Dad jokes

Seriously?

By sadgirl - 24/08/2019 09:00 - United States - Edmond

Today, I brought my boyfriend home to meet my family. The first thing my mom said to him was, “Oh, you can do so much better. Like a paint huffer or a crack whore.” She was serious, and my entire family nodded in agreement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 941

You deserved it 205

Tooth hurty, get it?

By Anonymous - 03/12/2023 10:00

Today, acting like a responsible, proactive adult and make a dentist appointment. The receptionist asked if I was available at 2:30. I replied, "Sorry, can we do 2:31? I've got a meeting." She didn't find it as funny as I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 106

You deserved it 834

Dad jokes!

By Chels - 11/05/2011 05:17 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend came over to have dinner with my parents. They got quite drunk, and my mom shouted at him, "Have you had sex with my daughter?" As he was shaking his head, my dad said, "I have" in a really creepy voice, thinking it would be funny. It wasn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 586

You deserved it 5 337

Nice guy

By Guineapig98 - 03/10/2023 04:00 - United States - Miami

Today, I asked my boyfriend of 5 years when he was going to propose to me because I wasn’t getting any younger. He responded with, “Well, ask yourself are you getting any skinnier? I need a trophy wife, you know?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 799

You deserved it 365

Snapping

By Marquise - 11/07/2024 22:00 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, my boyfriend crossed a line with his bullshit "jokes". At dinner, he once again annoyed my dad by insisting that the "AR" in "AR-15" means "assault rifle". My dad is an NRA gun nut, so he finally blew up and told him that he was going to "AR his nuts if he didn't quit fucking with him." FML

I agree, your life sucks 241

You deserved it 497

Thanks, I hate it

By Anonymous - 07/01/2011 02:45 - United States

Today, feeling melancholic, I took a blanket out to the backyard and lay down to look at the clouds. My dad came out to ask me what I was doing. I told him, he smirked, squatted over my face, and farted. He then ran back inside and told my mom. She laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 231

You deserved it 6 257

Vibe check

By buttfingers - 26/12/2015 17:37 - United States - Houston

Today, I accidentally edged over the speed limit and got pulled over. The officer asked me if I knew why he'd pulled me over. Before I could say something diplomatic, my dad said from the passenger seat, "Because you're a prick in fancy dress?" I got ticketed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 168

You deserved it 2 245

Detained

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, I found out that if a cop asks you if you have any weapons, and you reply by saying, "Only these guns!" while flexing your biceps, they won't take it very well. Neither will the cops down at the station. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 074

You deserved it 51 120

Just a prank, son!

By barface - 11/01/2012 02:52 - United States

Today, while very sick, throwing up in a bucket beside my bed, my dad came in pushed my face into the bucket. For a laugh, apparently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 883

You deserved it 2 819

Good one, dad

By anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was almost done getting ready for a really big date, when I heard my dad call for help from outside. I rushed downstairs and out the door, only to be ambushed and showered by my father with the garden hose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 488

You deserved it 4 287

Awkward much?

By iskalion - 10/10/2015 05:39 - Canada - Grande Prairie

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents over lunch. Unfortunately, I showed my dad her Facebook profile beforehand and he wouldn't stop making cracks about her duckfacing. It started with, "Don't let her eat the bread, it'll puff up in her stomach and kill her", and ended in tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 471

You deserved it 5 468

Inappropriate "joke" time

By Anonymous - 21/11/2022 09:00 - United Kingdom

Today, at work, we were talking about how Google apparently has a room full of puppies for when their employees are feeling stressed. I made a very loud joke about how we should get a room full of company prostitutes for when we feel stressed, not realizing there was a customer and my manager in the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 271

You deserved it 2 188

Happy Birthday

By Schubey - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada - North Bay

Today, I woke up to my dad telling me that we're going to Disneyland. Apparently, by "we" he meant him and my mom. They did, however, make a point to say "Happy birthday!" before they left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 767

You deserved it 2 164

No joke

By It was worth a shot - 28/08/2024 02:00 - United States

Today, I was at a local restaurant. When I went to pay my bill, one of the owners jokingly said, "Are you here to apply for a job?" Since I've been unemployed for a while and trying to find work, I said, "What would you like me to do?" She replied, "That was a rhetorical question." I knew it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 397

You deserved it 112

Dad pranks '09

By PISSED - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Germany

Today, I finally got a date with one of the hottest girls in school, a perfect 10. Just before I go to pick her up to go to the movies, I called her to find out where she lives. She answered the phone, only to hear my father yelling in the background, "STOP TALKING TO THAT WHORE." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 686

You deserved it 5 313

You can't say anything these days

By Ashley Marshburn - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my 4 year-old daughter walked into my home office and said, "Fuck you!" Then she ran to my husband and said, "Did I say it right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 611

You deserved it 5 386

Dads gonna dad

By biggrl - 11/05/2021 08:00 - South Africa

Today, I had to ask my dad to drop me off at my doctor's appointment. He insisted on coming up to the waiting room with me. When my doctor came out, he greeted her with, "Hi, I'm the dad, but I won't sit in because she's a 'big girl now'." I'm 21, and I was at my gyno check-up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 379

You deserved it 135

Zinger

By Anonymous - 01/09/2024 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, we had the police called on us for our loud sex noises. This led to my boyfriend making the joke that he’s so good at sex “even the police came.” It was funny at the time, but less funny when he told our friends. Even though I told him to stop, he keeps telling people, and it's pissing me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 486

You deserved it 297

Creepy but funny

By Anonymous - 01/06/2012 20:46 - Greece - Athens

Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner so she could meet my parents. Over the dinner, she asked my dad what's he's been up to since he retired. He replied, "Recreational gynecology, my dear" and gave her a weird wink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 891

You deserved it 3 113

Headshot

By suhleedah18 - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was working on my computer when my dad walks in, pointing his finger at me like a gun. Before I could even ask, it turns out he was aiming a rubber band at me. The doctor says I'll be able to take off my eyepatch in a couple of days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 379

You deserved it 2 748

By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 07:35 - Singapore

Today, I went shopping with my parents. Halfway through, I got separated from them and tried to call them only to find out my cell phone battery was flat. A few minutes later, an announcement was made for a lost child. It was by my parents. I'm 36. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 184

You deserved it 5 221

Mystery

By Waheyyy - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, I was arguing with my dad. I called him a geriatric fool. He replied with, "Well at least I know who my biological father is." I have no idea if he's joking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 626

You deserved it 8 260

Sure about that?

By Anonymous - 27/05/2025 15:00 - United States

Today, I told my dad that my boyfriend and I were thinking about moving in together. Without missing a beat, he looked at my boyfriend and said, “Brave man. You sure you want to sign up for 24/7 mood swings and hair in the drain?” My boyfriend laughed. A little too hard for my liking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 297

You deserved it 316

Sailed over my head

By Robbed - 05/01/2023 11:00 - United States

Today, my mom told she was robbed once, 40+ years ago. My mom is 51, so I was wondering what kind of monster would steal from a child. I then realized after almost an entire minute that it was a joke about my uncle, named Robert, who was born at that specified time. It would seem that I've been "robbed" of a brain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 611

You deserved it 295

Enough!

By pissed off - 02/07/2014 21:52 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, my dad finished installing our new home security system. One of the features lets him control any light in the house from his phone. He keeps trying to piss me off by turning my bedroom light on at random intervals. I don't know how to make it stop, and I can't sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 908

You deserved it 4 967

Movie night

By insomniac x2 - 15/08/2013 19:56 - Mexico - Garza Garc

Today, I was watching The Ring on TV in the early morning. When the scene where the girl is crawling out of the TV came on, my dad grabbed my shoulders from behind me out of nowhere, causing me to shriek like a little bitch. I don't know how long he waited to do that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 755

You deserved it 8 486

Boomer humor

By Anonymous - 15/02/2014 23:14 - Australia - Fitzroy

Today, I proudly informed my grandma that I now have a girlfriend. My grandpa overheard and said how surprising that was, given how expensive blowup dolls are. He and my grandma then both laughed out loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 377

You deserved it 6 339

Very funny, Dad

By Anonymous - 20/05/2011 23:30 - United States

Today, I had my new girlfriend over for dinner. Halfway through the meal, my dad started poking her with his fork. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he barked back, "Just making sure she isn't a blow-up doll!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 695

You deserved it 4 635

Good one

By bf. - 19/12/2013 02:59 - Canada - London

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. Dinner was going well until her dad secretly fed the asparagus to the dog under the table, and then "discovered" what a childish thing I had done. My girlfriend believed him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 250

You deserved it 3 007

Great joke Dad, thanks

By Anonymous - 05/07/2014 17:53 - United States

Today, my dad interrupted my job interview with a phone call, just to say, "I fucked your mom." No shit, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 940

You deserved it 7 923

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, I was at a volleyball game talking with my friends when a girl who is in my team arrived. She was greeting someone else but I thought that she was saying hi to me. However, I'd already waved back at her. All my friends and others noticed the situation and as a result they laughed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 379

You deserved it 154

Today, I learned that you can actually sprain your groin for real. It hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 856

You deserved it 140

Today, I was picking up my nephew from school. I waved when I saw him coming, shouted, “Hey dude!” The kid stared at me, confused. That’s when I realized it wasn’t my nephew, just a child who looked vaguely similar but who was now terrified. His actual mom gave me a look like she was deciding whether to call security. FML

I agree, your life sucks 345

You deserved it 115

Today, my football practice ended early due to severe weather. Not only had I misplaced my phone earlier in the day, both my parents thought the other had picked me up. I was in the rain for an hour and a half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 753

You deserved it 2 829

Today, I was cleaning out my room and picked up my bed and found a condom. I'm 15 and still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 634

You deserved it 234

Today, my mom died suddenly in a car crash on holiday in Spain. My husband has been struggling not to smile like a Cheshire Cat all fucking day because 1) they hated each other and 2) mom was as rich as Croesus and I’m her only child. I want my mom back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 255

You deserved it 141