By FML Approved - 26/9/2017 03:00

Subway Surfer on a Mission

You know he's got something important going on...

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Great boyfriend

Insane parents

You snooze, you lose

By loser - 20/5/2018 15:00

Today, I woke up to find my 6-year-old daughter had duct taped me to my bed and dropped my wallet down the toilet. Well played. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3593

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596

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By Oh-Shit! - 10/8/2013 15:23 - United States

Today, while at a private lake, my colon declared a state of evacuation. I ventured as far from my family as my sphincter would allow, only to make eye contact with two very horrified kayakers mid-explosion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47047

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5457

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By lingling - 16/12/2012 00:57 - United States - Germantown

Today, some beefed-up guy wearing a wife-beater sat in my restaurant, took out a big sack of coins, and played My Little Pony songs on the jukebox for 4 hours straight. I couldn't summon the courage to tell him to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27988

You deserved it

5937

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By MacGrouber - 17/3/2011 00:12 - United States

Today, my bird learned to mimic my fire alarm. It proved it to me at 3 am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34733

You deserved it

4693

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me why girls don't have armpit hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32716

You deserved it

6002

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By projectfain - 22/5/2013 12:28 - United States - Akron

Today, I e-mailed the on-line instructor for my job, telling her that I had fallen behind in my work due to my grandmother's passing and the subsequent funeral arrangements, but that I would catch up this week. Her reply? "OK. Hope your grandmother gets better soon." FML

I agree, your life sucks

47782

You deserved it

3181

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By romance sucks. - 18/12/2013 21:20 - United States - Spencer

Today, my class was interrupted by flowers, balloons and chocolates. Then he sang to me a song he wrote himself. This was all for our one-year anniversary. It probably would have been the best day of my life... if I knew who he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50507

You deserved it

3918

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By CandyCrushAddict - 21/9/2013 15:09 - United States - Wilson

Today, while having sex with my wife, my Candy Crush addiction hit me full force, and all I could do was think about possible moves I could make in the level I'm stuck on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26333

You deserved it

50832

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By CutieBooty - 22/2/2011 21:02 - United States

Today, after some passionate love making with my husband, I accidentally farted on his leg. He shrieked and frantically began shaking his leg while screaming, "Get it off! Get it off!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

24241

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35600

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By leonieNL - 12/8/2010 14:50 - Netherlands

Today, I got back from a 3 and a half week trip to South Africa to do volunteer work with children in townships. My parents forgot to pick me up, and I had to sit there by myself and wait for them, while 80 people of the same organization got loving hugs from their proud parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41463

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2019 22:00

Today, I told my boyfriend about a friend-with-benefits that I had before him, and he dumped me because I’m still friends with that person, and I didn’t tell him about him right away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

873

You deserved it

2454

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By asdfjkl - 6/9/2009 17:27 - United States

Today, I had a long, meaningful telephone conversation. After hanging up, I realized I hadn't had such a great conversation in a long time. Who was it with? The Dell Customer Support guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38117

You deserved it

5606

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By Paramedic - 17/11/2009 11:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I was the paramedic at the scene of a car accident. One lady was hurt, and we had trouble getting any information from her as she was sobbing. I radioed in the details and said "...a lady in her mid 30's, ETA 10 minutes." She stopped crying, slapped me, and said, "I'm 28." FML

I agree, your life sucks

41925

You deserved it

4428

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By DWIcop - 3/4/2019 00:00

Today, while leaving our county courthouse after testifying as the arresting officer in multiple DWI cases, I hit a wrong way sign in the court’s parking lot. All the defense attorneys were outside, asking me if I was drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1658

You deserved it

758

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By kukadaman - 15/3/2010 06:19 - United States

Today, I came home to hear my girlfriend break up with me, over the answering machine, with my entire family in the room. FML

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34466

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2368

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2015 02:22 - United States - Purchase

Today, I was having a relaxing "wank", as they might say on Doctor Who, when a large spider descended from its web and came practically eye-to-eye with me. I screamed like a bitch and fell off my bed, pants around my ankles. Then my sister ran in to see what was wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24458

You deserved it

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By lene - 17/2/2009 21:53 - United States

Today, the 9th grade dean called me into his office to talk. He asked me if I was new because it seemed like I was having trouble making friends. I've been going to the same school, with the same people, since kindergarten. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47334

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By Noname - 24/2/2009 22:57 - United States

Today, I asked a very cute fireman for his number "just in case I needed him to come to my rescue"... He told me "Yeah sure!" and scribbled it down. After he walked away I read his note: "911". FML

I agree, your life sucks

20251

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By heartfelt - 2/8/2014 03:23 - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, I was rejected by a company I applied to. When I was writing my application, I spent so much time on their website researching that the ads on my browser are almost all for their products. It's like getting rejected again with every click. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38329

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2012 14:19 - United States

Today, school tuition has taken up so much of my paycheck that the only thing I had to eat for dinner was applesauce. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34620

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2014 15:34 - United States - Waterville

Today, I had to babysit both my neighbor's 3-year-old daughter and my very pregnant cat. I left the room briefly, only to come back to a traumatized 3-year-old crying in horror as my cat gave birth in front of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37431

You deserved it

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By duped - 15/8/2011 05:45 - Pakistan

Today, our cleaning lady's son came to our house claiming that his mother had died of a heart attack. We gave him her entire month's salary as well as some extra money. A few hours later, our cleaning lady turned up for work. Turns out she doesn't have a son. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38264

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2009 20:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to find my garage broken into and my car covered in paint and with the words "F*** you". Why? I broke up with my ex because she cheated on me and stole money off me and my mom. Apparently this wasn't a good enough excuse to break her up with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40239

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By anonymous - 26/6/2012 06:05 - United States - Ridgewood

Today, I slammed my middle finger in a drawer. I screamed and my mom came running into the kitchen. She asked me what was wrong, so without thinking I stuck up my middle finger. She hasn't spoken to me since this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29907

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By ohgosh - 12/10/2009 05:27 - Canada

Today, my son lost his pet rat, Charlie. Whilst vacuuming under my couch, the vacuum suddenly shut off. Something was stuck in it, so I took it apart. Something was inside, so I leaned in closer to get a better look. Bad news? I need a new vacuum. Good news? I found Charlie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33570

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By why - 5/4/2011 15:25 - United States

Today, I learned that my parents' nickname for my fiancé is "dickwad." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2017 04:00

Today, my mom came in to hug me while I was sleeping, or so I thought. I woke up and tried to hug her back, only to find she had wrapped a tape measure around me. She was trying to measure my bust size to win a bet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4731

You deserved it

361

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By fuglyphotographer - 23/10/2011 18:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I uploaded my latest picture onto a photography website. It only got one comment, and even that was from someone advising me to never use the same hideous model ever again. It was a self-portrait. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30087

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By deadhamster - 3/2/2012 18:29 - United States

Today, I woke up to one of my hamsters cannibalizing the other. FML

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42314

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2016 07:32 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend was extremely angry. He found a naked photograph of me online that he thought I'd been sending to other guys. It wasn't me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14915

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By ouch - 5/10/2015 19:20 - United States - Stockton

Today, I cracked my tooth. I was so tired I put my pretzel stick in my tea and took a bite out of my spoon. FML

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23774

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By kelsjenks - 27/7/2011 13:50 - Canada

Today, some ballbag broke into my house just to take my broom. FML

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31592

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2016 06:20 - Australia

Today, I briefly had the coolest boss in the world. He stormed over to a nasty customer who was giving me hell, and he absolutely laid into her. It lasted about 10 seconds before he collapsed from a major heart attack. A coworker's already blamed me for not pacifying the customer in the first place and causing all this to happen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16533

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2016 14:10

Today, I found out all the "work meetings" my husband has been going to wasn't him having an affair after all, but him attending a neo-Nazi group. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20098

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2015 13:24 - United States

Today, while enjoying a truly epic move from my wife in the hotel shower, I managed to accidentally pull the "grab bar" from the wall and clock her in the side of the head. Three stitches at the Urgent Care later, she's explaining to the entire waiting room how it happened. FML

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By Kenton - 15/6/2019 00:14

Today, my older brother called me in the middle of the night to describe to me, in painstaking elaborate detail, the Yamaha commercial he'd just watched. FML

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1482

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By sparkyjaf - 14/5/2015 12:41 - Australia - West Pymble

Today, all of my roommates handed in their vacating notice unexpectedly. They are all moving to a new house together in two weeks, leaving me to be either homeless or forced to pay 4 times what I was paying in rent. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34774

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By tim12345 - 25/7/2011 16:08 - United States

Today, my friends and I rented a party bus, which broke down on the highway 45 minutes into the ride. I paid the guy for the whole four hours. He said he was going to flag down a car to get someone to help us. We saw him get into a car and leave. FML

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By lukey101 - 25/6/2020 17:02

Running commentary

Today, the Snapchat that I was taking of my car being washed, including my commentary like, "Oooh yeah, get into it baby," was replayed loudly through my car via Bluetooth while the workers were inside and all around washing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

457

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By lonethong15 - 8/8/2014 22:53 - United States - Dallas

Today, my boyfriend told me he likes to do things the old-fashioned way, and that he wouldn't propose to me without my father's blessing. My dad died 3 years ago, and he knows it. FML