Transportation: Today, I went on a Segway tour in Budapest. The Segways have... - FML

By infrontofninepeople - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I went on a Segway tour in Budapest. The Segways have an automatic speed limiter, and to release it and get back to normal speed, you have to brake. Unfortunately, I forgot my speed limiter was on and so, while trying to brake, I instead returned to normal speed and crashed into a tree. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

It's not unusual

Mystery message service

By pubquizgenius - United Kingdom

Today, I was in a tense tiebreak round to win the local pub quiz. As the quizmaster read out more clues, I got the answer, got up and rushed to be the first team to the bar. I tripped, faceplanted. The whole bar laughed, and then I realized that it wasn't a "fastest to the bar" round. FML

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By Sissyleemae

Today, I got fired from my job for stopping a shoplifter. Where's the logic? FML

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By norestforthewicked

Today, my family and I discovered that my sleepwalking has escalated into sleep-raiding-the-fridge, after I woke up on my kitchen floor in a puddle of melted ice cream, surrounded by my parents, brother, and dogs. Apparently my recent dieting plans aren't going over too well with my subconscious. FML

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By scaredy cat - 9/8/2020 14:02

Wuss

Today, my boyfriend is completely obsessed with zombie and horror movies. I don’t care what he watches, the only problem is the big wuss has horrible thrashing nightmares. Last night he thrashed so hard, he elbowed me in the face. I have a big swollen purple knot right on my forehead. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my cousin and I found out that when a girl puts a flower in the right side of her hair, it means she's available. The bigger the flower, the more available she is. My eleven year old boy cousin told me to cut down a palm tree and put it in my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that no matter how much you assume that the crunchy bits in a bag of crisps are in fact crisps, you will occasionally find that your assumptions are wrong. Beetles just don't have the same appeal. FML

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By RBergman - United States - Basin

Today, I had to arrest my own boyfriend for public sex. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I learned my dog had eaten a roll of vet wrap, which is like a long strip of bandage. I learned this when she tried to pass it in the yard today, and could only do so with my help. It seemed to never end. FML

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By Naulwenn - France - Groslay

Today, my divorced parents have started sending each other photos of both of my bedrooms, to, “compare the shambles and see who wins.“ FML

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By whywasitthere - United States - New Braunfels

Today, I was walking down my road in the hill-country of Texas, when I spotted something shiny buried in the dirt. Thinking it could be something interesting, I picked it up, and, after turning it over numerous times in my hand, realized that it was, in fact, an old silver bullet vibrator. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2020 02:02 - United States

Man child, part 2

Today, I was told I'm lazy by my boyfriend because I skipped work. He skips his all the time and when I get home still have to cook and clean up after him. FML

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By Jello - United States

Today, I went to have dessert with my boyfriend. We ordered some Jello. I said that I loved Jello because it is so fun and jiggly. My boyfriend said, "Like you. Except the fun part". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Raleigh

Today, I went to a job interview at a small family-owned business. After the interview, the owner's son took me into his office and told me I'm not getting the job and to get out, because apparently, the old man thinks I'm "possessed by a demon". FML

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By Lavalise - France

Today, on the subway, a woman got off without her suitcase. I grabbed the case, chased her onto the platform, and shouted, "You forgot your suitcase!" while the doors closed behind me. In actual fact, it wasn't her suitcase, and its actual owner was still on the train. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Vista

Today, while walking down the street, I saw a man attacking a woman in an alley. I ran to help, and shoved the man away from her. Except it turns out he wasn't attacking her; he was getting it on with his fiancée. FML

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By ScaryBears - United States - Trumbull

Today, I went out and made build-a-bears that looked like my daughter and her new boyfriend. It turns out she had been insisting that I didn't for a good reason; upon sight of his, her boyfriend screamed and fled the house. Turns out he was nearly mauled to death by a bear. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Croydon

Today, my face got intimate with several plywood boards, and I suffered lacerations and bruising. I told my friends I got the wounds from taking a few guys down in a bar fight. Now they're dragging me out into a rough part of town to give them "muscle" while they try to score some crack. FML

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By CoCo - France

Today, my girlfriend came home with new condoms: Manix Endurance containing a numbing gel designed to help me "last longer". FML

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By itsalwaysme

Today, after recently rekindling an old relationship, I discovered a whole new world when I found his secret Twitter account. Apparently he's now a cross-dressing, submissive, financially dominated "slave" for doms online. FML

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By CA19oo - United States - Buford

Today, I found out what it feels like to get hit in the head with a bat. Not the wooden kind though. The one that bites and claws you when it gets stuck in your hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to a man stroking my leg while smelling my hair. I asked my roommate who he was and she said, "Oh, that's just my brother. He needs a place to stay and he will be living with us until June. Didn't I tell you that?" No, you didn't. FML

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By Grace - 14/11/2020 23:02

Don't touch me, bitch

Today, I found out that when you try to pick up my cat, its response is to let out the most stinky fart it can. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got an allergic reaction to Nair. It was so bad I had to have my girlfriend take me to the hospital at 2am. Where was the allergic reaction? On my nuts. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, a guy in the library came up to me and said, "You look very unproductive. It makes me depressed just watching you". FML

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By dpod121 - United States

Today, I got a call from my optometrist. I ignored the call, because I already knew I had my appointment tomorrow. When I listened to my messages later, I found out it was from his secretary, saying all of his appointments have been canceled due to him passing away last night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roomate informed me that her snake was missing in our apartment again. Apparently, I need to be careful because the snake's attracted to blood. I'm on my period. FML

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By Lisa - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take me out on a date. He doesn't have a car, but he said he'd borrow transport from his neighbor. He showed up at my house on a ride-on lawn mower. FML

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By Baileyy - United States

Today, while pensively thinking up my next awesome Facebook status over dinner, I finally came to the conclusion that I need to get a life. FML

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By cannabis_this420 - United States

Today, my mother called me and told me that she went to the hospital. This wasn't a surprise 'cos she normally goes to the hospital for the smallest things. So, I was a smart ass and asked, "What now? You finally have lung cancer from all those cigarettes?" Apparently, she does. FML

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By Cheating - United States

Today, I was looking through my boyfriend's Facebook photos, when I saw a recent comment by one of his friends asking how his night out with "Danielle" went. He replied: "Dude, keep that shit on the down-low." We've been dating for over a year. FML

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By hale_551

Today, I asked my teacher if he could tutor me for my upcoming exam. He said he'd look into it and let me know later. I later got called to the principal's office because my teacher claimed I'd propositioned him for sex. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while playing ping pong, my brother got mad that he lost and threw the paddle at my head, causing me to fall backwards into the TV mounted on the wall. Now I have a concussion and have to pay to replace the TV. FML

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By weswithaute - Australia

Today, my daughter asked me how to spell "Orange". "O-R-A-N-G-E" I replied. Without missing a beat, she says "No, I mean the colour, not the fruit." She is 16. FML

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By Whoisshe

Unknown number

Today, I gave my phone number to a guy at the movie theatre. I was excited to receive a text a few minutes later, sure enough when I unlocked my phone I had received a message from an unknown number. It was his girlfriend. FML

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By mperrotta913 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job, which was great, until she started saying "milk the penis... miiiiilk the penis." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a job interview with a person named Chris. The entire time I couldn't figure out if Chris was a man or woman. The interview went as good as it could have went. At the end I said, "Thank you very much sir." Wrong gender. FML

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By depr3ssed - United States

Today, I realized what all the women I've been with have in common: Craigslist. FML

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By mother to be - United States

Today, while talking to my sister, I explained to her that the reason I hope I end up having a girl is I want my daughter to love me the way I "used" to love my own mother. I didn't mean to say it in the past tense. My sister told my mom. She's planning my baby shower. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gadsden

Today, I accidentally Googled "best types of incest" instead of "best types of incense" on the family computer. The parental controls went nuts. I'm now grounded, and my parents are convinced I need psychiatric help. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my math TA showed the class how one of her "dumb" students answered a test question. Everyone laughed as she wrote out the students answer, including myself, until I looked down at my answer sheet and saw that I submitted an identical answer. FML

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Top comments

By CyberSeeker | 20

#6336995 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 9:46

poor tree I hope it had insurance

By llamaaduckk | 19

#6336999 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 9:47

Hope youre okay OP, be more careful next time

COMMENTS

By CyberSeeker | 20

#6336995 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 9:46

poor tree I hope it had insurance

Reply

Sangue0608 | 26

#6337113 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 13:20

I just wanted you to know that your comment made my day.

Reply

mds9986 | 24

#6337405 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 21:35

It has treesurance.

By llamaaduckk | 19

#6336999 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 9:47

Hope youre okay OP, be more careful next time

By i_lik_tomaters | 21

#6337007 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 9:51

Fyl op hope u didn't get hurt

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#6337008 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 9:52

bet you won't do that again

By Miss_Mandi | 29

#6337010 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 9:54

Genuine question: Is it hard to use a Segway?

Reply

Miss_Mandi | 29

#6337051 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 11:04

Lol, fair enough!

Reply

a1_z9 | 10

#6337189 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 16:09

It's not hard, unless you get over-confident and try to go faster than you're ready for.
The one I tried didn't have a brake though, you just stop making it go forward.
Plus yes there's the difficulty of trying to stop giggling about how dorky you look.

Reply

0070 | 9

#6337203 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 16:36

No it's very simple! My family went on a Segway tour in Chicago. My 11 year old sister did just fine with it. Once you get the hang of it it's very simple. Lean forward, you go faster. Lean back, you slow down or brake.

Reply

DeltaDragonxx | 20

#6338099 - Thursday 2 July 2015 13:50

I'd imagine it's like a scooter. it just takes a minute to not fall feel like you're gonna fall on your ass.

By Dougie_Bee | 21

#6337012 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 9:54

At least those nine people got a good laugh

By drunkturtle | 14

#6337013 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 9:58

I can imagine this as a cartoon

Hope you're ok OP

By invadermaythe1st | 35

#6337015 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 10:00

YDI for riding a segway.

By sandman676 | 20

#6337018 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 10:04

Sounds like you had s liquid lunch a long one

By DocBastard | 38

#6337019 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 10:05

"...Segway tour..."

*hits YDI repeatedly*

Reply

littleking94 | 14

#6337171 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 15:13

Thinking the same thing. Serves you right for riding a Segway