By - 9/1/2020 20:00

Winner

Today, my parents met my fiancée's parents for the first time in a large family gathering two weeks before our formal wedding. Both sets of parents were telling funny stories about our pasts. My dad's story won. He told how I spent a week in jail earlier this year. FML

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Long story short

Weird kid

Everyone's an expert

By todayJman03 - 22/12/2009 13:03 - United States

Today, I gave my wife her anniversary card. She started to giggle then walked in our bedroom and came back with the exact same card from last year. This is the second time I've done this. FML

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By fmlmylife - 11/3/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was walking to school and decided to be a good citizen by picking up a beer can on the sidewalk. I then walked on to my school's campus where I then got suspended by my dean for "trying to rebel", grounded by my parents for getting suspended, and an MIP from the school's police guard. FML

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By nomwar - 17/6/2013 13:55 - United States

Today, I went to a new bar with friends. After arriving I became extremely gassy; I planned a smooth release during the loud music. Little did I know the bar occasionally dips its music to hear the guests singing. When the music turned off all eyes turned to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2012 23:58 - Australia

Today, I was hanging out with my brother and his friends. While we were walking to the store, there was a loud snap. Everyone jumped. My bra had snapped, and I had to hold back tears of pain and pretend I was just as confused as they were, while they searched for the source of the sound. FML

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By xxlexi_lovexx - 29/3/2010 04:20 - United States

Today, I was about to have sex with my boyfriend. His best friend called and said he just beat God Of War 3 and that my boyfriend could borrow it. He got up, got dressed, ran to his car and told me I could walk home. FML

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By LadyJ - 21/3/2012 00:23 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I had to tell a parent about her son kicking a boy in his class. She blamed me for not watching him. I wasn't watching him because I was turned around to care for another boy he had hit right before that. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2009 03:15 - United States

Today, I called my husband during my lunch to tell him that I wanted to go out tonight for my birthday. We got in argument because he said we couldn't afford it. When I got home from work, he was gone, so I called his cell to see where he went. Answer: to the bar with his friends. FML

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By Josh - 27/9/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, I found out the reason why my therapist was so nice to me all of the time. Apparently, she is afraid that I'm going to stab her if she pisses me off. FML

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By I'm disgusting - 26/5/2019 22:11

Today, my girlfriend caught me using my T-shirt as a tissue. Again. FML

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By - 29/2/2020 14:00

Why I did that?

Today, I was trying to shave down there. I'm about 6 months pregnant, and I can't see past my belly. I ended up scaring the crap out of myself into thinking I was miscarrying until my baby kicked and I realized I had just accidentally cut myself with the razor. FML

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By wow - 30/10/2014 22:05 - United States - Turlock

Today, my mom spelled my name with all lowercase letters. When I asked her why she wrote it like that, she got pissed and snapped back, "Capitals are for people who amount to something." FML

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By Rachael - 24/8/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I wondered why the cashiers at my local chip shop were being so unusually friendly and knocked money off my bill. Then when I got back to my boyfriend's house, I noticed my bright red bra shining through my black top like a light. I debuted my tits for some chips. FML

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By lovely-sweet - 27/11/2008 12:34 - France

Today, during a lunch I said "It must be awful to realize that you've been cheated on!". One of the men present had just found out that he had been. I then try to correct my tactlessness by saying "The worst must be when your wife leaves you for another woman". Which was also the case. FML

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By anonymous - 7/8/2012 03:08 - Australia

Today, I successfully stopped my hair straightener from falling into a bathtub full of water by grabbing hold of the burning hot plates. FML

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By medstudent - 4/2/2009 21:24 - United States

Today, it was the first time I ever saw a vagina in person. It was during medical school training on how to do a pelvic exam. FML

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By ohcrap - 8/11/2012 01:41 - United States

Today, while I was sitting on the toilet, my toddler swung the door open. We just bought the house, and we have no curtains. Our new neighbor, who I haven't met, was mowing her yard. I stood half-naked to close the door, and our eyes met. I froze. She waved. FML

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By Tooks - 28/7/2009 19:41 - United Kingdom

Today, everyone at work commented on how much better my new haircut looked and how I should keep styling it this way as it's such an improvement over my old style. I was late for work this morning. My new hair style was Bed hair that I didn't have time to sort out... FML

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By cheaterscheat - 29/7/2012 01:21 - United States - Saint James

Today, I went to the hospital due to extreme sickness. My boyfriend saw this as an opportune time to take another girl out since I was "otherwise preoccupied." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2018 22:00

Today, my lazy, obese mother took the last motor cart at the grocery store. My leg is in a cast. She told me to "use the shopping cart to help with the limp" as she rolled away. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2010 01:55 - United States

Today, I read that using vegetable oil would give your legs a smooth feel, especially if you haven't shaved for weeks. So I tried it out. My legs felt slimy, the oil clogged up the blades, and I was reduced to shaving my legs with a naked razor head and soapy water. Endlessly smooth indeed. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2011 18:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain to my friend why it's inappropriate to conduct a phone conversation while simultaneously eating a bagel, listening to music, and taking a shit. FML

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By single - 27/3/2020 05:15 - Canada

The Boxer

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I checked the box with the ring to make sure it was still there, and saw a piece of paper in it. It said, "No." FML

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By frustrated - 17/5/2014 10:11 - United States - Forest Park

Today, I called the cops on a couple who was fighting outside my window at 4am. They hid in the bushes when the cops came, came back out when they left, and started fighting again. FML

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By pool party - 29/5/2013 00:48 - United States - Rockford

Today, a few freshmen jumped my fence. They decided to take a dip in the pool, so I pulled out a paintball gun. I unloaded over 100 rounds, painting their backs bright yellow. It also dyed my pool yellow, and it'll apparently cost around $500 to repair. FML

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By jauregz - 25/5/2017 00:00 - Australia - Lalor

Today, my neighbours had an extremely loud party, which began at midnight and didn't end until 6. I know this because I had a 15 minute sleep, seeing as I had to wake up at quarter past. FML

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By colebear - 27/5/2011 08:45 - United States

Today, I went to hand in a job application, and the supervisor wanted to ask me a few questions. I was nervous so I kept touching the fabric on a nearby display table. Only after I left did my friend tell me it was a pantie display, and that I was fondling underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2011 16:27 - United States

Today, I was attacked by clowns at work. I don't work at the circus. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2013 19:12 - Norway - Oslo

Today, my boyfriend bought me a silver necklace. I have a silver allergy, but I thanked him anyway and encouraged him to return it. I found out later that he knew about my allergy all along and bought it on purpose so he could return it, get a refund, and still look good. FML

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By happybirthday - 6/3/2010 19:42 - United States

Today, my husband bought me a beautiful pair of earrings for my birthday, to match the necklace he'd spent months searching for online the previous year. What necklace? He gave me a watch he found at Walmart last year. I wonder who the lucky girl with the necklace is. FML

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By Markeesha - 15/7/2018 19:30 - United States - Eaton

What happens in Vegas doesn't stay there?

Today, I got a letter from the state that I'm being divorced. I've never been married. FML

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By firedupasshole - 27/7/2020 05:01

Make your mind up

Today, while taking to-go orders at my restaurant, a customer called saying he wanted his food well done. He even said, “Burn it to a crisp.” Which is what I told the kitchen. When he came to pick it up, he opened his food, inspected it and screamed, “Not this burned, you damn retard!” and threw it at me. FML

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By Iris - 12/10/2016 13:53 - Canada - Saint-laurent

Today I bought a 50$ voucher card to refill my phone. After I purchased it, I threw the receipt in the dustbin. When I got home, I found out that the 14-digit pin code was on the receipt. I basically threw 57 bucks in the dustbin. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2019 06:00

Today, I was picking up after my dog with a poo baggie over my hand, like a mitten. Too bad the bottom ripped open and my bare hand poked through it just as I grabbed a big handful of steaming dog turd. FML

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By CalledOut - 2/2/2015 06:41 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I started getting calls from gay men looking for anonymous kinky sex. It turns out that my coworker has been posting my personal information in Craigslist Personals section as a prank. My wife doesn't believe that my coworker is such an asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2009 05:11 - United States

Today, I thought it was a good idea to go number two while smoking a "cigarette". My ash tray was over by the sink so I decided to just ash in the toilet. While ashing between my legs, I sneezed and now I have a extremely uncomfortable burn on my man member. Smoking is bad. FML

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By weddingsalwayssuck - 28/1/2013 21:01 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I found out my best friend has been stealing hundreds of dollars from me and my fiancé. My wedding is tomorrow morning. Guess who my best man is. FML

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By Wwiimaniac - 25/6/2012 14:05 - United States - Dallas

Today, I finally achieved the perfect hourglass figure. Too bad I'm a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2010 13:42 - Reserved

Today, there were reports of a drunk and disorderly male, and I arrived at the scene only to discover a drunk guy having explosive diarrhoea in a photo booth. He turned to me and shouted "God save the Queen!" It's then that I remembered it was my job to do something about it. FML

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By lessimportantthanatable - 15/11/2017 12:00 - United States - Northfield

Today, I learned that the new granite countertop in my parents' house cost $12,000. Coincidentally, this is also the amount of money I would have needed to go to the college of my dreams instead of the cheaper school I currently attend. FML

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By ricksterile - 29/10/2011 00:44 - United States

Today, we were playing dodgeball at school. I tried to duck and jump around so the idiots on the other team couldn't nail me with the ball. Mid-jump, it tore through the air and smashed straight into my ballsack, sending me curling into a fetal position on the floor. I feel like I got sterilized. FML

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Top comments

By Sady_Ct | 36

#7873231 - Thursday 9 January 2020 22:33

I love the fact it says ‘a week in jail earlier this year’ and it’s reposted on 10th of JANUARY.

By fullacrapallofyou | 14

#7873150 - Thursday 9 January 2020 18:11

Another repost from years ago

COMMENTS

By fullacrapallofyou | 14

#7873150 - Thursday 9 January 2020 18:11

Another repost from years ago

Reply

Sady_Ct | 36

#7873231 - Thursday 9 January 2020 22:33

I love the fact it says ‘a week in jail earlier this year’ and it’s reposted on 10th of JANUARY.

By Wadlaen | 18

#7873251 - Thursday 9 January 2020 23:44

Well, my parents met my in laws for the first time next to my coma bed - a much less joyful occasion, but which I didn't witness...

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7873499 - Friday 10 January 2020 23:42

The whole family should already know this.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7873571 - Saturday 11 January 2020 9:02

At least your dad didn't get so drunk he cut his thumb off carving the turkey. Eh, Peralta?

By J15237 | 19

#7877953 - Wednesday 29 January 2020 3:39

That actually sounds funny as hell. Besides if your fiance knows and they accept you then I would do nothing, but laugh about it.