Today, I was working at the mall as the girl that stands around... - FML

By joybirdnot_13 - 8/7/2009 12:08 - United States

Today, I was working at the mall as the girl that stands around giving out samples of the foods. This guy came up to me and we were flirting for at least 30 mins. With the tray in one hand, I gave him my cell to put his number in it. He ran away with my phone. FML

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Dangling modifier

Compassion

Long story short

By handlin - 14/1/2010 06:45 - Mexico

Today, after 8 years, I confessed one of my best friends I've been in love with him since we were kiddies. His answer was "Don't worry, I won't stop talking to you." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2017 07:00 - United States - Coplay

Today, my school brought in therapy dogs to help with stress. I was attacked by one of them. FML

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By abbacjt - 16/1/2009 17:51 - United States

Today, I sent my sister a text about how fat I was becoming and looking as disgusting as my ex husband. When I checked to see if she had received it I saw that I had accidentally sent it to my ex father in law. FML

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By daddysjudy92 - 28/9/2018 14:00

Today, after being hospitalized last week due to a severe mental breakdown, my mom is still mad at me for missing her big solo at church. She had even tried to demand I be released from the hospital for it. She's still going on about how she thinks I missed it on purpose. FML

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By Sharkie49 - 26/3/2012 22:33 - United States - Oceanside

Today, I paid top dollar for an Italian soda that ended up consisting almost entirely of ice. When I complained, the girl insisted that the soda water stopped the ice from melting. She said she didn't see what the problem was, and threatened to have me thrown out if I didn't "simmer down." FML

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By tine - 16/11/2014 09:44 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my boyfriend broke the bed pretending to be a caterpillar. FML

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By AussieG75 - 21/7/2012 04:48 - United States - Saint Augustine

Today, I heard screaming coming from my neighbor's house. Since her husband has a history of abusing her, I called the cops. After they left with him in custody, she called to yell at me because they were "working things out" after "having a few drinks". FML

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By JWags - 4/12/2018 05:00

Today, at 30 years old, my wife asked why I'm circumcised when my parents aren't religious. I didn't know I was circumcised. FML

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By Interrupted - 27/11/2010 01:03 - United States

Today, while I was making love to my fiancé, his mom walked out of the hotel bathroom and sat in a chair less than two feet away from the bed. She made idle conversation with us for the next 15 minutes. My fiancé was still inside me the entire time. FML

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By Welp - 14/6/2017 14:00

Today, I failed my nursing clinical for, "being too nice". FML

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By animal lover... - 5/10/2013 22:34

Today, I woke up to my cat slowly dragging her paw across my face. I opened my eyes to see a bloody mouse dangling an inch from my face. It was still twitching. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2009 10:37 - Australia

Today, I had a job interview but couldn't find my car keys. I had searched the entire apartment and had missed the interview. Turns out they were in my pocket the entire time. FML

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By haphazard2007 - 2/1/2012 09:44 - United States

Today, I got a gift from my wife in the form of divorce papers. She waited till after New Year's so it wouldn't show up on her taxes for 2011. FML

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By red - 27/9/2012 11:37 - United States - Portland

Today, my ex dropped by to pick up a piece of art he'd left when I threw him out a month ago. While here, he visited the restroom. Tonight, my shampoo smelled like urine. And he called at 11pm to say he'd ''rubbed one out'' on my new boyfriend's toothbrush. FML

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By touched - 10/2/2009 11:30 - Philippines

Today, on the crowded train, a cute guy called me over and told me to stand next to him because there were less people there. We started talking, but he left before I could get his number. Just when I was about to tell my friends about it, I find out that he stole my phone. FML

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By Nonbikerbiker - 8/12/2018 22:00

Today, while enjoying a nice drive on my motorcycle, I got into an accident. I was lucky to have minor injuries, but my bike was totaled. When I got home, I found the driver of the car that hit me sitting in my living room. My partner introduced us by saying, “and this is my gay lover, grandpa.” FML

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By username - 6/6/2020 08:04

Keep out

Today, my social awkwardness got to an all-time high when I hoped that I wouldn't get the job that I applied for, because I'd be working with the public. FML

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By sickness_sucks - 15/6/2012 06:19 - Canada - Abbotsford

Today, I learned that if you're going to use vicks vapor rub for a cold, you should remember to wash your hands before changing your tampon. FML

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By LockandKey - 24/2/2009 23:28 - United States

Today, everyone at school was talking about some guy that did another girl while he was going out with someone. I started to spread the rumor myself, until someone told me that that guy was my boyfriend. The other girl was my best friend. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2010 04:31 - United States

Today, after getting out of the shower, I was in a good mood. So I decided to run around the house naked, then play air guitar while air drying, just for fun. My blinds were open, and the men in the Fedex truck in my front yard did have fun. FML

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By PharmSlave - 1/5/2015 06:12 - United States - Marysville

Today, my boss told me I ask too many questions and that's why they cut my hours in half. Officially, I'm a "Pharmacy Technician in Training", which means I'm trying to teach myself how to do the job without killing someone. All from on the job experience and an outdated textbook. FML

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By Stoopiddogbot - 12/2/2013 13:18 - United Kingdom - Swansea

Today, I came home to find the dog had learned how to open our stair-gate and kitchen door, devoured the entire fruitcake I'd made for a special occasion, and then vomited said fruitcake all over the fabric sofa. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I was driving in my very own car that I bought and paid for myself, when I stopped at a stop light. Then I noticed the truck in front of me turn on his reverse lights. I honked desperately. He hits me, looks out the window and says "I see no damage" and drives away. FML

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By hrs220 - 21/5/2016 21:55 - United States - Lake Zurich

Today, I gave a presentation for my final on class. While I was giving the speech my shirt strap broke. I ended up flashing everyone including the teacher. At least I got an A. FML

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By UhOh - 8/7/2011 20:38 - United States

Today, after weeks of drinking my mom's vodka and replacing it with water, it now only tastes like water. She has a habit of drinking on Fridays. Today is Friday. My life is a ticking time bomb. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 09:53 - France

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. Boom, headshot. FML

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By clo_bo - 30/8/2019 20:00

Today, I saw a message on my boyfriend's phone from one of his friends, saying I was a downgrade from his ex. FML

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By hatinthelife - 18/2/2012 06:34 - United States

Over and out

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend of six months that giving another guy a blow job IS cheating. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2010 01:27 - United States

Today, I found out my 19 year old daughter is pregnant. The father is a toss up between my 45 year-old best friend, and the 30 year old guy who cleans our pool. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2011 21:15 - United States

Today, I was released from jail. I had helped a three year old girl get up after falling on a wet floor at the mall last night when the security guards tasered me. Only this morning did they tell me they had mistaken me for a child molester that looks a little bit like me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2011 16:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a bar with some friends when my wife texted me asking where I was. Not wanting her to know I was at a bar, I told her I was still at work. She was sitting in the booth behind me. FML

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By P DarklyKira - 6/5/2020 17:00

Broken bum

Today, marks the 29th day since I missed my haemorrhoid surgery. They told me to wait because it's not life threatening and so that I don't get the virus going to the hospital, which I understand. The problem is, even though I take suppositories, it hurts badly and bleed each time I have to take a shit. FML

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By Username - 13/12/2010 18:10 - United States

Today, while taking a shower, I was enthusiastically singing one of my favorite songs. When I got out, I noticed a bunch of things missing, and a note on my desk saying "shut the f*ck up, you suck." I was robbed and judged by a thief. FML

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By Satan's Lil elf - 14/1/2019 14:00

Today, I broke my mirror off going to the drive-through at McDonald's. Even the cashier watching was like, "Fuck, dude." FML

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By PCJJacket - 5/5/2014 17:30 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend while my parents were out. After they got home, my dog brought out our used condom. FML

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By Colleen - 18/1/2009 23:14 - United States

Today, I bought a party bowl of Bud Light for a get-together. Around midnight, I realized that I didn't have the tap to get the beer out. Fifty-five cans of untappable beer and no more beer money. FML

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By VaveJessop - 5/5/2020 20:00

Torn

Today, my 19-year-old best friend decided she's going to elope with her 30-year-old, alcoholic boyfriend, who she's only been dating for 5 months. She wants me to go with her and be her maid of honor. She says she'll never speak to me again if I don't support her terrible decision. FML

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By confusedandnowsingle - 28/6/2013 12:23 - Finland - Espoo

Today, my boyfriend's proposal speech somehow ended with him breaking up with me. FML

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By oops - 11/5/2015 16:40 - United States - Lutherville Timonium

Today, I wore a pair of shorts a size too big while doing laundry. When I ordered a pizza afterwards and answered the door, I realized I looked a little heavy, so I sucked in my stomach. My shorts fell to the ground in front of the delivery guy. FML

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By recmonty - 17/5/2012 03:53 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, in a training class, I got to see a picture of what can happen when a man does not wear a safety harness correctly. For those of you who are unaware, male body parts are easily severed by loose straps. I cannot un-see that picture. It wasn't even a harness safety class. FML

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Top comments

By Inked2009 | 0

#379424 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 19:51

YDI for handing your cellphone to someone you didn't know.

By shamwowz | 0

#379408 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 19:49

you were flirting with an asshole.

COMMENTS

By vcjesusfreak | 0

#379407 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 19:49

Sorry but I laughed when I read this one.

Reply

lolownedimo | 0

#379672 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 21:10

YDI

Reply

fugachumi | 0

#3169572 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 1:01

So this is an an iPod touch? Those things fucking suck!!!!

Reply

danthehuman | 29

#5995438 - Wednesday 2 July 2014 13:59

Doesn't say what it is.

By shamwowz | 0

#379408 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 19:49

you were flirting with an asshole.

Reply

Brandibaddass | 0

#964070 - Friday 19 March 2010 10:01

L/-

By Inked2009 | 0

#379424 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 19:51

YDI for handing your cellphone to someone you didn't know.

Reply

Urbanchiller | 0

#3943825 - Thursday 26 January 2012 4:14

its better to steal the phone now rather than later on a date, including the car keys, and your purse.

By nevershoutmaith | 0

#379427 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 19:52

and THAT is why i don't let people touch my phone hahaha
that sucks though

By thabeast | 0

#379428 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 19:52

Classy guy... very classy

By Malexhe | 0

#379440 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 19:53

YDI, why the hell would you hand your cell phone to someone you just met?

By luvmuffin12 | 0

#379443 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 19:54

awww that sucks! wat an asshole

By TheElfThatLied | 0

#379445 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 19:54

That was kinda funny, sorry. These are things you should know about. Like, when someone asks you 'do you have the time on your phone?' Say NO! They'll just mug it off you. Next time, make a guy dictate their number to you, it just makes sense. FYL but YDI too.

Reply

Bart_Oranje | 0

#379652 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 21:01

You don't have to hand your phone to them if they ask you the time :| Just tell them, I find nothing wrong with asking people the time. I do it all the time.

By abbvest | 0

#379448 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 19:55

who cares if you were holding a tray of food...you should have dropped it and ran

By crazysk8guy | 0

#379449 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 19:55

that's why u scream STRANGER DANGER!!!