Today, I found out that the woman I could fall in love with is dating a friend of mine. I think I will end up alone, and die alone. FML
Today, my husband dropped a bombshell when he served me divorce papers and a set of tests proving that our sons (7 and 9 years-old) are not his. I'm alone at home, scared shitless, and my poor kids don't understand where their dad is. I can't take them to their bio dad, since he died four years ago. FML
Today, I discovered that I could have gotten 2,3% off on the vacuum cleaner bags I bought online two weeks ago. At the time I didn't know about the discount. FML
Today, I was complaining about the weather when my fiancé looked at me and said, "Can I ask a favor? Can you stop moaning and complaining and bitching about every single little thing that doesn't go your way?" He continued on for a good five minutes detailing how much I complain. He's a dead man. FML
Today, I had an endoscopy and nothing wrong was found. So why have I been vomiting up everything, including water, for the past 10 days? FML
Today, I went out to buy my wife some flowers and a chocolate bar that I overhead she liked the other day. On the way home, I was complimented on the bouquet I chose and feeling pretty good about myself. When I got home it turned out I got the wrong kind of flowers and the wrong percent of dark chocolate. FML
Today, my daughter got upset because, even though I bought the car for her when she got her license, I told her it was her responsibility to pay the tax, insurance and MOT every year. End result, my daughter is a selfish brat and I returned the car, but lost a bunch of my deposit money. FML
Today, I cleaned my apartment from top to bottom. Once I was done, I looked over at my puppy, who then woke up, stretched, got out of his basket and started to pee. I shouted, "No!" Scared, he then ran all over the place, still peeing. FML
Today, my toddler handed me a present and told me to keep it forever. It was a piece of dog poo. FML
Today, my parents had me pet-sitting their cats again, since they were going to be gone all day. I noticed their oven was on and wanted to turn it off, but when I do they always yell at me because they "had plans for dinner." This time however, they yelled at me for NOT turning it off, because they'd already ate. FML
Today, after I had a miscarriage in December, and finding out in June that I was 13 weeks pregnant with twins, I was told out that Baby B had consumed Baby A. FML
Today, I was crying over my favorite artist dying (as I often do). I was home alone, watching his documentary/movie in my living room, and I started crying REALLY HARD. It was the loudest and hardest I've ever cried. Guess who showed up to the house? The cops. The neighbors thought I was dying. FML
Today, I learned that when you tell an employee with anger issues that he’s had too many sick days due to being hungover, there's a high chance you will be hoisted off the ground by your shirt front and thrown into a drainage ditch full of stagnant water and a dead fox. FML
Today, I learned that not only do I have bacterial vaginosis, but I ALSO have gonorrhea from a hookup. The only symptoms I'm having? Anal itching. FML
Who's the chicken now, punk?
Today, I noticed my sister's dog was very sick. One trip to the vet's later, the dog was diagnosed with gut problems caused by bad diet, and a life expectancy of about 3 months. I confronted my sister, who admitted she had the dog on the same vegan diet as her, to “save the planet.” Selfish hippie cow. FML
Today, I have a bad case of diarrhea. The worst part isn’t even sharting in bed while sleeping naked. It’s the severe asshole pain from having to wipe my ass twenty times in twelve hours. FML
Today, I spent the morning with my estranged mom to try and mend some fences. In two hours she managed to insult me 56 times on subjects such as my career, outfit, husband, children, hairstyle, and so on. Plus she “forgot her purse” so I had to spend £80 for the privilege of being insulted. FML
Today, I took my father to a hockey game. He always has to get pictures with the girls, so while in bag check, he used his breath spray. He got me in the eye, and I was temporarily blinded through most of the first period. FML
Today, I heard my fiancé tell his friend that he's working on Sunday. Which is my birthday. The birthday I don't even get a party for because of Covid. My only plan was to be with him and my BFF. He says he didn't think to take the day off, and now there's "probably not enough time to get coverage." He's the manager. FML
Today, after my 14 year-old son brought home six Fs on his report card, we decided to take away all his video games and sell them. He screamed for hours, then went into the kitchen and started smashing glasses against his head, "until we brought back his games." FML
Today, I admit I’m a bit of a big lad, but I never knew how big until I was desperate for a shit so I sat on, and broke, a toilet, flooding the bathroom, at my girlfriend's parents house, the very first time I met them. FML
Today, I sent an email to a private escort, only to later realise that I sent it off my work email. FML
Today, my doctor inadvertently let the cat out of the bag that I don’t have cancer in front of my husband. I’d told him I had cancer to stop him from leaving me for his colleague who he’s absolutely moonstruck over. When we got home, he gave me the silent treatment. He went out and never came back. FML
Today, I caught my husband masturbating to porn. I screamed at him and demanded to know why he was masturbating when he has a wife to have sex with. He said, "Because you always reject me?" I was about to yell back when I realized he was right. I'm a terrible wife. FML
Today, I was seriously angry with my husband and was making valid arguments as to why he was wrong. He just started kissing me, and we ended up having sex. He knows how to win every argument, and I fall for it everytime. FML
Today, I’m getting married. My friends are all telling me that I’m not a “true feminist” since I’ve opted to change my last name to his. My last name is “Belcher.” FML
Today, I went to the graveyard with my little brother to visit my grandfather's grave. While we were there, my brother suddenly asked me, "Can you die now? I hate you." He's 7 years-old. FML
Today, the weird guy with the 'Elvis in Las Vegas' haircut-and-sunglasses combo who cleans tables at my work tried to hit on me. This is the most interest any man has given me in a year. FML
Today, I found out that my best friend likes the same person as I do, but she doesn’t know that I'm in love with him, and she keeps sending me their flirty texts. FML
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