PocketTrash
This guy grudges
Today, my dad is still mad because I tossed his empty coffee can over 3 days ago. FML
sadmom
What are you doing here?
Today, I found out the man I have been dating is my son’s principal. I found out by having to pick my suspended son up from school. FML
bloodyhell
United States
Good God, man…
Today, my dad tried to convert me, as he has numerous times before, and asked me why I was an atheist. After giving him a polite explanation and asking him if we could drop the subject, he nodded slowly and said, "You must be menstruating or something. You'll change your mind." FML
Anonymous
Kids, it doesn't get any better
Today, I was sitting in class when I overheard a group talking about how much they don't like me. When they saw me there, they burst out laughing. FML
Dumbass
Netherlands
Waiting for Godot
Today, I'm still waiting for my ex, who yesterday afternoon told me that he'd be here within the hour. FML
Anonymous
🌶️ Spicy
Deez nutz hurtz
Today, I was about to have sex with my wife, so I walked into our room naked, but then whacked myself in the nuts with the door handle as I attempted to close it. She can't stop laughing, and I can't sit down. FML
Anonymous
United Kingdom
Panic mode: activated
Today, I got out of bed and saw muddy footprints next to it. They were at least three sizes bigger than mine. I live alone. FML
notagain
🌶️ Spicy
Grindr danger
Today, while on Grindr, I met a guy who seemed really nice and we hit it off. After chatting for a bit, I received a message from his wife, telling me I'd better leave him alone. This isn't the first time that's happened. FML
xTRYSOFTx
United States
Crime scene
Today, I called the police because I thought a burglar had broken into our house. I found out the strange noise was just my dog fucking about, so I smashed a small window and kicked down a door so I wouldn't be embarrassed. FML
Kathleen Verhaegen
Pale AF
Today, I went to get a double conch piercing. Afterwards, the lady asked me whether I was feeling well, because I was looking so pale. I had to explain that it's my normal skin tone. I'm just pale as fuck. FML
Anonymous
🌶️ Spicy
Fast and Furious
Today, my girlfriend were having sex. When I finished, she whispered in my ear, "30 seconds." FML
Anonymous
🌶️ Spicy
I miss him
Today, after a 6 month dry spell, my husband was yet again “too tired” to have sex. I guess I finally found something I miss about my ex. FML
Anonymous
🌶️ Spicy
Spit or swallow?
Today, my girlfriend and I were doing the deed when she suddenly said, "Hold on babe, I think my nose ring fell out." After she couldn't find it for a minute, she said, "I'm sure it's on the bed somewhere." Immediately after that, she yelled, "OH MY GOD, I JUST SWALLOWED IT." FML
Kilamo
United States 🌶️ Spicy
Beautifully said
Today, my boyfriend of 3 years got down on one knee and asked those words all girls love to hear, "Would you do me the honor of performing fellatio on me?" with a Lifesavers gummy ring. FML
Anonymous
Winner
Today, my parents met my fiancée's parents for the first time in a large family gathering two weeks before our formal wedding. Both sets of parents were telling funny stories about our pasts. My dad's story won. He told how I spent a week in jail earlier this year. FML
Perry85
🌶️ Spicy
Confusing love triangle
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I said the wrong name in bed. On top of that, it was the name of her ex-husband's ex-girlfriend. Who he cheated on my girlfriend with while they were together. FML
Anonymous
Mega creep
Today, I met a new guy at work who wouldn't stop hitting on me. We ended up on a six-hour shift together watching a pool, so we were wearing nothing but bathing suits when he began grabbing me inappropriately. When I confided in my female coworker about it, she told me that he was her husband. FML
chopchop
Bad choice
Today, I went to a different hairdresser than usual to get 5 inches off my hair and bangs. He ended up charging me half price, saying, "Don't worry, we all make mistakes." FML
hottytodday
Oxford, United States 🌶️ Spicy
Courtesy visit
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend on our couch. Meanwhile, my parents came to visit us without telling me. FML
zAstonish
Singapore, Singapore 🌶️ Spicy
Coinkydink
Today, I realized that my brother is one of those people who comment on porn. I found out about it because he commented on my video. FML
Anonymous
Berlin, Germany
Queasy
Today, my boss offered to give me a ride on her way home. Two seconds before getting into the car, I had to let out a fart. I didn't think the fart would follow me in, but it did. She rolled down the windows, and we lapsed into a silent, awkward ride home. FML
Anonymous
Experimentation is good
Today, I was at my friend's place with a bunch of people. I saw a pair of panties in his laundry basket, so of course I yelled, "DUDE! YOU GOT LAID!" Turns out he didn't get laid, he was 'experimenting'. He was so mortified, he burst out crying and threw us all out. FML
Anonymous
Cool
Today, I tore my calf muscle while skipping and singing Yellow Brick Road. I'm off my foot for 4-6 weeks and don't even have a cool story. FML
julieseattle
Hyperviolence
Today, I was at a restaurant waiting for a table. Some lady walked by, smelling like BO and patchouli oil. I attempted to cover my nose with my sweatshirt, but I thumped a small girl in the process. FML
Disproportionate
Bent
Today, I noticed that the glasses I got this week seemed off balance. A further inspection showed that one of my ears is bigger than the other. Through even further inspection, my family concluded that the entire right side of my body is higher than my left. FML
Anonymous
🌶️ Spicy
A Different Kind of Tension
Today, I got a text from a guy I hooked up with once before my current boyfriend. The guy told me he has chlamydia, and I should probably get tested. I had to call my boyfriend to explain what happened and tell him to get tested. I'm meeting his family this weekend at his sister's wedding. FML
bad friend
Monterey Park, United States
Hissy fit incoming!
Today, my boyfriend’s female "best friend" hates me for absolutely no other reason other than she, "just doesn’t get along with girls." My boyfriend doesn’t see a problem with this, and insists I should just accept it since, "that’s just how she is." Time to throw the whole man away. FML
Kahlilah Kilgore
Touching story
Today, I was half asleep when my cat came over to cuddle. I was petting her in the dark when I felt what I thought was a patch of matted fur under her neck, as if she had been injured and bleeding. Alarmed, I felt for that spot again and found myself holding her tail. What I'd felt was in fact my cat's anus. FML
Anonymous
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Today, my mom told me my aunt was coming over. I told her I might have to work, and would be sad to miss her. My mom said, "Or, you know, if you're not there, it might be nice." FML
Sheev
San Francisco, United States
This Charming Man
Today, I was texting the guy I like. I asked him why our friend didn't want to come to the movies with us. He replied, "She didn't want to be the third wheel, but it's not like I'm going to put the moves on you. I'm out of your league, and you're socially awkward anyway." That's just what I wanted. FML