By Anonymous

Dr House

Today, I was trying to ease off a caffeine headache. I ended up getting a Brain Freeze. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1118

You deserved it

303

Favorite

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Instadrama

Expanding universe

By T-Guy - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to spice up our sex life, so we went and had sex in the park. We had 30 minutes of "spice", just to spend seven hours in jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16246

You deserved it

50700

Favorite

By Frazz - Australia - Aspley

Today, I was told by my grandfather that I was no longer allowed to visit him or to set foot in his house. Why? He found out I have been taking Japanese and German as electives in my degree, so I must be an 'enemy spy'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51876

You deserved it

5220

Favorite

By Notasinner - United Kingdom - London

Today, a drunk man wearing a sandwich-board proclaiming that, "The end is nigh" threw some so-called holy water at me while bellowing, "It's what Jesus would've wanted" and that I should "repent for being an evil shite." FML

I agree, your life sucks

19774

You deserved it

2182

Favorite

By MrOh - Canada

Today, my wife didn't say a word to me because her horoscope told her not to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39595

You deserved it

4497

Favorite

By unemployable - United States

Today, I had an important job interview. The interviewer really seemed to like me. Instead of hiring me, he asked me out on a date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33696

You deserved it

3464

Favorite

By anonymous - Canada

Today, I was walking to school. I started running to catch up with my friend. I yelled her name, and she turned around in time to watch me slip on a sheet of ice, fall face first, and pass out. When she ran to my side, I unconsciously peed on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33305

You deserved it

4289

Favorite

By Zibby

Today, I found out that applying toothpaste to your penis to make it taste good for your girlfriend is not a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10447

You deserved it

80543

Favorite

By Brasilian29 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 2 years after eating in a 5-star restaurant. She said that she wasn't ready and that she would walk home by herself, which she did. A homeless gentleman walked up from behind me, patted me on the back and said, "Bitches man." I cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44651

You deserved it

3357

Favorite

By stupid - United States

Today, I lost my cell phone. Since I sleep on the couch, I started looking through the cushions. I didn't find my phone, but after 6 months of uncomfortably sleeping on the couch, I find out I'm sleeping on top of a pull out bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19657

You deserved it

61168

Favorite

By ZiggyTink - United States - North Branch

Bashing

Today, my boyfriend's brother and his fiancée decided to preach to me about how I need to read the Bible because I'm agnostic. I'd be fine, if it wasn't coming from two 19-year-olds who dated for 5 months, got pregnant, got engaged, lost the baby, and still wanna get married, "so they don't look bad." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27546

You deserved it

2372

Favorite

By Kurt's Dad

Today, during my grandmother's funeral, my talented ten-year-old son found the church organ and began playing Smells Like Teen Spirit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1682

You deserved it

289

Favorite

By Face_loser - United States

Today, I had to break up with my girlfriend on her request because she "didn't have the heart to do it." Within twenty minutes I'd received 4 calls from mutual friends, including my best friend, telling me what a jerk I am. And one from my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31359

You deserved it

5219

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got to drive my mom's car. I'd recently watched the new Fast and Furious movie, I thought it'd be fun to drift around a few corners. I ended up smashing straight into someone's front yard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21092

You deserved it

119474

Favorite

By PrinceOfBritain - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I was walking my dog through a park with a lake. My dog was swimming in said lake, and then appeared to be having trouble keeping his head up. I put my phone and keys on the ground and waded to my dog. He was fine, but I turned around in time to see someone run off with my stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30347

You deserved it

3496

Favorite

By whytoday - United States

Today, on the first day of my nanny job, I wanted to impress my employers with how trustworthy and responsible I am. During the sixty seconds that I went to pee, the two-year-old found a black Sharpie and scribbled all over the wall. Nail polish remover made it ten times worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34321

You deserved it

8293

Favorite

By Joseph N - United States

Today, a police officer came to talk to the kids at my workplace. He asked what they wanted to hear about first. A group of them shouted, "The donuts, tells us about the donuts." Apparently these idiots are the future of my country. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24882

You deserved it

5088

Favorite

By Anonymous - Sweden - Solna

Today, I was on an airplane, waiting to go to the bathroom. After a few minutes, the man behind me asked what I was waiting for, and checked the bathroom. It was empty, and there was a big line behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9602

You deserved it

28606

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Athena

Today, the car across the street has been broken into so many times that my parrot has started to mimic its car alarm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21844

You deserved it

1711

Favorite

By Anonymous - Germany - Berlin

Today, I excitedly told my brother I submitted a short story for a competition for the first time ever. His reply? "Congrats. I guess the first letter of rejection is a special occasion." Gee, thanks for that reality check. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12340

You deserved it

1210

Favorite

By Binks - 26/10/2020 12:01 - United States - Charleston

Ghosts!

Today I woke up feeling good and ready for my online business class final, only to find that it had somehow been submitted and graded with a zero. FML

I agree, your life sucks

998

You deserved it

106

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, after 6 months of training and going to the gym every day, I realized that the only thing I've lost is $300 worth of gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23487

You deserved it

5073

Favorite

By Anonymous

Underestimated overachiever

Today, I told my cousin I was admitted to a top MBA program. He asked if it was an online-only certificate program. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1190

You deserved it

176

Favorite

By LifeSucks - Canada

Today, as I was taking my three year old daughter home from daycare, she asked where her daddy was. I tried to tell her that I was her father, but she answered, "No, not you! My other daddy!" I've got some talking to do tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66453

You deserved it

3956

Favorite

By asleepinclass - Poland

Today, I fell asleep in history class. I was dreaming about my history teacher. When I woke up everyone stared at me rather weirdly and the teacher wasn't there. Turns out I was moaning my history teachers name through my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

139685

You deserved it

40065

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, a week after my son was born via C-section, I received 3 messages from 3 different women saying that they had recently slept with my fiancé. One of them said they tested positive for herpes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3755

You deserved it

222

Favorite

By hello higher premiums, fuckwad - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I was driving down a one-way street, when some raging dumbass came screaming the wrong way down the road at me. My instant reaction was to brake and give the guy a chance to do the same. His instant reaction was to keep going and wreck my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43917

You deserved it

3050

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Toledo

Today, I went to a Father's Day lunch with my dad and his fiancée. He suddenly began to describe, in detail, the vasectomy he'd just had, and that I shouldn't be expecting any new siblings any time soon. Thanks for the mental image, Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38902

You deserved it

3874

Favorite

By Lost5dollars - United States - Worcester

Today, I woke up to a bunch of missed calls from a number I didn't know. I had called an Uber in my sleep. They charged a cancellation fee. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4055

You deserved it

1065

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I signed up for a psych experiment. I was a damsel in distress on the side of the highway, but no one stopped. Back at the lab, another participant said a half dozen people helped her. The professor was testing how attractiveness effects altruism. I was the unattractive subject. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40286

You deserved it

3668

Favorite

By googoogaga - United States

Today, I went to IHOP for breakfast. As we were leaving, I realized a little girl took my Hello Kitty hairclip. For the next 5 minutes, I fought with an 8 year-old for a hairclip. She won. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13396

You deserved it

28792

Favorite

By Anonymous - 29/8/2020 14:09

Get off my lawn!

Today, the police came to my house and arrested me. Why? The neighborhood kids thought it would be fun to hide behind my house and shoot at people with paintball guns. People saw it coming from my house and called the police. I was fired from work, due to missing it without notice. No excuses. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1932

You deserved it

Favorite

By robertsonjimmy - United States

Today, I let my new puppy outside for the first time. When I went to get him, I saw a man running off with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50521

You deserved it

12765

Favorite

By Johnnogood - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my boss fired me because of the way I laugh. Apparently it reminds him too much of his ex-wife's laugh. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28719

You deserved it

2232

Favorite

By Ash_U

Today, I had to dig through my dog's poop again because I thought I saw a worm, but it was just the remains of the paper towels my husband leaves all over the house. My efforts to make them both stop have obviously fallen on deaf ears. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3321

You deserved it

336

Favorite

By embarassedmuch - United States

Today, I bought a new car, and before I left, the dealer offered to help me set up the sync. I agreed, but I really wish I'd remembered that my Bluetooth name is TitsMcGee. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7693

You deserved it

27616

Favorite

By Shaving it off

Today, when I showed someone my 9-year old passport, she commented, “you look so different! Now you have that Jason Statham thing going on!” My hair goes down to my shoulders; this confirms my receding hairline is real and it’s time to come to grips. At least I’m over 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1851

You deserved it

364

Favorite

By Noname - United States

Today, a toddler's play ball rolled over to me in the park. I playfully pitched it to him as his parents watched from afar. The ball hit him in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27652

You deserved it

3889

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/4/2021 23:30 - United Kingdom

Business is business

Today, my lawyer lied to me about how much of a settlement she won for my workplace accident. I got £20,000, but she lied and kept £55,000 for herself. My lawyer is my wife, and she claims she’s entitled to that money since she’s the one who’s really suffered caring for me during my recovery. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1533

You deserved it

165

Favorite

By ven980 - United States

Today, I had to blow up an air mattress using only my lungs. After nearly passing out from lack of oxygen, I realized there was a hole in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23806

You deserved it

29451

Favorite

By elmoisdead2131 - 9/2/2021 14:01

Hey, well, happy birthday anyway

Today, my parents took me out to dinner. I thought they were taking me because it's my birthday. Turns out they are getting divorced. They forgot it was my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1185

You deserved it

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#7843552 - Saturday 14 September 2019 21:12

But did the headache go away?

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7843825 - Monday 16 September 2019 4:10

Science betrayed you! Kill it!

COMMENTS

By Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#7843552 - Saturday 14 September 2019 21:12

But did the headache go away?

By graayfox215 | 15

#7843697 - Sunday 15 September 2019 13:57

At least it’s not lupus

By childlessmother | 16

#7843718 - Sunday 15 September 2019 16:49

Pickle juice, chocolate, bacon and sea salt all help with caffeine headache

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7843825 - Monday 16 September 2019 4:10

Science betrayed you! Kill it!