By Anonymous - 11/3/2020 15:01

Deez nutz hurtz

Today, I was about to have sex with my wife, so I walked into our room naked, but then whacked myself in the nuts with the door handle as I attempted to close it. She can't stop laughing, and I can't sit down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1820

You deserved it

452

Tweet

Share

Empathy hurts

Not a good look

The sweet smell of success

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried baking my own bread to save food money. Unfortunately I screwed it up, prompting my wife to look at me pityingly and say "Wow, can't get even bread to rise." before walking out. I have erectile dysfunction, and she constantly insults me like this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46635

You deserved it

3926

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a wild squirrel managed to get into my house. I can't see him but I hear him in the walls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29049

You deserved it

2591

Tweet

Share

By Bridget - Canada - Orangeville

Today, I found out I have something in common with three other girls. We all have the same boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64146

You deserved it

5728

Tweet

Share

By cubs44fan - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I had the most intelligent conversation I've ever had with my boyfriend. He was getting really in-depth about subjects like biotechnology and gamma radiation. I soon realized he was only referring to the Incredible Hulk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40350

You deserved it

6119

Tweet

Share

By ER1C - Canada

Whoops

Today, as I was walking my dog around the block, I fell in the splits position on wet dirt and ripped my pants right on the front. I then had to walk home casually holding a chihuahua on my crotch hoping I would not run into anyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13387

You deserved it

1192

Tweet

Share

By myjobsucks - Australia

Today, I found out that I'm working on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. I'm spending my favourite time of the year working for $8.70 an hour. At McDonald's. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41217

You deserved it

9238

Tweet

Share

By NowABlonde - United States

Today, I decided to lighten my hair. I applied the dye and waited 20 minutes. When I went to wash the dye out, the water wouldn't turn on. After my head started to burn, I called the landlord in a panic. Turns out there was a water main break and the entire city block doesn't have water. FML

I agree, your life sucks

81461

You deserved it

5948

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ignored my cat's incessant meowing, and pushed him away every time he wanted to be petted. The next time I walked downstairs I found him dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29592

You deserved it

96341

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Lancaster

Today, we decided to go to an aquarium for a little family get-away. At the end was a shark viewing deck, and I leaned over the rails to get a better look. How did I find out that my glasses needed to be adjusted? They fell off and sunk right to the bottom of the shark-infested waters. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45302

You deserved it

13572

Tweet

Share

By nick - United States

Today, I came home to find a note on my door from the neighbor saying "I saw a coyote eat your dog, but was afraid it was rabid." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32947

You deserved it

2602

Tweet

Share

By anon mom - United States - Manassas

Today, my 9 year-old daughter had really bad constipation. When I took her to the doctor, he had to 'break it up' with a gloved finger, and then he sent me home with directions on how to administer an enema. I do not recommend trying to give an enema to a kid that doesn't want one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13621

You deserved it

949

Tweet

Share

By ParkingGuy - United States

Today, while working as a parking booth attendant I decided to be nice and offer a woman free parking. I said, "give me a high five and I'll give you free parking since I already did the paper work." She said, "I'd rather pay," with a really disgusted look. I also had to redo the paper work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44371

You deserved it

8487

Tweet

Share

By PillPopperApparently

Today, after constantly shaming me for my ADHD and anti-anxiety pills, my family finally convinced me to drop $250 on their trusted psychiatrist friend because they thought he’d talk me out of taking them. He recommended higher doses of everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2551

You deserved it

166

Tweet

Share

By Jedi2500 - United States

Today, as I was leaving for work, I discovered my neighbor had just passed away. I found out when I came across his body lying in my front yard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36323

You deserved it

2146

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Meriden

Today, my girlfriend wanted to try having sex despite her serious body image issues. Unfortunately, I couldn't get it up due to how utterly terrified she looked. Now no matter what I say, she thinks it's all because her body is hideous. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26899

You deserved it

2896

Tweet

Share

By Stress - United States

Today, I was feeling really stressed so I bought some nice stress relieving lotion. When I got home, I took it out of the bag and accidentally dropped it (not realizing it was made of glass). The bottle shattered into pieces and I even cut my finger on one piece. So much for relieving stress. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23168

You deserved it

4494

Tweet

Share

By vanguardwiley - United States

Today, I woke up from the worst nightmare I've ever had. After tearfully explaining to my boyfriend, in detail, how bad this dream was, he told me to "put on my big girl panties" and make him breakfast. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48544

You deserved it

13708

Tweet

Share

By smth - United States

Today, I was babysitting. The kids were thirsty, so I poured them both a cup of the green juice I'd found in a jug in their fridge. They downed it in a flash. It wasn't until later on after I'd poured myself a cup and taken a sip, I realized I had given them margarita mix. The kids are 4 and 2. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17204

You deserved it

58104

Tweet

Share

By Zooep

Today, I had to prepare for my big meeting tomorrow morning. Before going to bed, I washed my face. Unfortunately, the towel I wiped myself with turned out to house our red ant infestation. My face looks like a ripe tomato. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9637

You deserved it

763

Tweet

Share

By RKE - United States

Today, I went to our school golf banquet, after being with the team and practicing every day for a few months with them. When it came time to get the certificates, all the names were called out. Except for mine. When I asked the coach where my certificate was, he said "Who are you?". FML

I agree, your life sucks

35494

You deserved it

3304

Tweet

Share

By sparkynobe - Australia - Melbourne

Today, a co-worker asked me what meat we use for the drumsticks. We work in a chicken factory. This co-worker also thought that spreading out the chicken wings more evenly in the tray would increase the overall weight of the product. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3871

You deserved it

248

Tweet

Share

By UnSupported - United States - North Kingstown

Today, I excitedly told my family that, after years of studying and dedication, I've been awarded a full scholarship to Germany. My mom's reaction was to start sobbing about me becoming a "heathen" and my dad and brother started telling Nazi jokes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44920

You deserved it

3885

Tweet

Share

By ALLALA - Canada

Today, my husband and I were watching TV. An info-mercial came on for a diamond cross necklace that had the lord's prayer engraved inside of it. As the commercial ended I said, "who in their right mind would actually buy that?" Turns out, my husband would, for our anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49823

You deserved it

24315

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Marion

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. She pulled down my trousers, saw my Poke-ball boxers, and absolutely lost it. I had to lie next to her in bed for the next 10 minutes hearing her howl with laughter while crying "Dickachu, I choose you!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

60871

You deserved it

69934

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Fort Myers

Today, I was at K-Mart and saw an exact copy of my engagement ring for twenty bucks. The same one that had supposedly been in my fiancé's family for generations, and worth thousands. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27435

You deserved it

3002

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Telford

Today, while trying to open the packaging to my new headphones, I got startled by my cat suddenly meowing and cut through the headphone wire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13881

You deserved it

3213

Tweet

Share

By Redsnation

Rage Quit

Today, my older brother said that if he beat me in a game of NBA 2k17, he would get to keep my PS4. I beat him so badly that he got angry and destroyed my PlayStation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5635

You deserved it

500

Tweet

Share

By HOPE YOU GET PEGGED - Canada - Hinton

Today, my mom hosted a high-school reunion. I had to prepare dessert, while my brother cooked dinner. Being the absolute dickhead that he is, he switched the sugar with salt. All the desserts I made tasted like shit, everyone left, and I got grounded for my supposed prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26376

You deserved it

2390

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, the only reason I have toilet paper is because someone decided to teepee my driveway and left an entire roll behind. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19795

You deserved it

2032

Tweet

Share

By Wilson

Today, I fractured my tibia, fibula, and tore a tendon in my ankle. How? You might ask. By stepping in a hole at soccer practice. Now I’ll be out for the entire season with months of rehab. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2563

You deserved it

191

Tweet

Share

By katams - United States

Today, I was going for a walk and I kept smelling pee wherever I went. After about an hour, I finally figured out that the smell was me. My dog had peed on my sweatshirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28704

You deserved it

5279

Tweet

Share

By ABD

The system is broke!

Today, I found out that when I go on Medicare in January, one of my medicines will go from $45 per month to $3000 for the first month, then $425 per month for the rest of the year. I need this medicine to stay alive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6329

You deserved it

334

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/7/2020 02:02

Best foot forward

Today, after a month of things going wrong in my life and finally getting better, I woke up refreshed and ready to face the day. Then, I fell down the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1488

You deserved it

120

Tweet

Share

By fml9124

Does she really love me?

Today, my wife and I watch the Chargers play the Packers. Philip Rivers is the Chargers quarterback. Out of the blue, my wife says "Philip is a stupid name." My middle name is Philip. We have been married 32 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1792

You deserved it

283

Tweet

Share

By ZAS - Canada

Today, at the daycare center that I volunteer at, a 5 year old boy asked me "What do you do when you really want something?". I told him to try his best to get it and give it his best. He ended up stealing from the donation box and when he was caught he said that I told him to do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54529

You deserved it

6240

Tweet

Share

By danny5191 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a nasty cough, but I went to college anyway. When I walked into class, I could practically smell menstrual blood in the air. After a few coughs, our instructor gave me an "Oh, shut up!" After half an hour, she kicked me out for not "taking the class seriously". FML

I agree, your life sucks

26878

You deserved it

8605

Tweet

Share

By ouch. - United States - Stamford

Today, I was washing the dishes when I gave myself a nasty gash on my leg from the open dishwasher door. After five minutes of cleaning up the blood and wrapping it up, I came back to finish the job only to drop a plate and send broken shards into my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2631

You deserved it

327

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years admitted why his pet name for me is "his beautiful swan". Apparently, the first few years we were dating, he and his friends secretly referred to me as "the ugly duckling" because my sister was so much hotter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59351

You deserved it

3573

Tweet

Share

By Bacon0426 - United States - Skaneateles

Today, in honor of America's birthday, my 50-year-old father decided to light off homemade bombs without telling anyone. The screams of me and my family members were louder than the bombs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12669

You deserved it

1088

Tweet

Share

By my dumb bro - United States - Gillham

Today, I woke up to my brother chopping all my bangs off. When I yelled at him, he could only shout back, "You can see clearly now, the bangs are gone!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

55296

You deserved it

8746

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By TheSminty1 | 17

#7888912 - Wednesday 11 March 2020 20:21

Geez, how tall are you?

By user53658 | 15

#7889053 - Thursday 12 March 2020 11:10

Every man's dream; a wife who can't stop laughing when you are in serious pain...

COMMENTS

By TheSminty1 | 17

#7888912 - Wednesday 11 March 2020 20:21

Geez, how tall are you?

By user53658 | 15

#7889053 - Thursday 12 March 2020 11:10

Every man's dream; a wife who can't stop laughing when you are in serious pain...

By jfigley | 5

#7889176 - Thursday 12 March 2020 21:55

After she stopped laughing did she kiss it to make it feel better lol

By Brandon Mecca | 4

#7889736 - Sunday 15 March 2020 15:05

looks like the door busted your nut for you