Work and Health: It's lit. - FML

By Amy - Hong Kong

Today, I went to a corporate event and lit my hair on fire in front of everyone due to an unfortunately-placed candle on the bar. FML

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Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

On yer bike

Added flavor

By OutOfMyMind - United States - Port Richey

Today, I tried Ambien for the first time. I now have to apologize to most of my exes for excessively rambling emails about getting together for some naked Twister. FML

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By Samantha - Singapore

Today, I turned 22. Instead of cutting my own cake, I stood by and smiled at a friend's belated birthday party. She celebrated her birthday two months ago. She decided to have her party on my birthday. No one remembered mine but everyone got her beautiful gifts. FML

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By ChubbyButt - Canada - Brampton

Today, I was at the doctor's for a regular check-up. When my appointment was over and I was about to walk out, she yelled across the room in front of everyone, "Oh and if you could lose some weight, that'd be great." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2020 20:02 - United States

Diaspora

Today, I found out the guy i've been crushing on might be my cousin. Again. FML

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By boyfriendless - United States

Today, I was babysitting a five year old boy. Somehow the topic of relationships came up, he asked me if I had a boyfriend. When I told him that I was single, he got all excited and asked if he could be my boyfriend. It would have been cute except he was the first guy to ever ask me out. I'm 18. FML

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By emily

Today, I learned in my child development class that lying in toddlers is a sign of intelligence. I clearly remember that I didn’t even understand the concept of lying until I was 6 years-old. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Johnston

Today, after a busy afternoon taking care of the kids, I was feeling really down about only being a mom these days, and I was hoping my husband would make me feel better when he got off work. In the middle of cuddling, he called me "mom." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2020 19:56

Imagine if we had a social safety net…

Today, I was called selfish for complaining about COVID lockdowns. Thanks to lockdowns, my family's restaurant has been permanently closed, I've burned through all my savings, and we are going to lose our house. I guess being upset about my family's plight is selfish. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my crazy mother-in-law threatened to camp out outside my house so she will "never get left out" of our lives, all because we called instead of sending a written invitation to my three-year-old's birthday party. I actually believe she's crazy enough to do it. FML

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By kash - United States - Santa Clara

Today, I was walking home with my boyfriend, when a guy pulled a knife and told us to hand over our money. My boyfriend blurted "I don't have shit, dude! She has tons of cash!" The moment the mugger turned to me, my boyfriend ran away at top speed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rochester

Today, I spent over an hour shovelling the walkway and driveway, snow blowing in my face and down my coat. When I was finally finished, a guy started going through the neighborhood plowing everyone's driveways for them. FML

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By Catois - United States

Today, I caught my dog attempting to shit on the carpet. When I saw him, I screamed. Startled, he ran around the house, continuing to take his shit. Now, I don't have to clean up a nice pile, I get to go on a scavenger hunt and find all of the scattered turds. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - El Paso

Today, I, for some reason, was talking to my mom about money. I jokingly said that the reason we're short on cash is because of her internet porn addiction. She replied, with a straight face, "How did you know?" I'm still not sure if she's joking or not. FML

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By myheadhurts - United States

Today, I came home from an amazing cruise to find that my house broken into. My best friend apparently decided to invite her drug addicted friends into my home while I was away where they stole 172$ and my migraine pills, which are non-refillable. I now have a migraine. FML

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By ouch. - United States - Stamford

Today, I was washing the dishes when I gave myself a nasty gash on my leg from the open dishwasher door. After five minutes of cleaning up the blood and wrapping it up, I came back to finish the job only to drop a plate and send broken shards into my foot. FML

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By Terminator101101 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be funny to go to the Apple store and log me on to Facebook on every single computer. FML

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By Good morning to you all

Today, since my dad decided he's tired of not being completely comfortable in his own home, he now wears only a knee-length robe without underwear so he can "really enjoy the breeze". I've seen more balls in a few days than a pro baseball player does his entire career. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I just found out that my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend are rooming together at college. Visits are going to be extremely awkward. FML

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By Ames - United States

Today, after being diagnosed with cat allergies, I explained to my cat-loving boyfriend that the doctor strongly recommended not allowing the cat in the bedroom. At 1:30 am my boyfriend got out of the bed to go sleep in the spare room because: "the cat is sad." FML

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By GEE, THANKS DAD - United States

Today, my dad forced me to take part in a pathetic act of revenge against our neighbors, who keep parking their 4x4 in front of our house. He made me stand watch while he kept trying to slash their tires. An hour later, we were waiting for my mom to bail us out of jail. FML

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By Wheresthebeefz - United States

Today, I tried to save a dying bird I found on the sidewalk. I got a parking ticket for $114 in front of the animal hospital. I later found out the bird died. FML

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By barf - Ireland

Today, I experienced the horror of walking in on my best friend fondling his tits. Yes, "his". FML

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By fuck - 22/1/2020 14:00 - Canada - Airdrie

Late reaction

Today, I was masturbating in my bedroom, when suddenly, my mom opened the door and walked in with guests. I didn't react quick enough. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my Spanish exam. One of the questions was to translate "Mark is lazy and antisocial." My name is Mark. Everyone kept giving me weird looks the whole test. FML

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By Uh oh....

Today, I was awakened by a small scary dark figure approaching me while making creepy noises. I screamed, kicked it away, and buried my face under my pillow. Later, after braving up, I turned on the lights. It was my sick 3-year-old niece, now dazed and coughing blood. FML

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By k.love - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's apartment to surprise him with breakfast only to find that his other girlfriend had beat me to it. FML

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By kittyslayer - United States

Today, my landlord came and beat on my door demanding the rent check. I just got home from a trip and my wife was supposed to pay it while I was away. What happened to the money? Black Friday. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I heard vibrating from inside my husband's desk drawer. Since he's away for the weekend, I investigated. I found an unfamiliar cellphone with an inbound call. I answered it. Turns out, it was his mistress. Neither of us can get a hold of him. FML

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By Hailey - United States

Today, I took sexy pictures for my boyfriend. I am at my Aunt's house. I uploaded the pictures and after successfully posting them in a message I deleted them. I accidentally deleted the whole photo library. Now she is taking the computer to Apple tomorrow to recover the "lost" photos. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, some jackass decided that using the back of my car to slow down was easier than using his brakes. FML

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By jmac - United States

Today, I dropped a knife while cooking. Luckily it missed my foot, but only because it hit my knee. FML

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By outofluckatcollege - United States - Lewisville

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. It wouldn't be so bad if we weren't stuck rooming together for the rest of a semester that hasn't even started yet. FML

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By "QueenCortana Tiffany Turner" - 7/2/2020 14:00

Temper tantrum

Today, the cops were called to my apartment because my daughter had a temper tantrum while I was at work. She was naked when they were there. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Alings?s

Today, the paternity test came back. It's like I suspected all along; my "son" is actually my half-brother. FML

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By azmom - United States - Phoenix

Today, I dropped off my 19 year old daughter at her first job. It's at a strip club. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ridley Park

Today, I overheard a coworker talking about going to what sounded like a dentist's appointment. As she left later, I jokingly said "Remember to open wide!" Turned out her appointment was with her OB/GYN, not a dentist. FML

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By charlie - United States

Today, my mom asked if I wanted to come to dinner with my parents and my grandparents who are in from London. When we got to the restaurant, there was a wait. My mom made me walk home because they could get a table quicker for a group of four than a group of five. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while I was eating spicy wings, I suddenly sneezed. I was sitting in front of a fan and effectively maced myself when my spicy sneeze blew back into my face and eyes. FML

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By Typicalwhitechick

Today, I finally have a day to go to the library and read for hours. Today is also a playday event for toddlers. In the library. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that my wife makes mashed potatoes by using her dirty feet to crush the potatoes because apparently this is a "healthy, natural" way to make them, and it also cleans her feet. I've been eating her mashed potatoes at least once every week. FML

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Top comments

By sumocj | 14

#7585676 - Saturday 13 January 2018 3:35

I bet you looked hot

By mackdeezy | 21

#7585662 - Saturday 13 January 2018 1:43

I hope the song "She's on Fire" wasn't playing.

COMMENTS

By mackdeezy | 21

#7585662 - Saturday 13 January 2018 1:43

I hope the song "She's on Fire" wasn't playing.

By 09051308288 | 17

#7585663 - Saturday 13 January 2018 1:48

Literally, you are the new Girl on Fire.

By sumocj | 14

#7585676 - Saturday 13 January 2018 3:35

I bet you looked hot

Reply

Dave_Davington | 33

#7585684 - Saturday 13 January 2018 4:11

Don't be so superficial. What about her warm personality?

Reply

Madrias | 36

#7585687 - Saturday 13 January 2018 4:43

She can brighten a whole room.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7585700 - Saturday 13 January 2018 7:11

You need a vacation — your burnt out!

Reply

RichardPencil | 29

#7585701 - Saturday 13 January 2018 7:11

*you’re

By ThrottleJockey | 34

#7585799 - Saturday 13 January 2018 15:15

So, you're a red head, eh? That's hot.

By PCGeekATL | 2

#7585870 - Saturday 13 January 2018 19:00

They say that if you work too much, you are likely to burn out.

By worldclassrager | 39

#7586025 - Sunday 14 January 2018 6:44

Bet the party was really lit...I’m sorry I had to...hope that can be covered up until it’s evened out

By Judy Hughes | 4

#7586102 - Sunday 14 January 2018 11:06

Someone was not paying attention

By Tarlachia | 33

#7586475 - Monday 15 January 2018 12:38

So corporate event: light hair on fire. Social event: light clothes on fire?

By James Thompson | 8

#7588625 - Saturday 20 January 2018 6:50

Are you in the US? If so, you could probably successfully sue the party planner or whoever was responsible for putting the candle there. Negligence, emotional and physical damage, etc. probably good for $75k at least!