Transportation: Today, I went on a Segway tour in Budapest. The Segways have... - FML

By infrontofninepeople - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I went on a Segway tour in Budapest. The Segways have an automatic speed limiter, and to release it and get back to normal speed, you have to brake. Unfortunately, I forgot my speed limiter was on and so, while trying to brake, I instead returned to normal speed and crashed into a tree. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Deadbeat

By greenblue90 - United States

Today, my husband purposefully said something to upset me. When I asked why he would do that, he told me it was to test my Prozac. FML

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By spiderwoman - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, while walking home, I really had to pee, so I decided to do my business in some high grass just off the street. When I got home, I felt an itch between my butt cheeks. I went to the bathroom to check it out, and a dead, apparently crushed spider fell out of my underwear. FML

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By monkey2069 - United States - Elgin

Today, a lady handed me a $10 tip on a $45 bill. I was happy with it, since it was more than 20%, until she came back in and said, "I'm sorry I gave you the wrong amount." I handed it back to her and then she gave me a dollar. FML

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By "of fucking course"

Creeper Alert

Today, I was feeling a little frisky and started making out with my husband on our couch. He had just taken off my shirt when a strange smell hit my nose. I turned my head and saw my alcoholic neighbor with a cigarette in his hand, watching the entire thing unfold. FML

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By nonexistant - Canada

Today, while I was at a business supply store, I decided to get my old paper birth certificate laminated so it wouldn't deteriorate further. The people working decided to wait until after it was done and I had paid to tell me that laminating a birth certificate voids it. FML

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By birthday blues - United States

Today, it's my birthday. The only time people have contacted me is to ask who I voted for. FML

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By Aryah - United States - Irving

Today, I found out why the temps were not invited to the company Christmas party. The company paid for the regular employees to go to a nice restaurant, gave them nice presents, and handed out substantial bonuses. They keep telling me they can't hire me on because the company can't afford it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to give my virginity to my boyfriend of four months, because I told him I loved him. Two minutes after he'd pulled out, he grabs his cell and mass texts "I FINALLY GOT LAID!". FML

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By mywillyisdisappointed - United States

Today, I went out with a girl I've been dating. I dropped her off and she finally asked me if I wanted to come in. When I did, she asked me to change a light bulb in her kitchen, and then promptly sent me home. FML

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By fmlguy

Today, I've been considering breaking up with my girlfriend so I don't have to buy her a Christmas present. FML

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By XYZee - United States - Rockmart

Today, after quite a long work day, I got home to find my house had been broken into. Everything but my sleeping boyfriend was gone. FML

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By LAME - United States

Classy

Today, I was at my ex-girlfriend's house, who I still have a major crush on. After cuddling as we watched a movie, she began to show me several pictures she had taken on her phone, and asked which ones I liked the best. She then sent the pictures I had chosen, to a guy she had met a week ago. FML

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By left, I guess - Canada - Antigonish

Today, I went on a blind date at a restaurant. While looking at the menu, my date said "Who even likes kweetch? Gross." When I realized she was trying to say "quiche", I corrected her. That pissed her off. Now I'm at home, alone, trying to decide which hand is going to keep me company tonight. FML

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By Jules - 25/4/2021 00:30

Get your vaccinations if you can

Today, we’re supposed to check people’s temperatures before their COVID vaccination. The thermometers don’t work, though. We’re told to just press the on-off-button twice, so they make the same beep-beep sound as if they were functioning to make people feel safe. FML

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By This girl - United States

Today, I was walking down the street, when I slipped and fell on a patch of ice. It wasn't all that embarrassing, until I walked two more feet and slipped again. The second time, a man pulled over and loudly asked if I was drunk. FML

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By Lizzielollipop816 - United States

Today, I was at McDonald's. I bumped into a guy, and as I was helping him pick up his food, I realized he was cute. I began smiling and I was about to introduce myself, when he began laughing and said ,"It's you! I've heard about you!" He left laughing. I still don't know who he is, or what made him laugh. FML

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By stupid voicemails - United States - Lahaina

Today, I missed multiple calls from the company I applied to. That was the supervisor calling, wanting to hire me. I then remembered my idiotic voicemail I made months ago where I pretended to answer and say stupid stuff for 5 minutes. I don't think I'm going to get the job. FML

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By Stan017

Fast and Furious 17: Hot cross buns in the city

Today, I'm fasting for Lent. I'm a copywriter and my current client is a food company. I have to research about, and look at pictures of food all day. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I came back from a hike to see my trailer rocking, as well as some strange but obvious noises coming from it. I went camping alone. Two strangers were in my camper having sex. FML

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By Hreyes - United States

Today, I overheard my boss stressing out over finding a replacement for me. I didn't know I was leaving. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Des Moines

Today, I blew a huge gum bubble. My cat was on my lap and decided to shove her face in the bubble. There's gum all over her, and I still have scars from the last time I tried bathe her. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Inverness

Today, after months of helping my mother with bills because she claimed she had no money, I found out she makes way more than what I do. She just wanted my money for alcohol and drugs. FML

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By boob sisters - United States - Lilburn

Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my boobs. I quickly found out that I'd accidentally sent it to my sister instead. She sent me one back. FML

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By patronuscat?

Meow!

Today, I woke up in a guy's bed to one of his cats licking my nipples. FML

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By Friendly - United States

Today, I was questioned about a request for a restraining order filed against me by an old woman. According to the report, she's seen me "walking near her house and waving at her" for the last two months. I've been her next-door neighbor for a year and a half. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I shot a paintball gun at a bees' nest. The bees flew through my neighbors' windows and, for lack of a better word, slaughtered them. An ambulance was called, and I feel like a total dick. FML

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By depressed - United States - Hull

Today, I finally told my dad about how I've been diagnosed with clinical depression. He began to recite a commercial for depression meds, but he couldn't finish because he was overwhelmed with laughter. FML

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By sozzy - United States - Aliso Viejo

Today, I went to my regular pharmacist of three months, and since I've always seen him on a crutch, I asked him how his leg was. His response: "Still missing". FML

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By newkid

Today, I was so lonely, I dragged out a conversation with a lady who called to get me to make an appointment to give blood. FML

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By eaa145 - United States

Today, for my two-year anniversary I got my girlfriend a very expensive diamond necklace. She got me male enhancement pills. FML

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By modprobs

Perfect timing...

Today, my boyfriend, who I haven't seen in months because we live in different countries, is coming to stay with me. I've been the picture of health for months, but today I woke up with my period, a terrible cold, and tooth pain from that root canal my dentist told me I didn't need a few years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a man from across the bar looked at me, pointed and said "MMMM, now THAT'S what I want." Offended, I confronted him to tell him I felt disrespected by him referring to me as 'that.' Turns out, he was pointing to the cheeseburger that the waitress behind me was holding. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I dog-sat for my neighbors' pitbull. Weighing in at 100 pounds with a nasty bite; this dog was no lap dog, but I treated it as one - not knowing how deadly this dog could be - beckoning it towards me with my hand. I now have 6 stitches in my hand and arm, and the neighbors didn't pay me. FML

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By er1133 - Canada

Today, I walk out of my apartment to find that my car is decorated with explicit drawings and "Happy 21st birthday" stuff written all over it. To top it off, my vehicle is completely wrapped in plastic wrap. I'm 22 and my birthday is in December. FML

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By Chilly - United States - Wasilla

Today, I told my mom that my boyfriend had broken up with me. She was more upset about it than I was. She actually almost cried. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Baltimore

Today, I got shut in the walk-in freezer at work. I started banging on the door. My boss wouldn't come and open it because she didn't "play games". She thought I was kidding. FML

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By fmysexlife - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I was really horny. He then gave me the link to his favorite "porn". He said I should do it for him. It was a youtube video of some girl making a sandwich. FML

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By Mintilou - United Kingdom - Wednesbury

Today, like everyday, I got on the train heading back from my university campus in Preston. Usually, it takes 20 minutes. When I sat down, I realised it was a non-stop service to Glasgow and the doors had closed. It took me 7 hours by train and a lift from my best friend at 2 a.m. to get home. FML

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By Atropos

Today, I went to the campus health office because I had some VERY strong pains in my side. I thought my appendix was about to burst. I asked the receptionist for a doctor, but she said they were all out of the office until later, and kindly offered to make me an appointment for mid June. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Vista

Today, while walking down the street, I saw a man attacking a woman in an alley. I ran to help, and shoved the man away from her. Except it turns out he wasn't attacking her; he was getting it on with his fiancée. FML

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Top comments

By CyberSeeker | 20

#6336995 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 9:46

poor tree I hope it had insurance

By llamaaduckk | 19

#6336999 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 9:47

Hope youre okay OP, be more careful next time

COMMENTS

By CyberSeeker | 20

#6336995 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 9:46

poor tree I hope it had insurance

Reply

Sangue0608 | 26

#6337113 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 13:20

I just wanted you to know that your comment made my day.

Reply

mds9986 | 24

#6337405 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 21:35

It has treesurance.

By llamaaduckk | 19

#6336999 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 9:47

Hope youre okay OP, be more careful next time

By i_lik_tomaters | 21

#6337007 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 9:51

Fyl op hope u didn't get hurt

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#6337008 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 9:52

bet you won't do that again

By Miss_Mandi | 29

#6337010 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 9:54

Genuine question: Is it hard to use a Segway?

Reply

Miss_Mandi | 29

#6337051 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 11:04

Lol, fair enough!

Reply

a1_z9 | 10

#6337189 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 16:09

It's not hard, unless you get over-confident and try to go faster than you're ready for.
The one I tried didn't have a brake though, you just stop making it go forward.
Plus yes there's the difficulty of trying to stop giggling about how dorky you look.

Reply

0070 | 9

#6337203 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 16:36

No it's very simple! My family went on a Segway tour in Chicago. My 11 year old sister did just fine with it. Once you get the hang of it it's very simple. Lean forward, you go faster. Lean back, you slow down or brake.

Reply

DeltaDragonxx | 20

#6338099 - Thursday 2 July 2015 13:50

I'd imagine it's like a scooter. it just takes a minute to not fall feel like you're gonna fall on your ass.

By Dougie_Bee | 21

#6337012 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 9:54

At least those nine people got a good laugh

By drunkturtle | 14

#6337013 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 9:58

I can imagine this as a cartoon

Hope you're ok OP

By invadermaythe1st | 35

#6337015 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 10:00

YDI for riding a segway.

By sandman676 | 20

#6337018 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 10:04

Sounds like you had s liquid lunch a long one

By DocBastard | 38

#6337019 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 10:05

"...Segway tour..."

*hits YDI repeatedly*

Reply

littleking94 | 14

#6337171 - Wednesday 1 July 2015 15:13

Thinking the same thing. Serves you right for riding a Segway