Chores? Run!

Today, I went out for lunch with one of my co-workers. After work, I talked to one of my friends about how unpleasant the lunch was with him. My co-worker was standing behind me listening in the whole time. FML

Understandable

Mind your own beeswax

Toxic parents

By Anonymous - 20/4/2020 17:00

The walls have ears

507

2522

Today, when getting my eyebrows waxed, the lady cursed "oh shit!" under her breath, right after waxing half of my brow off. FML

By blondessdoll - 4/5/2016 17:30 - United States

13709

1087

Today, I was house-hunting online. I was becoming increasingly discouraged and began to look for mini-houses in absurd desperation. I noticed the Google sidebar advertising a cute mini house within my budget. Excited, I clicked on the ad - only to discover it was an ad for a child's playhouse. FML

By Nohouseforme - 7/10/2016 05:38 - United States - Tempe

11412

1402

Today, I found out that the built in lighter in my car does NOT in fact glow red when hot. I now have circles burned into my finger. FML

By My__life___ - 21/5/2014 00:53 - United States - Chicago

34367

29085

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years finally asked me to marry him. He said: We could save taxes if we married.. what do you think? That was the most romantic thing he said to me in the last 2 years. FML

By weddinggirl - 27/8/2010 09:57 - Germany

34322

10011

Today, I went to meet my boyfriend for a walk. It's our anniversary, and I hadn't seen him in over a month because of the quarantine, so we agreed to meet, as long as we had the proper safety gear and were careful. On my way to meet him, I drove past a park. In it were twelve half-naked teenagers playing volleyball. FML

By wtf_are_people_doing - 21/4/2020 23:00

Stay safe, stay home FFS!

1343

293

Today, I woke up seeing my neighbor's 5-year-old daughter next to me. She said good morning and handed me a note from her dad saying that I owe him and he's cashing in. So, I'm babysitting as her parents escape to the Bahamas for 2 weeks. My annual 2 weeks vacation starts today too. FML

By Why Charlie!? WHY!? - 9/8/2018 13:00

3374

354

Today, my manager bailed on me during the afternoon rush; swamped and distracted, I cut off the pad of my thumb in a cheese slicer. Some clinic hours later I returned, hungry and sick with blood loss, to sign WC papers. Manager's only words: "You're staying late to cover your long break, right?" FML

By Sarah - 7/5/2009 04:53 - United States

58737

3020

Today, while showering, I pulled on my white exfoliating gloves ready to wash my face. As I was about to use them, a dark stain caught my eye so I sniffed the mark only to discover it was poo. After further investigation, I find out my younger sister had been wearing them and 'experimenting'. FML

By AshleyP - 4/4/2014 14:17 - United Kingdom

47193

4510

Today, to scare my little brother I dressed up as the killer from the Scream movies. The outfit was a little too long on me, and I ended up falling down the stairs. Not only was he doubled over laughing, but so were the people in the emergency room. FML

By fieldmarshalclitter - 1/12/2012 20:21 - United States

9949

28377

Today, I discovered just how picky my son is. In addition to understandably not eating vegetables, he also doesn’t eat chicken fingers, pizza, or ice cream, along with several other foods I assumed all kids love. FML

By amaze - 25/6/2019 02:30

1494

310

Today, I got into a debate with my boyfriend over whether or not oral sex was considered sex. I stood firm that it was not. Apparently, he took this as permission, as later that night I walked in on him not having sex with my sister. FML

By oops - 15/7/2012 05:34 - United States

38695

44221

Today, I was taking a break in my work truck when I saw a huge swarm of bees flying my way. I have a hand crank window so I started cranking it up as fast as I could and the knob snapped off before it closed and I got stung by the whole swarm before I could get out. FML

By Rekt - 10/11/2016 05:40 - United States - Federal Way

9669

731

Today, I went into work to waitress on a table of 40 guests. They were my only table for the day and the bill came to over 700 dollars. After they left the busser was cleaning the table and threw out the credit card receipt which had my tip on it. FML

By Anonymous - 28/6/2009 18:43 - United States

65563

4076

Today, I started my community service at the dog pound. I like animals so I thought it would be a good place to do it. As I arrived they were throwing dogs that had been euthanized into a dump truck to be taken to a landfill. That was my job for the day. FML

By Anonymous - 21/2/2011 15:15 - United States

46864

5911

Today, I found out I can sneak out of my house... but not back in. FML

By Anonymous - 27/2/2010 12:17 - United States

10577

42509

Today, my dogs freaked out and started getting violent because they thought the sound of my vibrator was the other's growling. FML

By foops - 2/2/2014 21:50 - United Kingdom

45733

11557

Today, I got my phone fixed and the lady who was working on it somehow resent all the old text messages in my outbox. One was to my ex saying "I love you." FML

By Anonymous - 27/1/2011 02:53 - United States

33989

4164

Today, I was waiting for the train. It arrived, I got on and the woman behind me stepped on the back of my shoe. My shoe came flying off and landed in the gutter between the train and the platform. The doors closed, the train pulled away. FML

By Kate - 23/4/2009 14:09 - United States

57677

3190

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a fight about a clogged toilet. He was yelling about not having enough money to buy a better plunger and so I stormed out to buy one myself. While pulling his truck into traffic, a car hit me causing $1000 in damage. FML

By brokeandsad - 3/1/2010 20:21 - United States

26484

9556

Today, I slid into a seat in a very busy foodcourt that was jam packed full of seniors at the mall. It was the only seat available, so I was quick to jump into it. It was soaked with urine. FML

By UGH! - 19/12/2016 18:21 - Canada

7061

835

Today, I tried talking to my boyfriend about our sex life. I was trying to express that I feel like we don't do it enough, but he wasn't very responsive. I ended up saying, "I wish you had a bigger sex drive" to which he answered, "I wish you had bigger boobs." FML

By mairelys - 26/1/2010 06:56 - Canada

24730

10082

Today, I cleaned out my house and placed multiple boxes of clothes and books in my two-seated truck to take to the Goodwill. While turning onto the highway, everything tumbled on top of me, sending me crashing into a guardrail. FML

By Anonymous - 8/10/2012 17:27 - United States - Placentia

20498

8391

Today, I have a job interview after months of struggling to find work. I also woke up with explosive diarrhea and can’t be away from the toilet for more than 10 minutes. FML

By Wow - 23/12/2018 16:00

2498

131

Today, I finally told my roommate, who doesn't pay rent, to go get a job. He left, came back, and immediately went to my refrigerator to eat. I asked him about his job and what his pay is. Apparently, putting together a bike for a kid is a job. FML

By hunterjumper1212 - 24/5/2012 07:41 - United States - San Rafael

22183

2849

Today, while shopping with my father, I had to use the restroom. As soon as I opened the door to the men's room, my father yelled that it was the ladies' room. I then turned around and went through the other door, where I ended up getting bitch-slapped. FML

By wowdadreally - 23/12/2014 20:46 - United States - College Station

31620

6432

Today, my dad asked me to lend him some money to buy his medication, since he's all but broke right now. He returned with nothing but a bottle of tequila. FML

By chiktikka - 14/1/2014 22:06 - United Kingdom

48983

8381

Today, my dad tore my room apart for the second time, looking for drug-making equipment. His reasoning is that I must be dealing drugs, because I'm a chemistry major who likes to watch Breaking Bad. FML

By WaltTheFuckDad - 1/9/2013 23:06 - United States - Salida

49240

3579

Today, it is my twin sisters and my birthday. We both wanted a day at the spa for our birthday. My sister got a gift certificate to the spa, while I got mouthwash and a $20 gift card to Target. My mom said it would cost too much to make me pretty also. FML

By Kensie - 4/3/2009 21:48 - United States

121414

5961

Today, I was unbelievably horny so I sent a kinky text message to a boy I really like, only to receive the reply, "Not tonight, I'm raging Minecraft, having a wank, and going to sleep. Try again tomorrow." FML

By Username - 15/6/2011 01:17 - United Kingdom

42209

15646

Today, I found out my insurance company denied my claim because they had me marked down as "male" and yet also pregnant. I now have to prove to them that I'm actually a woman. FML

By notaman - 11/2/2016 18:12 - United States - Marion

22367

1367

Today, the creepy regular customer found out I was lying about having a boyfriend in order to keep him away. He now thinks this is me playing hard to get. FML

By Itsnotmeitsyou - 11/10/2013 06:09 - Australia

45828

5068

Today I bought the Gold edition to a game for $90. I expected to be very good only to realize it was the same as the previous installment. I went to check the refund policy and it said that I had to have played less than 2 hours, I had 121 minutes. FML

By loser - 10/12/2018 14:00

2434

929

Today, I was with my seven year old daughter purchasing my husband a present for his birthday in a few weeks. At the register, in the very long line, I asked her where we could hide his present so he wouldn't find it, she responded loudly with "Hide it in your room! He never goes in there!" FML

By nosexlife - 12/9/2009 15:31 - United States

36558

4885

Today, I learned that while most people drunk text, I drunk clean. And by drunk clean I mean put my things away where I won't be able to find them, like my car keys. FML

By Anon - 5/12/2015 23:15 - United States - Fayetteville

21231

4079

Today, at age 23, I met my absentee father. He went on about how much he missed me and wanted to know more about me. He then asked if I knew where he could get some good weed, and said he'd share it to make up for all the missed birthdays and Christmases. FML

By joi9496 - 1/1/2018 01:30

5184

392

Today, my husband told me yet again that the last two years have been the worst of his life. Our two year anniversary is next week. FML

By heart broken - 29/12/2014 09:05 - United States

45464

4741

Today, I sat next to an attractive punk/rock guy on a plane. I decided to try to impress by playing music I thought he would like. I clicked The Who and opened a large window with the album cover, so he could see. The track then shuffled, and he was face to with a giant image of Miley Cyrus. FML

By UH-OH - 15/3/2009 04:22 - United States

17681

117284

Today, on our second date, the unemployed guy I'm seeing tried to convince me to open a joint bank account in our name. FML

By back to cock-hunting - 15/11/2014 19:58 - Canada - Burnaby

36958

4992