Today, after an argument with my girlfriend, I tried to be dramatic by slamming my car door shut as hard as I could. Something broke and now it won't open. Now I have to climb through the passenger's side just to drive my car to work. FML
Today, the waste disposal truck managed to tip over a Portapotty on our work site, causing the contents to overflow and run down the bank towards my Portakabin office, where someone had left the door open. All my money, ID, and my car keys are now shut off to me by a river of shit. FML
Today, I was yelled at by a bunch of angry people because I couldn't physically move out of the way while 10 more tried to force their way onto a subway in Shanghai. Then one old lady started hitting me with her purse to get me to move even more. FML
Today, after coming home from an AFL match in Melbourne at about 11pm, I saw a woman asleep on the train as we neared the end of the line. Being a nice person, I went to wake her, to which she started screaming and trying to punch me. FML
Today, I was late for work, so I grabbed my handbag, my sports bag and ran out. The bus arrived at the stop just as I did, so I hopped on and sat down, trying to catch my breath. I dumped my bags onto my knees and looked down to see my cat, staring back at me from inside my sports bag. FML
Today, my friend got pulled over. The cops searched the car and found a bong among the stuff we were moving to her new house. When they confronted her with it, she told them it must be mine, and that she'd never seen it before. FML
Today, after replacing several components on my new used car, I realized that the reason it wasn't getting the gas mileage it was supposed to because my coworkers take turns siphoning my gas while I work. FML
Today, my flight was at the other side of the airport. I ran to the gate, to find that the flight had moved to the other side of the airport. So I ran again to miss my plane by a minute. However I did get a new flight... at the other end of the airport. FML
Today, a dog bit me on the bus. Instead of apologising, its owner said it was my fault because my hands "must smell of meat". I'm a vegetarian. FML
alaillama tells us more.
alaillama 14
OP here: just to say that a) it was a small lap dog, but very ferocious. The bus was very crowded so I was pressed up against the dog, holding my phone with one hand and the other by my side (it bit that one); b) I had washed my hands just 20 minutes before getting on the bus (in the LADIES toilets), so they must have smelled on soap or of nothing at all. I checked afterwards and I couldn't smell anything unusual; c) thankfully my stop was pretty close so it wasn't long before I could treat it Thanks for all your concerns in the comments! It's really nice to hear them- it's healing quickly and hopefully there won't be a scar :) xxx
Today, I went on a Segway tour in Budapest. The Segways have an automatic speed limiter, and to release it and get back to normal speed, you have to brake. Unfortunately, I forgot my speed limiter was on and so, while trying to brake, I instead returned to normal speed and crashed into a tree. FML
Today, my cleavage got me out of a speeding ticket. That is, until the officer looked up long enough to realize I'm a guy. FML
Today, my dad got so drunk that I had to drive him home. He kept yelling at me to not speed, saying I was going too fast and that there were too many bumps on the road. I hadn't even started the car yet. FML
AnonymousZOMBIE tells us more.
He practically had a heart attack telling me that I'm not a race driver, when actually I had decided to take the smaller roads and I was going at about 20 mph. Then he proceeded to take off his seat belt jump to the back of the car and lay down on the floor praying that I don't crash the car on the way home. When we finally got home he said if I could heat up his shoes??? because he was very hungry, 10 seconds later, he passed out on the couch. To tell you the truth I don't think alcohol was the only thing he had last night. He works very long hours, and he's a hard working man, and he is always there for us. They gave him a 2 week vacation and the youngest of my brothers is going off to college. I guess he deserves a little bit of fun, especially when my mother passed away a year after my youngest brother was born, he had to raise 3 kids on his own. He got very drunk, but he deserves to have fun every once in a while, the good thing is that there is only one bar he goes to and both the manager and the bartender know us very well and calls one of us to pick him up so he won't have to drive.
Today, I got into a fight with my parents when they called me a bad driver. Imagine their smugness when I had to call them two hours later and tell them that I drove into a pole. FML
Today, I left my dog in my car for 5 minutes while I ran into a store. The car was running so he was fine, the thing that wasn't so fine is that when I walked out my car wasn't there. My dog somehow moved my car into the middle of a intersection, almost causing an accident. FML
Today, some asshat ran onto the road and tried and jump over my car as I drove by. He didn't make the jump. FML
gurding tells us more.
gurding 15
Oh wow, didn't think this'd get posted... thanks so much for all the support guys! (OP here) Bit of follow up, this happened a few nights ago actually, I was driving through a residential area (lots of trees lining the road). The guy was a teenager, he was doing a 'stunt' while his mates filmed. He ran out from behind a tree, I didn't have enough time to stop completely, but I braked and swerved on instinct. He clipped his leg on the front bumper and rolled over my car, and his friends all bailed. I called the ambulance straight away, they took him to hospital with a broken leg and concussion (he was lucky it was just that). My car isn't in great condition either, he managed to leave a solid dent in my bonnet and crush my windscreen. To be honest, I'm just happy I didn't kill him, but the problem is that laws around here are VERY strict when it comes to these kinds of accidents, so unless I can prove that he was at fault, benefit of the doubt goes towards him if his parents decide to sue. The police who came to the scene were very sympathetic, but there's not much they can do. They're trying to find out who the guy's friends were, so hopefully they get that video evidence. Thanks once again for the support, and I'll give you all an update soon!
Today, I wore a sleeveless shirt for the first time in years, when I glimpsed something on my shoulder that looked like a spider. I let out a scream that sounded like a donkey having a stroke, and flailed my arms. Then I realized it was my tattoo, and that I was freaking out everyone on the bus. FML
Today, in a train, I did the old "I've got your nose" trick for a kid. He got off at the next stop, then waved something at me from the platform, then yelled, "I've got your keys!" FML
Today, I was on a boat and I thought I saw a towel fly off, but it was actually my fricken dog. FML
Today, the man who stole my laptop at the train station yesterday used the contact information I had written on it to call me and ask for the password. FML
Today, I went on my very first date. We went out to eat dinner and everything went great! Afterwards, I went to drop him back off at his house. I backed out of his driveway and got stuck in a ditch. His dad had to come out and tow me out. So that's how I met my boyfriend's parents. FML
Today, after handing over the cash to buy my sister's car off her, she refused to sign any of the paperwork, and later put an ad on Craigslist selling the same car. I got scammed by my own sister. FML
Kassutera tells us more.
I will give you an update on what has since happened: The car in question was 1500 bucks and I needed a car badly so I bought it off her and she told me she would give me the paperwork the following day for it. Being she is my sister I trusted her to give me the papers the next day. I happened to browse Craigslist only to find an ad resembling the car I just bought off her with her phone number. I called to see if she could take the ad down because I figured that she put this up before I bought the car when she told me she isn't going to take the ad down and the car is for sale. For those of you accusing of me owing her money...I did not owe anything to her before hand and paid her in full for the car. I had originally given my mom the money to give to my sister so it is not like she cannot say I have no proof the money wasn't given to her. My mom has been on her case about stealing the money and we are still working things out. Will give an update if it does eventually work out.
Today, when leaving my apartment, I instantly noticed there was a giant dump truck in our lot, which turned out to be directly behind my car. After making a 20-point escape from my parking space and getting to work late, my roommate texts me, "DUDE guess what I got last night." A giant dump truck. FML
Today, I went to get my car washed at one of those places where you can watch through the glass. I watched in horror, face pressed against the glass, as my car went through with the window down. FML
Today, one of my tires blew out on the highway. I managed to slow down and pull over without dying, and went to get my spare tire. I found it right where it was supposed to be, knifed to hell and with a taunting note from my psycho ex taped to it. We broke up nearly 3 years ago. FML
Today, a guy hit on me. It's such a rare occurrence that I didn't know how to react, so I panicked and said "Sorry, I have to go!" Then I remembered we were on a bus, and just turned around and awkwardly pretended he wasn't there. FML
Today, I was on the train going to work when my travel tea cup began spilling inside my purse, which was on my lap. It went all over my skirt, pooled at the bottom of my feet, and, yes, everyone notice that it happened to be piss-colored yellow. FML
Today, during a driving lesson, I stopped behind a taxi, and got more and more annoyed when the traffic wouldn't move. A few minutes later, my instructor couldn't hold his laughter any more and pointed out I'd somehow zoned out and entered a taxi rank. FML
Today, I missed the spider but succeeded in keying my own car. FML
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