Today, I was eating chicken noodle soup for my lunch. It was perfect until the last bite when it went down the wrong pipe. Choking, I coughed up what I'd already eaten. In front of my coworkers, and all over myself. FML

by negativesoup / 11/10/2016 at 1:44pm / Work

Today, I was sitting in the restaurant waiting for my blind date to come. I had sat for an hour until I finally got fed up and went to leave when at the same time the guy at the table next to me stood up to leave too. I noticed he had been sitting alone. Turns out he was my date. FML

by kill the audience / 11/10/2016 at 12:51pm / United States (Delaware) / Love

ThatTallChick508's comment : So... did you guys get dinner or no?

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Today, I was subpoenaed on behalf of my mother-in-law. My husband said if I didn't defend her and consequently lie under oath, our marriage is over. She said, "I can get rid of two problems in one day!" FML

by anonymous / 11/10/2016 at 9:29am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

dblogic's comment : I'd be tempted to testify truthfully and let them throw her in the slammer...or slap with a huge fine...or whatever penalty she's up against. Your husband shouldn't be blackmailing you with your own marriage. WOW.

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Today, I sold cigarettes to a woman who promptly told me that she smoked meth. It's only my second night working this job. FML

by Sunshine56 / 11/09/2016 at 10:11pm / United States (Arkansas) / Work

Today, I accidentally shoved my finger up my cat's butt while trying to push him off my nightstand in the dark. FML

by catbum / 11/09/2016 at 10:54pm / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Animals

Today, after complaining about the clocks still being an hour ahead from daylights savings, my work finally changed the time on all the clocks in the building. Now all the clocks are two hours ahead. FML

by needagoodlaugh / 11/09/2016 at 8:58pm / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, my boyfriend sent me an article about how smelling farts can reduce dementia then added, "You're welcome." FML

by anon / 11/09/2016 at 3:54pm / United States (Maryland) / Health

Today, I got into a car accident that was my fault. The other driver was my professor. FML

by winks / 11/09/2016 at 2:06pm / United States (Nevada) / Transportation

Today, my best friend got jealous that his dog likes me more. He told me I have to spank it whenever it cuddles with me so it will love him more. FML

by Dirtbikesnowboard / 11/09/2016 at 2:00pm / United States (Utah) / Animals

Today, I've actually developed a crush on a guy I never intended to crush on, and also can't have. For one he's married and utterly devoted to his wife. And even if that weren't true, he's so far out of my league I need binoculars to see him. And to top it all of? He's fictional. FML

by HereForJAMMF / 11/09/2016 at 12:50pm / Love

goodread2200's comment : If he's fictional and you are fantasising about him then his wife won't mind.

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Today, I found myself completely naked, tied to a chair with a slice of ham on each breast. Note to self: never again let my boyfriend make one of his fantasies come true. FML

by Paté / 01/04/2010 at 11:52pm / Ukraine

Today, it was the first day of my new job. It was also the last day of my new job. I got a call immediately after finishing my shift to be told the company has "decided to go in a different direction" and will no longer be needing my services. FML

by anonymous / 11/02/2016 at 12:18am / Work

JACKxRAWR's comment about their FML

Today, I received a slip through my door saying that the package I'd ordered couldn't be delivered today because no-one was home to sign for it. I got the slip just in time to watch the guy who put it through my letterbox get in his van, look me in the eye and drive off. FML

by JACKxRAWR / 05/18/2013 at 5:41am / United Kingdom

JACKxRAWR

OP here. The bastard didn't even knock and left the package in a post office the other side of town, even though I live five minutes from a sorting of...
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