Today, I was trying to get my girlfriend to speak Mandarin. After speaking her first words and taking a break, she posted on Facebook: "I speak ching chong! :D :D :D" FML

by Anonymous / 06/12/2016 at 8:37am / United States (Nevada) / Miscellaneous

Teyros's comment : Is Ching Chong English for Mandarin?

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Today, the girl I'd been seeing for a few weeks lost her mind and yanked my car's e-brake while we were on the highway. Why? Because I said I wasn't really interested in having kids. Guess I'll cross that relationship off as a "hell no". FML

by Anonymous / 06/12/2016 at 6:00am / Australia (Victoria) / Love

meatloaf11's comment : Time to pull the e-break on your relationship.

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Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. He decided to lock me in the apartment until I say that we are in fact still together. This is the 4th time he has done this. FML

by stuck / 06/12/2016 at 1:59am / Sweden (Stockholms Lan) / Love

Welshite's comment : Oh look. Stockholm syndrome in Stockholm.

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Today, while chopping green chilies, I accidentally rubbed my eyes. It currently feels like Satan pissed hellfire straight into my right eye. FML

by r1has / 06/11/2016 at 10:58pm / Pakistan (Islamabad) / Health

Today, while working as a cashier at a fast food restaurant, a customer asked me how many chicken nuggets were in our 6 count chicken nuggets. FML

by confused_cashier / 06/11/2016 at 9:34pm / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, on our anniversary, my fiancé left me. I now spent a couple hundred dollars on a hotel room and wine to cry myself to sleep, alone. FML

by BloodyElegant / 06/11/2016 at 11:22am / United States (Michigan) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, a few weeks after moving in with my boyfriend, I borrowed his phone to Google something because mine was dead. His most recent searches? "How kill cat", "Kill cat laws", "Cat + poison". I thought he was ok with my cat when I moved in. FML

by Kitty Lover / 06/11/2016 at 3:04pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I was outside using a power sander. I forgot to put on mosquito repellent and a mosquito started biting me. My only somewhat-free hand was holding the power sander. FML

by ForSeriousReally / 06/11/2016 at 1:48pm / Canada (Alberta) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was helping some teachers with an exhibition for my final project. I brought an old USB stick with my final piece on it to display on a TV, but what I didn't know was that the TV didn't organize files by folders. Three teachers got a glimpse of my friend's infected nipple piercing. FML

Today, I proposed to my boyfriend. He said yes, but is now sulking because I took away his "manhood". Jeez, sorry I didn't want to wait another 7 years for you to finally do it. FML

by Anonymous / 06/11/2016 at 10:27am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my dad about my new diet. He somehow figured I was only doing it to look more attractive to guys, because he told me my weight is fine and that it's just my personality that needs work. Thanks a lot, Dad. FML

by Anonymous / 06/11/2016 at 8:39am / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, at 19 years of age, I finally saw a nude girl in real life. Specifically, my sister. FML

by gross / 06/11/2016 at 3:56am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, my wife said she was going to her friend's place to help her with couponing. She started getting ready at 5pm; shaved her legs, did her hair, put on skin-tight leggings and a low-cut top. Left at 6pm, snuck back in at 2:50am. Shit, couponing must be really exciting. FML

by Anonymous / 06/11/2016 at 1:15am / United States (New York) / Love