By Dumbass - 12/3/2020 05:00 - Netherlands

Waiting for Godot

Today, I'm still waiting for my ex, who yesterday afternoon told me that he'd be here within the hour. FML

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1180

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Understandable

Walk on the wild side

And today, on Dr Phil…

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my teenage son tried to huff a can of spray paint. FML

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39394

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6539

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By captainuniverse - United States - Nashville

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. She also said I'm going to be an uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19957

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1268

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By anon - United States - Elkhart

Today, while having sex with my husband, we had to move around our cat during position changes. Our cat controls our sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47188

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17500

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2021 14:01

Be the hero

Today, I learned I will hand my daughter off to a complete stranger in order to provide help during an emergency situation. I don't know whether I feel proud to be someone who steps up in the moment, or mortified and ashamed that I gave my kid to a bystander so easily. FML

I agree, your life sucks

582

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180

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my dad what his plans for Friday were. Apparently, he's going to a concert with my step-mom all evening. It's been their plan for months. Friday is my birthday. That's been set since the day I was born. FML

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37142

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By 4lphab3t4

Today, my neighbour almost ran over my little sister, and blamed it on his disability. What disability? He has no sense of smell. FML

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10781

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577

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By noway6000 - United States

Today, my parents left for work before I had to leave for school and I decided to skip. I stayed by the phone, expecting the school to call so I could pose as my parent and excuse my absence. The phone rings and I pick up. It's my Mom, calling to leave my dad a message on the machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9547

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94549

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By Casey - United States

Today, I realized it is now considered normal and routine that my boyfriend wets the bed after a night of drinking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28842

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4880

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By disgruntled stepdaughter - United States - Reno

Today, my step-mom stole over $100 in cash from me, dumped dirty cat litter all over my clean bed sheets, and called me a whore for having a polite conversation with my boyfriend. I confronted my father about it. He told me to forgive her, because she's "on her period." FML

I agree, your life sucks

44426

You deserved it

2702

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By methane overload - United States

Today, while on the bus, the guy sitting beside me let out the vilest and most nauseating fart I've ever encountered, the kind that could retroactively sterilize five generations of one's ancestors with the smell alone. As I gagged, he smirked and said, "That's Taco Bell for ya." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40114

You deserved it

3805

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By - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, when I went to my gp for an annual check up, I was complaining to the nurse about my chronically sore ankle. Turns out it has been fractured for 8 years. When I was 11 I was playing in my grans garden and went over on it. FML

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2572

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276

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By Me - United States

Today, my neighbors coated their house in flashing Christmas lights and blared out "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" all day long. Only 29 days left until Christmas. FML

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28469

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3338

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By Ihatemyfamily - United States - Euless

Today, my brother's high school was having a soccer game against mine, and as a sign of good luck, I told him to "break a leg". He broke mine. FML

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14299

You deserved it

1321

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By Gangnam - Sweden - Bromma

Today, while at a red light, a guy in a tux and sunglasses doing the Gangnam Style passed over the crossing, followed by a man with a video camera. This isn't the first time I've stopped for people doing a Gangnam Style parody. FML

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27509

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3948

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By Mike - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, and she asked me if I ever get made fun of in the locker room for my small penis. FML

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100644

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7630

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By bigscarypuppy - United States

Today, my sister went into early labor. Instead of telling me, my mom turns to my dog and says "Guess what? You're going to be an uncle!" Our new dog ranks higher than me in our family's metaphorical food chain. FML

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35502

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By Anonymous

Today, after a year of diet and rigorous exercise, I've still gained weight. Confused, I went to my doctor. Apparently I have a thyroid condition he forgot to mention, and therefore haven't been on medication for, thus causing weight gain. FML

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3836

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235

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By animal lover...

Today, I woke up to my cat slowly dragging her paw across my face. I opened my eyes to see a bloody mouse dangling an inch from my face. It was still twitching. FML

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47786

You deserved it

4025

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2020 20:00

The grudge

Today, I was told by a former coworker that my former boss still talks about me being lazy, ever since the time I refused to do a few things on third shift when there was me and 2 other people working. I haven't worked there in 3 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1300

You deserved it

198

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By Loser - Germany - Neuburg

Today, following a 6-hour roundtrip after having lost both games from a baseball doubleheader, I was pleasantly surprised to see that my 4-year-old son was still up. After updating him on the day's results, he went off to bed with the words, "Good night, loser." FML

I agree, your life sucks

10833

You deserved it

1224

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By virginmary - Reserved

Today, I was making out like a sixteen year old at the high school prom with this guy I kinda liked. All of a sudden, he rolls away and tells me he's "finished." We both had our clothes on the entire time. He is 23, I'm 25. I didn't know that was possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24282

You deserved it

3822

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By Pratik_ra - 1/12/2020 07:58

Rolling in it

Today, I got raise at work. It's $3 per month. FML

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805

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104

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By Toolmaker

Today, we got the bill from our lawyer. She'd recommended taking my common-law wife's ex-husband to court for child support, so we went to court and won. The judge awarded us over $8300! The bill came to $18,000. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2816

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633

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By letdown - 19/7/2020 14:01

Great timing

Today, I finally had sex with a coworker I’d been flirting with for nearly 2 and half years. The sex lasted less than 2 and a half minutes. FML

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1431

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I cleaned my toilet. I had forgotten it was white. FML

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8210

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49003

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By Sir Smokalot - France

Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting his parents. When we got there, I hugged his mother, and she glared at me. Later that day, I heard her telling her son that he should leave me because I smell like cigarettes, and she hates smokers. I don't smoke, my boyfriend does. He did all the way there. FML

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43089

You deserved it

2865

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Special wedding

Today, on my wedding day, when they said "you may kiss the bride", I swung my wife over in the romantic fashion and went in for the kiss. Unfortunately my hands were sweaty as I was nervous and she slipped under my grip. She fell and was knocked unconscious in front of hundreds of people. FML

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2131

You deserved it

1351

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By bumblebee - United States

Today, my boyfriend complained that we may not work out because I'm "just too needy". I'd woken up early and texted him "good morning" while he was trying to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24635

You deserved it

9631

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By Anonymous - United States - Roanoke

Today, my mom found a new fad, and now styles herself as some kind of modern druid. Normally I'd just roll my eyes and deal with it, except she's forced the entire family to go vegetarian, threatening harsh punishments if we refuse to stop "poisoning" our bodies. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41879

You deserved it

3400

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Picture game

Today, my boyfriend stated that we should play a game where one person asks the other a question, and they answer it with a picture. I thought it sounded fun so I said yes. His first question was, "Do you shave your vagina?" FML

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1447

You deserved it

2052

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By Just_do_it_17 - United States

Today, after being out of the closet for over three years, I learned that some of my friends still don't believe me that I am really a lesbian. They still think I made the whole thing up because I can't get a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40900

You deserved it

8044

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By Sleepless in Juneau - United States - Fairbanks

Today, my housemate's cat began meowing at 2:15am. After about 10 minutes of continuous caterwauling, it finally shut up. Almost immediately afterwards, a car with thumping bass music pulled up to idle in the street right outside my window. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2541

You deserved it

205

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By Grandzilla - France - Ablancourt

Today, I got a call from my panicking grandmother. I asked her what was going on, and she explained that, “Godzilla doesn’t work.” Not really understanding, I asked her to clarify. “Yes, you know, Godzilla, to use the internet.” FML

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12672

You deserved it

1137

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2020 17:00

Spooky

Today, I work as a RGN in an old victorian-style nursing home. Due to Covid-19, we've lost many residents, one passing just the night prior while I was with him. This morning, the TV turned on its own at nearly 4 a.m. in the lounge, and one of the HCAs reported stuff falling off in the corridor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1523

You deserved it

136

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By Hesintrouble - United Kingdom

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend's boss. She was wondering if he was okay, since he hasn't shown up to work for the past two weeks. Now I'm wondering where he's been going when he leaves the house each day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64888

You deserved it

4307

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By Anonymous - United States - Egg Harbor Township

Today, I had an unbearable itch on my foot that I could not make go away with my nails, so I grabbed the stapler in my drawer to scratch it with. Bad idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6740

You deserved it

48922

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By Becca - United States - Portland

Today, my mother-in-law "borrowed" my dog without asking, to show him off to her friends. My dog is my service animal, and I'm not comfortable leaving the house without him. I have to be at work in an hour, and she's not picking up her phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2124

You deserved it

405

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Today, I wasn't sure whether it was past the time when they stopped giving out parking tickets. I checked the meters on either side of my car, and both were expired, so I figured I was good. I came back out to all three of us having tickets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

525

You deserved it

1832

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By I need a new ballsack. - United Kingdom - Macclesfield

Today, I'm at that age where sitting down carries a 50/50 chance of turning my balls into scrambled eggs, a fact confirmed yet again today. Third time this week. I think it's time to switch to briefs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30290

You deserved it

4457

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2020 20:01 - Germany - Hörth

No justice

Today, my ex-boss still owes me almost 900€. I just paid another 150€ to have a lawyer tell me that, yes, the law is clearly on my side but no, I will most likely not win in court because I don't have hard proof. I just paid money to be told I won't be getting the money I'm owed. FML

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1196

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119

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Top comments

By raven_of_azarath | 32

#7888990 - Thursday 12 March 2020 5:01

Either your ex lied, or you need to be checking hospitals.

By whyamiaddictedtothis | 8

#7889159 - Thursday 12 March 2020 20:06

Legends say that shes still waitin in 3020

COMMENTS

By raven_of_azarath | 32

#7888990 - Thursday 12 March 2020 5:01

Either your ex lied, or you need to be checking hospitals.

By bloopaloop | 27

#7888996 - Thursday 12 March 2020 6:30

How about your “next”? Where they at?

By ojoRojo | 27

#7889091 - Thursday 12 March 2020 15:19

Hope you’re not holding your breath

By whyamiaddictedtothis | 8

#7889159 - Thursday 12 March 2020 20:06

Legends say that shes still waitin in 3020

By EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7889162 - Thursday 12 March 2020 20:47

there's a LOT of missing information here

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7889210 - Friday 13 March 2020 2:09

I see why you’re an ex. Stop being a welcome mat.

By Ali Nayeri | 4

#7889300 - Friday 13 March 2020 16:30

Why would you want to meet up with your ex tho?