By Hide -n- Seek - United States - Grand Prairie

Hide and Seek

Today, someone left a note on the front door saying "Let's play Hide and Seek". Who ever left the note apparently took my tires off my truck and scattered them. So far, I found one in my pool, and 2 outside my neighborhood. I still can't find the last one. FML

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Family values

Age ain't nothing but a number

Can they do that?

By fububc - France

Today, I went out for a smoke before dinner. I glanced through the window only to see my husband take my cooking scissors, cut his toe nails and then put them back in the utensils canister without washing them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pomona

Today, I was bitched out by my shrew of a mother for getting engaged, to a man. She's not homophobic, but rather pissed off because gay marriage is "trendy" and she wants me to be "above that nonsense". Hurray for love. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Scarborough

Today, my grandmother convinced me to come to a church meeting with her. My grandmother then made funny faces at me while the pastor was speaking, causing me to laugh out loud. Everyone heard me, including the pastor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my parents' for the first time in months. Upon my arrival, I found out that I won't be spending the day with them because they've taken a car trip to attend a Sarah Palin book signing. FML

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By Failure2017 - United States

Today, my husband referred to me as his “favorite meat sock” in front of our son. FML

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By CRH - United States

Today, at 11 weeks pregnant, I excitedly told my best friend that my baby now has fingernails. Her response was, "You're beginning to sound like a pro-life bumper sticker." FML

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By hrmpf - Germany - Bremen

Today, I went to the hairdresser for the first time in the country I just moved to. Guess I don't speak the language as well as I thought. FML

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By piss off - United States - Vancouver

Today, a customer at the fast-food joint I work at gave me a pitying look and asked "How's that liberal arts degree treating ya?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a friends trampoline trying to convince my mom trampolines are safe and I should get one. While telling her I smashed my knee into my face. I jumped off bleeding, slipped, hit my head on the trampoline, and got knocked unconscious. FML

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By PureFallPain

He may be disappointed

Today, I am Catfishing a guy on Twitter. I didn't mean to start it, I had an account I use to vent with and I used a pic with a cute girl. He sent me a DM that he liked my pic. He wants to talk on the phone. We have fallen for each other. He thinks, I am 18. I am a 39 year old single mother of 3 kids. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to fresh coffee, pancakes, and the sight of my dad digging a grave in the backyard for my dog. FML

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By Anonymous - Ghana

Today, I learned that because of my new medication, I can either avoid getting malaria, or have a male yeast infection. I'm stuck in Africa for the next two months, and have to sit down to pee because I don't want to irritate my penis by touching it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, as a public defender, my client was actually innocent for once. I intended to utterly destroy the prosecution's case and demonstrate his good character. That plan went straight to hell when he showed up heavily intoxicated. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my friends and I were drinking boba. On the side of the cup it said "Please drink carefully to avoid choking on the Boba". I started to laugh at the ridiculousness of the label, and choked on the boba in a coughing fit. FML

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By Anonymous

Do you have an evil twin?

Today, my wife's parents came over, insisting they saw me at the bar at 1:30 p.m., talked to me, and that I left with another woman. I was at work all day. I have no idea what they are talking about, I've never done this. My wife doesn't believe me. FML

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By Protectress - United States

Today, while going around trying to find a job, a manager came up to ask me, "Are you looking to work here?" I nodded happily, hoping this would be the end of my search. She looked me up and down, saw I had a jacket on to hide my tattoos and said, "Sorry, I can't hire heroin addicts." FML

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By regretter

Today, I paid €100 to have a tube shoved down my genitals. FML

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By Hoobfoob

Today, my car was totaled. It was so new, I haven't even made the first payment on it yet. FML

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By Anonymous - Bangladesh - Dhaka

Today, days after I broke up with my girlfriend, my dad tried to make her feel better by inviting her to our family BBQ next weekend. FML

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By Not Supportive

Today, it was my boyfriend's grandfather's funeral and visitation. These things make me nervous so I, not thinking, made comments that included the words killing, dying and death. I'm a rubbish support system. FML

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By Eh.. - Israel

Today I learned that just because the cute barista at the train station smiles at smiles, waves at me each time I arrive, and develops small talk probably means she's trying to sell me pastries. The smile she had when I asked for her number and she said "nah" still haunts me. FML

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By notfuckingpaidenough - United States - San Leandro

Today, a man tried to rob the store I work at. Before the guy was taken by the cops, he complained to my manager for "unfriendly behavior". He took it seriously and bitched me out for not providing "quality service" to our customers. FML

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By trick or not treat - France

Today, I bought fifteen bags of candy for the trick-or-treaters. I sat outside with a bowl of candy the whole night. Only one person came. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend had some crazy rough sex. In the process I ended up with huge bruises and bite marks all over my neck and chest. I'm giving a speech on domestic violence today. FML

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By missseloit3

Today, I met a nice guy who wanted to chat. I didn't want to be the bitchy type and throw him the "I have a boyfriend" line right away, so I conversed with him. When he asked was I single I, of course, said no. He yelled at me and made a huge scene about me leading him on. FML

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By ihatetheholidays

Today my boss informed us that there were no more single shifts we were all working doubles until further notice. Also there’s a way for us to “earn” a half day but we have to out sell everyone else in the office to get it. So being new I haven’t had time off in two weeks... FML

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By dancerr2210 - United States

Today, after making out with my boyfriend for the first time, it took me an hour to convince him he was still a virgin. FML

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By torny>horny - United States

Today, my husband tried to be romantic by throwing me in a bed laid with roses. Too bad he forgot to remove the thorns first. FML

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By fuck fof and die dad - Germany - Kiel

Today, I've tried to have a quiet jack off four times, only for my dad to knock on my bedroom door within seconds and say "STOP IT." every single time. Now I'm too paranoid to even function. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I was cooking something I knew would make a lot of smoke, so I asked my teenage daughter to tape a bag over the smoke detector. She said she did, so I cooked; the alarm went off and firemen came. She hadn't taped over the smoke detector, she'd taped it over the doorbell. FML

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By Nickname

Today, I came home to find my wife and my ex-wife naked in my bed. Apparently they've been in a relationship for five months. When I told my kids, they said that they were helping to keep the secret. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went to a movie with my boyfriend. In the lobby, I asked why the glasses were not working. I said, "Do they only work inside the theater?" My boyfriend replied, "3-D glasses just work inside the movie, everything else in the World is pretty much 3-D." FML

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By itsme

Today, we got a letter regarding my sister's college career and an appointment she was required to go to. This seems fitting, since she's a senior in high school, or at least she would be if she hadn't passed away a little over a year ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2020 19:00

I don't care

Today, my girlfriend sent me a revenge video of her having sex with another guy, because I cheated on her. I got angry with her, but later used the video to masturbate. FML

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By Anonymous

Drunk dick

Today, my now ex-boyfriend called the cops on me and told them I wasn’t letting him in the house. His keys were in the door, he was just too drunk to unlock it. FML

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By TSampson - United States

Today, my mom's will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was "lazy." The executor read it out loud. FML

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By madison77 - United States

Today, my engagement ring was seized by the police, and my fiancé was arrested on larceny charges. Both in the same visit. FML

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By faen - Norway - Marifjora

Today, Muse cancelled their upcoming show in Oslo. I bought my sold-out tickets on the black market for double the retail price, and have no way of getting my money back. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2020 15:01

Deez nutz hurtz

Today, I was about to have sex with my wife, so I walked into our room naked, but then whacked myself in the nuts with the door handle as I attempted to close it. She can't stop laughing, and I can't sit down. FML

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By - 8/2/2020 01:00

He is worried

Today, my husband asked with genuine concern if I would be able to breast feed our kids when they are born, since my boobs are so small. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7859958 - Sunday 17 November 2019 0:05

Good thing you found the third one in the pool. Otherwise, you'd be too tired.

By ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7859922 - Saturday 16 November 2019 21:29

Let's hope that person is good at hiding because i dread to think what you might do to them, with a pool in your backyard i think we all know how this will end

COMMENTS

By Aj Castelletto | 11

#7859905 - Saturday 16 November 2019 20:24

i marked you deserved it because i feel like this must be someone you pissed off personally lmao

By ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7859922 - Saturday 16 November 2019 21:29

Let's hope that person is good at hiding because i dread to think what you might do to them, with a pool in your backyard i think we all know how this will end

By RichardPencil | 28

#7859958 - Sunday 17 November 2019 0:05

Good thing you found the third one in the pool. Otherwise, you'd be too tired.

By ojosRojos | 28

#7859960 - Sunday 17 November 2019 0:21

...what?? Who does that? I feel like there’s more to this story

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7859967 - Sunday 17 November 2019 0:46

$75 and I’ll give you your tire back!

By Mathalamus | 24

#7860010 - Sunday 17 November 2019 7:21

You probably did something to deserve it.

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7860020 - Sunday 17 November 2019 9:12

Time to invest in locking wheel nuts.

By stormy0307 | 16

#7860088 - Sunday 17 November 2019 14:45

Do inflated tires float?

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7860422 - Monday 18 November 2019 23:52

Spare tire while you look around.