Chores? Run!

Today, my boyfriend came out of the closet. In the middle of us having sex. FML

Walk on the wild side

Extreme late fees

FML every way you look at it

By Anonymous - 16/3/2020 00:11 - Canada - Toronto

Timing

2175

245

Today, I wanted revenge on my college's drinks machine. For the past two days, it forgot to release a cup before pouring my coffee. This time, I had planned ahead; I put my money in, entered the code, and quickly inserted my own cup. It gave me hot water. FML

By Anonymous - France

53009

6265

Today, I called Pizza Hut to order a pizza. A voice recording was reading me their specials. The man had a horrible country accent so I began to make fun of it. Then I realized it was an actual person on the line. FML

By muzikmaler91 - United States

Pizzzaaaaaaa

7503

49868

Today, my girlfriend and I were being driven home from our date by her mother. She's Jewish and I'm Catholic. Her mother was talking about how my girlfriend was going on a trip to Jerusalem that summer. She finished with "And you can find a nice Jewish boy while you're there." FML

By Not Jewish - United States

60949

4969

Today, I was at a new shopping mall. After an hour, I desperately needed to use the bathroom. Spotting one, I ran inside, locked myself in a cubicle and relieved myself. The toilet paper was out so I knocked on the cubicle beside me to ask for some. A lady's voice answered. She needed some too. FML

By Wrongtoilet - Singapore

35754

5439

Today, my friend came over with brownies as a treat before work. She works in a bakery so I thought it was lovely. After starting work, I became stoned. She thought it was a great prank. I was fired. FML

By sickly

43387

4320

Today, after 8 years in exceptionally difficult veterinarian classes which put me $200,000 in debt, and 7 months of job searching, I finally got a job. I will be inspecting feces for worms while making minimum wage. FML

By dsbass09 - United States

38767

5550

Today, my husband and I told my parents I was pregnant with my first child. The only thing my father did was look at my husband and tell him his pull out game was weak. FML

By wtfdad - United States - Little Silver

40115

4213

Today, the disgruntled ex-boyfriend of a woman who lives three floors down from me slashed her tires for breaking up with him. He also, for good measure, slashed the tires of the person parked to the left and right of her. I was parked to the right of her. FML

By sofked - United States

38562

2174

Today, I had to explain to my teenage daughter that no, the dishwasher didn't make the glasses shrink, I'd bought smaller glasses. FML

By wow - France

35708

6181

Today, I had my first game ever as an ice hockey goalie. Our team didn't have a goalie helmet, so they gave me a regular one which didn't cover me completely. I was worried about it and told my coach, but he said I would be fine. I then took a puck to the throat that sent me to hospital. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Portsmouth

45616

4885

Today, I'm visiting my wife's home country for the first time. To avoid the spicy street food, I bought something labelled "Fruit salad" from a street vendor. I didn't know even Pakistani fruit salad can be very spicy too. FML

By kb123

1814

331

Today, after telling a student that she had to take the online test on the date that I had assigned, she whined to the vice president of the college, who then told my dean that he needed to do something about it. She made me offer testing days on multiple dates. So much for integrity. FML

By das_shizzle - 2/5/2020 05:00

Entitled bitch

1590

206

Today, my girlfriend and I were at the movies. When the "love scene" came on, she leaned over and made out with the wrong man. FML

By a man - United States - Houston

68142

5373

Today, I'm so tired from constantly soothing my crying 2-month-old baby that I've started trying to soothe inanimate objects with baby talk when they make a noise. My fridge stated beeping and I began an involuntary chorus of, 'It's OK darling, shhhhhh, it's alright.' FML

By Babyhazy - Australia - South Yarra

13264

1416

Today, I was walking out of my front door in the town where I intern. I live alone and know no one. As I'm locking the door, I see a golf ball wedged between my mat and step. I notice that there's writing on it so I pick it up to read, "You look hot when you sleep." FML

By emoney - United States

77936

3649

Today, half-way through my trip to Florida, I received a call from my friend of six years. "I sort of had sex with your girlfriend while you were gone." He said it "just sort of happened." FML

By Anonymous - United States - Fort Lauderdale

62916

4577

Today, marks yet another day when I've been threatened to be ruined with the words, "I know people in high places!" and had objects thrown at me at my workplace. I'm a hostess. FML

By DoYourWorst - Canada

Dorsia? On a Friday night?

4664

313

Today, I went to the vending machine, put in a dollar, and reached down to grab my snack. The slot door wouldn't open, so I pushed it harder. I got my hand in, but the door got stuck again, this time with my hand inside. I tried to push with my other hand. It got stuck too. FML

By CandyMachine - United States

29743

9802

Today, my little brother learned to write his name. How did he tell the family? By writing it in permanent marker all over my 100 year old piano. FML

By onemoreruinedthing - United States

36492

2640

Today, while delivering pizza I was yet again given $0.04 over the total bill and told condescendingly to "keep the change". This happens on every shift. My pay is reduced during deliveries, and I drive my own car and use my own gas. For $0.04. FML

By pizzalady

7949

763

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Why? Because I became a vegetarian. Apparently, he doesn't believe in "not eating meat." FML

By Anonymous - 4/4/2020 02:00

Is this dude a puma?

1291

1333

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. She had her whole hand in me kind of deep. It was hitting everything inside me and triggered me to poop a little bit, on her arm and the bed. FML

By Anonymous - 13/1/2021 08:01 - Canada - Toronto

Girls will be girls

647

482

Today, I found out that just because you're drunk, it doesn't make it okay to call your mother-in-law a fat slag. However, it does make it okay for your wife to knee you in the snow globes. FML

By mainlaw - Ireland

7960

47101

Today, I found out why I receive random drug tests at work. The safety department was specifically told by my boss to check up on me because I always seem way too cheerful to not be high. I've passed every single test. FML

By Ineedlotsofwater - United States - Seattle

33598

2711

Today, my boyfriend finally played the new guitar I bought to replace the one he broke. He used a $1000 guitar to play me a moving song about my butt. FML

By ButtWorthSingingBout - United States - Phoenix

28086

5556

Today, our computer system has irretrievably broken down due to viruses. My boss is the one who refused to get new antivirus software, but he’s still blaming me because I’m the computer guy and should be able to protect us from stupidly complicated viruses, "like the hackers in the movies." FML

By Anonymous - 3/8/2020 14:02

Mr. Robot

1537

108

Today, at work, I had to tell a woman that there is no such thing as a "pedigree Beahuahuadoodle", and that she'd essentially paid $500 for a mutt. FML

By dogbreederssuck - United Kingdom - Ormskirk

32386

2844

Today, it's my birthday. I am a triplet. In my first class, everyone sang happy birthday to my sister. Her friends got her balloons too. My other sister's friends got her flowers. Everyone forgot I was their sister and all of my own friends forgot that it was my birthday. FML

By Forgotten Birthday Girl

4844

263

Today, I was chilling out with my friend in a parking lot, when a police officer came up to the vehicle and suspiciously asked what we were up to. My friend sarcastically said, "Uh, doing drugs? Planning a drive-by? Haha!" We soon found ourselves in the back of a cop car. FML

By Cuntface McGee - Romania - Dej

39768

18513

Today, I got to see my fiancé for the first time in 3 months. While we were having sex for the first time, he slipped out and slammed into the back of my vagina, tearing it open. Now I won't stop bleeding, it hurts to pee, and we can't have sex. I won't see him for another 2 months after this. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Tallahassee

4751

440

Today, at my school they were having a carnival to raise money. One of the patrons suggested that if they wanted to make money, they should have people pledge money to make me cover my ugly face with a bag. The school got over $500, and I had to wear a bag. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Danby

33477

2688

Today, I determined that the only reason I still have a membership to my gym is that the special gummy bears they have in the vending machines are amazing. FML

By gmanbuilder - United States - Louisville

5757

1762

Today, I was told I will receive no Christmas or birthday presents for the next 3 years because my parents paid for my rhinoplasty. I needed it because my 12-year-old brother smashed my nose with a hammer in a fit of rage. FML

By LittleFriend

5812

278

Today, I argued with a boy from school over a girl. I didn't know he was a black belt judoka. I'm still in pain. FML

By Pfff - France

23342

8062

Today, I was in a movie when my boyfriend sent out a mass text saying that he'd just lost his virginity. FML

By Anonymous - United States

44266

4244

Today, I pretended to smoke a bread stick that looked like a cigar. It made me feel cool. FML

By CH - United States

12661

41031

Today, I came out as lesbian and introduced my new girlfriend to my family. My mom angrily told me that I should have waited until my grandparents had died before coming out, and that I was "extremely disrespectful" for making this announcement. I honestly thought everyone would be fine with it. FML

By angry - Canada - Scarborough

9719

1110

Today, I asked a guy if I could finally meet his mom after we’ve been exclusive for almost a year now. He goes, "You’re special, but you’re not THAT special." FML

By Anonymous - United States - Buffalo

Thanks.

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