By Anonymous - 11/3/2020 15:01

Deez nutz hurtz

Today, I was about to have sex with my wife, so I walked into our room naked, but then whacked myself in the nuts with the door handle as I attempted to close it. She can't stop laughing, and I can't sit down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1802

You deserved it

446

Tweet

Share

Dangling modifier

Instadrama

They're everywhere

By Jennagirl - 12/10/2009 14:03 - Australia

Today, after spending the night at my boyfriend's house, I was heading out the door when he called me back to hand me something I had left at his house a while ago. It was one of my bras. It wasn't until I got home I noticed the cup size was a B. I'm a size D. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42316

You deserved it

3626

Tweet

Share

By fmfb - 7/6/2011 23:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend got into my Facebook and changed our relationship status to single just to see which of my friends would "like" it. After revealing to me what she did, she now says I can no longer be friends with anyone who liked it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43528

You deserved it

6244

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/3/2009 20:02 - United States

Today, I got a phone call from my mother asking me if I was okay. Confused, I asked her what she meant. She then told me that my boyfriend had broken up with me, and she just wanted to make sure I was handling it alright. I had to find out my relationship was over from my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

76776

You deserved it

3681

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/1/2014 06:29 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I shut one of my breasts in my car door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54887

You deserved it

10221

Tweet

Share

By Embarrassed ass. - 23/10/2015 04:05 - United States - Oregon City

Today, while on a walk during lunch, I urgently needed to pee. Not thinking I could make it back to the office, I slipped into some bushes to relieve myself. As I was going, I looked to the side and saw two coworkers staring back at me. They were having sex, and I'm there with my dick out. Awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27416

You deserved it

3817

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/4/2020 17:00

Marriage (Dress) Story

Today, I found out that the company I sent my wedding dress to caught fire and lost everything in their building. I was going to be the fourth generation woman in my family to wear it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2611

You deserved it

123

Tweet

Share

By GodMemory_AbsentMind - 21/3/2017 18:00

Today, when paying for gas, I realized I'd forgotten my wallet back home. After a moment of panic, I managed to remember my card number. I paid, blowing the cute cashier's mind, and drove away, before my car started sputtering and slowed to a crawl. I'd used the wrong fuel. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3528

You deserved it

4921

Tweet

Share

By nitroman64 - 30/7/2010 23:40 - United States

Today, I was visiting my girlfriend at her house. We heard the door bell ring. She told me to jump out the window thinking it was her dad. I jumped, landed wrong, and got hurt. It turns out we were ding-dong-ditched. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15839

You deserved it

28179

Tweet

Share

By got got - 30/1/2020 14:00

Great help

Today, I just moved in with my friend and had my brother help with the move. Later that night both my brother and my friend wouldn't let me sleep because of how loud the sex was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2091

You deserved it

270

Tweet

Share

By Jbs4lf - 27/12/2011 03:15 - Belgium

Today, I got punched in the face by a drunk because I couldn't give him any cigarettes. I don't smoke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30468

You deserved it

2675

Tweet

Share

By Grrr - 20/7/2012 07:58 - United States - Salem

Today, I was walking in my apartment when I felt something stab my foot. Thinking it was a piece of glass, I looked down. It was one of my roommate's toenail clippings. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26221

You deserved it

2060

Tweet

Share

By youjustsuck - 25/7/2011 18:07 - United States

Today, I was home alone, and enjoying my freedom decided to walk around naked blaring my radio. What my mother forgot to tell me before she left was that a guy was coming to fix our dish washer today. Imagine our mutual surprise as I danced around the kitchen while getting a drink. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32171

You deserved it

12719

Tweet

Share

By OpenSesame - 9/5/2020 05:00

Portal

Today, at Walmart, I unknowingly chose the only non-automatic door to exit through. I stood in front of the door looking for the motion sensor while the greeters laughed at me for at least half a minute before I saw the "PUSH" sticker. FML

I agree, your life sucks

904

You deserved it

781

Tweet

Share

By Cleo - 23/6/2010 14:27 - Brunei Darussalam

Today, I found out that my colleagues don't add me on Facebook so that they can publicly put me down in their statuses, without me knowing. My boss liked the one which said that I talk too much. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34227

You deserved it

10363

Tweet

Share

By savioyr - 15/8/2018 15:00

Today, my business partners of 5 years asked me right after our 5-hour audit with the tax department, "Oh, we have to pay tax?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

2812

You deserved it

355

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 06:44

Today, I signed up to a Christian website in order to try and 'find God again'. I got banned. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18432

You deserved it

27132

Tweet

Share

By miss tomato - 8/6/2012 16:36 - United States

Today, I was really badly sunburnt, so I put on some after-sun. The only type we have has glitter in it, and now I look like a sparkling tomato. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24404

You deserved it

5636

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/2/2017 14:00

Today, while doing a project on income, my teacher told me there are no houses in Japan. I told her I lived in Mitaka for 3 years and that I lived in a house there. She told me I was bullshitting. So much for quality education. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6713

You deserved it

345

Tweet

Share

By JRock - 22/2/2009 20:41 - United States

Today, at my softball game, there was one spot left for center field. The coach had to choose between me or the girl who forgot her glasses and was blind without them. He chose her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46788

You deserved it

4833

Tweet

Share

By iamScaredyCat - 3/4/2020 20:00

Stay indoors, it's safer at the moment

Today, I was texting while walking up the stairs to my porch. When I looked up, I saw someone standing behind the porch door, and was so scared that I fell backwards down the stairs. Turns out, it was just my reflection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

766

You deserved it

1502

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/4/2015 01:50 - Canada - Cornwall

Today, I thought my dad was finally showing interest in the business I started last year when he asked about my next event. Nope, he just wanted to know if I would hire his step-granddaughter. Her first question: "So, I won't have to do any like, real work right?" Gee, thanks Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29254

You deserved it

2286

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/10/2015 06:39 - Canada - Victoria

Today, my wedding celebration came to an awkward pause when my dad slapped my mom across the face and called her a whore after she admitted to having an affair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31937

You deserved it

1849

Tweet

Share

By Celluloid - 29/4/2011 06:52 - United States

Today, I thought I heard someone shifting around in my house. I froze in fear and then I heard it again. I thought I was hearing things until I realized that it wasn't an intruder in my home. The shifting noise was my thighs rubbing together when I walked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17030

You deserved it

39779

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 22/5/2009 08:36 - United States

Today, a homeless man bathed himself in the restroom at my coffee shop in West LA. He locked himself in there for a good twenty minutes. The lingering smell was so strong that my other coworker vomited. Thanks to what is apparently a relatively strong gag reflex, I got to clean up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47950

You deserved it

2856

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/1/2011 18:25 - United States

Today, it's been a full week since my last orthodontist appointment and I still can't eat anything besides Slimfast and pudding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25353

You deserved it

3246

Tweet

Share

By rice_cake - 22/5/2009 10:52 - Australia

Today, I was sitting at a bus stop and a guy stops in front of me and says "Oh very nice. How much?" I reply "You couldn't afford me." An old guy sitting next to me says "I bet I could" and puts his hand on my leg. I forfeited the bus and walked home in the rain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59060

You deserved it

25932

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/11/2009 21:27 - United States

Today, I was enjoying the benefits of marriage with my new husband. We were changing positions when my joints started crackling and popping like my mother's did when I was a kid. My husband stopped, concerned about my possible pain... I'm 20 years old and pop like an arthritic 50 year old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31485

You deserved it

3833

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/12/2014 19:36 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I posted a photo on Facebook showing a side-by-side view of me before and after I'd tried out my new makeup. My dad commented, "What is this, Gollum cosplaying an Orc?" My mum, brother, and over 20 "friends" liked his comment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31479

You deserved it

5513

Tweet

Share

By suhleedah18 - 19/12/2011 05:03 - United States

Today, I was working on the computer when my dad walks in, pointing his finger at me like a gun. Before I could even ask, it turns out he was aiming a rubber band at me. The doctor says I'll be able to take off my eye patch in a couple of days. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34724

You deserved it

2632

Tweet

Share

By sisterlylove - 10/1/2015 19:02 - United States - Hannibal

Today, I found three of my sister's dildos as I helped her unpack boxes for her new house. Jokingly, I said, "Why would you even need three?!" She actually explained. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37244

You deserved it

13780

Tweet

Share

By jazthefish - 12/7/2010 19:42 - United States

Today, I drew a face on a balloon and pretended to make out with it. The balloon popped and shot to the back of my throat, where it got caught. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13757

You deserved it

71566

Tweet

Share

By Sadtimes - 17/9/2009 17:44 - United Kingdom

Today, my sister broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years because he hadn't "popped" the question. I've just spent the last 2 months helping him plan the perfect proposal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51694

You deserved it

3709

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 07:22 - Germany

Today, my class went to Berlin. At the subway station, our teacher told us to get on the next train. I was the first one to get on and the only one who didn't hear her saying: 'Wait, that's the wrong one!' I'm lost in a city I've never been before. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34602

You deserved it

6192

Tweet

Share

By Raiden - 10/3/2013 16:03 - United Kingdom - Barnsley

Today, my girlfriend accused me of being a feeder, saying that's why she's been putting on so much weight. When I said it might be because she eats at McDonalds everyday, and that I was willing to start cooking low-calorie foods for us, she hit me. Then she went to McDonalds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46837

You deserved it

5280

Tweet

Share

By RektForLyfe - 25/7/2016 03:32 - United States - Wickliffe

Today, I was accepted to the college of my dreams. Then I checked the address. Turns out, the letter was meant for my neighbor. I was actually denied. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17464

You deserved it

1218

Tweet

Share

By ksgirl - 12/9/2009 07:39 - United States

Today, the guy I have been in love with for years decided to tell me all about his women problems and how he can't find someone. After telling him I loved him he responds, "do you know if anyone else does?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

48068

You deserved it

4024

Tweet

Share

By hungry? - 22/7/2012 06:34 - United States - Talbott

Today, some friends told me that my natural body odor smells like cooked beef and roasted onions. I'm disgustingly delicious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22536

You deserved it

4436

Tweet

Share

By HazzaBoo - 7/8/2012 23:45 - United States

Today, I decided to help the homeless by giving them old clothes and food. In return, they decided to mug me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25544

You deserved it

2949

Tweet

Share

By MitchFail - 23/7/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, in the midst of foreplay, this girl tells me I am so hot, I respond "Ditto." She heatedly responds "I love ditto," to which I suavely reply "I didn't know you were into Pokémon. That may make you even sexier." She knows nothing about Pokémon, but I sure know how to kill the mood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20635

You deserved it

73841

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 22/5/2009 08:18 - Australia

Today, my dad asked me to unpack the groceries he'd brought home. When he saw me come across a bottle of lube, then he told me how my mom had hit menopause and, as a result, her vaginal dryness made sex harder for the two of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

67614

You deserved it

3795

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By TheSminty1 | 17

#7888912 - Wednesday 11 March 2020 20:21

Geez, how tall are you?

By user53658 | 15

#7889053 - Thursday 12 March 2020 11:10

Every man's dream; a wife who can't stop laughing when you are in serious pain...

COMMENTS

By TheSminty1 | 17

#7888912 - Wednesday 11 March 2020 20:21

Geez, how tall are you?

By user53658 | 15

#7889053 - Thursday 12 March 2020 11:10

Every man's dream; a wife who can't stop laughing when you are in serious pain...

By jfigley | 4

#7889176 - Thursday 12 March 2020 21:55

After she stopped laughing did she kiss it to make it feel better lol

By Brandon Mecca | 4

#7889736 - Sunday 15 March 2020 15:05

looks like the door busted your nut for you