Today, I felt so self-conscious about my gut, I pushed it out and pretended I was pregnant rather than sucking it in. FML

by bloated / 11/03/2016 at 10:46pm / Australia (Queensland) / Health

Today, I had to go to work on my day off to suspend someone. Afterwards, I got a call saying I can't suspend the person in question because the supervisor who told me to suspend them was wrong. FML

by chelsay05 / 11/03/2016 at 8:53pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Work

Today, I climbed to the top of the tallest building in my city with this guy I really like. He spotted the girl he had a crush on, and wouldn't shut up about her for the rest of the night. FML

by badatlove / 11/03/2016 at 4:42pm / United States / Love

Today, I almost got hit by a car because the kid in the back who was wearing headphones was paying more attention to the road than the driver. He only just stopped her. FML

by Jelly_Hell / 11/03/2016 at 4:24pm / Transportation

SweetJTBR's comment : Is it just me or does this make no sense at all?

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Today, I was hanging out with this really cute boy that I liked. We were starting to get personal, intimate, and really connecting. That is, until my roommate shouted that his girlfriend had just, "clogged our toilet and shit was overflowing onto the floor." FML

Today, my girlfriend and I had sex. Later, she said the highlight of her day was getting a cupcake from the grocery store. FML

by Wheresthecreamfilling / 11/03/2016 at 2:03am / Intimacy

Today, I needed to cut something open so I asked my roommate to toss me my pocket knife from the counter. Apparently, he heard, "Open the knife then toss me it." FML

by timetraveler1854 / 11/02/2016 at 8:55pm / United States (New York) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I rode my newly-purchased bicycle to Lowe's to look at flooring and back splashes for our upcoming remodel. Upon leaving the store, I found out that my bicycle had been stolen by someone who had bought a hacksaw from that store while I was shopping. They left the receipt to mock me. FML

by HomeImprover / 11/02/2016 at 1:34pm / Transportation

grimreaperjr1232's comment : he's an idiot. The receipts have time stamps. Talk to the staff, identify who bought a hacksaw around that time and done

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Today, I tried to make things less awkward by complimenting my Tai Chi partner's ring and he says, "Thanks, it's a purity ring!" I said, "I used to have one of those. Would you believe me if I said I lost it in a river?" Now my entire Tai Chi class thinks I lost my virginity in a river. FML

by Lizzy / 11/10/2016 at 10:01pm / Intimacy

Welshite's comment : Either way you got wet.

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Today, my parents asked me if my girlfriend of two years and I wanted to go see a musical with them. I haven't told them that she broke up with me the day after she met them. FML

by bob7654 / 11/10/2016 at 9:44pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, my cousin invited me to an event that would be on Saturday night. The first thing I did after she texted me, was ask my mom if I could go. I'm 20. FML

Today, I argued with my dog for ten minutes because she refused to go outside and pee. FML

Today, a friend pointed out to me that I bear a striking resemblance to Anne Frank. I'm a 16-year-old guy, and I'm inclined to agree with him. FML

by Noah / 11/02/2016 at 10:24am / Miscellaneous