Today, at work, a crazy customer forced me to promise to take...

By not crazy enough - 17/11/2014 18:48 - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, at work, a crazy customer forced me to promise to take a holiday greeting picture of my cat and myself for her. She says she'll be back and expects one. FML

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Animals

Out of it

Does it taste good?

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Weak Disposition - 27/4/2012 04:29 - United States - Roanoke

Today, I entered a hotdog eating contest. I made it up to two, threw up on the rest of them, and fell over. FML

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By 1000dollarspoor - 7/10/2009 09:25 - United States

Today, while working on my laptop, I accidentally spilled a glass of water. I quickly moved my laptop out of the way of the oncoming stream. It fell on the floor and broke. FML

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By Noname - 1/2/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, my little sister and I were reading a book together and out of nowhere, she said "I love you". My heart melted and I told her that I love her too. Then she told me that she was talking to her stuffed animal, not me. FML

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By GodSquad - 26/9/2013 08:06 - United Kingdom - Blackburn

Today, I found out that the girl I've fallen in love with is a "young-earth/dinosaurs-lived-with-humans" crackpot. FML

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By lonely - 23/8/2011 16:49 - United States

Today, my cats found my box of condoms. This is the third one they've chewed up. The worst part? They've gotten more use out of them in the last two months than I have. FML

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By badidea - 23/12/2011 06:42 - United States

Today, someone nearly hit me with their car, so I flipped them the finger. They turned back around and tried to run me over. FML

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By unendowed - 18/3/2012 02:11 - United States - Katy

Time consumed

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go down on me with chewing gum in her mouth. I spent the next hour and a half getting Orbit out of my pubes. FML

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By gross. - 28/4/2013 03:25 - United States - Greenville

Today, my friend made me go on a carnival ride. The whole time, I complained that I was going to puke. I didn't, though. She did, all over me. FML

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By 8sq - 11/6/2011 01:32 - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that yes, a fork can get stuck in your braces. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2013 14:31 - Sweden - Ludvika

Today, I was crying at my desk at work. My colleague tried to cheer me up by saying: "Don't worry, I'm sure you will find a new job soon". I didn't even know I was fired. I was crying because my cat died this morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2013 16:05 - Canada - Neustadt

Today, I went to a dance and saw a really cute guy. Glow sticks were everywhere, so trying to be cute, I took a broken one and dripped some of the glowing liquid on my chest. It made him notice me, but only for him to point out that I'd managed to cut myself and was bleeding badly. FML

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By whatisthisshit - 17/3/2017 00:00

Hellooooo, Social Services?

Today, I spent two hours convincing my 3-year-old son that he can't poop on his 4-month-old brother out of retaliation for the baby pooping on him. He did it anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2009 09:33 - Australia

Today, I got my first tip. It was a Mentos. FML

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By brokeandcardless - 13/1/2016 12:15 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my card got declined at Subway, so I walked to the nearest cashpoint thirty minutes away to frantically figure out how much cash I had in my card. As I went to pull my card out of my purse, it slipped from my grip and fell into the sewer. The guy behind me snorted with laughter. FML

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By forever dog-less - 22/12/2018 04:00

Today, my mom told me to go meet a rescue dog. After doing all my research and emailing shelters left and right, I finally got a call. It went well! Then, my mom told me it would never happen. I'm still expecting several emails from the shelters I contacted, so I get to relive this pain. FML

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By Balls - 27/5/2017 22:00 - Australia - Abbotsford

Today, for my family, my most impressive quality is I can make spaghetti and meatballs. FML

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By WittyMoron - 8/1/2020 01:00 - United Kingdom

Shooting!

Today, I was out shooting pigeons with my brother. I decided to climb a tree to get a better view of where they were flying in from. As I perched on a branch and surveyed the skies, my idiot brother mistook me for a pigeon and shot me in the leg. FML

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By CollegeGrad - 25/4/2009 06:39 - United States

Today, was my graduation from a prestigious university. In two days I start working at a hot dog stand. FML

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By pootie - 11/12/2013 13:14 - United States - Miami

Today, I farted so loud that I woke myself up. And the stranger sitting next to me on the airplane. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2009 06:21 - United States

Today, I paid $60 for a haircut from a professional stylist, only to walk out looking like Spock from Star Trek. The worst part was the stylist asked me, "Hey, are you going to see that new Star Trek movie?" and tried to talk me into watching it. Now, wherever I go, people are giving me the 'live long and prosper' sign. FML

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By kay-z - 21/6/2014 20:32 - United States

Today, my dad heard that the guy who bullied me at school died recently of a drug overdose. For some reason, he thinks we were actually best friends, and thinks I'm doing drugs too. I'm now not allowed out of the house except to go to school. He won't listen to a word I say. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2020 23:00

Pincushion

Today, I accidentally broke a vase. When I was clearing it up, I used my bare hand to sweep up the shards without thinking. I'm still fishing pieces of broken glass out of my hand. FML

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By kiran - 24/10/2009 04:19 - United States

Today, I went to the post office and as I entered the building my car alarm went off. Thinking I'd accidentally pressed the alarm on my keys, I shut it off without looking. When I returned to my car, the passenger window was demolished and my purse with all my money was gone. FML

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By xero_art - 26/6/2009 09:51 - United States

Today, it's my birthday and I received a signed vintage Beatles' album from my wife. Awesome right? It's the same album some jerk way over-bidded me for on eBay. That jerk was my wife, using my credit card. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2018 15:00

Today, I ended up in the hospital due to a severe acid reflux attack. I knew I had acid reflux for years, but was never allowed to get it checked out. Why? My dad told me I was too young to have it and that I was making it up. I now have to see a specialist. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2012 21:10 - United States

Today, I found out that the phone number I switched to, used to host an amateur phone sex hotline. I found this out after getting several calls by teenagers, who sounded as if they were masturbating even as I yelled that they had the wrong number. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2015 07:30 - Canada - Delta

Today, I found out the name on my driver's license is incorrect. I don't know what's worse: the fact the government can't even copy a goddamn name correctly, or that it took me three months to notice, when a cop nearly arrested me for carrying a "fake" license. FML

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By theatreismylife - 27/4/2009 01:14 - United States

Today, I was sitting next to the guy I like and he was doing homework. Then, he looks up, his eyes meeting mine. His smooth voice mutters my name as his face inches closer to mine. I can feel his minty breath against my face. My pulse is racing. Then, he says "What's a pronoun?" FML

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By beta - 8/1/2019 12:00

Today, my date unexpectedly brought her friend to dinner with us. They seemed bored of me after ten minutes and left me out of their conversation for the rest of the night. Oh, and they made me pay for both of them. FML

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By Hairy_Potter - 23/1/2014 17:13 - Brazil - S?o Paulo

Today, I had to accept the fact that I'm going bald, after I noticed the hair on my chest is longer than the hair on my head. FML

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By Ammile - 25/12/2018 04:00

Today I had a customer come into my office smelling like feces, urine and body odor. I tried not to get sick to my stomach but failed miserably. I threw up in my trash can in front of him. It now smells like feces, urine, body odor and vomit in here. FML

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By Cow lover - 12/10/2016 14:13 - United States - Schenectady

Today, my girlfriend of five months told me that she had booked us reservations to our town's Halloween barbecue party. When I reminded her that I'm vegan, she told me she specifically got the reservations to help me to quit my "stupid fad". Weird, I never knew being a devout Hindu was a fad. FML

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By Oops54321 - 28/9/2009 07:12 - France

Today, I was feeling really horny. I decided to send dirty texts to my girlfriend. I sent the first and she didn't reply, so I sent more and more and then I got one back saying 'Stay away from my little girl.' FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2019 18:00

Testimony night

Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love. I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2012 05:30 - United States

Today, in the middle of the store, my daughter pointed at my belly and loudly announced that she was going to have a brother. I'm a man, and apparently I need to lose weight. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 21:35 - United States

Today, I woke up and rolled out of bed. I'm on the top mattress of a bunk bed. We have tile floors. FML

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By abonde29 - 24/5/2018 20:30

Today, I got a text from my cousin saying he's gay. I was thrilled and told him I'm bisexual. He later texted me saying that his friend took his phone and said that. He also told all of our relatives. I accidentally came out to my family. FML

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By bad timing - 3/9/2019 15:01 - United States - Monterey Park

Uncomfortable

Today, at work, my manager accidentally bumped into me, brushing my behind with the back of his hand. He was a bit embarrassed, so I jokingly said, “You could at least buy me dinner first!” He went to HR and told them I made him uncomfortable. I was just trying to lighten the mood. FML

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By Herdad - 30/7/2009 11:34 - United States

Today, my two year old daughter did not want to leave the toy store, when I picked her up she started screaming at the top of her lungs, "YOU'RE NOT MY DADDY!". FML

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By Peelates - 12/3/2017 22:00

Yoga to watch out

Today, I prepared to do my early morning yoga, lowered myself on to the mat then felt a wet patch on my stomach. Turns out my roommate's cat had taken a piss on my orange mat and I'd been too tired to notice. FML

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Top comments

By CallMeWindSock | 24

#6121288 - Monday 17 November 2014 22:44

You've cat to be kitten me

By tigerborn69 | 18

#6121294 - Monday 17 November 2014 22:46

she wants that pussy

COMMENTS

By CallMeWindSock | 24

#6121288 - Monday 17 November 2014 22:44

You've cat to be kitten me

adrian1910 | 15

#6121302 - Monday 17 November 2014 22:48

What a CATastrophe

hunteredmundson | 17

#6121329 - Monday 17 November 2014 23:15

You've cat to be kitten me right meow

Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6121386 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 0:11

I don't think that customer was feline well mentally.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6121405 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 0:37

Keyword search: cat

em_the_g | 12

#6121534 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 4:14

To it's you got to be kitten me right meow

cdawg69 | 10

#6121654 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 6:36

solid..

grimpeeper | 13

#6122506 - Wednesday 19 November 2014 3:27

Cat you think of any more puns right meow? These puns are making me claw-strophobic, I'm surrounded by these cat-astrophic puns

By Despereaux | 15

#6121289 - Monday 17 November 2014 22:45

Did you know her beforehand? Or was it some random person? Either way, fyl, op.

Sakuraashita | 15

#6121918 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 15:00

They must have already known each other since she knew OP has a cat.

By ajh557 | 22

#6121292 - Monday 17 November 2014 22:46

That's catastrophic.

kaablam | 17

#6121996 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 17:19

Sounds more like opportunity for an awesome holiday card to me!

-crazy customer

By tigerborn69 | 18

#6121294 - Monday 17 November 2014 22:46

she wants that pussy

By danis_fml | 12

#6121296 - Monday 17 November 2014 22:47

You should feel flattered lol

VolcanoTheDragon | 20

#6121345 - Monday 17 November 2014 23:37

So thats how you would feel if someone you didn't know came up to you and demanded a card with a picture of your face on it?

theawkwardlife | 21

#6121478 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 2:49

They could get greeting cards of beautiful nature sceneries, famous historical landmarks or beach booty, but instead they want my face? Hell ya, wouldn't you?