The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Play that Blink 182 song

Today, I got a text from a number I didn’t recognize that said, "I miss you." Assuming it was my mom and her new phone, I replied, "Miss you too, love you!" Turns out it was my new boss, checking to see if I’d be able to work an extra shift. Even though it was her text that was badly worded, I'm now known as the person who declared her love to the boss. FML

Keep me out of this

Today, I found out I can't go to Los Angeles to visit my grandparents for spring break like I'd planned because my asshole dad got some sort of court order preventing me from leaving the state. He and my mom are in a custody battle over me. FML

Dammit

Today, after a month of planning, I started to tease my boyfriend of 3 years about the wonderful anniversary plans I had made for us. It was a secret, so I let him try and guess. He said, "As long as it's not a spa day. That would suck, I'd never go." It's a spa day. That I've already paid for. FML

Chores? Run!

You can run, but you can't hide...

RIP MIL

Today, my mother-in-law died but my husband still insists that we go on our family spring break vacation. I don't want to because I loved my MIL and our kids are absolutely distraught and don't want to go anymore, plus we would miss the funeral if we went. But he refuses to cancel or postpone. He's being selfish. FML

Devious

Today, I was invited out to a date by my ex-boyfriend. He seemed really excited to reconnect and kept holding my hand and complimenting how I looked. Out of nowhere a girl runs up to him screaming. It was his current girlfriend, he was using me to make her jealous. FML

What is going on?

Today, at my art school, during the class my teacher left the classroom. I stood up from my seat to ask my friend something. When I sat back down, one of my guy classmates was sitting there. I sat on his lap and right at that moment my teacher came back. FML

Kick the bum out, part 2

Today, my fiancé thinks that the only reason I innocently asked him how soon he wants to have kids after we get married is that he thinks I'm racing to beat a friend or family member. Now I can't even be excited about starting a family with this man without having ulterior motives. FML

Today, I was listening to music while I wrapped Christmas presents. All was going well when the music was cut off, literally. I snipped the cable to my very expensive headphones in half. FML

Not likely in 2020

Today, I’m stuck not being able to sleep, because the thought of someone actually caring about me occurred. FML

All over the place

Today, I got into a fender bender on my way to an important meeting. The damage to my car was minimal, but I was so flustered that I ended up getting lost and arrived late to the meeting. To make matters worse, I'd forgotten my notes in the car and had to wing it. Needless to say, the meeting didn't go well. FML

Today, my parents held an intervention for me. Apparently they think I'm turning into a goth. All because they saw me re-lacing my shoes with black shoelaces instead of white ones. FML

From the heart

Today, after agreeing to marry my boyfriend, he started spouting crap about converting to his religion, and how I’d need to take lessons from his mother on how to be a proper wife to him at all times, like, EXCUSE ME, WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE TALKING TO? DUMPED. See ya later, douchebag. FML

Things can only get better

Today, I felt so rejected by my wife that I can't help myself but feel like shit. She has bipolar, is on medication, yet she makes me feel so little that emotionally and physically that I've started to feel like a failure. No intimacy, shitty behaviour, complaining all the time. Man, I wish I could end it all. FML

Today, at work, a crazy customer forced me to promise to take a holiday greeting picture of my cat and myself for her. She says she'll be back and expects one. FML

Today, my family and I were checking into Dubai airport. I had already checked in and was waiting with my brother and sister near a pillar for my parents. I leaned on the pillar and hit my elbow on the fire alarm. A bunch of airport officials ran towards me and asked where the fire was. FML

Drugs

Today, my daughter admitted that she sometimes forgets her own name upon waking. She’s 15. FML

You'll understand when you're older

Today, I was told that the cute rhyming nickname I gave to my daughter’s best friend is actually the name of an adult performer. I feel gross, even though I truly had no idea. Now the girl asks me why I don’t call her that anymore and I don’t know what to tell her. FML

Brainrot

Today, my aunt sent me a Facebook post about how Halloween will fall on Friday the 13th for the first time in 666 years. She wasn’t making a joke, she sincerely believed that it was true. I’m starting to think she’s genuinely intellectually disabled. FML

Today, I let my son take my car out for a spin, since he just got his licence. He didn't make it out of our street before totaling it. FML

Today, I signed up for an online dating service, a couple of days after my divorce. I got my first batch of matches, and number one was a smiling picture of the woman who had just divorced my ass after 20+ years together. Her profile shows she has to have been active there for months. FML

Don't know, don't care

Today, I was in a car accident. When I came home, I told my mom. She just got angry with me, blamed me for it, and didn't even ask if I was OK. FML

No control over my limbs

Today, I was at the gym and I tripped on the treadmill. Not only did I fall off the machine, I also managed to knock over two other people's water bottles and send them flying across the room. FML

Today, a woman somehow managed to drop her wedding ring into the garbage at the fast food place where I work. I had to search through a full bag of half eaten food and soda to find it. FML

Bunch of bankers, the lot of them

Today, I went to deposit a check, only for them to accidentally deduct the whole thing from my account. I didn't notice this until I went to buy groceries, after the bank had closed. I'm in negative numbers and will get an overdraft charge by the time I can get it fixed. FML

Today, I spent ages at CVS waiting for a flu shot. The main cause of holdup was a disagreement between the pharmacist and the insurance company over 4 cents. FML

Don't try this at home

Today, I found out what it feels like to put in a contact while drunk. My eye still hurts. FML

For posterity

Today, it was picture day at my school. After I got home, I realized my shirt was on inside out… and backwards. FML

Sorry guys

Today, I tested positive for Covid. Not only do I feel absolutely miserable, but I was at work all day yesterday, interacting with the public. Also, the day before that, I hung out at a friend's house with a 3-month-old infant. If any one of them get Covid, it's my fault. FML

Better safe than soggy

Today, after thinking I was done with my diarrhea because my last fart was a dry one, I let loose with what was gonna be a good fart. It wasn’t. FML