Today, I was in the shower washing my hair when my hand ran down...

By Anonymous - 19/2/2017 01:00 - Australia - Stretton

Today, I was in the shower washing my hair when my hand ran down the shower caddy and in particular, on my razor. If I wasn't woozy from all the blood splatter around the shower - seeing the bone that connects my finger definitely did it. FML

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Health

Car Wars

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Last dates

By Anonymous - 7/11/2012 18:28 - United States - Ellensburg

Today, I flew back home from out of state. When I got back to my house, my bed, furniture, and TV were gone. My girlfriend changed her number and I have no idea where she lives now. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2014 15:21 - United States

Today, I was driving along, and went to spit out my window. My window was up. This happened in heavy traffic. People saw. FML

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By aXel - 13/10/2008 08:29

Today, my dog was watching me and started to have a hard-on, for half an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2020 08:01 - United States - San Luis Obispo

FML's OnlyFans

Today, I signed up for my ex’s OnlyFans. She never sent me nudes when we were dating, now she’s selling them to everyone she knows. FML

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By FlipYoC - 16/9/2009 06:15 - United States

Today, my mom was criticizing how I can't handle taking care of any living thing because I'm too irresponsible. We had a huge argument so I went back to my apartment, only to find that my fish had died. I forgot I had a fish. FML

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By CaseyFpC85 - 11/9/2011 15:13 - United States

Today, the girl I've been dating, and starting to fall in love with, walked out of the bathroom claiming we were going to be parents. I jumped off of the couch in disbelief, yelling, "Really?" She replied, "Really. I just gave birth to a huge dump baby." FML

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By Grossedouttt - 4/7/2009 04:18 - United States

Today, my mother texted me while I was at work asking me to pick up a door-stopper on my way home. When I asked her why she explained that she and my dad were trying to make love but the dog kept pushing the door open. What an image. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2010 07:54 - United States

Dirty talk

Today, I was in bed with my boyfriend, in the middle of foreplay, and somehow out of my mouth came, "I want to be inside you." I'm a woman. FML

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By wot02 - 27/7/2015 02:02 - United States

Today, my long distance boyfriend got angry because I like touching myself while we sext. It "distracts" me from him. I'm sorry you turn me on. FML

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By snapped - 13/11/2009 04:19 - United States

Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me if the tooth fairy was real. I said yes, and she said she wanted to try to catch her. Later, she pulled out a tooth and put it under her pillow. I came in to take out the tooth and replace it with money. There were mouse traps behind her pillow. FML

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By Cindell Hanson - 2/3/2020 05:00

Kids these days…

Today, a student told me to fuck off. I work with 3 year-olds. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2020 02:00

Deal or no Deal

Today, my boyfriend's farts got so bad that we made a deal: every day that he doesn't fart, he gets a blowjob. Suddenly, he's not letting gas out anymore. FML

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By Kelly - 2/10/2011 04:53 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a young boy. I accidentally let a few words slip when I dropped something. He won't stop dropping the F bomb and his mother is coming to get him in the morning. FML

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By woohoo420 - 4/4/2012 16:14 - United States - Chino Hills

Today, I was so baked out of my mind that I argued with my parakeet over who farted. I could be wrong, but I think I lost the argument. Worse still, my boyfriend had been standing in the doorway long enough to hear everything, even me farting. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2016 06:47 - United States - Upper Marlboro

Today, while crying at my grandma's funeral I was told to man up. FML

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By Hard in flip flops - 21/1/2018 06:00

Today, my dad walked in on me jerking off. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t Skyping my boyfriend, while both of us were totally naked. I had just told him to “put those toes in your mouth and I’ll cum like you’ve never seen before”. FML

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By pathetic_girl - 14/10/2010 14:45 - Canada

Today, I accidentally admitted to two girls in my first year university astronomy class that I have a strict 10pm bedtime. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2009 14:45 - United States

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend throwing my birth control box at me and shouting that I was a slut for cheating on him since we never had sex. I attempted to explain the birth control was for a condition I have that causes my period to be non-existent. He didn't believe me. FML

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By Emily - 3/8/2010 23:54 - United States

Today, my best friend who I've known since high school is getting married. I'm supposed to give a toast during the reception about how great the bride and groom are. I've been sleeping with the groom for the past 7 months. FML

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By anonymous - 16/11/2009 06:00 - Japan

Today, after months of trying to potty train my son, he finally told me he used the potty. I went to the bathroom to check. There was nothing there. So I asked him "Where did you go to the potty?". He then grabbed my hand and took me to the cat's litter box. My son has successfully litter trained himself. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2013 06:42

Today, I was the last person in line for going on the bus. Incidentally, I was right behind a guy way taller and wider than me. When he got on the bus, the bus driver immediately shut the door behind him. I was left outside chasing after the bus. FML

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By grow_fasterrr - - 13/10/2010 05:28 - Canada

Today, I went to get a trim. However, follow-up damage control at home afterward shouldn't really be necessary on a fifty dollar haircut. FML

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By Kev - 23/5/2019 04:00

Today, after a number of other automotive misadventures, I tried to find out why my radiator fan decided to quit working. That's when my hood struts thought it would be a good time to give way. Now I have big bruise on my shoulder where the latch hit me. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2015 21:35 - United Kingdom - Stourport

Today, I won a meal for two in a raffle. I had no one to go with. FML

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By desperate - 26/9/2009 14:15 - Denmark

Today, while at a club, I walked up to a cutie who had been eyeing me all night. I asked him "Is that a phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?". He simply replied "It's a phone" before walking away. FML

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By damn it rose - 31/5/2014 13:40 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my ex-girlfriend proposed to me, at my wedding. FML

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By hé merde - 23/2/2014 02:27 - France - Paris

Today, I was pushing my wheelchair-bound grandpa back home, when a pretty girl walked past us in the opposite direction. He made me stop and turn him around, just so he could check her ass out as she walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2015 19:58

Today, I wore flip-flops to work. Just as I walked onto the elevator, they made a sound very close to that of a fart. About 10 seconds later, some asshole let out a silent but deadly fart, earning me a bunch of disgusted looks. FML

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By funnyERstory - 23/11/2016 04:31 - United States - Houston

Today, I got my dick sucked. Unfortunately, it was by the vacuum nozzle my cousin stuck down my pants. FML

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By ILoveAnimals - 11/6/2012 07:14 - Austria - Vienna

Today, I went to the circus with my family. When we were looking at the animals during the break, an elephant took my purse with his trunk and ate it. It crushed my cellphone, camera, keys and wallet. After that, the circus director yelled at me for feeding poisonous stuff to his elephant. FML

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By kl - 26/10/2009 06:15 - Canada

Today, after waiting a couple weeks, I finally slept with this guy I really like. It went like this: 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, done. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2011 04:26 - New Zealand

Today, I slipped and fell in mud while running from the car to inside to avoid getting wet in a torrential downpour. I was running from the limo, in my wedding dress, to the church for my wedding. FML

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By roze198765 - 4/8/2011 01:19 - United States

Today, my cat died in the process of eating, and choking on, my hamster. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2011 02:06 - United States

Today, I caught a cab to take me to a hospital appointment. The driver turned around and told me I was in the Cash Cab. I got really excited and screamed. That is, until she laughed and said, "Just kidding. I always wanted to do that to someone." FML

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By ohEw - 9/11/2017 10:00 - United States - Pasadena

Today, while doing my laundry, I found a very clean but presumably used ribbed condom in my freshly washed and dried sheets. It was not mine. FML

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By fatti11 - 14/1/2017 18:00

Today, during an argument that he couldn't win, my boyfriend farted in a glass, covered it with his hand, ran to me, and let it go it right in front of my nose. FML

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By Some Guy - 12/10/2015 00:54 - United States - Allen

Today, I was babysitting a 2 year old. He was messing around with a silver fork and I told him it was dangerous. He then got mad at me and started crying and stabbed me right in my foot. Be warned, even though they're little, they can still cause a lot of pain. FML

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By dmlk - 10/12/2008 11:09 - France

Today, and for the third time this week, my bank manager called me to tell me that my account is still overdrawn. He doesn't seem to understand that my wages always get paid at the end of the month. FML

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By derbyboy - 19/10/2011 05:38 - United Kingdom

Today, at work, I misheard a customer telling me a story. To be polite, I did a slight laugh and nodded my head. She actually told me her mum had died. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2013 00:34 - United States

Today, my psycho abstinence-only sex ed teacher claimed condoms give 50% protection at most against pregnancy. I couldn't help but correct her. She apologized for her "mistake", saying, "It's just that we're not ALL sluts, Kara." Now everyone thinks I'm a raging whore. FML

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Top comments

By coolmike699 | 26

#7412569 - Saturday 18 February 2017 16:06

Do you shave with a machete? What kind of razor cuts your finger to the bone just by touching it?

By AzrielB | 8

#7412579 - Saturday 18 February 2017 16:38

YDI, for keeping your shaving machete in the shower and not on the machete hook on the wall

COMMENTS

By coolmike699 | 26

#7412569 - Saturday 18 February 2017 16:06

Do you shave with a machete? What kind of razor cuts your finger to the bone just by touching it?

popaulina | 8

#7412611 - Saturday 18 February 2017 18:27

An imaginary one.

species4872 | 19

#7412615 - Saturday 18 February 2017 18:32

Cut throat razor.

By ResidentThatGuy | 12

#7412575 - Saturday 18 February 2017 16:14

Guess that razor really is the only sharp thing in the shower... no but really ouch!

By AzrielB | 8

#7412579 - Saturday 18 February 2017 16:38

YDI, for keeping your shaving machete in the shower and not on the machete hook on the wall

awildwhisper | 30

#7412913 - Sunday 19 February 2017 11:04

Your comment made me die laughing. I kinda want a machete hook on my bathroom wall now.

By kmrrpk | 22

#7412584 - Saturday 18 February 2017 16:57

I was taking the cap off my razor once and cut my thumb so bad I had to get stitches so I know how you feel

By pelletman67 | 16

#7412591 - Saturday 18 February 2017 17:20

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Tumaco1963 | 19

#7412656 - Saturday 18 February 2017 20:22

The blades on a shaving razor are not long enough to cut to the bone. Unless the razor is purposely broken to remove the blade for the sole purpose of cutting.