Today, I had to listen to my boss say "Arabica beans" in a goofy,...

By Anonymous - 29/10/2013 00:53 - United States - Cranston

Today, I had to listen to my boss say "Arabica beans" in a goofy, fake New England accent every time the McDonald's ice coffee commercial came on the radio. I worked a 12-hour shift. FML

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Work

Banished

Business savvy

Night terrors

By Deweyboy - 10/10/2015 04:33 - United States

Today, while playing a game, my girlfriend told a bunch of our friends that she's never had an orgasm. News to me. FML

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By Homeless - 9/3/2009 12:12 - United States

Today, I got back to my apartment from being away for the past week on Spring break. I found the locks on my apartment changed and all my things on the curb, many of them broken or stolen. I ran to the leasing office to see what had happened. Turns out it was an accounting error on their part. FML

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By Fluffy - 13/12/2017 19:00

Thanks, honey.

Today, I noticed that I've been gaining some weight. Don't worry, my boyfriend doesn't mind. His new favorite thing is putting my boobs on his head and saying he feels "safe". FML

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By cwell88 - 21/6/2015 13:29

Today, my bike was stolen. These things happen so I went to work. On my walk to work a girl pulls up on my bike and says I need to fix the brakes, someone could kill themselves. Hands the bike to me and runs off. Not even 3 minutes pass as police surround me and accuse me of stealing my own bike. FML

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By m2k - 20/6/2011 14:59 - Canada

Today, the only person I actually spoke with was a prank caller. I tried to have a conversation with him, but he hung up on me. FML

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By mrrichkid - 6/3/2010 01:05 - United States

Today, my wife of four years confessed to me that she only married me for the money. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2014 20:01 - United States - Denver

Today, I was ordering a pizza over the phone. When the guy asked for my order, I yelled "Hey, you guys wanted pepperoni, right?" In reality, I was yelling this to my cat. College hasn't made me many friends so far. FML

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By shitty situation - 28/1/2013 23:02 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my boyfriend came over for a family brunch, during which he told my mother, in vivid detail, how he gets the shits whenever he eats kale chips. FML

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By ineedayob - 18/5/2013 20:36 - United States - La Mesa

Today, I went for an interview regarding a seasonal position I'd been offered at a grocery store. The manager showed up 45 minutes past the scheduled interview time, cheerfully greeted me, and took me back to his office, just to tell me that they don't hire seasonal help. Ever. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2010 05:21 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend said that we can "maybe have sleepovers" at his house when he FINALLY moves out. He's 24, and we've been dating for 6 years. FML

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By countryblumpkin - 1/8/2013 18:06 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, my husband begged me to go down on him while he sat on the toilet, taking a crap. He tried to convince me that we'd both somehow experience mind-blowing orgasms. FML

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By leaannec30 - 10/7/2016 18:52 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I thought my car was overheating. I then thought it was wise to put my hand close to my muffler to feel the heat. Needless to say, I stuck my entire hand on my muffler then had to drive around with the only cold thing in my car. A cold beer from my cooler. Yes, I got pulled over. FML

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By Fuckmylife - 19/12/2018 22:00 - Canada - Port Colborne

Today, thanks to a side effect from my medication I'm suffering the longest mild panic attack I've ever had. I'm on day 2 and it shows no sign of letting up. FML

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By julian1 - 19/8/2015 11:34 - United States - Orlando

Today, I decided to sunbathe in my backyard in an attempt to be healthy. The result? Insect bites over my body. Somehow, despite being fully clothed the entire time, my scrotum also received several bites. FML

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By anonymous - 2/10/2016 06:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were going to shower together, things were getting heated until we actually got into the shower and found my roommates fingernail clippings all over the place. FML

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By Carla - 12/11/2017 01:30

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night choking and had to open my bedroom window. No, it wasn’t a gas leak. My husband had a curry last night and his constant farting was so bad I was struggling to breathe. FML

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By Username - 1/5/2014 10:33 - United States

Today, my dog died. My parents told me to bury it out back. In the process, I managed to dig up my cat. FML

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By lisahb - 19/6/2012 22:16 - United States - Detroit

Today, my mom took me to dinner. She told me about an argument that she and her boyfriend had, and she showed me the texts. While reading, I learned that she smells his dick before sucking it. FML

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By ineedaraise - 15/7/2015 01:04 - Canada - London

Today, after nearly two months of working at my new job, one of my co-workers finally explained to me that the list of tasks that our boss gives me every day are actually HER duties, and as I complete them, she just sits in her office and watches Netflix. FML

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By Whyis Dremora - 30/9/2018 15:00 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I was abruptly woken by a scratching at my butthole that felt like a spider with a million legs. I've never leapt out of bed so fast. When my partner shined a light on the bed, we discovered it was a cockroach. FML

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By Alec - 15/6/2011 09:02 - United States

Today, I had a sore throat, and I'd read that drops of Tabasco sauce on your tongue helps. I aimed the bottle at my tongue and the whole cap came off, covering my face and filling my mouth with Tabasco sauce, causing me to blow chunks all over the kitchen floor. FML

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By oops - 22/8/2014 14:35 - Australia - Wembley

Today, I stuck one of those "kick me" signs on my friend's back for fun, and someone took the invitation. Unfortunately, my friend whirled around and beat the shit out of him. I managed to sneak the sign off his back, but now I feel like a total asshole. FML

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By epicc1584 - 30/7/2009 12:32 - United States

Today, I was downtown with my boyfriend around Noon when we walked past a few guys who shouted out to me "You're the most beautiful girl we've seen all day". My boyfriend's response was "It's still early." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 13:17 - United States

Today, I took the dog for a 45 minute walk/jog. She sniffed everything on the ground like she always does. She marked her territory twice and we finally got home. As soon as I took her off the leash inside she ran to the kitchen and took a dump right on the kitchen mat. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 15:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I ran into an attractive friend of a friend who I hadn't seen since a night out last month. I tried my best to be friendly and interesting, but he still seemed awkward. Later I find out that last time he saw me, I was blind drunk and vomiting after propositioning him all evening. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2014 02:46 - United States

Today, I finished building a porch I've worked hard on for the past 2 weeks, and I was very proud on how amazing it turned out. Within 20 minutes of it being completed, my pregnant dog decided to crawl underneath it to have her puppies. I had to take half the porch apart to get to her and them. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2012 13:55 - Sweden - Falk?ping

Today, I accidentally cut myself while slicing some sponge cake. My husband's first reaction was to ask if the cake had gotten bloody or not. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2017 22:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I discovered why the toilet seat is often sticky in the morning. My husband is too lazy to lift the seat, instead opting to pee all over it and sleepily wipe it down with loo paper if he notices a splash. He doesn't see why it's a problem since he 'cleans' it. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2009 05:11 - Canada

Today, I woke up after a night of drinking in my backyard. All I was wearing were my boxers and one sock. I staggered up to see my car halfway through my garage wall with a note saying "Sorry Dude". FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2010 04:00 - United States

Today, I asked my mother why she had me in the first place, as we never get along. She replied because my father wanted me. So, I called my father to ask him the same question, he said he only wanted to have me to keep my mother around, and that didn't work, so I was a waste. FML

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By tenthousandspoon - 13/9/2010 00:08 - New Zealand

Today, at work, a three year old chucked a chocolate bar at me. It hit me square in the face. Her father praised her for her "quality arm." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2011 11:20 - United States

Today, my roommate came home and instantly began raging, cursing, and threatening to kill me. While I was cowering in my bedroom, the police had to settle the situation. All I'd done was rearrange some furniture. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2011 23:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a date for the first time in months. Over dessert, my date told a joke, and I tittered vigorously, causing me to choke and throw up all over my date. FML

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By Sariitaa_fml - 18/11/2017 19:00

Today, I was in the romantic section of a book store making fun of the titles. Thinking my friend was behind me, I read in a sexy voice, “Sleeping with a Stranger” and turned to laugh only to find the 70-year-old store manager smiling and winking at me. FML

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By BigmouthStrikesAgain - 19/8/2011 00:18 - United Kingdom

Today, after a tennis lesson, the coach was picking up the stray tennis balls around the court. Trying to be helpful, I asked him, "Do you want me to grab your ball bag?" His eyeballs almost burst out of their sockets. FML

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By Motherly Love - 14/8/2011 10:34 - United States

Today, I was at the airport to pick up my mother since my baby is due soon. As she arrived, I smiled wide and opened my arms for a hug, but she walked right by me. Apparently, being pregnant makes me unrecognizable. My husband and I had to tell it her was me, her own daughter. FML

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By Sylvania - 10/6/2009 23:07 - United States

Today, I was playing a medieval game with my brother, when he took all of his character's clothes off and said, "Let's have sex!" I looked at him and said, "UH YOU ARE MY BROTHER!" He turns and looks at me, smiling and says, "But not in the game!" I am a 19 year old girl. He is 12. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2016 04:33 - United States - Yuma

Today, after buying hundreds of dollars worth of Christmas presents, my transmission blew up on the interstate heading home. Now, I either have to return the gifts or not drive over 25. FML

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By ltwlty - 20/9/2016 07:07 - China - Beijing

Today, I still can't poop unless I hear the sound of the bathroom fan. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2011 19:38 - United States

Today, I found out that my mom screams like a dying monkey while having sex. Even with my music turned up all the way, I can still hear her through our paper thin walls. FML

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Top comments

By SixthSinEnvy | 39

#5733761 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 7:44

I was one of the first to vote and they were all ydi. Why in the world would you deserve this? That sounds beyond annoying.

By OMG_ZOMBIES | 15

#5733763 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 7:45

Repeating funny things makes you funny, you should've laughed. Right? Guys?

COMMENTS

By science-teacher | 14

#5733759 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 7:43

f your life

By SixthSinEnvy | 39

#5733761 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 7:44

I was one of the first to vote and they were all ydi. Why in the world would you deserve this? That sounds beyond annoying.

science-teacher | 14

#5733776 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 7:56

Coffe can cause a latte problems

Sports_guy3 | 28

#5733987 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 13:53

Abarica beans

\ | 28

#5734063 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 16:07

I smell trouble brewing...

science-teacher | 14

#5734730 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 2:33

*Coffee
Sorry guys

By OMG_ZOMBIES | 15

#5733763 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 7:45

Repeating funny things makes you funny, you should've laughed. Right? Guys?

JosephMoore77 | 8

#5733884 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 11:57

Off that's what you classify as funny, and if you actually do that to sound funny. I feel bad for your friends.

threer | 30

#5733917 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 12:38

Or MAYBE that was a joke and an awesome one at that?

OMG_ZOMBIES | 15

#5734010 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 14:43

Thank you 27!

By Shaowolf | 17

#5733767 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 7:47

Record him and put him as ringtone. He would appreciate it

By thatisaWIN | 5

#5733768 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 7:48

12 hours straight of "Arabica beans" over and over? You must get paid good, or really need this job. FYL

By lex1459 | 38

#5733770 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 7:51

I hope you get a much deserved raise.

By olpally | 32

#5733772 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 7:52

That's more annoying then a teacher clawing her nails down a chalkboard. Argh.

daniel_dd31 | 13

#5733782 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 8:03

There is no way that is worse then nails on a blackboard. I get goosebumps just thinking about it. *shivers*

By science-teacher | 14

#5733773 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 7:55

haha

By frozenfreeze | 5

#5733774 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 7:55

Arabica beans

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#5733778 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 8:00

Beans beans the magical beans the more you eat the more you fart

Enslaved | 36

#5733784 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 8:04

You're saying it wrong. It's

"Beans beans good for your heart the more you eat the more you fart".

Didn't mean to go robusta on your ass!

addysonnn | 8

#5733799 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 8:18

I actually think 11 was getting "beans, beans, the magical fruit, the more you eat the more you toot" mixed up with what you said, Enslaved.

Enslaved | 36

#5733805 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 8:27

Hot damn! They have more than one of these poems about farting? Lol

graceinsheepwear | 33

#5733816 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 8:49

...the more you toot, the better you feel, so eat your beans at every meal.

Yup, the toot version is the one I grew up hearing.

showmeyourears | 19

#5734002 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 14:19

I always heard it as "the MUSICAL fruit".

Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#5734202 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 18:27

Bart said it, from the Simpson's ,, Damn people

\ | 28

#5734225 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 18:44

Eat beans the magical fart the more you eat them the more you beans fart the eat