Today, I was reading on a park bench not far from a grassy spot and a pond. A flock of geese landed on the grassy patch and began to eat some grass. I thought that I may be bothering the geese, but decided if I left them alone, they'd leave me alone as well. I was wrong. Geese are assholes. FML

by Geese Ahoy / 11/14/2016 at 12:00pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was making out with a guy in his car, when we decided we needed a minute of fresh air. We stepped out, only to completely lock ourselves out, with our phones and the keys inside. We had to smash a window. FML

by Silverfeathery / 11/14/2016 at 6:19am / United States (Maine) / Love

Today, my mother-in-law scheduled her neck surgery for the same day our baby is being born. She also fully expects my husband to drive her to the hospital and stay for her recovery. Uh, yeah no. FML

by merchgirl / 11/14/2016 at 5:31am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

species4872's comment : Should give her the fucking sausage from the handbag.

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Today, I was so broke, I couldn't come up with enough change to pay the parking meter at my job. FML

by joanikens / 11/14/2016 at 2:20am / Money

Today, after searching everywhere to find out where the funny smell that seemed to follow me everywhere came from, I finally found the sausage that my father had put in my purse. It has been a week. FML

by Anonyme / 04/14/2015 at 5:14am / Lithuania

Today, my mom volunteered me to house-sit for one of her friends. This lady has texted me over ten times in less than 24 hours, called me unreasonable for not dropping jury duty to meet with her, and has messaged my mom multiple times to complain about me. My mom already said I would do this for free. FML

by Knittedbirch / 11/13/2016 at 9:36pm / Miscellaneous

mariri9206's comment : Just back out. Tell your mom's friend "I'm sorry but, not only did I not agree to this yet, I'm actually unable to housesit for you right now, unfortunately. Maybe, next time you need a housesitter, we can work out a deal." You have no obligation to housesit for them - you didn't say you'd do it. Your mom did and, until you confirm and agree to, it's not for sure. Also, there's no legal obligation for you to housesit, either, as you'd be getting nothing out of it and for it to be legally binding in any way, it needs to benefit you as well as her.

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Today my date kept offering to drop me off back home because he thought I wasn't enjoying myself at the dance. I wasn't enjoying myself at the dance because he kept asking if I wanted to leave. FML

Today, I showed my grandma my new septum piercing. Her only response was, "I hope it gets infected and your nose falls off." FML

Today, my dog ate my underwear. This is the twenty-seventh pair that he has eaten. FML

by CanadianEH / 11/08/2016 at 6:39pm / Animals

RichardPencil's comment : The next pair will be twenty-ate!

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Today, my husband and I finally had the house to ourselves, so we had unusually loud sex. Banging bed, yelling obscenities, super rowdy, etc. I then see my mother-in-law out the window. She had let herself in, dropped off a bag and apparently ran out. Thanksgiving is going to be weird. FML

by daughter in law / 11/08/2016 at 1:05am / United States / Intimacy

Today, my roommate told me that she was studying in the library. Turns out, she didn't feel like going to the library and just spent all afternoon studying in a friend's room because she didn't think I was capable of shutting up for long enough to get any work done. Our other friends agreed. FML

by shutup shutup shutup don't wanna hear it / 11/07/2016 at 7:43pm / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, after the collapse of the Empire, some Stormtroopers were able to retrain and have successful new careers. Not us, we can't even hit the right notes. FML

On 11/13/2016 at 12:59pm
© DR

Today, I went to the store to buy new blankets and a comforter. A cute guy started chatting with me and asked about the new bedroom decor. I lied and said I just had a major break up and needed new things, instead of admitting I was too lazy to dig out and wash my winter blankets from last year. FML

by Anonymous / 11/07/2016 at 3:13pm / Miscellaneous