All the FMLs

Bigger cages! Longer chains!

By naas1201 - 28/11/2020 05:02 - China

Today, I'm working in China and I had to explain to my boss that no, it's not okay to not pay me for 3 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 959

You deserved it 90

Gratitude

By Anonymous - 28/11/2020 02:02

Today, I brought my girlfriend flowers. All she managed to do was to say, "It’s been a year since you brought me flowers." FML

I agree, your life sucks 818

You deserved it 371

Smart criminals

By Annette - 27/11/2020 23:01

Today, I came out to find my truck window broken. They broke into my truck to yank out the stereo. It was unlocked the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 877

You deserved it 104

You're a natural

By Blackout at The Gym - 27/11/2020 14:08 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I had a great leg workout at the gym. Instead of doing my cool down exercise at the end, I decided I wanted to do something more adventurous, like box jumps on one of those metal stools at the gym. Well, it turns out my body wasn’t ready for that. Now my shin is busted and swollen. This is my second week training. FML

I agree, your life sucks 338

You deserved it 1 072

Amazon Prime

By Anonymous - 27/11/2020 17:00 - Germany - Bayreuth

Today, I ordered an iPad to replace a broken tablet in a haste. I managed to order one of the only ones that doesn't support an Apple pencil. This is exactly the only feature I SERIOUSLY need. Can one be more stupid? FML

I agree, your life sucks 323

You deserved it 1 075

Pets are life

By mikalovernj - 27/11/2020 14:02

Today, my neighbor asked me to check in on his pet. When I went into his house, I couldn't find any animals. I searched all over, and finally gave up and called him. I asked him what type of pet he had. His response? "My pet rock, Stubby." That's right, I just spent some time looking for a rock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 078

You deserved it 173

Technologically challenged

By Anonymous - 27/11/2020 17:58 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, during my Zoom PTM my teacher screen-shared his Chrome tab, in which he had opened porn instead of the presentation he had to open, and now mom wants to change my school, where I've been studying in for past 10 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 018

You deserved it 143

Long term commitment

By Jules - 27/11/2020 07:56 - Germany

Today, while tidying up my grandmother's fridge, I got to play expiration-date-bingo. The winner was some type of concentrated apple sauce supposed to be used for salad dressings. It expired in 1986. FML

I agree, your life sucks 848

You deserved it 89

Interference

By mommycooks - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my family came over for Thanksgiving. We were supposed to have had dinner hours ago, but my mom kept sneaking into the kitchen and dialing down the temperature on the oven, claiming I was going to overcook everything. At this rate, we'll be lucky to have eaten by midnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 910

You deserved it 1 932

Masterchef 2020

By Anonymous - 26/11/2020 18:58 - United States - Maryville

Today, I was eating some cake that my roommate's girlfriend brought by for us. I felt something weird in my mouth, so I stopped chewing to grab it. It was a fingernail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 989

You deserved it 68

Happy Thanksgiving!

By Anonymous - 26/11/2020 14:08 - United States - Sacramento

Today, my daughter repeated what she had heard her grandma say when asked to say grace. It happened to be, "Dear God, why the fuck did we invite all these assholes to Thanksgiving?" I don't want to attend any more family gatherings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 046

You deserved it 158

Dominion

By baby.momma2 - 26/11/2020 19:58

Today, I told my boyfriend I was unsure of the future of our relationship, so he gave me a gigantic hickey to "show the world that I'm his." I work as a cashier and see people I know personally on a daily basis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 871

You deserved it 318

Two rooms, two atmospheres

By Anonymous - 26/11/2020 16:58

Today, I tried to cook a nice meal for my sister's friends. It turned out perfect and they enjoyed it, while I was in the bathroom throwing up for two hours due to food poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 153

Sticky situation

By AloneAtPerkins - 26/11/2020 03:58 - United States - West Bend

Today, I drove all the way to another state and dealt with Chicago traffic on the way just to learn to drive stick. I couldn't learn, because the truck was suddenly unavailable, and when it was available again, whoever had it last lost the keys. Guess I gotta make another trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 798

You deserved it 115

Zoom off

By Anonymous - 26/11/2020 07:59

Today, I was caught on a hot mic during a work department meeting complaining about someone using a leaf blower, F-bombs and all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 242

You deserved it 884

It's all in the timing

By laststand11 - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, my mom used, "Happy Thanksgiving break" and, "We sold your car" in the same sentence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 058

You deserved it 2 503

Bye, dipshit

By Anonymous - 25/11/2020 23:02 - United States - Merrimack

Today, my husband told me he no longer loves me and is moving out. It's also our 13th wedding anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 149

You deserved it 265

Seize the means

By Anonymous - 25/11/2020 18:02 - United States - Cody

Today, I found out I'm getting a pay cut, a week after I told my boss I need a raise or second job just to afford bills. I made the company 10k last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 107

You deserved it 107

You tried

By Anonymous - 25/11/2020 15:06 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I'm in my late thirties, I quit my dream job to go back to school in hopes of providing a better future for my family. All my wife does anymore is bitch about how she has to support the family and do everything. I just found out that my grades aren't good enough to continue my college program. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 115

You deserved it 740

Mystery message service

By Anonymous - 25/11/2020 20:02

Today, my two year-old opened one of my boyfriend's Snapchat messages. It was from a girl I've never heard of, with whom he has a 700+ day streak and is one of his top friends. The message said, "I wish?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 928

You deserved it 247

Money management

By Marea90h - 25/11/2020 16:58

Today, my fiancé finally was able secure a PS5, which I told him I'd get for Christmas. Due to high demand, I didn't think he'd be able to get it till next week or so. He bought it last night while I was sleeping. I have to pay my car insurance tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 824

You deserved it 356

The only one who could ever reach me…

By MeOhMy23 - 25/11/2020 07:59 - United States - Tazewell

Today, I went to have a vaginal ultrasound. The nurse walked me back and I got undressed. She said the tech doing the procedure would be right in. It was my preacher's son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 972

You deserved it 142

Smelly cat, smelly cat…

By Kas - 25/11/2020 11:02

Today, my cat decided the perfect place to throw up was on herself. Cleaning a smelly old cat with a showerhead is trouble enough, but when she tried to escape, it resulted in the bathroom being turned into one big puddle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 787

You deserved it 148

Light 'em up, boys

By Clogged - 25/11/2020 17:02 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, a week after I quit smoking, I lit up again. Was it stress? Cravings? No. I haven't had a crap since I quit, and can't take this gut ache anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 860

You deserved it 189

Make it so

By MissArizona - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my dad shaved his head. This wouldn't be so bad if he didn't expect me to address him as "Captain Picard" 24/7 now. He won't answer me otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 966

You deserved it 4 134

Interpreter blues

By Aleksandar - 25/11/2020 05:01

Today, at the hospital, I had to tell someone he was going to die because I was the only one to speak his language. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 282

You deserved it 71

Lose the boyfriend, not the weight

By Amanda G Rich - 25/11/2020 02:02

Today, yet again. my boyfriend told me I'm getting fat, even after I told him to stop and that it's affecting my mental health. I had an eating disorder previously, and now I'm thinking about going back to just eating an apple a day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 304

You deserved it 231

But was he cute though?

By Leah Truncale - 24/11/2020 13:58 - United States - Petaluma

Today, I met a boy on Snapchat. I sent him my picture and he said I was cute. We talked for a bit, and I said, "Okay" to something. Then he sent his picture, but my slow Wi-Fi made it look like I said okay to his picture, right after he'd called me cute. I tried to explain, but he said I was just trying to be nice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 936

You deserved it 174

Wage slave

By Anonymous - 24/11/2020 20:08 - United States

Today, at work, our customer service chat was empty all day, so I got up to go to bathroom. In the two minutes I was gone, three people tried to chat with me. Then I got a call from my manager, asking me why I wasn't doing my job. He told me to give advanced notice next time I had to pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 031

You deserved it 123

What are the odds?

By Anonymous - 25/11/2020 03:00 - Australia - Warners Bay

Today, while driving my car, there was a talk on the radio about road safety. I got so engrossed that I drifted and crashed my car into a sign promoting the talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 253

You deserved it 947

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I was out skating with a guy I really like. I put on my best moves, to impress him. I ended up slicing his lip open with my skate mid-jump. His lip is now wired shut by twelve stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 905

You deserved it 36 426

Today, my parents told me they'd be willing to pay for me to get a nose job. I asked them what was wrong with my nose, and they said nothing, it's just not the kind of nose they'd prefer to feature in our Christmas photos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 267

You deserved it 2 649

Today, the driver side mirror of my car was smashed off and laying on the ground. On the window was a $75.00 ticket for improper equipment for not having a mirror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 938

You deserved it 2 081

Today, while helping my father build a shelf, I suggested that we should probably use the instruction manual. He suggested I should probably shut the fuck up and do it his way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 026

You deserved it 15 242

Today, my extremely affectionate and docile cat, whom I love like a child and has never drawn blood, scratched my roommate of one day in the face while I was at work. She claims he just went ballistic, and I don't believe she's telling me everything. What the hell did she do to my cat? It's gonna be a long lease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 451

You deserved it 136

Today, I was really psyched to go see Kung Fu Panda 2 at the movies. Excited, I tried to do a flying kick off the cafeteria wall at work. Instead of kicking off, my leg crashed through the plasterboard and got stuck. My co-workers had to pull me free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 120

You deserved it 53 961