Online shopping

By Anonymous - 29/09/2020 02:04 - Australia

Today, I was showing my mum how to use eBay. Unfortunately I didn't notice my recent purchase history was on display: a huge black dildo; a jockstrap and a bong amongst them. Of course, she did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 449

You deserved it 1 257

Taking stock

Good kid

Close Zoom, quick sharp

By jitiizer - 19/09/2012 17:02 - Netherlands - Leeuwarden

Today, a stranger called me, saying I look hot in the bra I was wearing. When I hung up, thinking it was a joke, I opened the back door, and saw a man running away from my backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 861

You deserved it 2 302

Cursed FML

By Anonymous - 30/12/2020 11:01

Today, my parents think the only reason I'm gay is because I have a curse that makes me attracted to females and I'm actually straight. At this point, even my older sisters believe it which is crazy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 935

You deserved it 95

By arh - 28/08/2012 00:10 - Australia - Newport

Today, I wore an expensive vintage blazer which I'd purchased at a market in Paris. Turns out my colleague has the exact same one, only hers is from a clearance rack at Target. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 619

You deserved it 8 783

By steph2052 - 13/07/2011 00:51 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I came across the topic of school while chatting. He asked me what high school I went to and where I moved from. I have lived here my whole life, he was my crush for four years, and was in my classes throughout those years. He doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 326

You deserved it 3 935

By life_sucks - 16/01/2010 18:46 - New Zealand

Today, this huge wasp started flying around me. I freaked out and started running from it. Then I slipped, landed face-first in some dog poo, and got stung by the wasp on my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 961

You deserved it 7 498

By nomorebeard - 25/03/2009 14:13 - United States

Today, I was shaving off my beard for the first time in a very long time. I decided to have a little fun with it, and shaved my beard first into a goatee, then a handle-bar, then, finally, into a Hitler mustache. My electric razor dies. I don't have a normal one or an extra battery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 151

You deserved it 87 411

By Jorgina226 - 11/08/2010 16:33 - United States

Today, I found my old sewing machine I got when I was a kid. I never used it before, because when I was younger, I was afraid I might sew my fingers. Laughing at myself, I decided to sew up an old bag. I sewed my thumb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 898

You deserved it 27 021

By marenthehollow - 31/10/2016 00:33 - United States - American Fork

Today, I got yelled at by a customer for saving them money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 477

You deserved it 895

By NeoDepressed - 31/03/2019 12:00 - Czech Republic

Today my parents screamed at me for cutting my wrists. They asked me if i want a therapist. I said idk. Then my mom said "But wait its going to cost a lot of money".. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 153

You deserved it 603

By Anonymous - 05/09/2009 07:22 - United States

Today, while I was at the beach I decided to go into the ocean even though the waves looked rough. While I was in the water, I got caught by the riptide and needed to be saved. The reason I was at the beach? I'm a lifeguard. Now all my co-workers won't stop laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 046

You deserved it 18 027

By oooops - 24/01/2011 19:18 - United States

Today, was my first day at a new job. I was really pleased with how much positive attention I was getting in a mainly male office. Guess whose shirt was see-through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 709

You deserved it 36 213

By Disgruntled - 18/04/2012 07:49 - United States - Jamestown

Today, it's been exactly two years since I got my last raise. And the amount I got still allows me the luxury of being able to afford a Snickers bar every month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 410

You deserved it 2 447

By feelthelove - 02/11/2009 18:08 - United States

Today, I woke up after a night of drinking to find a very gorgeous girl in my bed. Her only words to me were "did anything happen?" When I replied yes she began to cry. Nice to know I was someone's rock bottom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 468

You deserved it 5 556

Play 4′33″ by John Cage

By NonPianoMan - 26/08/2021 16:01

Today, after I'd told this girl I’m seeing that I play piano to impress her, it turns out her father is a pianist and has a grand piano in their house. Tonight, I’m supposed to go to her place to play her my "favorite piece." FML

I agree, your life sucks 162

You deserved it 1 952

For Those About to Rock…

By ljajjanaa - 04/04/2021 11:00

Today, I had to politely request that my floormate not blast heavy metal music at 4 a.m. His response? "It’s the weekend," followed by him slamming the door in my face and turning the music up. I work weekends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 026

You deserved it 84

By coolguy - 06/11/2012 05:15 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I woke up and looked over to see the "beautiful girl" I slept with last night. Turns out it was the obsessive girl from my class with a man-face I had avoided all semester. In conclusion, beer goggles are very real and very powerful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 794

You deserved it 46 617

Open door policy

By Anonymous - 09/03/2021 23:01

Today, my mom yelled at me for not pooping with the bathroom door open like the rest of the family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 111

You deserved it 63

By atmac95 - 27/02/2010 21:28 - United States

Today, I am expected to write an 8 page essay, due tonight. The reason why I don't even have one page yet? My mom decided to take away the only computer I have the essay saved on because I have an 'F' in English. The essay is for English. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 884

You deserved it 7 619

By Anonymous - 02/09/2013 18:22 - United States

Today, I was feeling abnormally self-confident, so I decided to skip putting on any makeup. The first thing my 7-year-old cousin said when she saw me was, "You look like my pet rat!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 563

You deserved it 5 359

Tonight, on Idiots in Cars…

By STOPattheSIGNbitch - 05/04/2020 08:00

Today, a woman in an SUV rolled a stop sign and hit me, resulting in simultaneously twisting my foot in my bike and being knocked into oncoming traffic. Her excuse before I went to the ER? The sun was in her eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 621

You deserved it 128

By I hate that game - 23/11/2013 16:11 - United Kingdom - Wigan

Today, I was playing monopoly with my boyfriend and a few friends. After I bankrupted my boyfriend, he turned to me and said, "I fucked your best friend last night, so who really won?" I turned to the best friend in question, she looked at the board and said, "I'd like to buy a house please." FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 216

You deserved it 4 857

Happy Birthday…

By Anonymous - 14/10/2021 11:00

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend’s birthday is a month before mine. I'd spent my birthday savings on his, but he told me that we couldn’t do anything for mine because, “I didn’t plan or organize better.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 874

You deserved it 109

Social anxiety wins again

By sierra - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, an attractive guy asked me to get coffee with him. My response was, "I don't drink coffee." I turned down the first guy to ask me out in 3 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 804

You deserved it 41 908

By IPicasso - 27/03/2017 00:00

Today, my brother sent me over a dozen screenshots from his phone, because he couldn't work out why it wasn't capturing all the paint he'd managed to smear on the screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 327

You deserved it 262

By Anonymous - 09/06/2019 16:11

Today, my sister and I were sick of living with each other, so we'd decided to go on separate holidays. I get to my hotel, then an hour later she rocks up to the very same hotel to check in. She'd booked her holiday using a magazine she'd stolen from my room, and ended up in the exact same place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 005

You deserved it 262

My husband the shitgibbon

By NotYetThanks - 23/07/2021 00:01

Today, three weeks after a traumatic emergency cesarean section, my husband keeps sulking because sex is the literal last thing I want right now. The fact that my body is still sore and healing is apparently irrelevant when he is horny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 275

You deserved it 106

Cabin fever

By Anonymous - 17/01/2021 14:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, the only thing more unbearable than lockdown is lockdown with sloppy roommates, who do nothing but complain about each other behind their backs to me, and also bring up past events like a broken record. FML

I agree, your life sucks 728

You deserved it 70

By Anonymous - 09/02/2017 16:00 - United States - Lewistown

Today, I am sick of watching my friend's dog while she is on vacation. In four days, this dog has shredded my mattress, peed on my couches, chewed my kitchen chairs, and attacked my dog while she slept. My friend won't answer her phone, but she does update Facebook non-stop. Ten days to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 064

You deserved it 691

Just say no

By Dan - 20/10/2021 02:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 297

You deserved it 825

By mother to be - 04/08/2014 13:20 - United States

Today, while talking to my sister, I explained to her that the reason I hope I end up having a girl is I want my daughter to love me the way I "used" to love my own mother. I didn't mean to say it in the past tense. My sister told my mom. She's planning my baby shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 851

You deserved it 7 025

Big whoops

By Anonymous - 11/11/2013 15:55 - United States

Today, I was at a party with a few of my friends. We saw a guy walking around with bright pink lipstick all over his mouth, so we made a bet to see who could match the lipstick to the girl first. I won. It was my girlfriend's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 509

You deserved it 4 559

By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 19:51 - South Africa

Today, I arrived home to find my cat dead and note saying, "Sorry, I tripped over him." Not only is my cat dead, but I was robbed by a polite thief. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 737

You deserved it 3 098

By nice guys finish last - 20/08/2013 04:01 - United States - Smyrna

Today, a kid in class dropped his paper on the floor. I held on to my desk with one hand and reached for the paper with my other hand. I lost balance and tilted both my chair and desk over, nailing the floor as everything on my desk hit the ground with me. He picked the paper up himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 296

You deserved it 5 640

Hissy fit incoming!

By bad friend - 22/10/2019 05:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Today, my boyfriend’s female "best friend" hates me for absolutely no other reason other than she, "just doesn’t get along with girls." Boyfriend doesn’t see a problem with this, and insists I should just accept it since, "that’s just how she is." Time to throw the whole man away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 824

You deserved it 312

By belladonna1025 - 11/05/2016 18:49 - United States - Mesa

Today, a customer came up to me with a can of ground black pepper and asked me what the ingredients were. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 218

You deserved it 800

By sari14 - 11/02/2010 06:14 - United States

Today, I was standing at the top of the stairs petting my dog. The doorbell rang and my dog bolted down the stairs, tripping me. I fell down the whole flight of stairs backwards. Turns out the person at the door was my brother who had locked himself out. I almost died for no reason. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 098

You deserved it 5 009

STOP SCREAMING

By Anonymous - 30/12/2013 12:10 - Australia - Campbelltown

Today, my 4-year-old daughter figured out how to set a parental code lock on our television so we can't watch football because it scares her when we scream. She won't tell us no matter what we bribe her with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 063

You deserved it 26 973

Fun-filled vacation together!

By Anonymous - 03/12/2020 15:02 - South Africa

Today, I found out my boyfriend can't swim and we are about to go on a romantic holiday to Zanzibar where all our excursions include water-based activities. His solution is that I just go do them all by myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 784

You deserved it 219

You can't win sometimes

By rahhhnnnn - 25/04/2020 02:00

Today, I learned that because I clean everything in my roommate's house and keep the lights low to save energy, and respect him and do things in the proper way I was raised, he and his friends and girlfriend think I’m weird and won’t speak to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 664

You deserved it 240

Delayed proposal

By Anonymous - 18/07/2020 23:02

Today, my girlfriend found the engagement ring I bought and assumed it was a late birthday present. She’s now wearing it on her right hand like a signet ring and she somehow hasn’t figured out it’s a diamond and not a Swarovski. I'm now waiting for her to figure it out before I pop the question. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 647

You deserved it 365

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RichardPencil 30

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Tuesday 29 September 2020 10:59

Looks like her best Christmas ever isn't going to be a surprise anymore. Oh, well, it's the thought that counts.

Slim87R 7

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 September 2020 9:05

And today you learned a valuable lesson.

Comments

Slim87R 7

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 September 2020 9:05

And today you learned a valuable lesson.

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 September 2020 10:59

Looks like her best Christmas ever isn't going to be a surprise anymore. Oh, well, it's the thought that counts.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 537

You deserved it 71

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 166

You deserved it 284