By Anonymous - 29/9/2020 02:04 - Australia

Online shopping

Today, I was showing my mum how to use eBay. Unfortunately I didn't notice my recent purchase history was on display: a huge black dildo; a jockstrap and a bong amongst them. Of course, she did. FML

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Understandable

Dementia or hate? You decide

Instadrama

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was helping my friend pack her carry on for her vacation. I drove her to the airport, and after her plane took off, I noticed I put my cell phone in her purse. Her vacation is 2 months long. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were asleep. Evidently, he was dreaming about being a UFC fighter, because, out of no where, he grabs the back of my head and punches me in the nose. I haven't been able to breathe right out of my nose all day. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, a customer tried to return some pricey lingerie. She said she didn't have the packaging, but had never worn them. The skidmark I accidentally touched begged to differ. FML

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By Disappointed - United States

Today, at school I pulled my bicep muscle arm wrestling. I lost. He was 14. I'm the 23 year old security guard. FML

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By Anon

Today, I was working on an art commission for some random kid's OC and I didn't notice that I made the nose look like a man's private parts. The mother was upset and spammed my mailbox. FML

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By 635CSi - United States - San Diego

Today, my father-in-law called me an idiot for buying him coffee cake because he can't have caffeine. He refuses to believe that there's as much coffee in coffee cake as there is ham in a hamburger. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, 50,000 copies of the new edition of the town's phone book came out. I manage a pizza place and bought a full menu ad. Apparently the ad designer got confused, as they placed my cell phone number in huge bold letters at the bottom of the ad instead of the store's phone number. FML

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By Ihatemyfamily - United States - Euless

Today, my brother's high school was having a soccer game against mine, and as a sign of good luck, I told him to "break a leg". He broke mine. FML

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By peele - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, a coworker jokingly noted that my signature looks like "Pedo". I couldn't see it that way, so I asked some other people for their opinion. They confessed they'd always thought it looked like "Pedo", but never said anything. My name is Peele. I've been signing it off as Pedo for 10 years. FML

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By gassy - 3/3/2021 21:01 - Australia - Morwell

Stealth bomb

Today, my boyfriend and I were setting up a desktop PC we'd bought second-hand. In the middle of this, he stopped, frowning, sniffed the air a few times and said we'd better give it a good dust, because it smelt like burning. I'd just farted. FML

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By manda - United States

Today, I had to call my mom and tell her about the insurance claim that is going to be coming through in the next couple of weeks. I spent the night in the hospital. I'm allergic to lube. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Papillion

Today, I accidentally sent a nude to my 10-year-old brother. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 02:01 - United States - Great Mills

A new enemy

Today, my cat jumped into my lap and sat on my headphone cord. I tried to get it out from under her by pulling on it. Big mistake. My cat is now eyeing the cord and will attack it if I move it again. I have expensive headphones and the cord is not interchangeable. FML

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By TheDumper - United States - Chandler

Today, and for the last week, I've resorted to driving myself to the nearest corner store to take my daily dump. I'm doing this because I recently moved in with my boyfriend, and I'm afraid he'll be disgusted at how often I clog the toilet. FML

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By BirthdayBoy - United States - Madison

Today, I was uninvited from my own birthday party. FML

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By GTR - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a car. After just ten minutes, my hub caps had been stolen. FML

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By Just Me - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I came out to my mom as a lesbian. She told me that it was impossible, because since she isn't one, she therefore couldn't have given birth to one. She still won't believe me. FML

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By ali grace - United States

Today, I skipped school and stayed home without telling my parents. My mom came home on her lunch break with another man, and had sex in our living room. I'm stuck in my room, listening to my mom cheat on my dad. FML

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By stressedandcrowded - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my sister is going to spend the last two months of her pregancy in my house to be with my mother. She's bringing with her her three wild children. The visit also happens to coincide with my end of year examinations in May and June. FML

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By Connie - United States

Today, I almost missed the bus. I grabbed my backpack and ran out the door. It wasn't until after we got to school that I realized I was still in my slippers. FML

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By Lennie Mcfish - 9/4/2020 14:00

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Today, while at a party, my extremely drunk crush came up to me and told me she had a crush on me. She then wanted to have sex with me while she drunk, but since she was under the influence I didn't. Later, when I told her about it, she say denied the fact that she likes me. FML

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By Louis - South Africa

Today, I decided to be healthy and drink a tall glass of water whilst doing my assignment that is due in three days. I managed to spill the entire glass over my laptop. I flipped it over and used a hairdryer to dry it off. While doing that, I managed to melt my keyboard. FML

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By elevator-troubles - Australia

Today, I was in an elevator with my brother and a woman. He signs to me that she has a 'damn fine ass'. I chuckle and then shake my head. He shrugs. A second later the woman signs to us, 'Rick, don't you remember me?' Turns out she helped teach my brother sign language when he was six. FML

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By loquacious shit stain - Australia

Today, I had drinks at a friend's house before going out to a concert. I still had a bottle of beer left, so I brought it along with me. I got kicked out five minutes into the show for bringing my own drink, which is apparently against the rules. I paid $75 to get kicked out over a $3 drink. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 5 year old son and I went out. As I was looking in the window display of a shop, I turned around to witness my son pooping in an open manhole on the street. FML

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By Michelle - 19/12/2020 08:01

Since when has that been there?

Today, I thought something was wrong with my car battery because my dashboard lights were really low. I paid $77 to find out the dimmer switch was turned down. FML

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By leosmom

Today, I used a glue stick instead of my Carmex lip balm. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, I saw a girl on the subway that I knew so I started waving frantically. She gave me a really weird expression and moved quickly away from me. Then I realised that I only knew her because I had stalked her Facebook once. FML

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By WhoopteeDooDoo - United States

Today, I pulled into the gas station to fill up only to realize I had forgot my wallet. By the time I went home, got it, and came back, the price had gone up eleven cents. FML

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By Gaz47

Today, I was online dating and a girl from high school messaged me. Thinking she might have matured since we're now in our 40's, I messaged back. She then said it was a joke and that I'm still a desperate, pathetic nerd trying to score with the hottest girl in class. FML

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By SunshineX7 - United States - Springfield

Today, I got so self-conscious about weight gain that I got paranoid about how much my Castle Crashers character was eating to heal. FML

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By patronuscat?

Meow!

Today, I woke up in a guy's bed to one of his cats licking my nipples. FML

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By nasuma

Alexa, play "Guess I'm Dumb" by Glen Campbell

Today, I took a legitimate IQ test and got a score of 80. My parents both have IQ scores above Einstein’s. FML

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By inpuredeceit - United States

Today, I finished and turned in the last of the seventeen major projects for the company I work for. As I was walking out of my boss's office, I hear her ask her assistant "She finished everything we didn't want to do, can we fire her now?" FML

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By Mary

Today, my officemate used the telephone beside my desk again. I still can't think of a better way to tell him how awful bad his breath is without the having to do it personally. We've been workmates for a year now and he still hasn't gotten a clue, despite of me covering my nose every time. FML

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By epicsquishii - United States - Riverbank

Today, my boyfriend yet again unsuccessfully tried to hold in uncontrollable giggling every time I moaned or sighed during sex. He's 24. I'm terrified of his reaction should I ever reach an orgasm with him. FML

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By baxeh - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, my cat pissed all over my work clothes. They weren't even on the floor, she knocked the hanger down just so she could use them as a toilet. FML

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By womboman - United States

Today, it started pouring while I was in the middle of a pizza delivery. I had to stand out in the rain for ten minutes while an old redneck dude wearing nothing but camo boxers fumbled around for the exact change to pay the bill. I think seeing his junk was supposed to count as my tip. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, as I kissed my husband after our wedding vows, my mother-in-law muttered "Slut." loudly from the front row. Everyone heard her, but kept smiling and pretended to be oblivious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my doctor's office. I thought I had a kidney stone. Turns out I'm pregnant and I have a kidney stone. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7941489 - Tuesday 29 September 2020 10:59

Looks like her best Christmas ever isn't going to be a surprise anymore.

Oh, well, it's the thought that counts.

By Slim87R | 6

#7941472 - Tuesday 29 September 2020 9:05

And today you learned a valuable lesson.

COMMENTS

By Slim87R | 6

#7941472 - Tuesday 29 September 2020 9:05

And today you learned a valuable lesson.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7941489 - Tuesday 29 September 2020 10:59

Looks like her best Christmas ever isn't going to be a surprise anymore.

Oh, well, it's the thought that counts.

By tabby cat tidbit | 9

#7941815 - Wednesday 30 September 2020 15:39

what were you smoking that you didn't remember THAT!