By Anonymous - 10/11/2019 01:00 - Germany - Berlin

Queasy

Today, my boss offered to give me a ride on her way home. Two seconds before getting into the car, I had to let out a fart. I didn't think the fart would follow me in, but it did. She rolled down the windows, and we lapsed into a silent, awkward ride home. FML

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Instadrama

Weird kid

In my day…

By treegirl - 26/7/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on his couch when suddenly I tried to get up. Before I could stand, he grabs onto me and says, "I'm a koala and you're my eucalyptus tree!" He then continued to latch onto me for a good five minutes pretending to eat my hair. FML

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By Bliss - 9/2/2009 18:24 - United States

Today, I gave my drink to a girl who I got with previously and started to dance with her. She backed off after a few seconds, took my drink and danced with my friend who was standing right next to me. FML

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By NCanalyst - 11/11/2009 20:28 - Norway

Today, I interviewed potential employees for a job position that I was supposed to get promoted to. FML

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By crazycutie1027 - 14/2/2009 04:43 - United States

Today, I was crying after having argued with my boyfriend. My mom saw me, she asked "Why are you crying? Don't you have homework to do?" FML

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By TanjinaRubbaiyat - 15/1/2010 08:49 - Bangladesh

Today, I was dumped at the surprise party I threw for my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2016 12:22

Today, I got promoted to a management position. After work, I went for a drink with my co-manager and a few of our colleagues, where they discussed their plans to take Ecstasy before/during our work Christmas party. Wonderful. FML

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By lonely - 21/3/2011 19:15 - United States

Today, I posted an event to have a get together with friends. Most of them put "not attending". I hadn't even set the date. FML

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By Robert - 1/1/2018 20:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I had another lucid dream. Like every time I lucid dream, I immediately started having tons of dream sex. That would've been fine if I hadn't been taking a nap on the living room couch in the middle of the day. The entire family heard my squirming and moaning and saw me nut my pants. FML

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By Dogsbody - 27/5/2019 02:30

Today, I noticed that my dad scolds me in the same tone of voice that he uses to scold our two dogs. Gives a whole new meaning to being treated like a dog. FML

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By Neurocardiogenic Syncope - 24/8/2012 04:08 - Canada

Today, I have a heart condition that causes migraines and fainting, so I take salt tablets to stop the fainting. The migraines can lead to a stroke, so I have medication for them. The medication has a side effect: fainting. And to avoid migraines, I should avoid salt. FML

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By Sfg_926 - 26/6/2016 05:02 - United States - Newberg

Today, I told one of my coworkers that she looked really cute today. Later she sent an email to me and cc'd the entire office saying "It really makes me feel uncomfortable when you say things like that to me. And I shouldn't have to feel that way at work." FML

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By amore89 - 28/7/2019 12:00

Today, I was with my dad at the supermarket and this guy was checking me out. My dad yells at him with a grin, "I know! I make beautiful babies!" FML

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By ===== - 14/1/2014 17:59 - Pakistan - Karachi

Today, the sewage pipe busted on the side of our house, spew fecal matter and the condoms I recently flushed. My parents now refuse to talk to me, and won't let my girlfriend anywhere near the house. FML

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By No-Sleep Nellie - 7/7/2015 13:26 - United States - Waterloo

Today, my mother woke me up by loudly vacuuming the house. I had to work the next morning, so I asked her what she was thinking. She told me that if I was really tired and needed sleep, I wouldn't have woken up. It was 3 AM. FML

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By noboyfriend - 24/5/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend. I called him and started yelling at him over the phone. He told me that if I wanted to end the relationship I should just hang up the phone right then. Before I could say I still love him and don't want to break up, my phone battery died. FML

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By bbcgj - 4/7/2015 09:30 - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, my internet was so slow I couldn't even load an internet speed test to see how slow my internet was. FML

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By embaressed - 20/9/2010 02:13 - United States

Today, I came home to find my drunken father sitting on our front lawn. He had a blanket, lit candle, and was singing with his eyes closed. He told me he believed he was Buddha from watching the history channel. Meanwhile, cars were driving by our house beeping, and yelling "praise the lord!" FML

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By ohhdear.___. - 26/3/2012 14:54 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I found out my 12 year old daughter is going through a bit of an "emotional" stage. I got a call from her school saying she was sitting in the corner at recess trying to cut her wrist. With a plastic spoon. FML

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By Studying is for crazy people. - 22/11/2014 04:36 - United States - Stockton

Today, I was studying for my Spanish midterm nonstop. After I closed my book, I was so tired that I thought that my cat was asking me questions in Spanish. FML

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By ljcxo17 - 1/7/2011 08:49 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. But not to worry, he said she's only in town for a week then he's done with her. FML

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By not a kiddy fiddler really - 29/5/2015 20:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my daughter's wedding celebration, I was doing a Michael Jackson act with a few buddies. It went well until I did the crotch-grab. I yanked my balls too hard and fell to the floor, writhing in agony in front of nearly 70 guests. FML

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By PrayingForMoney - 25/3/2013 08:48 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was at my job, waiting tables. A fellow server and myself were given a party of 14 Bible thumpers. They left us $9.00 and a mini Bible after awesome service, telling us we did a great job. Unfortunately, Religion doesn't pay my car payment. FML

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By xharuki - 29/8/2010 20:37 - United States

Today, I was closing at work when someone came in ten minutes before close (2am) and placed a huge order. I couldn't turn him away because he's my manager from my other job. He was drunk. FML

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By stupid - 24/12/2018 18:00

Today, after turning in a paper that I worked really hard on, I got it back with a grade of 0. In the feedback section, my professor wrote “In all my 37 years of teaching, this is by far the worst essay I have ever read.” FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2010 15:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three months told me that he had cheated on me two months ago with my best friend. I decided to give him a second chance. About twenty minutes later, he then broke up with me for not wanting to watch football. Apparently I don't care about his feelings. FML

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By ashleyrae - 29/6/2011 14:55 - United States

Today, my brother got a pet ferret. He told me it had a flexible spine, so I bent it backwards. It farted, and clawed my face. FML

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By nottrustworthy - 18/11/2010 06:44 - United States

Today, my wife of seven years told me that she doesn't trust me with dog-sitting her dog while she leaves to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's with her family. She ended up calling someone she "trusts" to take care of her dog while I spend the holidays by myself. FML

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By presente13 - 17/5/2013 04:35 - United States

Today, my family and friends decided to throw a surprise party for my 16th birthday. I was so surprised that the shortness of breath triggered a serious asthma attack. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2016 22:01

Today, my roommate's boyfriend professed his love to me. I kicked him out, and he stood outside the door calling my name until he saw my roommate coming down the hall. They both came in and he acted like nothing happened. FML

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By Tiff676 - 16/8/2009 04:31 - Canada

Today, I was working at the theater as an Usher. A man comes up to me and gives me his ticket. At the same time, he takes a sip of water and suddenly felt the need to sneeze. The water came out from his nose and landed all over my face. I was covered with his mucus and had to wish him a good movie. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2016 16:27 - United States - Bedford

Today, I was working out and doing box jumps. My friend thought it would be funny to kick the box aside as I tried to jump onto it. Now I have 2 broken teeth. FML

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By perfect - 4/2/2013 20:47 - Canada - Whitby

Today, my boyfriend and I arrived at our pre-paid hotel for a romantic evening. When we went to sign in, they had no reservation for us, however they did yesterday. The payment is non-refundable. FML

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By ~Mr.Void - 9/10/2010 03:12 - United States

Today, my friends and I got front stage tickets to our favorite band. Being my first concert, we planned to start a small mosh pit in the back. I got knocked out by my bestfriends elbow and was rushed to the hospital, during the first song. FML

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By bastardddd - 11/4/2009 01:47 - United States

Today, I was in class finishing up an assignment when the guy next to me, my crush, said "I really love your hair." I started to blush then I turned towards him and said thanks, at the same time as the girl he was actually talking to. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2012 21:08 - United States - Nutley

Today, I realized I'd put on my shirt on inside out, so I went to the bathroom stalls to fix it. As I was taking it off, I accidentally dropped it in the toilet. FML

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By JeffeeBojangles - 28/2/2012 12:46 - United States

Today, my grandma seemingly decided that it was a really nice day to put my cat in the dryer. FML

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By poopiemanlol - 1/12/2009 22:24 - Canada

Today, I realized that you should never teach your 6 year old child how to use the microwave, unless you want to be cleaning melted pet fish for about half an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2013 08:03 - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, it was my son's fifth birthday. I asked my grandmother, who is a baker, to make a birthday cake for the party. Two hours after the party started, she arrived drunk with a large ham with candles in it. FML

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By logkitty - 10/4/2012 04:35 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was sitting in my car outside my apartment complex when a man came around the corner holding something shiny, and I thought was a gun. Thinking I was about to get robbed at gun point, I bugged out and threw up. It was a silver watering can. He asked if I was okay. FML

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By pinpin - 13/11/2008 11:39 - France

Today, I helped my son do his maths homework. He got a C and won’t talk to me anymore. FML

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Top comments

By ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7858127 - Sunday 10 November 2019 9:05

Your boss should've claimed compensation from you

By AstroTurf Matador | 6

#7858152 - Sunday 10 November 2019 11:37

You should've pretended to tie your shoe, or pick up something you dropped so you could give it time to dissipate.

COMMENTS

By ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7858127 - Sunday 10 November 2019 9:05

Your boss should've claimed compensation from you

By AstroTurf Matador | 6

#7858152 - Sunday 10 November 2019 11:37

You should've pretended to tie your shoe, or pick up something you dropped so you could give it time to dissipate.

By Ksweety_fml | 27

#7858213 - Sunday 10 November 2019 18:33

damn, I felt the second hand embarrassment for you..

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7858237 - Sunday 10 November 2019 19:07

Unless she heard you fart or you claimed it, she may think her car stank and she's mortified.

By johnnyswallop | 18

#7858507 - Monday 11 November 2019 18:50

I've never been in a situation where a fart DIDN'T follow me. What were you thinking?

By crashtestdumplin | 12

#7860684 - Tuesday 19 November 2019 21:52

We call that “trailin”