By Lunar-Spice - 7/11/2020 08:01

Don't try this at home

Today, I found out what it feels like to put in a contact while drunk. My eye still hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

238

You deserved it

701

Favorite

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Thanks for the miracle

Not now, mom!

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She came over to see me one last time. We hugged for minutes and cried; it was a touching moment. Just after she left, I realized my wallet that I had on the table beside us was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40499

You deserved it

4832

Favorite

By Coyote

Today, a couple of friends and I went camping in a national park. When we got there, a ranger came up to us and said, "There have been many sightings of coyotes, don't worry, if they charge you, they'll bluff and flee at the last moment." We met a coyote, it didn't bluff. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1732

You deserved it

154

Favorite

By antisocial - Canada

Today, I told my parents that I wasn't feeling very social and up for company. How do they try to make me feel better? By inviting a whole bunch of people I don't know to a pool party at my house. They said I should face my fears. I'm now in my room, hiding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31873

You deserved it

9117

Favorite

By NotaDTfan

Today, my elderly neighbor came crying to me about the horrible thing someone had done outside. I hurried out to find a big pile of dog shit with the head of Donald Trump stuck into it. I had to fake a coughing fit so she wouldn't realize I was laughing. I'm not sure I got away with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4841

You deserved it

807

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Blythe

Today, a woman accused me of bullying her son, and said that she is going to get me fired. Her son is a 27-year-old teacher at my school, whom I disciplined for showing up drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49211

You deserved it

2644

Favorite

By klaatu barada nikto - United States - Des Moines

Today, at the soup kitchen I volunteer at, a guy called the food crap and threatened to shove his bowl up my ass if I didn't give him something better. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33132

You deserved it

2674

Favorite

By BrakesNotBumpers - United States - Reading

Today, I was rear-ended. While I was yelling, "WHAT THE F..." the lady who hit me completely freaked out and drove into me again. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28906

You deserved it

2397

Favorite

By princess - United States - San Francisco

Today, my 3 year old daughter's Halloween costume finally got delivered. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25905

You deserved it

2069

Favorite

By AnnoyedWoman - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I went camping with my husband not too far from our house. We got our tent pitched up, stove ready and roll-out bed out. He then said, "I'm just gonna go for a walk." It had been about an hour before I decided to go find him. He had walked home to play CoD. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49317

You deserved it

5569

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Breaux Bridge

Today, I had my performance review at work. Under the "oral communication" category my boss wrote that I "act like an asshole." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28350

You deserved it

5965

Favorite

By LittleArtist - United States - Bessemer

Today, after 3 weeks of hard work, I finally finished painting my room. Apparently my 6-year-old brother thought I wasn't done and that he should help me out. I now have little red handprints all over my white walls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40225

You deserved it

5229

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my friend's 11 year old son accidentally shocked himself with our electric fly swatter. Thirty seconds later, while trying to prove to him that it's physically impossible to shock yourself with it, and that it's perfectly safe, I did the exact same thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7760

You deserved it

54329

Favorite

By Anonymous - 17/3/2020 14:00 - United States - Charlottesville

Smash the patriarchy!

Today, I was wrestling with my boyfriend, trying to prove to him that I was stronger. I did. He started crying. He then broke up with me because he couldn't be in a relationship in which his girlfriend was stronger than him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1737

You deserved it

414

Favorite

By emancipate me - United States - Knoxville

Today, my mom was in a really bad mood, so I stayed in my room to avoid her. It didn't take long before she barged in and started bitching about my dog, who'd pissed her off by acting too happy. Yes, she's actually that insane, and I have to deal with it on a daily basis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14102

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1459

Favorite

By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 05:02 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Can you hear me, Dave?

Today, my dad started Skype-ing with his long-distance friend. They’re both almost 90, barely have their hearing, and can't stop shouting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1005

You deserved it

168

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Astoria

Today, my fiancé and I broke up, and he won't answer my calls or texts. I don't want him back; he has my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33044

You deserved it

3477

Favorite

By SadDaenerys

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me because I finished the Game of Thrones books before he could finish the TV show. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13337

You deserved it

1377

Favorite

By fuckmyliiiiiiife - United States

Today, I woke up with the worst cold, ever. My nose was running like crazy and my eyes were all puffy. So I stumbled over to the medicine cabinet and took what I thought were three tylenol cold's. Two hours later I'm still sick and I can't leave the bathroom. They were laxatives. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44332

You deserved it

25891

Favorite

By HappyMan - United States - Corpus Christi

Today, my mom thought I was flying high on weed and nearly grounded me for it. I wasn't high, I was just actually in a good mood for the first time in a few weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29018

You deserved it

2306

Favorite

By Lola

Today, my boyfriend bought us three kittens. Today, I also discovered that I am allergic to cats. My boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted the cats more than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32688

You deserved it

4313

Favorite

By his word vs mine = me suspended - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, I was carrying a stack of paperwork at work, when my pen rolled off and onto the floor. As soon as I bent down to pick it up, a nearby co-worker, who's always hated me, accused me of putting on a show and sexually harassing him. He actually followed up by reporting me to HR. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46871

You deserved it

3062

Favorite

By bitchsawmebuyit - United States - Yorktown Heights

Today, I realized the dress I bought yesterday still had the security tag on. I returned to the store to get it removed, only to realize my receipt was misplaced. The lady at the counter thought I stole it, called security, and had me escorted out, dress-less. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32161

You deserved it

4540

Favorite

By Yum - France

Today, I realised that the steamy photos that I took with my ex a few months ago had not been erased from his father's camera. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27844

You deserved it

19080

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hull

Today, after trying for months for a baby, I finally got a positive test. For chlamydia. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22451

You deserved it

3274

Favorite

By TheFlash - United States

Today, I was down at Disney World. Me and my buddy decided to take our pictures in a photobooth. While in the tiny space, I thought it'd be funny to flash the camera. A women barged in as soon as I did so, screaming "You know there's an outside video feed, right!?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

12350

You deserved it

65380

Favorite

By ruined_suit - United States

Today, I came home from work to find that my neighbor's trash bins are still on the curb. While returning the bins to her backyard, her kid runs out and shoots me with a paintball gun. Multiple times. He thought I was a burglar and he ruined my new suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57830

You deserved it

7066

Favorite

By Jaybird1587 - United States

Today, I was just about to get in the shower, when I heard a loud crunch. I thought to myself, boy the neighbours next door must be doing some heavy construction. Two seconds after that thought, my brother knocked on the door to inform me that the neighbours tree had just fallen on my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50900

You deserved it

2478

Favorite

By Betty - United States

Today, I went in for a doctors appointment. When I got on the scale, I was really excited to see that I'd lost ten pounds since the last time I weighed myself at the gym. The doctor then severely lectured me on the fact that I had gained twenty since my visit last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26389

You deserved it

9245

Favorite

By broooooock - United States

Today, it dawned on me that I've been married for 6 months, but because of the Army I've spent only around 12 days total with my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks

79482

You deserved it

13357

Favorite

By bf - Canada - London

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. Dinner was going well until her dad secretly fed the asparagus to the dog under the table, and then "discovered" what a childish thing I had done. My girlfriend believed him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43087

You deserved it

2982

Favorite

By Michelle - United States

Today, I turned on my boyfriend's computer and saw pictures of all of my credit cards, front and back, and several of my parent's credit cards. I looked in his e-mail and found receipts for items which had been billed to me and delivered to him, including golf clubs and my birthday gift. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61884

You deserved it

6446

Favorite

By joolsie - United Kingdom - York

Today, a guy asked me why I'm single. As a joke, I told him that not only do I have a penis, but that it's so large that most men are intimidated by it. He wasn't impressed. And I actually wonder why I'm single. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13206

You deserved it

31824

Favorite

By idiot says pussy - United States

Today, I visited my girlfriend at her place, one thing lead to another, and we had sex for the first time. Her normally very sweet cat now hisses and savages me if I so much as look at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49238

You deserved it

7857

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend got mugged. I found out because the mugger had the courtesy to ring me, after I texted several times asking where he was, to say "He won't reply. He got robbed." FML

I agree, your life sucks

35271

You deserved it

3116

Favorite

By omfgwhywhywhy - 22/3/2020 19:18 - United States

Deliverude

Today, I had to take a delivery to a known hoarder. I was braced for the sight of the house, but not the naked fat guy and the smell of dead cat when he answered the door. To top it off, they didn't even tip me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1626

You deserved it

111

Favorite

By unlucky - United States - Wheeling

Today, I came home from a four month stay in Africa, where I managed to avoid suffering any serious illness. Some hours after my first meal back at home, I got food poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46723

You deserved it

3852

Favorite

By UTRejected - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was selling winter-themed cookies at my university. I cheerfully asked a girl if she would like to buy cookies to support peer tutoring. Her response? "I don't eat food." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34569

You deserved it

3830

Favorite

By Anonymous - Finland - Vammala

Today, my girlfriend called me and said she needs to take a break from our relationship. Why? Her really clingy ex is really depressed about her dating someone else and he isn't ready to accept it. So she wants to take a break "for his sake" until he's over her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27846

You deserved it

2337

Favorite

By l0stnwundrland - United States

Today, I went to the eye doctor. For the past three days every time I wear my glasses I become nauseous, get migraines, and have that "fish-eye view" where everything is rounded. Turns out they placed my lenses on the wrong sides. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30704

You deserved it

3032

Favorite

By pleasestop - Australia

Today, I woke up with bowel problems which have been causing me to violently pass wind every couple of minutes. I have to spend the next two hours sitting an exam in dead silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39090

You deserved it

3375

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7950338 - Saturday 7 November 2020 9:31

This gives you an opportunity to wear a cool eyepatch. You can look like a sexy pirate instead of a clumsy drunk.

By power_in_the_now | 19

#7951515 - Thursday 12 November 2020 21:18

This here might be one of the many reasons that your roommate is asking you to get help for addiction

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7950338 - Saturday 7 November 2020 9:31

This gives you an opportunity to wear a cool eyepatch. You can look like a sexy pirate instead of a clumsy drunk.

By power_in_the_now | 19

#7951515 - Thursday 12 November 2020 21:18

This here might be one of the many reasons that your roommate is asking you to get help for addiction