Today, a few weeks after moving in with my boyfriend, I borrowed his phone to Google something because mine was dead. His most recent searches? "How kill cat", "Kill cat laws", "Cat + poison". I thought he was ok with my cat when I moved in. FML
by Kitty Lover / 06/11/2016 at 3:04pm / United States (Texas) / Animals
DonULFonso's comment : Do some Google searches on "how to kill boyfriend", "murder laws", and "best poisons hard to detect"... and be nice to your boyfriend: surprise him with a cake, offer him coffee, cook him something nice...
by ForSeriousReally / 06/11/2016 at 1:48pm / Canada (Alberta) / Health
Today, I was helping some teachers with an exhibition for my final project. I brought an old USB stick with my final piece on it to display on a TV, but what I didn't know was that the TV didn't organize files by folders. Three teachers got a glimpse of my friend's infected nipple piercing. FML
by murtato / 06/11/2016 at 12:16pm / Cyprus / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 06/11/2016 at 10:27am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous
Tripartita's comment : If all that's required to take away someone's manhood is a proposal, is it really worth having in the first place? Nothing says "I'm secure in my masculinity" like pouting after a woman expresses her desire to spend the rest of her life with you.
Today, I told my dad about my new diet. He somehow figured I was only doing it to look more attractive to guys, because he told me my weight is fine and that it's just my personality that needs work. Thanks a lot, Dad. FML
by Anonymous / 06/11/2016 at 8:39am / United States (Ohio) / Health
by gross / 06/11/2016 at 3:56am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous
11XVI's comment : Was she hot?
Today, my wife said she was going to her friend's place to help her with couponing. She started getting ready at 5pm; shaved her legs, did her hair, put on skin-tight leggings and a low-cut top. Left at 6pm, snuck back in at 2:50am. Shit, couponing must be really exciting. FML
by Anonymous / 06/11/2016 at 1:15am / United States (New York) / Love
Today, my therapist told me to write down my goals for the next five years. After thinking hard for what seemed like forever, all I could come up with was getting a girlfriend and having an FML published. And to be honest, I'm not even sure about that first one. FML
by Anonymous / 06/11/2016 at 1:03am / United States (California) / Health
by reasonablysingle / 06/10/2016 at 11:27pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous
by poorbeauty / 06/10/2016 at 6:32pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous
Today, I went to my father's house to get my dog, since I had left it with him while I was on a business trip. When I got there, my dad said the dog pooped on the floor a few days ago, and so he took him to the pound. FML
by Anonymous / 06/10/2016 at 5:29pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Animals
by can't wait to go home / 06/10/2016 at 3:18pm / Trinidad and Tobago (Port-of-Spain) / Miscellaneous
Today, I had to take a drug test for my new job, which I desperately need and which took me over a year to land. I got a shy bladder and couldn't pee. They marked me as non-compliant and revoked the job offer. FML
by Anonymous / 06/10/2016 at 1:02pm / United States (California) / Work
- 1Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I… 2Today, after working for Uber for a few weeks I realized that my driver rating was dropping. After… 3Today, I moved three hours away from my boyfriend for college. Even though he got accepted to the…