By sadmom - 18/3/2020 05:05

What are you doing here?

Today, I found out the man I have been dating is my son’s principal. I found out by having to pick my suspended son up from school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1553

You deserved it

371

Favorite

Proactive

Whatthefuckaburger

Goodbye Bill

By Kelly - 23/7/2020 02:01

Polly wants it

Today, at work, I booked a vet appointment for an African Gray to get a birth control implant. I didn’t even know that was a thing and I definitely never thought that a parrot would have a more active sex life than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1287

You deserved it

154

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I pretended to drunk text some friends. When in all reality I was sitting home all alone. I don't know what's worse: that I pretended that I was social and drunk, or that the friend I said I was with was actually with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11117

You deserved it

52266

Favorite

By dogless - United States

Today, I found my pit bull after three weeks of frantic searching. When we returned home, I put out food and water for him. I went to get him and found him in my room, wagging his tail at me. He had peed on my comforter, freshly folded clothes, and new 60 dollar winter coat. Welcome home, Caine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28091

You deserved it

6599

Favorite

By race - Australia

Today, I was in a meeting and someone behind me sneezed really loudly. As they were doing so, I felt something cold land on my neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33579

You deserved it

2666

Favorite

By Red Toad - 30/11/2020 00:04 - United States - Litchfield Park

Wokescolds gonna get you

Today, I realized the topic for my 1750-word essay could end up offending people, and I had to start all over from the beginning with a different topic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

331

You deserved it

533

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was watching a horror movie with my girlfriend. Suddenly, the killer jumped on screen. My girlfriend screamed. I peed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37707

You deserved it

13759

Favorite

By Rebecca - United States - Austin

Today, my colleague yet again misused the word "literally." It's driving me insane. I have to work opposite him and hear him say things like he's just "literally shit himself inside out." FML

I agree, your life sucks

24197

You deserved it

5164

Favorite

By Alexman1985

Today, while paying a $60 tab on drinks for a girl, a guy grabs the money-clip out of my hand and runs. I start to chase after him; the girl trips me, then runs after him. The bartender calls the cops; not to catch the thieves, but to report me for not paying. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58016

You deserved it

4962

Favorite

By krh14 - United States - Crofton

Today, my girlfriend was feeling a little down, so I tried to console her. She said she just needed space and I respected that. Then an hour later she was fine, so I asked how she did it. She replied that she talked to her ex for a whole hour. This is a common procedure. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40295

You deserved it

5170

Favorite

By WTF

Today, I was awoken by my neighbor pounding on my back door at 3 am, only to look outside and see my car engulfed in flames. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43000

You deserved it

3050

Favorite

By bitch - United States

Today, my car broke down. I had a two mile, up-hill walk ahead of me. About half way up the hill, a car beeped. Thinking they were poking fun at my misfortune, I began to curse and use obscene gestures, only to find out that it was my neighbor asking if I needed a ride. She drove off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7759

You deserved it

55343

Favorite

By noyodel - Italy

Today, I had been planning a family trip for months. My father had all his bags packed, ready to go in the car. He had my grandmother's ashes in his suitcase, and planned to spread them on a mountain. This morning our car was broken into and everything was stolen. The thief stole my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63329

You deserved it

3373

Favorite

By Ace - Canada - Toronto

Today, my brother tried to give my dog a walk by attaching an RC helicopter to the leash and following him while flying it. He broke the RC helicopter which cost 300 dollars, and we had to search for the dog for 3 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45116

You deserved it

8916

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, being near-broke, I resorted to shopping at Walmart. Barely ten minutes in, an obese sack of lard posing as a human being shoved me away from the bacon I was looking at. I fell, busted my lip, then got screamed at by another woman for not watching where I was going. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55626

You deserved it

12780

Favorite

By Anonymous - 16/2/2021 01:58 - Australia

Teamwork works

Today, I had a huge amount of work to get through. Two colleagues offered to help, because one had nothing else to do, and the other couldn't work until I was done. My boss got really pissed at me for "making" them do my job and wasting their time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

843

You deserved it

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Boulder

Today, I heard my husband say from outside, "Seriously Dan, what could go wrong?" This was followed a few seconds later by a bang and screaming. Turns out he'd tried to smash his head through a wooden plank like a martial artist and failed. He ended up with splinters and a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44810

You deserved it

5261

Favorite

By amy

Today, it's my birthday. I went downstairs expecting birthday greetings from my parents. Instead, they just sat on the couch saying nothing. Thinking they forgot, I casually reminded them. My mom scoffed and said, "Go do the dishes." FML

I agree, your life sucks

4296

You deserved it

332

Favorite

By royalscenery - Canada

Today, after discussing the side-effects of an insomnia aid, my doctor said that making a choice was naturally a difficult one, and that he would only prescribe it to me once I'd had "a good, long sleep on it". He then laughed out loud and called in the next patient. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26152

You deserved it

2817

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, a guy who annoys me walked over. To avoid speaking to him, I pretended to be on the phone and he walked away. A few moments later, my phone rang. I looked around to see if he'd seen me. He had. He was the one ringing me from down the hall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11566

You deserved it

39823

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized the closest thing I've had to an intimate relationship with a female is the one I have with my cat. Even then, she ignores me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27418

You deserved it

5743

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Dearborn

Today, I walked into my elderly client's home for my first day of work. I was immediately hit in the eye with something small, and had to get medical attention for a scratched cornea. It turns out my client likes to clip his toenails right by his front door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43177

You deserved it

3549

Favorite

By sma93 - United States - Baldwin

Today, after my work's Christmas party, everyone got so drunk that I had to help one of my only sober co-workers take everyone home and clean up vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7635

You deserved it

573

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I went to work in my best outfit for the big corporate party we were having later in the day. When I arrived, my boss said, "You missed one hell of a party yesterday!" Shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42635

You deserved it

10840

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned how my cat's flea medicine works. Instead of killing the fleas, it just makes the fleas move off of the animal. The good news is my cat no longer has fleas. The bad news is, the fleas moved into my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44248

You deserved it

4490

Favorite

By Busted - Mexico

Today, I canceled my ATM card, because it had been lost. Then I found it. Then I found out I can't reactivate it, because I asked for a replacement card. I'm from CA, and I'm in Mexico with only 20 bucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28134

You deserved it

8530

Favorite

By iannie - United States

Today, I went to the beach. While I was swimming, I noticed a few really hot guys passing. Trying to be sexy, I slowly got out of the water, showing off my body. I showed a bit more than I expected when I realized my bikini bottom had fallen off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29330

You deserved it

39376

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was wrapping Christmas presents for various people; 17 to be exact. It wasn't until I placed the last present on top of the stack that I realized I didn't put gift tags on any of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12989

You deserved it

40661

Favorite

By greeenbean - Samoa

Today, I was woken up by the massive earthquake in Samoa. I went downstairs to discover that all the hotel staff had fled and abandoned the hotel guests. I was left to run up to higher ground on foot. It was a three hour hike. By the time I got to a safe spot, the tsunami warning was lifted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38309

You deserved it

3747

Favorite

By kana__ - Japan

Today, my sister got her retouched wedding photos. Apparently one of the things she had the professional do was edit me out of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34210

You deserved it

2633

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I managed to convince a girl to come back to my place for a bit of fun. Unfortunately, I was wearing cheap new black underwear, and some of its fibers had stuck themselves to my knob, making it look like a weird fleshy caterpillar. I didn't get lucky. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30171

You deserved it

20305

Favorite

By waterlogged - United States

Today, my entire region received record rainfall, with torrential downpours all day and night. Today was also the day I discovered my car's sunroof leaks, when I was greeted with two inches of standing water in my floorboards. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24844

You deserved it

2594

Favorite

By jessi - United States

Today, I told my son he couldn't have a toy. He threw a fit, looked me in the eye, and screamed, "Daddy's right! You are a bitch!" The whole store was watching. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41027

You deserved it

6640

Favorite

By Noname - United States

Today, during a game of manhunt, my brother and his friends thought it would be funny to tie me to a telelphone pole with my very own multicolored jumprope from when I was younger. They left me there. My mom drove by, stared and then laughed, She kept driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62564

You deserved it

5103

Favorite

By leem - Belgium - Zoersel

Today, as I was driving out of a parking lot, some douchebag yelled at me: "Nice car! Too bad you're so ugly!" It was my friend's car, so I don't even have that going for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41472

You deserved it

3202

Favorite

By yosmurf

Today, my son proudly announced to me that he has been learning to cut out shapes at school, and that he'd cut out some ovals and wanted to show me. He showed me the pictures of Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson and Jackson and their corresponding bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1778

You deserved it

242

Favorite

By Late

Today, my boss at my new job yelled at me for being 15 minutes early to work. Last week he yelled at me for being late for my shift when I arrived 5 minutes early. He's considering this my final warning before I'm fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11090

You deserved it

696

Favorite

By karebear - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months said he wasn't going to break up with me, he was just going to stop touching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33575

You deserved it

4622

Favorite

By really_now - United States - Reno

Today, I was driving when I noticed that the guy in front was on the phone. I pulled up next to him, pulled out my phone and I made a gesture that he needed to put his phone away. It was a cop. I got a ticket for driving while on my cell phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42942

You deserved it

34156

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I was at a very important meeting with a client and I had to use the bathroom. I was so nervous that I squirted white soap all up my suit jacket. My client walked in and commented on my "jizzy" blazer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20025

You deserved it

2097

Favorite

By Mac - France

Today, I was called by my son's school. They said he'd been forging my signature and comments in his reading book. He didn't forge them. I don't know what's worse: my handwriting looking like a 6 year old's, or being too cowardly to admit it. He has a week of lunch detention, but I still have my dignity. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11361

You deserved it

115390

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By dramaqueen0703 | 12

#7890288 - Wednesday 18 March 2020 6:53

How one does not know who is principal at their kids school🙄

By RichardPencil | 29

#7890280 - Wednesday 18 March 2020 5:31

How has his job not come up in conversation?

Do you guys just start boning the minute you get together?

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7890280 - Wednesday 18 March 2020 5:31

How has his job not come up in conversation?

Do you guys just start boning the minute you get together?

By dramaqueen0703 | 12

#7890288 - Wednesday 18 March 2020 6:53

How one does not know who is principal at their kids school🙄

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7890306 - Wednesday 18 March 2020 8:40

I saw that movie too

By mcsmee | 6

#7890527 - Thursday 19 March 2020 4:15

Seems like it should be pretty easy to get your son reinstated and his record cleared. Assuming you're good in the sack, of course.

By Itsheragain | 9

#7890537 - Thursday 19 March 2020 6:53

tell him if he doesnt suspend your son youll make it up to him. Lmfao

By boogerjt | 6

#7891278 - Saturday 21 March 2020 22:29

Forest Gump😂