Today, it's my 18th birthday. My parents got me a $5 gift certificate...

This is a Nearly FML. It’s an FML, nearly. It got positive votes from the users, by wasn’t approved by our team.

By happybirthday - 24/3/2013 21:15 - United States

Today, it's my 18th birthday. My parents got me a $5 gift certificate to iTunes. It came for free with the iPhone they just bought my sister for her middle school graduation. FML

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Miscellaneous

Proactive

Understandable

Tidy your room

By Savannah - 7/2/2017 10:00 - United States - Spring Hill

Today, I went to the doctor for a suspicious lump under my armpit, so he suggested a breast examination. While pressing all over them he said : "We're gonna have to send you for an X-ray because you have the most lumpy breasts I've ever felt in my life." FML

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By scared shitless - 10/12/2013 09:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job as a night janitor, at which I work alone, I saw an old man enter a bathroom. When I went to investigate, it was completely empty. I'm now scared to work. FML

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By teachingsucks - 14/3/2010 18:29 - United States

Today, after a horrible day at school, I went through the McDonald's drive thru for an ice cream cone. Everything went well until I had to pull a sharp turn. The ice cream is now no longer on the cone, but instead all over my hands, face, steering wheel, and the carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2020 17:01

Getting on

Today, I’m at the stage of my life where a normal bowel movement is practically a cause for celebration. FML

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By poop - 8/3/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, I woke up at my grandparents house since my mom was out of town, still half asleep i went to brush my teeth. Mid brush my mouth started getting numb I looked again at the tooth paste I used..turns out it was my grandpa's anti-itch anal cream. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2013 03:08 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I found out that the lump in my wrist that keeps getting inflamed and sore is caused by sketching and using my laptop too much. Good thing I'm in my fourth year of studying to become a designer. FML

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By craZycatLady - 20/4/2015 18:06 - United States - Mission

Today, while spring cleaning, my cat came into the kitchen with a live mouse in her mouth. She looked me dead in the eyes and dropped the mouse, which then ran into my bedroom. It's been 4 hours and I still can't find it. Where's the cat? Chilling like nothing happened. FML

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By uterus why - 1/2/2019 16:00

Today, I have realised that since I get laid so infrequently, every time I have sex now, it kickstarts my period. FML

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By AFH2O - 14/7/2014 23:04 - United States - Visalia

Today, I got chewed out by a parent for putting her kid underwater. I teach swim lessons. FML

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By silent one - 12/9/2011 05:30 - United States

Today, I had to stifle a fart so my upstairs neighbors wouldn't hear it. I know this because I frequently hear theirs. FML

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By katiebell - 4/10/2019 12:00

Crossed purposes

Today, while I was walking home, a homeless man saw me and didn't ask for change, but how much I charged. FML

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By wtfisthisworldcomingto - 25/4/2011 12:11

Today, I was mugged. The guy mugging me was eating a banana. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2011 18:03 - United States

Today, whenever I do something that the kid I am babysitting likes, he pats me on the head and says "good girl". I'm whipped by a seven year old. FML

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By a.baybay - 7/1/2010 06:03 - United States

Today, I noticed that my long distance boyfriend of almost four months only calls me to have phone sex. FML

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By NeverGonnaGetAny - 23/2/2009 19:28 - United States

Today, I was discussing sex with my guy friends in their dorm when I asked one of them what he would do if I got naked and crawled into his bed. He replied, "Nothing. You're one of the guys now." They all agreed. FML

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By Jeff - 12/6/2019 14:00

Today, I found out that women have another hole that they pee out of. I'm 37. FML

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By rutho - 27/3/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I decided to cheat on my math test by writing a couple of equations on my hand. Totally satisfied, I handed my test in feeling like I had aced it. As I was heading toward the door, I happily waved goodbye to my teacher. She saw everything. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2012 18:29 - United States - Monson

Today, I started my new job as the only IT tech for my office. My first task: untangling the hundred mice the previous tech tied together for "fun". FML

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By fml9124 - 21/12/2019 05:00

New urinal

Today, my wife caught our six-year-old son peeing in the bathroom sink. He pulled his little stool up in front, that he uses to brush his teeth, and was peeing in the sink. When we asked why, he said that he wanted to pee like a man, "like we do at football games." My son is using our bathroom sink like a urinal. FML

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By Beepbeepbeep - 1/9/2011 02:50 - United States

Today, I lost power. That didn't stop my house alarm from running on battery, loudly informing me in a British accent, "AC power disconnected. BEEP. AC power disconnected. BEEP." It's been going on for 5 hours and the battery takes a special screwdriver to remove. One we don't have. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, while on a vacation, I tried to step out of myself and flirt with this boy who I thought was cute. He was going along with it and nodding so I thought it was working. Then he opened his mouth and I realized he didn't speak English. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2008 08:28

Today, during the trailers at the movies, my boyfriend elbowed me in the ribs and smiled when an ad for a weight loss institute was shown. FML

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By louise - 5/1/2012 19:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on Skype with the guy I like. After a while of being on Facebook I forgot I was on webcam to him and started picking my nose. He ended the call. FML

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By ThatWasntFun - 29/1/2015 21:00 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I went to have a pre-cancerous mole removed off of my nose. When the doctor numbed my nose, she didn't check to see if the anesthetic actually worked, and began hacking away at my nose, leaving me to feel every last flick of the razor. Turns out I have an immunity to that anesthetic. FML

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By wellthisisbad - 29/2/2016 12:27 - United States - Boynton Beach

Today, I learned that not only am I pregnant, I'm too far along for an abortion. My husband and I originally bonded over the fact that we both hate children. FML

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By ellisp1 - 4/7/2017 22:10

Today, my family was going to go out on a boat to celebrate Independence Day. We agreed we'd be at the marina by 11:45 AM. It's currently 1:45 PM and half of the family is still asleep while two are nursing hangovers. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2012 05:42 - United States

Today, my husband and I were about to have sex. As soon as I got on top, he started speaking in a robot voice, then demanded that I call him "the Fuckinator." FML

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By akosirm - 25/9/2012 02:28 - Philippines

Today, I was going to a big concert at my university. I paid around a hundred twenty bucks for my ticket. Outside the venue, people were handing out the tickets. For free. FML

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By Forever Alone x2 - 7/1/2012 19:47 - United States

Today, I found out that the only two people I've had feelings for in years are both dating each other. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2009 01:29 - United States

Today, I planned a surprise birthday party for my boyfriend. I invited all his friend and made all his favorite food. He was running very late, so I called to ask what was taking so long. His response? He said he was at his house, with the very friends I was standing next to. FML

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By ProsserBabe11 - 15/4/2012 02:21 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my brother why he can't go on dates with my new boyfriend and me. FML

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By GuitarChick42 - 4/4/2009 18:15 - United States

Today, I thought I heard my little sister playing on my brand new grand piano. Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her. My parents were having sex. On my piano. FML

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By proudestmonkey - 24/3/2009 05:44 - United States

Today, I had my car stolen. When the police found it, pretty much everything inside was missing. For some reason, I had left 6 pairs of shoes in my back seat. Whoever stole my car thought it would be funny to take one shoe from each pair. I now own 6 unmatched shoes and my car smells like sex. FML

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By Sylvania - 10/6/2009 23:07 - United States

Today, I was playing a medieval game with my brother, when he took all of his character's clothes off and said, "Let's have sex!" I looked at him and said, "UH YOU ARE MY BROTHER!" He turns and looks at me, smiling and says, "But not in the game!" I am a 19 year old girl. He is 12. FML

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By amy - 30/6/2018 19:00

Today, it's my birthday. I went downstairs expecting birthday greetings from my parents. Instead, they just sat on the couch saying nothing. Thinking they forgot, I casually reminded them. My mom scoffed and said, "Go do the dishes." FML

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By idontunderstand - 7/5/2018 19:00

Today, my father has been unemployed for 8 of my parents' 25 years of marriage, and my mom still supports him. I've been unemployed for three months and my mom is kicking me out. The difference is, I'm actually applying places. He just plays video games. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 06:37 - Australia

Today, I discovered the top I'm wearing becomes completely see-through when it rains. I just got caught in a storm on my lunch break, and still have 3 hours of work to go in my male dominated office. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2017 22:00

Today, at my engagement party, I overheard my future father-in-law saying he was happy his son was marrying "the dumb, pretty one" because all the "smart ones" he dated at university were "nerds with small tits." FML

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By no tea parties here, gran - 11/4/2013 17:16 - United States

Today, my racist, homophobic, generally degenerate grandmother visited. Within 20 minutes, she uttered multiple racial slurs, said Robert Downey Jr. will burn in hell for playing a black man in one of his movies, and yelled that she'd "whip the piss" out of me, after I asked her to leave. FML

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By Ineedjustice03 - 25/3/2011 11:55 - Singapore

Today, I had to dig into my savings to help my parents pay for their divorce. FML

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Top comments

By reras89 | 0

#56393 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:03

That sucks. Guess we know who the favorite is.

By Serial | 2

#56391 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:02

be nice and use that 5 dollars for a couple songs for your sister

COMMENTS

By Serial | 2

#56391 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:02

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Sunbolt | 0

#822462 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 21:15

that what her parents told her

responses | 0

#845513 - Thursday 11 February 2010 20:24

that's just plain dumb. I've met kids who can barely speak English and they graduated middle school. FYL

Piggilywiggily15 | 0

#906674 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 5:31

BS!! I bought an IPhone and didn't get $5 gift card...

FMLrockzdude | 0

#972257 - Wednesday 31 March 2010 22:45

so shut up and make me a sammich!!!

CanadianHuney | 0

#973051 - Friday 2 April 2010 16:17

wtf! are you kidding? give some of the 5$ to your sister???? don't she got a fucking iPhone! she doesn't need that

missmarie97 | 0

#1033141 - Thursday 17 June 2010 3:36

fyl:/

Pebaroo | 4

#1046947 - Monday 28 June 2010 12:21

hmmm that 5 bucks wont even get you shazam

r_K3LY_pisN_0N_u | 0

#1065849 - Monday 5 July 2010 22:38

That's a sign for get the hell out you bum.

obscenememe | 0

#1074022 - Thursday 8 July 2010 10:33

Sarcasm, fuckwit.

peedxdxdx | 0

#1121777 - Thursday 22 July 2010 3:51

they should of gotten u a shamwow

thatguy888 | 0

#1138462 - Sunday 25 July 2010 18:30

you should beat her and then break her iPhone.

lovesbandk09 | 0

#1147630 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 10:08

love it I wld totally b my plan.

ChelseaXD | 0

#1239922 - Saturday 14 August 2010 9:14

fyl:/
your sister got a middle school graduation present and an iPhone at that? wth?!

X18GirlX | 0

#1274903 - Friday 20 August 2010 11:05

Living until 18 is easy

woofis | 0

#1311091 - Saturday 28 August 2010 6:18

I wish I got a 5$ certificate for my iPhone... steal ur sisters.

_football4life_ | 0

#1337275 - Thursday 2 September 2010 5:09

he probly already has an iPhone cuz don't u have to have one to get fml's

ilikeslushies | 0

#1588666 - Saturday 23 October 2010 5:51

on the bright side, when you finally get smart enough to graduate middle school, you can have an iPhone too!

D3ADKi113R | 0

#1620630 - Friday 29 October 2010 12:13

FTW

hotscar | 3

#2406869 - Tuesday 26 April 2011 3:57

366, are you retarded? fmylife.com...

iownyou777 | 0

#2599919 - Wednesday 1 June 2011 15:42

313 are you a dumbass of course it's a joke

Deservesit22 | 1

#2726090 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 0:02

Jackass, you got to be 18 for this

hntr612 | 3

#2788147 - Thursday 30 June 2011 0:28

you are soooooo jacked up

auroracc99 | 0

#2829743 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 9:08

36-...... it's a web site.... started out as one, then became an app AND a website.......

mcasa24 | 0

#2918384 - Monday 18 July 2011 4:37

huh guess I'm not the only one

chriskiss | 2

#3107269 - Sunday 14 August 2011 14:13

LOL @Steve Jobs
5 bucks cant even buy 5 songs xD

hemminge90 | 0

#3132393 - Thursday 18 August 2011 9:10

Fmylife.com

By reras89 | 0

#56393 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:03

That sucks. Guess we know who the favorite is.

someone2me2 | 1

#971007 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 11:16

Steal it

yuhhkno | 0

#1054686 - Friday 2 July 2010 16:14

it shoulda been the other way around no doubt thts bs!!

RADARoh | 0

#2597740 - Wednesday 1 June 2011 4:27

Um, excuse me for asking this, but what the eff you do, screw the pooch? Maybe the warden told them you aren't allowed to have any property over $ 5 in your cell.