48 - India - Mumbai

Today, I saw a lady who had fainted. I ran over to help, only to find out that she was unstable and had a knife in her hand. She was pointing it at me, and growled threateningly every time I tried to move away. It took the cops an hour to defuse the situation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 568

You deserved it 2 767

It's not karaoke night, mom

By RadioactiveKush - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Monroe

Today, my drunken mom began to frantically scream, "YEAH", "WOO HOO", and, "ALRIGHT" at some kindergarteners that were singing 'Amazing Grace' in honor of a restaurant owner who had recently died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 688

You deserved it 2 555

Mirror, mirror

By Zubat - 15/07/2021 22:01

Today, my boss confided that he doesn't like having interns in the workplace, because he finds it insulting that someone who hasn't finished their education can do our jobs. My boss frequently brags about being a high school dropout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 838

You deserved it 67

Timing is key

By Anonymous - 17/09/2021 08:04

Today, we live in a society where an Uber Eats order arrives a lot faster than the authorities. To make things worse, the Uber Eats order arrives screwed up as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 671

You deserved it 101

By kfoehslfns - 01/08/2010 08:45 - United States

Today, I was woken up at 3:00 am to the sound of a tape recording of a baby crying, loudly. This has been going on for 3 nights, non stop. Why? because I brought up the subject of having a baby with my wife. Clearly, you can see where she stands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 360

You deserved it 12 681

By Anonymous - 17/05/2011 16:15 - United States

Today, I posted my status on Facebook as "slightly hungover." My grandma commented on it with "liar, you were helping me clean last night." She's right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 350

You deserved it 70 123

By Anonymous - 22/08/2019 02:00

Today, I learned something new. I knew that ripening apples release some kind of gas that affects other fruit. But I learned that apparently, it can also affect living plants. Meaning that if you keep a windfall of apples in the same room as a potted rose, the rose will die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 304

You deserved it 220

By karebear - 09/09/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months said he wasn't going to break up with me, he was just going to stop touching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 606

You deserved it 4 626

By sauce - 24/09/2010 06:33 - United States

Today, after months of looking, my fiancé and I finally signed a lease. We are using my savings to pay for it. This apparently poses a "moral dilemma" for my in-laws who think we should wait to be married. I'm paying for an apartment I'm not allowed to live in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 360

You deserved it 6 269

By crap - 26/03/2009 08:37 - Thailand

Today, I went out with this girl I really liked and she came back to my place. Things were heating up and we ended up having sex and I was on top. I was really into it and in the middle of it she held up her wrist and said "oh, look at the time, I gotta get home". She wasn't wearing a watch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 92 349

You deserved it 17 760

By Anonymous - 30/10/2009 16:23 - United States

Today, I went to a social event with a very attractive male co-worker. Things were going awesome, we were flirting and really hitting it off. Then his 'wife' called. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 469

You deserved it 7 154

By Anonymous - 20/12/2009 19:57 - Canada

Today, in the middle of having sex, my boyfriend of two years got a call. After taking the call, he said, "It's an emergency," and that he has to go. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me is wife is going into labour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 413

You deserved it 6 002

By wilmerjean - 08/09/2011 20:47 - United States

Today, I had to spend the morning and afternoon waiting for my uncle to take a crap after his hernia surgery. It never happened, and in the end I drove home, only to find the highway just as backed up as my uncle's colon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 250

You deserved it 3 108

By weddingblues - 30/05/2011 04:19 - United States

Today, my fiancé informed me he didn't want a regular wedding cake, he wants a Batman cake. I have nothing against this, except that he already decided the wedding theme would be Star Wars. Essentially, I'm marrying a child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 512

You deserved it 23 585

By broke and hungry - 30/05/2015 18:53 - United States - West New York

Today, I had to skip lunch to work on a big project, so I stopped by a vending machine. The number I wanted was 126, but I accidentally typed 124, using my last dollar. 124 was the only empty row. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 361

You deserved it 5 515

By well then... - 21/02/2009 23:37 - United States

Today, I was approached by a girl who called me a slut for sleeping with her boyfriend, then punched me in the face. I'm a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 375

You deserved it 3 369

By johnnydoe6969 - 20/11/2011 23:51 - United States

Today, I went camping and shared a tent with this girl I have been sleeping with here and there for a year. To impress her, I popped a certain male enhancement supplement. Thirty minutes later I found out she was on her period. What a long night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 720

You deserved it 45 966

By bender - 10/02/2010 05:03 - Canada

Today, I decided that it would be good exercise to shovel the ice on the backyard patio. Now I can't stand up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 214

You deserved it 7 718

By Liz - 26/03/2016 19:26 - United States - Torrance

Today, my boss/husband fired me from my job because I didn't sleep with him last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 208

You deserved it 3 573

By Lilly - 30/10/2012 18:45 - United States

Today, my husband and I found out that our dog was pregnant. He now refuses to have kids with me for at least two years, because he wants to raise the puppies without any "distractions". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 855

You deserved it 4 329

By Anonymous - 11/01/2013 19:47 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, one of my paintings was accepted into a local art gallery. It would've been a dream come true, had my "best friend" not submitted it under her own name and taken all the credit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 274

You deserved it 3 015

By WTTFFFF - 09/05/2014 17:24 - United States - Tecumseh

Today, the creepy kid who sits behind me in English class decided that sniffing my hair wasn't disturbing enough for his liking, so he tried something new: popping one of the pimples on my neck. When I reacted in horror, all he could say was, "It looked pretty..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 741

You deserved it 4 729

By Anonymous - 29/06/2013 14:57 - United States

Today, I've come to the conclusion that my phone addiction is getting out of control after I typed my PIN code into the microwave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 601

You deserved it 39 758

By Anonymous - 02/08/2009 21:20 - Canada

Today, a moth was flying around my house. Annoyed, I picked up a shoe to crush it with. The moth landed on a light fixture on the ceiling, so I made my move. Dead, the moth slipped gracefully through air and onto my head. So did the light fixture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 804

You deserved it 51 894

Keep your distance

By Anonymous - 12/04/2020 08:00

Today, my roommate told me she had developed a rash on her armpits, which causes them to be itchy. The doctor told her the only way to heal it is to not wear deodorant for a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 530

You deserved it 162

By anonymous - 06/06/2013 04:14 - United States - Tehachapi

Today, I saw a man on my bike that was stolen a few years ago. I asked him if I could have my bike back just wondering what he'd say. He calmly replied, "Hell no, I stole this fair and square." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 738

You deserved it 6 509

Awkward conversation

By anon - 28/12/2019 05:00 - United States - La Puente

Today, I had to have a very difficult and awkward conversation with my best friend about her fiancé hitting on me. She seemed completely unfazed and ended up admitting that a three-way with me was actually her idea, but she didn't want to "weird me out" by asking me about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 478

You deserved it 347

By JustShutUp - 27/07/2016 18:40

Today, my neighbour was singing in the shower so loud that I could understand every word. He was singing "Purple Rain", which wouldn't have been so bad if he only knew a bit more of the lyrics. He has been singing those same two words for half an hour now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 450

You deserved it 923

By UnluckyJulie - 02/11/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, it was my 17th birthday. I didn't want my family to spend money on a cake, so my dad made this delicious apple ring. At least, it was great until my mouth began to itch and my throat closed. I have been allergic to nuts since birth, and my dad put walnuts in my birthday cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 258

You deserved it 2 686

Disgusting

By ocdeane - 01/10/2019 22:00 - Germany - Mainz

Today, I noticed a disgusting, cheesy smell and spent all day wondering what it was. I later found out that it wasn't coming from my feet, but from my belly button. My surgery wound got infected. I'm a germaphobe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 522

You deserved it 245

By MikeNick - 17/12/2011 07:59 - United States

Today, I somehow managed to slam my trumpet case closed on my nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 654

You deserved it 9 778

By Ally - 27/09/2015 01:47 - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I wrote a song for my boyfriend on paper. The first thing he did was correct my grammar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 967

You deserved it 8 429

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Top comments

codgod93 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 16:05

well that's just too bad. man up and tell him so he can maybe work on giving you one!

perdix 29

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Thursday 30 September 2010 16:16

That is a question no man should ever ask -- there is only one answer that will always be given. As far as we are concerned, it doesn't matter to us whether your orgasms are real or not, they are just signals that we are doing it right. If you are faking, you are just screwing yourself (figuratively) because you are letting him get away with inadequate performance. If you lay there quietly as he pumps away, he might get the hint that he has work to do down there with his fingers and his tongue.

codgod93 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 16:05

well that's just too bad. man up and tell him so he can maybe work on giving you one!

Ilovelife07 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 16:36

agreed!

Ilovelife07 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 16:39

just make sure to tell him in a way that won't hurt, its prolly a very sensitive subject

Ilovelife07 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 16:42

or if you're afraid cuz you already lied, listen to number 2 and start giving him helpful pointers

Ilovelife07 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 16:48

actually, just ignore my advice lol. idk what I'm talking about

luigisf 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 17:37

ilovelife, That was rally awkward...

tinooh 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 18:18

yeah I agree with 1 man up or don't complain YDI

seanders 10

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Thursday 30 September 2010 18:56

Well there's an orgasm face in your picture lol.^^

pimplayer 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 19:29

your a fake biotch!!

McCamryn123 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 22:20

i love life has a small dog standing on his chest..lol..(:

cstevanus 4

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Thursday 30 September 2010 22:39

i love life, just to say, you got an adorable puppy on you

tj79 3

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Friday 1 October 2010 2:28

that is sad. girls need to be honest with their partners. if you don't tell him the truth and help him get you off then this is a YDI . it's the only way he will get better

justscream15 0

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Friday 1 October 2010 3:18

the dogs so cute lol

iHOOT4Hooters 0

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Friday 1 October 2010 5:19

Tell him the truth. Be sure not to say something like, "I only ever fake orgasms with you, baby". That may not end well....

klutzycleo 5

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Friday 1 October 2010 9:51

OP, some practical advice: instead of telling him you've faked etc, during sex (this will really put him off, and he won't trust you about it again), just guide his hand to where it makes you feel good. Like, use his hand etc OR YOU take charge. Get on top and show him how it's done!

fylkman 0

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Tuesday 5 October 2010 3:34

has anyone else noticed that he said man up and shes a girl

kapithicus 0

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Tuesday 5 October 2010 5:23

really awkward, like highschool health teacher akward

10_4Franky 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 16:07

That's sad. You can help him out during sex you know.

bailes_o_hay 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 21:21

yeah really. don't fake an orgasm in the first place

Sun_Kissed18 25

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Thursday 30 September 2010 23:24

Never! Don't you know you are just supposed to lay there and hope its good and give absolutely no feedback unless it is lies about how amazing they are? /sarcasm

Alkix 2

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Friday 1 October 2010 5:19

Yeah listen to #98. Women are supposed to only have sexual pleasure if their partner is capable of giving it to them. The laws of nature state: "A woman may not under any circumstances, have open discourse with her partner about her sexual needs. Nor is she allowed to attempt to achieve pleasure through her actions during a sexual encounter. She must remain passive and either be pleased, not pleased, or exist somewhere in the middle." So you can clearly see that the authority on sexual interactions for women indicates that you'll never have an orgasm with your partner. On the other hand, at least you won't crap yourself during sex like some people.

HighStakes 0

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Friday 1 October 2010 5:31

Practice makes perfect ;)

22cute 17

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Saturday 5 May 2012 6:47

What a cute lil bike, 83!

Nomazlab 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 16:07

YDI for lying. You just made everything a lot more awkward.

HighStakes 0

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Friday 1 October 2010 5:33

Agreed... I'd rather have a bitch for a girlfriend rather than a lying one.

mrssuarez2011 12

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 18:30

And how would she be a bitch for him failing to give her an orgasm?

22cute 17

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Saturday 5 May 2012 6:44

I agree with #3. She may as well break up with him now if she's going to lie about that. That's only going to create an ever widening gap between them.

gm_jack 1

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Thursday 30 September 2010 16:07

If you told him, you could work on it. Look forward to rubbish sex for the rest of your life.

RedPillSucks 31

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Thursday 30 September 2010 16:10

Instead of lying to him, help him figure out how to please you. Or maybe he was asking you to fake it so he would feel more manly?

schwancy 2

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Thursday 30 September 2010 16:10

Maybe that's something you two need to talk about. Nothing is going to change if you keep faking.

xoCOURTNIEox 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 17:52

that sucks just talk to him & tell him the way you want him to move problem solved :)

SpaceMannn 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 16:11

show him where your G spot is.

tinooh 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 18:22

you know the "g spot" is still just kind of a myth haha science teacher told us about it when he overheard a group of girls started talking about it...the girls looked dumbfounded after that

joa76 3

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Friday 1 October 2010 4:04

Tell that to the girls who've had g-spot orgasms...

icadragoon 11

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Friday 1 October 2010 4:55

it's an actual spot, google it.

jose1760 1

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Thursday 30 September 2010 16:13

Well you have to fake it with him for the rest of your life now! just like a true woman!!

MAGNAVOX 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 16:15

Ydi for dating guys with chodes. Buy him a strap on.

perdix 29

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Thursday 30 September 2010 16:16

killabee 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 16:33

Right-o. However laying there quietly as he pumps away isn't going to help anything. Why women think their own orgasm is completely up to the man, I'll never know. How about a middle ground between screaming fake orgasms and laying there like a corpse?