By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 17:01 - United States

Kick the bum out, part 2

Today, my fiancé thinks that the only reason I innocently asked him how soon he wants to have kids after we get married is that he thinks I'm racing to beat a friend or family member. Now I can't even be excited about starting a family with this man without having ulterior motives. FML
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By  Chazzster  |  20

OP, Having children or not and when to have them is a big deal issue. I will speak honestly on the subject. Sometimes men may overreact to the subject because they represent a big financial and emotional cost and may even come to crowd out their wives affection for them. And some women get married mostly because they want children and a family whereas the affection for their husband is actually a secondary matter. These underlying factors in some relationships can make the discussion about kids a potential minefield in some cases, but it is absolutely essential that both partners understand each other on this issue before getting married or having children. Honesty is essential and it is important to reassure each other that with or without children the relationship between the two of you will remain important.

It is possible that over time a person’s desire to have kids or not can change. And sometimes it’s a matter of not being ready for children yet, but once we are better established then it will be time. That can depend of financial issues and on seeing that the relationship itself is stable enough to bring children into.

Finally, we are in a pandemic. Now is not a good time to have a child because of the health risks and the additional stresses we are all under because of the pandemic. For planning purposes, assume the pandemic will last another year before things get back to normal.

By  Bogrbon  |  20

By his reaction think your fiancé may not want kids, and if you do that’s a really important, serious conversation to have. Second, you and he really need to work on your communication patterns. If he belittles, criticizes or attacks you over something like this, things don’t bode well for the relationship

COMMENTS
By  Chazzster  |  20

OP, Having children or not and when to have them is a big deal issue. I will speak honestly on the subject. Sometimes men may overreact to the subject because they represent a big financial and emotional cost and may even come to crowd out their wives affection for them. And some women get married mostly because they want children and a family whereas the affection for their husband is actually a secondary matter. These underlying factors in some relationships can make the discussion about kids a potential minefield in some cases, but it is absolutely essential that both partners understand each other on this issue before getting married or having children. Honesty is essential and it is important to reassure each other that with or without children the relationship between the two of you will remain important.

It is possible that over time a person’s desire to have kids or not can change. And sometimes it’s a matter of not being ready for children yet, but once we are better established then it will be time. That can depend of financial issues and on seeing that the relationship itself is stable enough to bring children into.

Finally, we are in a pandemic. Now is not a good time to have a child because of the health risks and the additional stresses we are all under because of the pandemic. For planning purposes, assume the pandemic will last another year before things get back to normal.

By  Bogrbon  |  20

By his reaction think your fiancé may not want kids, and if you do that’s a really important, serious conversation to have. Second, you and he really need to work on your communication patterns. If he belittles, criticizes or attacks you over something like this, things don’t bode well for the relationship

By  Yuno Senju  |  4

LEAVE HIM

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  Chazzster  |  20

That is way too simplistic an answer. We have no idea what really went on or if OP’s fiancé was responding appropriately or not under the circumstances. Most relationships deserve some attempt at salvage before giving up on the relationship. People who give up at the first difficulty set themselves up for a lifetime of failure. There does come a time to give up on a relationship, but not before reasonable attempts at communicating have been made. Many times difficulties are not what they first seem to be.