Today, I realized what terrible people my parents are. They divorced because they were having knockdown, dragged out fights over constantly cheating on each other. Now they’re cheating on their current spouses… with each other. My stepparents deserve so much better. FML
Today, a day after I applied for a promising job in a nearby city, I got an e-mail saying they'd like to set up an interview. I was hopeful, right up until the call I got was flagged as "ILLEGAL SCAM" by caller ID and the interviewer, who stated she represented that very company, was plainly calling from India. FML
Today, the guy I’ve been in love with for almost a year, who told me he “wasn’t in the right headspace” for a relationship is actually dating some girl. Every time I try to get close to a guy, they make up excuses. I’m starting to lose faith in love and think I’ll never be good enough for anyone. FML
Today, I fell down my backyard steps at my own housewarming party, ended up breaking my ankle, and am now non-weight bearing for 10 weeks. I'm supposed to start a new job tomorrow, where I'm always on my feet. FML
Today, I saw my brother for the first time since he needed to get half of his foot amputated. When I asked how he was adjusting, he proudly informed me that it hasn’t had any negative effects on his sex life. Not at all what I was referring to, but thanks for the info, I guess. FML
Today, I did laundry with one of my new white sweaters and other light-colored clothes. After it all went through the dryer, I found out there are now dark shades on it and it looks like a years-old old sweater, and can't be cleaned. I didn't even get a chance to put it on once. FML
Today, after my husband bought our son a sword for Xmas, sure enough, I found a stab mark in my living room wallpaper, and the sword now has a bent tip. My son denies everything and my husband claims I’m overreacting by yelling. FML
Today, I attended a family gathering where everyone was taking turns sharing exciting life updates. When it was my turn, I proudly announced that I'd finally mastered the art of adulting... only for my dad to pipe up with, "Makes a change from when you used to wank like a gibbon thinking we couldn't hear you up there." FML
Today, I bought some cheap panties from a local store. They were great, so I ordered two dozen more, from the store’s website. Turns out the size L from the internet is just about the same as the size S from the local store. They told me that I couldn't expect different colors to be the same size. Go figure. FML
Today, it was my one-year anniversary with my girlfriend, but instead of celebrating, we had to attend a family funeral with a bunch of people who "don't agree with our lifestyle." To make matters worse, I received my first ticket on the way there. FML
Today, I was on the bus going to formal for my sorority. I was sitting in the 5th row of the bus when I felt raindrops on my face coming through the open window. I then realized it wasn't raining, but the girl in the 1st row was throwing up out her window and it was coming back in through my window. FML
Today, I told my husband I wanted to make him happy by giving him a baby. He told me either I can make him happy, or I can give him a baby, but I can’t do both. FML
Today, I'm stuck at my future brother-in-law’s Bachelor party. Ten guys I don’t know, who are all younger than me. It turns out two of them have been fucking since High School, and it’s an open secret in their group. I won’t out them, but only cause I don’t care enough to remember names. FML
Today, I have problems with my memory. I asked a teacher if I could let my class know a bit about it. The teacher said I'd already told my class about it. My class had even asked a few questions to me about it. I don't remember anything about it. Maybe it didn't happen and the teacher just lied to me. FML
Today, on a train, I nearly choked while sleeping with my mouth wide open. The little old lady sitting opposite me was entertaining herself by throwing little pieces of balled-up tin foil into my mouth. FML
Today, I went to the store with my mask on, as usual. As I walked past a guy, he reached out and tore the mask off my face, revealing my secret: a pacifier I use to control my horrible anxiety and agoraphobia. I froze, then collapsed to the ground screaming, and had a stress-triggered seizure. FML
Today, my boyfriend, who doesn't have a license, backed up my car in a Taco Bell parking lot. Someone else was also backing up and smashed right into my car. If they ask to see the camera footage, they're going to see he was driving and not me. FML
Today, as a teacher, I saw a younger boy kick an older boy in the crotch and I reported it in our online system. Despite typical consequences for violence (automatic suspension), the department head, a drinking buddy of the boy's parents, gave him only a single detention. Now, the department head is harassing me for reporting the incident. FML
Today, I realized I married a jerk when my husband grounded his daughter for literally a whole year and completely stripped her room down to just a bed and bookshelf and dresser. What did she do? Kissed a boy. When I told him he was going too far, he told me to STFU and that she was his kid. FML
Today, after decades of 24/7 cognitive impairment and being made to feel like a hypochondriac by many doctors over the years, I learned I have a severe physical illness. I kept researching and discovered my own illness, found out which test to ask for, and finally showed doctors proof. FML
Today, I apologized to my mother-in-law for not wanting to be around the family babies while I am struggling with infertility. She responded that that was OK but that I should still really meet my baby nephew, because, "He is the most precious baby ever!" FML
Today, while at my doctor's appointment, all my male doctor did was talk about my weight gain. I tried explaining that I eat healthy and work out, and I’m currently 6 months pregnant with my first child, and have always struggled with body image. It makes me want to develop an eating disorder. FML
Today, I went to urgent care for cloudy vision and eye pain to rule out an infection. They freaked out and pressured me into going to the ER, implying I could lose my vision. Several hours and thousands of dollars later, I just have dry eyes. I hate our healthcare system. FML
Today, I came home to an orgy in my room. It appears that my parents have been renting our house out to porn studios. FML
Today, I had to use my mum's laptop so she told me the password was just my sister's name. I hit a wrong key and misspelled it, so the incorrect password prompt came on screen. The prompt was: "Favourite child?" FML
Today, my husband says money is tight. Apparently, we can’t afford new shoes for our son who is going back to school next week and we barely have food in the pantry and fridge, yet he pays $19.99/month for an OnlyFans subscription. FML
Today, my dad bought a Bible. He's completely illiterate and is basing his religious beliefs off people on TV saying "It's in the Bible." I miss bacon and am tired of explaining to people that he's an idiot. FML
Today, at brunch, my friend asked if anyone wanted to split the bill. I pointed out that I’d only ordered coffee while everyone else got cocktails and meals. Suddenly I was “the cheap friend,” and somehow defending my $4 coffee turned into a group discussion about generosity, capitalism, and personal values. FML
Today, I realized that for 31 years I have been defending our children to their father. Our oldest is 31. FML
Today, after I recently took our kids to a fair and they both turned out to be scared of clowns, and because the fair was my idea, my wife has told me there will be no sex at all until the kids stop having clown-themed nightmares every night. Two weeks so far and god only knows how long still to go. FML
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