The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Leave me alone

Today, I learned that me wearing a mask will not stop creepy old men from telling me to smile. FML

No filter

Today, I washed my backpack. Unfortunately, I forgot to empty that ONE little pocket inside, so I also washed 5 bucks, a mirror, some tissues and a notepad. Now my backpack is full of mirror shards and thousands of tiny pieces of paper-fuzz. FML

Help yourself!

Today, my now ex was angrily moving out of our place. She slammed the door so hard behind her it bounced back wide open instead of latching. I don’t live in the best of neighborhoods. Since I was out of town, all I could do was watch helplessly on the Ring camera as my place was emptied out. FML

Don't print this FML

Today, I checked on an uncle following his surgery. I got a two-hour monologue of how the internet doesn't really save paper, because he has to print the bills and receipts, plus pay for ink and staples, and that utility companies are really just shifting costs to the consumer by going "paperless". FML

Horrific misdirection

Today, my brother sent me a dick pic. FML

Caught!

Today, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me, thanks to a friend's TikTok account. FML

Today, a woman came knocking on my door. Not to sell something or to chat, no. To punch me in the mouth. Apparently, I stole her husband and I'm a homewrecker. We don't have a clue who she is. My husband and I have been married for 5 years, and were high school sweethearts. FML

Missed the signs?

Today, my husband and I visited a new bar in our city. It turned out to be a swingers sex club. He asked if we could stay and try it out, even though we were easily the oldest people there by about 30 years. FML

One lonely Stanley cup

Today, my kids refused to wake up on time, and I was at least 30-45 minutes late to work. Oh, and I forgot to bring my coffee to work. The travel thermos is still sitting on the kitchen counter. FML

Today, the power at work was out. This would be fine, if they didn’t make me stay for another hour to wait for it to come back on in the Texas heat. FML

To the top

Today, my brother and I work for the same company, I’ve been here longer, but he got promoted first and has a higher salary. At first I was afraid he was just better than me, so imagine my relief to discover he’s still an idiot, but he’s just been dicking our manager on the regular. FML

Stoned

Today, I realised I've become the background stoner character of any college movie, as I sat alone on my dorm's bed, wearing flannel over a Pac-Man shirt, and smoking weed out of a skull-shaped bong. Sorry, mom. FML

Gratitude walks

Today, my girl called me a "brainless, insensitive prick" Why? Because I wanted to surprise her with flowers since she’s been on vacation for 3 weeks and I hadn’t seen her. She was badly sunburned. I’d bought sunflowers. FML

Dr House

Today, I was trying to ease off a caffeine headache. I ended up getting a Brain Freeze. FML

Thanks, I hate it

Today, my husband excitedly came home from the gun show with a new lower receiver. I, however, had to go back out and get my own birthday cake. FML

Sailing close the wind

Today, what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, my wedding day, turned into the day in hell. A friend caught my now ex kissing his friend outside. The girl he told me was “just a friend and nothing more” whenever I suspected there was indeed nothing more. Now I've found out in the worst way. FML

Fantasy

Today, my boyfriend convinced me to go crazy and get a short haircut, then dye it all pink. When we got home he wanted sex, and he'd bought me a military uniform to wear, which is when I realised he was trying to turn me into one of his anime girls FML

Repetition

Today, it was my first time with a new boyfriend. We had sex in my living room. He asked if he could "eat my pussy." This has became my parakeet's new favorite phrase. FML

Science has gone too far

Today, I watched our very clever cat turn on our oven with ease. I now fear for my children's lives. FML

Nice try

Today, my dad tried to charge me $3000 for a car that my dead grandma, his mother, left to me in her will. I have to live with this asshole. FML

Sitcom dad

Today, my wife is convinced I don't love my daughter. Why? She got her first boyfriend recently, and I was friendly with the lad, instead of doing the stupid "overprotective dad" routine. Apparently, not feeling the need to act like a dumbass sitcom character means I secretly resent my family. FML

Hate speech

Today, I woke up sick from crying all night because I got dumped by a dude who couldn't stand my tone of voice, which I can’t completely control because of my Asperger's. FML

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Today, I realized my husband is a completely different person than when we married. It’s only been three and a half years since we eloped. FML

Close friends know what's up

Today, I saw my husband’s Instagram story of a young lady captioned, “How did I get so lucky?” I took a screenshot of it and sent it to him. His only defense was, “Oh fuck, I meant to post that to my Close Friends! It’s not what it looks like!” He's called me 14 times and has left 6 voicemails of him sobbing to not leave him. FML

We're all that one person

Today, my coworker was talking to me about how there's always that one person in a group of friends that everyone secretly dislikes and laughs at. I realized that that person is me. FML

Trip of a lifetime

Today, on the last day of our vacation with my boyfriend's family, I'm crying alone under a tree because he refuses to talk to me because I got mad he didn't want to do anything with me, but did those same things with his family. He went out of his way to do all the things I wanted to do, but without me. FML

Average Metallica fan

Today, the guy I like posted a story that said, “Why can’t a girl who’s into metal be into me?” Deciding to shoot my shot, I replied, “I’m a girl who’s into metal, wassup cutie?” He deleted it and posted a new one: “Why can’t an ATTRACTIVE girl who’s into metal be into me?” FML

Fighting fit

Today, my body is so messed up that I pulled a muscle in my side while farting. FML

Precision strike

Today, I replaced my bedsheets with new, clean ones. I went to the bathroom to wash up, and when I came back, my cat had peed exactly where my head would be. FML

Mean meanie

Today, my stepmother, an uncontrolled diabetic who refuses to change her abhorrent eating habits, berated me for how "mean" I am for limiting my kids’ junk food, and making them eat a portion of vegetables with every meal. Yeah, real mean. FML