Today, I asked my dad if he could fix my bed. It had been squeaking...

By Noname - 24/2/2009 18:13 - United States

Today, I asked my dad if he could fix my bed. It had been squeaking for some time. He shook his head no. He then continued with, "Your bed is a security system and as far as I can tell, you haven't gotten any in weeks". FML

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Miscellaneous

Serious times

Noise

Minefield

By Anonymous - 4/3/2011 00:45 - United States

Today, I learned that if I don't clean out the litter box everyday, my cat will resort to shitting in the laundry basket. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2020 02:00

Phished

Today, I found out that I'm completely and utterly head over heels in love with a man who, as it turns out, doesn't actually exist. Thank you, the internet. FML

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By Brandy_Dandy78 - 12/6/2011 18:47 - United States

Today, I fell asleep as my family drove to church. No one bothered to say anything about the drawings my siblings drew on my face until after church ended. FML

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By Stinky. - 9/4/2012 03:29 - United States - Chicago

Today, my boyfriend was complaining about how we never see the movies he wants to see. So I took him to the movies, and he picked which one. Then he fell asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2020 23:01

Boundaries

Today, I texted my friend, asking if he could give me a ride. He assumed I meant sex, and told me I need to respect boundaries. I actually needed a ride to the hospital for a concussion. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2009 06:59 - United States

Today, while working at a restaurant, I watched someone throw their car door open and hit the side of my brand new car for the third time this week. I told the woman to be more careful. She told my manager that I was being racist. As I was being yelled at, I watched her hit my car again, smiling. FML

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By extrashiftwhoo - 4/11/2016 13:59 - Australia - Preston

Today, I really didn't want to go to work. Still, I showed up for work early on the busiest night of the week and stayed back until past 10 p.m. Exhausted, I went to sign off the roster when I realised that, in fact, I was not rostered on for today at all. I'm on tomorrow, though. FML

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By Rachel - 18/5/2009 15:23 - United States

Today, I was planning on meeting my friend at the mall. She came late, and I was in the dressing room trying on a few things. When I came out to meet her, she looked at me oddly and said, "You shouldn't buy that, it looks terrible on you." Those were the clothes I came in. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2019 06:02 - Australia - Perth

Ninja!

Today, after getting home from my morning run, I found my brand new leather couch with scratches all over it and smelling of cat piss. I don't have a cat. FML

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By anonymous - 9/8/2011 02:01 - United States

Today, my wife heard that wifi could be harmful for our newborn baby's undeveloped brain box. Her solution was to switch the wifi off on our laptops. She won't listen to the flaw in her plan. FML

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By reese - 11/6/2020 05:03

The arrogance of youth

Today, as always, I had to have my dad help me with my computer issues. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? FML

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By Magilla - 16/2/2011 18:53 - United States

Today, I underwent several cardiac tests involving heart monitoring nodes placed all over my chest. The lab techs didn't pre-shave the areas and yanked out big clumps of chest hair as they removed the 10 nodes. They laughed, and said it could take up to a year for the hair to grow back. FML

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By ChevRooon - 27/1/2012 04:46 - United States

Today, I went to the gas station, paid the clerk, and drove off without pumping any gas. FML

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By dog_day - 19/12/2009 06:20 - United States

Today, I was asked by my mom if I could have a joint-birthday party with her dog because it would be the dog's "big 1-0." She was completely serious. FML

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By steph - 31/10/2008 07:11 - France

Today, my ex-girlfriend told me that she can't live without me, but she has another boyfriend. FML

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By DramaQueen - 19/7/2009 06:45 - Canada

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. As I left his house and began to drive away, I see him chasing after my car barefoot. I stop and roll down the window, ready to listen to the speech he has prepared to win me over with. He takes a moment to catch his breath and says "I want my cellphone back". FML

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By James - 8/2/2016 22:55 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, the power in my village went out. This caused the back-up battery powered alarm to go off. Nobody in the house even knew our alarm worked, let alone how to make it stop. It's been going off for over an hour now. FML

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By lonerboner - 3/10/2012 13:47 - United States

Today, I went on a date to the movies with this guy I kinda like. When he was driving me home, he asked me to be his girlfriend; I said I couldn’t because it was really bad timing. He kicked me out of the car, called me an asshole, and made me walk home. FML

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By Wow - 4/9/2009 01:45 - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me and told me to come to her college, so I did. I was greeted by the campus police who told me to stop harassing her because she no longer wants to be with me. Then they told me I was no longer welcome on campus and hereby banned. She used campus police to dump me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2013 11:42 - United States

Today, while at a concert, I stepped into a restroom to use my nasal spray since my allergies were acting up. Apparently, someone thought that I had been snorting coke in the stall. I was escorted outside and had to wait for the cops until I could explain everything. I missed the headliner. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2010 04:11 - United States

Today, I met my recently divorced mother's new boyfriend. He is missing teeth and has long hair and a mangy beard. Horrified, I left the room, only to hear my mother telling my sister, "The sex is phenomenal!" FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2015 08:25

Today, my now ex-fiancée confessed that "our" child is most likely actually hers and my father's. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2017 13:00 - United States

Today, during the birth of my first child, my epidural didn't work. FML

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By ACCCHHHOOOO!!!!!!!!! -_- - 4/9/2015 15:48 - United States - Laurel

Today, my dick of a neighbor tried to file a noise complaint against me, all because I have the flu and am sneezing a lot. FML

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By peanuts - 3/7/2010 04:04 - United States

Today, my dog is mad at me due to the fact that earlier in the day I ate 2 peanut butter cookies. Apparently, they were his dog treats. I had no idea. FML

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By bellabreeze - 9/8/2012 03:29 - United States - Lebanon

Today, my son thought it would be a great idea to spray a whole can of spray tan all over my freshly-painted white bathroom walls as an "experiment". He's 18. FML

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By blahhlovely_30 - 9/3/2011 20:03 - United States

Today, I lost my cat. It's deaf, so no matter what I do it can't hear me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2013 23:19 - Canada - Surrey

Today, while riding the subway, I fell asleep. I awoke to find that someone had stolen my glasses. From off my face. FML

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By kdmoney - 23/9/2011 06:16 - United States

Today, my mother said I am slipping too deep into depression since my boyfriend left for college in Fresno. Her solution: buying me a vibrator. FML

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By BikerGuy - 24/2/2016 06:31 - Canada - Alhambra

Today, the girl who likes me incredibly much asked me if she could come for a ride with me on my motorcycle. Normally this isn't a problem as I take lots of people out for rides for fun, but this time I had no choice but to tell her she couldn't because she's just too heavy for it. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2013 17:29 - United States - Davenport

Today, the guy I really like asked me if I'd like to go to a hockey game this weekend. I said I'd love to go, so he said, "Then you'd best get a ticket soon before they sell out." I still don't know if I have a date or not. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2019 04:03

Bigmouth Strikes Again

Today, I was involved in an intense argument with my dad. Just as I yelled, "You haven't done one thing for me", my phone rang. The same phone that, as of today, my dad no longer pays the bill for. FML

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By shatfjord - 10/10/2014 22:34 - United States - Rochester

Today, I and a coworker got bitched out and suspended by our boss after our computers got infected with a weird porn virus. It soon turned out the virus had come from our boss' infected memory stick. Did he apologize? No. Is our suspension still in force? Yes. FML

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By Mini-wanker - 18/10/2011 17:34 - United States

Today, after having had sex with my girlfriend for the first time the night before, she went to the doctor. He said she's still physically a virgin. FML

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By Foot In Mouth - 5/2/2009 22:56 - United States

Today, my anatomy teacher was putting together a skeleton model for class. He had misplaced the leg bone, so I thoughtfully asked, "What's the matter, lose a leg?" Unfortunately, there's nothing thoughtful about asking that question to a guy with an amputated leg. FML

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By Lisa - 9/11/2018 07:00 - United States - Sedalia

Today, I developed a roll of film I'd had sitting around for years. It was all images my ex had taken of him scrubbing his ass and toilet with my electric toothbrush, which I'd used for at least a month after our breakup. FML

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By Squid - 21/2/2017 07:00 - Canada - Parksville

Today, my older boyfriend and I went shopping together. When we arrived at the till, the cashier looked at me and asked, "Is this your pop?" I replied "No, this is my boyfriend, but we get that a lot." She paused, pointed at the case of Coke in the cart and said again, "Is this your pop?" FML

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By Blonde - 11/3/2015 03:03 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I googled for an hour how to open my CD player on my laptop. Turns out, there is none. They just put a space there to make it look like a CD player. FML

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By Anna - 6/4/2009 10:41 - United States

Today, I had to give a speech on abstinence to a bunch of teenage boys, and surprisingly they were paying attention. After they left, I went to the bathroom and saw I had missed a few buttons on my blouse. The boys had a close up view of my cleavage for 3 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2013 03:08 - United States - Absecon

Today, my boyfriend took me home for the first time. His place was covered in Insane Clown Posse stuff, even the toilet bowl. He's an undercover Juggalo. FML

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Top comments

By bobdole | 0

#6667 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 23:08

i want to meet your dad. hilariousss!!!

By wishfulamanda | 0

#6698 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 23:55

haha sorry that sucks, but its halarious

COMMENTS

By bobdole | 0

#6667 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 23:08

i want to meet your dad. hilariousss!!!

woojun | 0

#795759 - Sunday 24 January 2010 16:52

D4ni3l96 | 5

#995007 - Sunday 16 May 2010 2:41

hello

Metzler31 | 17

#1075381 - Friday 9 July 2010 16:24

risako | 7

#2381054 - Thursday 21 April 2011 2:37

hey

69_jackson_69 | 0

#2705017 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:12

C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!!!

HideouslyHuman | 10

#3341163 - Sunday 25 September 2011 0:38

C-C-C-COMBO STARTER!

By okaypineapple | 0

#6686 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 23:31

Dude not cool! Your dad sucks, man.

By wishfulamanda | 0

#6698 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 23:55

haha sorry that sucks, but its halarious

By Pudgygrunt | 0

#6706 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 0:15

you COULD try W-D 40. if you know where it is, how to get it, how to use it. or someone who can. But just do it when they arent home! ;) or somewhere else, eh?

By suckerz | 0

#6714 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 0:28

your dad is the best lmao

By ilawlzatyou | 0

#6733 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 0:57

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

By genius_man16 | 0

#6736 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 0:59

lol, that's the most hilarious thing i have ever heard. You could, you know, fix the bed yourself no? It's not that hard. Like #8 said, get some WD-40 and lube that son of a gun up (the bed now you pervs)

By such_is_life_fml | 0

#6759 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:21

I almost lol'd at this, but I'm just glad my parents aren't like that :P
prolly cause my bed doesn't squeak

By ZING_MASTER | 0

#6838 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 3:08

Question: What is the sound of one Noname not having sex?

Answer: ZING!!!!!

By JustAGirl_fml | 0

#6853 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 3:29

Not a little bit creepy.