Today, after leaving one job, reducing my hours at another, completing all the onboarding requirements for a nursing home, and dealing with serious anxiety, I was told they don’t have hours available for me and don’t know when they will. I got laid off before even starting. FML
Today, a woman accused my husband of being a pedophile because he was at the playground with our daughter alone. To make matters worse, our daughter punched the woman in the face, so now she's pressing charges. FML
Today, it's been five days since I finally made it to my dream vacation destination, after months of planning, saving, and dreaming. I got food poisoning within hours of arriving and I've spent the last five days in my hotel room, staring at a toilet. FML
Today, I saw an employee showing off a picture on his phone. I couldn't quite see what it was and tried to inject myself in to the conversation. "Whatcha got there, a cow?" It wasn't. It was a photo of his wife, posing in her wedding dress for the first time since their wedding day several years and children ago. FML
Today, my mom was going to take me shopping to buy a gift for my dad’s birthday, but unfortunately, I missed a spot while cleaning the kitchen. Now my mom is “embarrassed to be seen with me in public” and will buy my dad nothing, and tell him it’s because I don’t love him. FML
Today, I saw a very pretty girl at the nightclub. She looked at me so I took a sexy pose while drinking, trying to look cool. I put the straw in my nose. FML
Today, I'm being forced to go back to my parents', who kicked me out because they thought I was gay. I'm not. There was a misunderstanding. I don't want to go back to them because they've shown me what kind of people they are, even if I'm straight, but the police and Social Services are making me. FML
Today, I got angry at my computer, and instead of bashing my keyboard with my fists, I bashed my face on the keyboard. It REALLY hurt. FML
Today, I got in my car. When I sat down, I realized a cat had got in the back seat. The cat startled me so I jumped out and slammed the door. Locking myself out. I watched the cat scratch my seats up for an hour. I'm highly allergic to cats. I can't get in my own car without breaking out in hives. FML
Today, after my daughter had a cast on her broken leg for 14 weeks, she got it removed this morning. She was bawling her eyes out because she never realised her leg hair would keep growing under the plaster; 14 weeks worth of growth. She didn’t cry this much back when she broke the leg. FML
Today, even though I was curious about my ex's new fling, I didn't want to do anything that would put them in an uncomfortable situation. Apparently, that changed when I took an Ambien to get some rest, as I woke up to find out that I'd sleep-followed them. They've already followed me back. FML
Today, my husband came to me with a proposition. He asked in all honesty if he could please have a one-time pass to have sex with someone else. He said that she’s a virgin and it’s always been his dream, and something every man deserves in this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. FML
Today, my husband forgot to unload his speargun after his fishing trip. There is now a hole in my ceiling I can see daylight through, and the forecast is for heavy rain tonight. FML
Today, I woke up and did the same thing I do at the start of every day: lie in my bed and stare up at the ceiling for who knows how long, all while contemplating how little I've accomplished in my life. Depression sucks. FML
Today, I let my best friend know how I feel about him, since I have developed feelings for some time. I let it all out, hyperventilating and crying, yet relieved that I finally got it off my chest. He put his hand on my shoulder and said, “I appreciate it and you’re a great friend, but you’re kinda too homely for me.” FML
Today, I found out that my partner doesn't ever want sex from me again. I'm too broke to leave her, so I guess my sex life is over. FML
Today, my wife changed her facebook status from "married" to "widowed". I'm scared. FML
Today, my sister insisted on taking a picture of her plate of pasta “to show her friends what an unworthy family we are”. It was only after she put a candle on her plate that we realized we forgot her birthday. All of us. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in a beautiful park. It would have been perfect if it wasn't for some fat incel recording it on his phone, yelling about how much of a douche my boyfriend is, and how I'm such a "Stacy". FML
Today, my sister will be giving birth to my niece any day now. She repeatedly insists on showing me her heavily pregnant belly. I don't know how to tell her that I find pregnancy bellies repulsive without sounding like a dick. I don't even know why this is. I just don't like them. FML
Today, I felt comfortable enough to finally call my stepmom "Mom." She politely asked me not to call her that. FML
Today, I was finally able to see a dermatologist and figure out why my skin problems are so awful. The good news is that I now have an answer: Hidradenitis suppurativa. The bad news is that it's a permanent condition. It's been making my life miserable since I was fourteen, and it's PERMANENT. Great. Just great. FML
Today, you know that cute video of the girl waking up from anaesthesia, seeing her boyfriend and calling him cute even though she’s drugged up? Yeah, good for him. Meanwhile, my husband just woke up from his surgery all drugged up, looked at me, and said, "Ew, Grandma, I thought you were dead." FML
Today, I'm horribly sick with a stomach bug. My wife insists on yelling for my help every fifteen minutes, saying, "If you want kids, you better get used to this. They don't just go away when you're sick." When she's sick, however, she expects to be treated like a princess. FML
Today, I had to leave my school's JROTC program because my mother doesn't want me in it, and won't pay for my uniforms. The worst part was the conversation with my Master Sergeant, for whom I have the utmost respect for. He told me, "You're a soldier. Keep your head up." I don't think a soldier would be crying as I am now. FML
Today, my sister attempted to get me to fund her daughter, my godchild's, birthday party. I told her I would give her 200 (which isn't much). Our mom "intervened" by cussing me out for being a cheap ass piece of shit. I was about to give her $200, which is A LOT in our currency when exchanged. FML
Today, after yesterday was the second anniversary of my mother’s passing, it’s now my son’s first birthday. To top it off, my job just laid everyone off today too. I had the only income in the family. FML
Today, my wife told me she’s pregnant and we went through the whole range of emotions together, surprise, happiness, tears, anger, acceptance, you name it. An hour later she said she wanted to save the pregnancy test for memories. Guess she forgot her glasses, it very clearly says NOT pregnant. FML
Today, my ultra-Christian neighbor called the cops on me (again). This time, it was because she could smell "weed" coming from my apartment. I was burning sage. FML
Today, my car broke down dead in the middle of the highway. As I was unable to get it out of the road, it was impounded, and my insurance won't help. Now I'm further in debt and struggling to get to work. FML
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