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Today, my girlfriend told me she wants to have sex with my ass. I'm not sure she's taking "no" for an answer, seeing as how she's keeping a dildo on her nightstand and is clearly waiting for me to fall asleep. FML

#21456687
207 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25602) - you deserved it (2592)

On 08/16/2015 at 11:49am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) -

UH60's comment : Are you by chance the same guy that 'accidentally' slipped into the wrong hole yesterday?

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Today, while working at a children's toy store, a woman walked in, looked around a bit, then asked if we sell dildos. FML

#21456680
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23446) - you deserved it (1574)

On 08/16/2015 at 11:22am - work - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

91hayek's comment : Anything can be a dildo if you're brave enough. - Abraham Lincoln

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Today, I was kayaking with my family for my birthday, when we tipped over while going down a rocky cascade. My husband badly cut up his arm, and my car keys and my phone both went for a swim and never returned. Great birthday. FML

#21456651
57 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18997) - you deserved it (7604)

On 08/16/2015 at 8:39am - misc - by KeysToHappiness (woman) - United States (Michigan)

Sqaud00's comment : Probably not a wise decision to take your keys and phone with you. Sorry OP

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Today, my elderly dad learned how to use Facebook. He now spends most of his time messaging me about his meals, his bowel movements and his foot fungus. He's now learning how to use Skype. FML

#21456611
50 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21498) - you deserved it (2057)

On 08/16/2015 at 4:14am - misc - by IceWrath - United Kingdom (York)

Today, I tried to vacuum to surprise my mom with a clean house. The vacuum started shorting out, sparked, and then burst into flames mid living room. FML

#21456542
53 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24137) - you deserved it (1863)

On 08/16/2015 at 12:10am - misc - by fire starter - United States (California)

Today, I was forced to watch my 5 year old cousin. In an attempt to get him to sit still for a minute, I challenged him to a thumb wrestling match. It's been 2 hours and he keeps thumb wrestling me. If I stop, he cries. FML

Today, we learned that our dog can run and urinate simultaneously. The entire house smells like piss. FML

#21456522
36 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21534) - you deserved it (1721)

On 08/15/2015 at 11:16pm - animals - by anonymous - United States (South Carolina)

Today, my vehicle's transmission shifter moves freely without shifting gears. I'm stuck in park, in a parking lot, unable to even put it into neutral to push the vehicle out of the way of several parked cars. The old lady screaming at me just outside my door doesn't understand logic either. FML

Today, I discovered that my mom bought roll on stick glue that looks quite a bit like deodorant. It was early in the morning and I was groggy. Long story short, I had to cut every one of my pit hairs. FML

#21456333
44 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18788) - you deserved it (3753)

On 08/15/2015 at 12:50pm - health - by someboody - United States (California)

Today, I had to fire an employee due to his staggering incompetence. The moment I said the F-word, he started fake-coughing, then loudly humming, then went to his desk and pretended not to hear anything I was saying. It took 3 of us to drag him out of the building kicking and screaming. FML

#21456323
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22570) - you deserved it (1643)

On 08/15/2015 at 11:47am - work - by bruised - United States (Florida)

Today, just as I was putting my contacts in, a gnat landed on it. Its guts got squished between my eyeball and the contact. FML

#21456316
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23231) - you deserved it (1593)

On 08/15/2015 at 11:20am - animals - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, it's been 2 days since my boyfriend "accidentally" slipped into the wrong hole while continuing to hammer me at full speed. I still can't poop or even walk right. FML

#21456278
37 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29000) - you deserved it (3555)

On 08/15/2015 at 5:32am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, my husband decided he would rather be with his mistress than with me while I gave birth to our first child. FML

#21456262
108 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25800) - you deserved it (2031)

On 08/15/2015 at 4:22am - love - by MissyPants - United States (California)



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