Cars

I am the law

Today, I got a ticket for driving on the wrong side of the road. It was a one-way street. FML

Baked

Today, I kept smelling the pleasant odor of baking bread while driving around. Tonight, I realized that the smell of yeast was actually coming from a cup of moldy smoothie that got missed and left in a cup holder in the back of my car. FML

Fast Cars

Today, a drunk driver totalled my new Audi. Who was the drunk driver? My dad. FML

Brain fart

Today, I couldn't open my car door from the inside. I rang my father-in-law in a panic and he opened it from the outside for me. Then he asked why I just didn't roll down the window and do it myself. FML

Bashed

Today, I was walking down the street, wearing nothing offensive, minding my own business, when a car drove past and threw something that hit me really hard in the back of my head. It was a Bible. FML

Angry much?

Today, some unprovoked drunk asshole tried punching a hole through the windshield of my car. While I was driving it. FML

It wasn't me

Today, I got a letter summoning me to court for leaving the scene of a car accident I had in London. I live in Manchester and don't own a car. FML

Today, I found out that the higher-ups aren’t letting us use the break room anymore, so guess it’s back to eating lunch in my car while it’s 100°F outside. FML

Piece of shit car

Today, I went to Auto Zone because my car was having trouble starting, and I thought it was the battery. The guy checked it with their reader, and confirmed it was dying. Right after he put the battery in, my starter died. I had to get my car towed to the shop. FML

Move!

Today, in my tidy, small-town neighborhood, I parked my car 50 metres further back from my usual spot just across from our house on a half-empty public street, because it was taken. Apparently, someone didn't appreciate this. So much so, they put a used condom under my windshield wiper. FML

Today, I found a spider in my car the size of my hand. Help. FML

Today, during a driving lesson, I accidentally rear-ended a BMW at a traffic light. The number plate was "Law Man." FML

Today, after a year of living with my girlfriend, I came to the conclusion that I'm never going to marry her. I packed my things, wished her well in her life, and loaded everything up into my car. It's been working fine up until this afternoon. Now it won't start. FML

Not now!

Today, after 4 days without being able to poop, now, while sitting stuck in traffic, I have the sudden urge to use the bathroom. FML

Today, I woke up to a Swastika, "Go home" and "Trump2020" spray-painted on my car. FML

Today, I bought an expensive, heat-resistant double-sided tape to attach my dashcam to the windshield. It didn't last five hours, but has stuck nicely to the floor mat. FML

Road trip

Today, we were driving home from NYC to Knoxville after our flight got cancelled, and we had to drive with 3 strangers for 13 hours. We are now stuck in Who-Knows-Where, Virginia, with two blown tires, because a metal plate fell off an 18-wheeler in front of us. FML

Today, I paid $2300 to a mechanic for fixing my car. It's also the day I got into an accident and totalled said car. FML

Creepypasta

Today, I was at a house party and a guy needed a ride somewhere. Our designated driver, being the nice person she is, offered. I was in the back seat with him. His first words were, "Hey guys! I want to clear this awkwardness so… I once saw a 6-year-old girl die during a drive by I was on." FML

Today, I found out how much damage my neighbor's 5-year-old kid can do to my brand-new BMW with a baseball bat. FML

Mags

Today, I got a rejection letter after I filed a claim regarding potholes on a high speed road that damaged my vehicle. Two of my tires and very expensive Honda mags, worth 1000$ each, are done for. Meanwhile, the city claims they're working hard to fix the roads. It's been 3 weeks, the potholes are still there and the city says they're not at fault. FML

Genius mode

Today, I pulled into a parking lot, for the car to simply shut off because I ran out of gas. Then I couldn't get the key out of the ignition, so I called my dad, who walked all the way to where I was, only to find out that the car was still in drive. FML

Today, I got pulled over for talking on my phone while driving. I'd lost my phone the day before. He didn’t believe me. So, I got a ticket for talking on a phone I can’t even find. FML

Today, I offered to stay late at my delivery job because it was snowing and several people called out. An hour later I got rear ended. FML

Faith

Today, I completely lost it when I found out my mom was driving around with my 20-month-old daughter not sat in a car seat. She told me I was overreacting, and that everything was fine since she “prayed for a safe journey.” FML

Get away from me!

Today, a cockroach flew towards me, and out of panic I dropped my car keys in the sewer. Not only did I lose my keys, but the cake I made for a client is stuck inside the car. It's for a wedding, and they're arriving in the reception area in a few minutes. FML

Road hog

Today, I caught a ride with a coworker in their new Mercedes. They spent the drive passionately talking about how it made them a better driver and all the people that say otherwise are idiots. After running three stop signs and nearly sideswiping a minivan, I decided to walk the last mile. FML

Treacherous weather

Today, as I was driving to a conference two hours away, a giant piece of ice fell off a truck and did severe damage to my car's hood and busted the front light. The car was a few months old with around 5000 miles on it. FML

Today, I tried to back my car into my parking space while some of my neighbors were out by their cars. I accidentally rammed into the retaining wall behind my spot. I was hoping the neighbors didn't notice the huge crunching sound, but they did. FML

Lovely Rita

Today, I wasn't sure whether it was past the time when they stopped giving out parking tickets. I checked the meters on either side of my car, and both were expired, so I figured I was good. I came back out to all three of us having tickets. FML