Today, for the fifth time since my parents got divorced, my father has decided he doesn't want to pick me up for his weekend because I'm "too responsible to have fun with." FML
Today, my coworkers were bored. To solve this, they taped me to a chair and tried tickling me to death. My boss joined in. FML
Today, I found out that while I see a therapist for my trust issues, my husband sleeps with our nanny. FML
Today, I learned explosive diarrhea is real. I felt it coming and dashed into our local supermarket. Ten feet in, liquid poo started spewing down my pants' legs. 150 feet to go. I ran. It ran. They watched. After 15 minutes of cleaning, I slunk out. Now, I have to find a new supermarket, maybe a new town. FML
Today, I found the list my wife made of the things she was going to give up for Lent. The first one was "Sex with other men". FML
Today, I saw a cute guy and decided to say hi. As I started to think about things to talk about, one story in particular about a drummer who looked like Jesus stuck out in my mind. I was so nervous that instead of saying hi, I blurted out, "Some people look like Jesus!" and took off. FML
wondercat40 tells us more.
wondercat40 28
He just stared blankly at me as I ran off, and that's definitely not a good sign of anything! I see him at my band classes, but I haven't spoken to him since. Thank you for the comments, a lot of them made me laugh. I don't know the where the Jesus drummer's band came from either, it was a local band that I forgot the name of. However, I think it was a Christian band. Oh, the irony.
Today, I was coming home from a much-needed vacation. The time I spent on the plane consisted of kids screaming and throwing tantrums. One of them managed to give me a black eye with a shoe. Their mom pretended to be asleep so I'd have to deal with her kids for her. FML
Today, my family and I were burning our Christmas tree. For a laugh, my dad jokingly pushed me toward the fire. I tripped, and my doctor says the burns are probably going to scar. FML
Today, I had to tell my daughter that just because markers say "washable", it doesn't mean that you can draw all over our newly-painted walls. She's 15. FML
Today, a police car hit my parked vehicle, likely due to icy road conditions. When the officer came over to talk to me, I assumed it was to give me his insurance information. Nope. It was to give me a ticket for "impeding a police officer." My car was in my driveway. FML
Today, my boss slapped me across the face with a raw chicken breast. FML
Today, it became apparent that my father knows more about my boyfriend than I do because he spends so much time interrogating him. FML
Today, I was verbally abused by a customer because her entrée was too fishy. I'm not the chef, just the waiter, and I work at a fish grill. FML
Today, my girlfriend had someone else dump me via text message. I knew it wasn't her because for once I wasn't being viciously insulted, and it wasn't written as if an illiterate baboon had taken a shit all over her keypad. I can't even feel happy about being rid of her. FML
Today, at the grocery store, an elderly woman asked for help with some tea. I lent her a hand, spending a good twenty minutes reading different labels out loud until she found one she liked. After she was done, she handed me a pamphlet and said, "You're a nice girl. I hope you don't go to hell." FML
Today, I came home and noticed that sometime while I was at school, someone had cut off half of my ponytail. FML
Today, at a debate tournament based on domestic abuse, my partner yells out, "Has anyone considered that maybe the women DESERVED to be beaten?" FML
Today, the people fixing my phone called to say that for some reason, my phone's SIM card has wiped all my contacts except for four, and they are doing their best to try and recover the rest. I had to explain to them that I only had four contacts to begin with. The guy laughed. FML
Today, my phone rang for the first time in four days. It was my mom. She dialed the wrong number. FML
Today, I tried to have sex with my boyfriend three times, but every time he insisted that he wasn't in the mood. I left to get food and when I came home, he was masturbating. FML
Today, I was looking over some old notes from high school when I came across a list of things I wanted to accomplish by the time I'm 25. I haven't accomplished a single one. I'm 26. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he likes having sex during my period because it makes him feel like he stabbed a small animal to death. FML
Today, I had an amazing orgasm. So great that the shortness of breath triggered an extreme asthma attack. FML
Today, my boyfriend found out that he has kidney failure. He was feeling sick for a few weeks and I had told him to drink lots of fluids and eat vegetables. Apparently that is really bad for kidney patients. I was killing him with water and spinach salads. FML
Raven3434 tells us more.
Just to put it out there, he had complete kidney failure. He is now on dialysis. His kidneys are toast and he needs a transplant. Apparently it was caused by years of high blood pressure. His kidneys were in trouble before we even met. And I had been encouraging him to go to the doctor. He had seen a few doctors, but nobody diagnosed him until his lungs were full of fluid. He can't drink too much fluid because he can't get rid of it without dialysis. He cant eat too many fruits or vegetables because he can't process out the extra phosphate and potassium. He also has to limit his sodium, but that wasn't part of my original post. Just wanted to clarify things. Thanks to all of you out there who offered support. Its been a really hard time.
Today, I overheard my dad telling my mum that the only way I'm ever going to get into a relationship is if I "pose as a woman and con some gullible bastard online." He's probably right. FML
Today, after my girlfriend telling me for years that she would marry me in a heartbeat, I finally proposed. She said no. FML
Today, after I cleaned out the fridge of things that expired months ago, my roommate got angry and insisted upon pulling all the moldy dairy products out of the garbage and putting them back because "they weren't mine and I shouldn't throw out other people's food." FML
Today, my cab driver told me about the time he tried to commit suicide by driving off a bridge… while we were crossing a river. FML
Today, I woke up to what I thought was my 9 month old son breastfeeding. It was my boyfriend. According to him, he wanted to experience what his mother never gave him as a kid. FML
Today, I found out the guy that my girlfriend introduced as her brother was actually her boyfriend. I also paid for him to come out with us to the movies several times. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thank you, your FML was submitted, and will appear the moderation soon!
