Today, I'm a horse trainer and I started working with a lady's horse. After two hours of hard work and sweat, me and the horse in question are tired and I tell her I'll be back tomorrow. I get to the part where she's supposed to pay me and she says, "Oh! I thought this was free!?" FML

Baustigt's comment : There's a way to get your money, don't worry. Every day, when she leaves her house, live there secretly until she returns. Take a bite from an apple? She's paid 8 cents of debt. Flush the toilet? You've gained 6/10ths of a cent. It's not stealing if you pretend it's free. Do this every day until it makes you whole. And then do it some more.

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Today, I hooked up with a friend. I expressed an interest in it becoming something more. He expressed an interest in not telling anyone and pretending it never happened. FML

by Is_This_Real / 09/12/2016 at 10:34pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, at the end of my 10-hour shift, my manager made me count exactly how many business cards were left in inventory before I could leave. She didn't believe me when the number came to exactly 3000. She made me count them all again. FML

by Weddingbelles / 09/12/2016 at 11:52am / United States (Missouri) / Work

Today, I was sitting in a drive-thru with my girlfriend waiting for our food and the idiot behind me rear-ended me. I got out of the car to tell him he'd rear-ended me. He then argued with me, saying he "didn't feel it." FML

by Irritated / 09/12/2016 at 11:29am / United States (Indiana) / Transportation

friedpwnadge's comment : Shove your foot up his ass, and when he complains, say you "didn't feel it".

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Today, I'm fostering a very shy cat who doesn't like to be held. I had to move the litter box to another room, but when I picked him up to show him where I'd moved it to, he peed on me. FML

by kdriver / 09/12/2016 at 10:44am / Canada (Ontario) / Animals

Today, I studied all night for a big test. I ended up falling asleep on the bus ride there. I woke up in a different province. FML

by CoolGuy69 / 09/12/2016 at 7:53am / Sweden (Vastra Gotaland) / Transportation

MissDQ's comment about their FML

Today, I got accused of trying to steal clothes because I was taking so long in the fitting rooms with only a couple of items. I got stuck in one of the shirts I was trying on. FML

by MissDQ / 11/30/2013 at 4:07am / Australia (Western Australia)

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

MissDQ

OP here. Someone else pointed it out to the attendant that I'd been in there for a while and since I'm 'a kid' I MUST have been trying to steal someth...

Today, I was performing for a fairly large crowd with my band. I decided it would look cool to stand on one of the speakers and sing from there. It did look pretty cool for a bit until I tried to step off and fell face-first on the floor mid-song. FML

by MarsMayFall / 09/12/2016 at 5:56am / United States (New Mexico) / Miscellaneous

Tripartita's comment : "It's not my favorite song, but it's so sweet when the bassist drops." "It's 'when the bass drops'." "No, it isn't."

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Today, someone spilled ammonium hydroxide in ethanol solution in the lab, which smells like very concentrated urine. Since the experiment involved Bunsen burners, we couldn't turn on the fans. We had to work in a lab that smelled like Satan's piss for 2 hours. FML

by r1has / 09/12/2016 at 4:21am / Pakistan (Punjab) / Miscellaneous

Today, my nose ring became a fish hook. What did I catch? My dog's harness. She nearly ripped it out of my face. FML

by CoalRose / 09/11/2016 at 4:33pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, as I was walking up to a urinal I heard a small hiss. I looked up just in time to get an eye full of chemicals from the automatic air freshener. I rinsed my eye out and went back to the urinal. It happened again. FML

by el_Jeffe_D / 09/11/2016 at 12:05pm / United States (Utah) / Miscellaneous

Today, I lifted up a watermelon, not realising it had gone bad. The thing exploded like an alien giving birth. Stinking juice and rotten inside all over the kitchen. Even behind the build-in closets. It smells like rotten fruit cheese and I can't reach behind the closets. FML

by melon squash / 09/11/2016 at 6:15am / Belgium (Vlaams-Brabant) / Miscellaneous

Today, I really haven't been feeling well. Even thought I felt like complete shit, my friends dragged me out to a club. When I got there, I ran into the bathroom and started simultaneously shitting and puking. If I stopped one, the other got worse. I was stuck there for an hour and a half. FML

by Anon / 09/11/2016 at 3:27am / United States (California) / Health