By FML Videos

Bullying 101

Who's the chicken now, punk?

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Understandable

Commando

Rock n Roll is a dirty business

By benji - United States

Today, I was hurriedly doing laundry. I threw a second load in the dryer and slammed the door shut. All of a sudden, I heard scratching and whining coming from the dryer. My cat probably hates me now. FML

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By fmlcops - United States

Today, my car died on a major road, a cop pulled over to help, he offered to jump me, while doing so because my battery was so dead he told me to put the gas on the floor, I did and my car roared to life, he then pulled me over five feet from where my car died to give me a ticket for a loud exhaust. FML

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By ants9omarching - United States

Today, the seat in my car broke and wouldn't move forward. I had to walk to school in the rain because I was too short to reach the pedals. FML

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By razzmataz - United States

Today, I was discussing my family heritage with my girlfriend's parents. The moment I told them that I came from a German background, her seven-year-old brother pointed at me and yelled, "HITLER!" FML

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By Kitty Lover - United States - Houston

Today, a few weeks after moving in with my boyfriend, I borrowed his phone to Google something because mine was dead. His most recent searches? "How kill cat", "Kill cat laws", "Cat + poison". I thought he was ok with my cat when I moved in. FML

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By lastalittlelonger - United States

Bragging

Today, I received a text from my boyfriend telling me how much I wore him out the night before, from all the sex we were having. We had sex for two minutes. FML

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By tasian14 - 1/1/2021 17:01

Here's to a better year

Today, my boyfriend of 6 years decided on New Year's Eve to get on his knees and tell me that he cheated on me with his ex, and they're getting back together. Yay last day of 2020! FML

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By GoldenSteve - United States - Humble

Today, my gym teacher ranted about how the government should put all the death row inmates in a coliseum and film them fighting. I guess he lied when he said he only drinks at the weekend. FML

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By ihatemakingnames - United Kingdom - London

Today, I trimmed my ear hair, my nose hair, shaved my hobbit feet, and trimmed the little sprouts that give me a unibrow if left alone. I still can't grow a beard. FML

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By bloody_hell - United States - Elkhart

Today, I was faced with the inevitable horrible circumstances which lead me to put in a tampon on a moving city bus. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my 24-year-old brother again yelled at me for looking at him while he was on the toilet. It'd be easier not to if he didn't sit on the toilet with the door wide open, and if the bathroom wasn't directly opposite my bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was so insecure, I got scared of what people might think of my fingers. FML

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By Calimero0 - 11/8/2020 17:02

Extreme phobias

Today, it's 30 degrees Celsius in my bedroom, but I need to stay completely under the covers, because even though I live on the other side of the world, I can't stop thinking about Australian huntsman spiders. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I realized I love my boyfriend's cat more than my boyfriend. The only reason we're still together is I don't want to lose custody of the cat. FML

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By masterdisaster - United States

Today, one of our regular customers came in and was telling me he bought an assault rifle. I told him not to go off his meds and shoot up the store, as a joke. Later, my manager told me that the guy is on antidepressants and was discharged from the military for being "mentally unfit." FML

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By handygirl - 31/1/2020 14:00 - Singapore - Singapore

I'm here!

Today, I tried fixing my bedroom lock because the push button hadn't retracted. When I closed the door, I couldn't open it again because the spring isn't attached to the latch, so that didn't retract either. I'm locked in my own room. FML

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By Seanzy - United States

Today, the girl I've had a crush on forever asked me why the pin on my Letterman jacket had two guys doing it. I told her it was for participating in a wrestling tournament. And she responded, "Oh I thought you were finally coming out of the closet!" FML

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By Babs - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, I did a bike ride and run with a gent I'm serious about. On the run, I had a big lead until he passed me up saying, "I'm going to marry you." Puzzled that he would propose and then sprint away leaving me trailing, he clarified at the finish. His words: "I'm going to bury you." FML

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By Monkeys aren't pets - 7/12/2020 23:04 - United States - Millersville

Is that even legal?

Today, I found out in addition to the ADHD teenager they scream at, my boyfriend's parents are planning on getting a monkey. I work at an animal shelter, so now I'm obligated to have a long conversation with them about what a crap idea that is. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was upset that my boyfriend hasn't called in a while. Turns out, my step-mother blocked his number so he can't call. She never told me and, instead, just let me think he hated me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I finally got myself settled into bed around 2 in the morning after a very long day. My cat started to snuggle with me when I smelled something disgusting. Turns out my cat sharted in my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to shave my legs completely to be more confident in my dress. I spent over an hour making sure my legs were perfectly shaved. It wasn't until I had been out awhile that I realized I forgot to shave my armpits. FML

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By FroggyGirl888 - United States

Today, my roommates thought I wasn't home and started talking about me. Apparently I'm a lesbian, devil worshiper, and an alcoholic. I didn't know my life was so fascinating. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, a homeless man asked me for money in a train station bathroom. When I told him I had no money he left. He then returned only to pour a bottle full of urine on my head while I was in the stall. I use a metro card. I honestly had no money. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my science teacher decided not to recommend me for an honors science class for next year. The reason? Last week, I made the mistake of asking whether spray tans give vitamins in the same way as the sun. FML

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By McFizzy321 - United States - Merritt Island

Today, I went on a cruise. I gave my bags to a porter, and tipped him $5. Later that night, my bags still hadn't arrived at my room, and that's when I realized that I'd paid a fake porter to steal my bags. FML

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By SoggyPancakes - United States

Today, I decided to call my wife while she was having a private lunch with my parents. I began to tell her all the nasty things I was going to do to her in bed. Halfway through my fantasy, she giggled and told me that she was going to take me off speakerphone. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, I got into a fight with my girlfriend. After yelling and arguing my point, my cat got up and jumped up next to her on the bed. He sat down, and they both glared at me until I left. FML

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By TCRII - United States - Springfield

Today, my wife and I agreed to get two horses. She got three horses and a pregnant goat. FML

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By no tea parties here, gran - United States

Today, my racist, homophobic, generally degenerate grandmother visited. Within 20 minutes, she uttered multiple racial slurs, said Robert Downey Jr. will burn in hell for playing a black man in one of his movies, and yelled that she'd "whip the piss" out of me, after I asked her to leave. FML

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By sierra808 - United States

Today, I was walking the beach and I saw my crush walking towards me. I was thinking about what I was going to do while playing with my top that ties in the front. I decided that I was just going to smile. When we got closer to each other I smiled and waved as I put my hand up it untied my top. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Corner Brook

Today, my boyfriend gave me lingerie from Victoria's Secret. He then added that his mother picked it out. FML

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By Shawty - United States

Today, I went on a date, and within the first five minutes, he said, "Before we go any further and get anymore serious, you need to know a few things, I have kissed a guy drunk because it was a dare, and have a $400 silk rose Victoria's Secret blanket." FML

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By well, now what - United States - Broken Arrow

Today, I confronted my boyfriend after he received a text with a bunch of hearts on it. After arguing, turns out it was from me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was the maid of honor at my sister's wedding. I was the first one to walk down the aisle, where I managed to trip over a wire, shutting off the music and falling on my face. My family cheered and took pictures. FML

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By foreverDark - United States - Aurora

Today, I woke up after a long night of trying to catch a moth. I'd knocked down furniture and screamed up the house to do so, but I finally got it. What did I see first thing this morning? Another moth. FML

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By julieb - United States

Today, I was putting on cream and my son asked what it was for. I told him it was to keep the wrinkles away. He looked at me closely and replied, "I don't think it's working." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Laying eggs!

Today, I've has a constant feeling like something is moving in my ear. I'm a severe arachnaphobic, and my dad is trying to convince me a spider is in my ear laying eggs. FML

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By 12yearsoldapparently - United States - Charleston

Today, I was finally going to break down my social barrier by going out on a date with a nice guy I recently met on a dating site. Just at the start of the date, he asked me how old I was, and out of pure nervousness, I blurted out, "12!" I'm 24. FML

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By sara - 24/7/2020 23:01

Spotted

Today, I discovered my first wrinkle at the same time as my millionth zit. FML

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Top comments

By Razell | 13

#7719179 - Monday 5 November 2018 20:37

Well, we know who's on tomorrow's dinner menu, don't we?

By redlizzybeth | 24

#7719224 - Monday 5 November 2018 22:23

The person recording this is horrible. Roosters have sharp and dangerous talons. That child could have come to harm.

COMMENTS

By jjwallace12 | 4

#7719144 - Monday 5 November 2018 19:06

i dont get it

By Razell | 13

#7719179 - Monday 5 November 2018 20:37

Well, we know who's on tomorrow's dinner menu, don't we?

By redlizzybeth | 24

#7719224 - Monday 5 November 2018 22:23

The person recording this is horrible. Roosters have sharp and dangerous talons. That child could have come to harm.

Reply

BLACKHEART46101 | 8

#7720524 - Thursday 8 November 2018 15:57

You live and you learn. If your life has never done anything wrong to you, how much money do you have? Break an arm or a leg and find out what life is really like. My cancer that I had has made me a stronger person now than I would have been. Be an adult and let kids learn, if they don't touch the hot stove or put a fork in an outlet then they will never learn.

By Phillycheeze | 20

#7719287 - Tuesday 6 November 2018 0:43

Take care of the chicken with some bbq sauce.