Love: Today, well, last night, I told my girlfriend that I'm a light... - FML

By titou - France

Today, well, last night, I told my girlfriend that I'm a light sleeper, and that the slightest disturbance will wake me up. As a result, this morning when I looked in the mirror I noticed a bunch of stuff written all over my body, like "You see, you didn't wake up!", "Nor now!". FML

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Triage

Serious times

A boy can dream

By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, I was playing hide and seek with my eight year old cousin. For the past two turns, he had been hiding in the bathroom. I saw the bathroom lights on, yet again, and opened the door with a triumphant "AHA!" It was my Grandma, taking a smelly dump. FML

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By Nchristine - United States

Today, I came home to find my dad had backed into my already crappy car. The reason they didn't buy me a nicer car in the first place was they were afraid I'd wreck it. FML

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By firstdategonebad - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went on a coffee date with the man I've been in love with for a while. Before I knew what was going on, he'd started chatting up a pretty girl sitting nearby. I had to drink my coffee alone while he got her number. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my brother joked that our dog was more attractive than I was. I looked to my mom for support, and she said "Well, she is pure bred." FML

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By saywhat - United States

Today, I met the girl who dumped me because the distance between us was too great. We're in the same city again. She's now dating a Marine in Iraq. FML

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By pass_the_tp - United States

Today, I was at the movie theatre. I went to the bathroom, and was about to wipe my butt when I realized that where the toilet-paper dispenser should have been, there was a large hole. The woman in the next stall waved. FML

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By Kalaina - France

Today, I received a three-time forwarded message which I thought would turn out to be a random chain message. Turns out my boyfriend didn't want to send me the "break-up text" himself and figured it would get to me eventually after sending it to all my best friends. FML

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By Courtney - United States

Today, I couldn't figure out what was worse: accidentally dropping my car keys into the bottom of a filthy park lake, or getting a fishhook through my toenail in an attempt to retrieve them. FML

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By Anonymous - Austria - Vienna

Today, my boyfriend canceled our date last-minute. He claimed he had no time because he had to iron his towels. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brandon

Today, at Walmart, I overheard a lady telling a teenage girl that the secret to keeping a guy for life is giving him anal, but that it's important to clean your "shitter" beforehand. I can't believe these kinds of sick freaks actually exist. FML

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By nipman - United States

Today, my grandpa who is staying with us mistook me for a Japanese soldier and started to hit me with a bat. This is the second night in a row. FML

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By ThatGirl - United States

Today, an idiot decided it would be fun to light up a firecracker in front of our house. It ended with firetrucks, a black yard, and yet somehow the weeds survived. FML

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By Awkward - France

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, claiming moving in was a bad idea and he is the type who needs his privacy. It was his idea to move in, he had to convince me. Now we are stuck, under lease together for the next 6 months. FML

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By dazedandconfused - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States

Happy Holidays!

Today, everyone from my job showed up for work because our boss demanded that we have a team meeting before half of the company leaves for the holidays. Everyone showed up except my boss, who is apparently already in Hawaii vacationing until New Year's. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad decided to clean out my car and "accidentally" threw away my $520 tax refund check. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Canterbury

Today, I made my first snowman ever, and then cried when my big brother kicked it to pieces. I'm 27. FML

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By Ouch - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I broke my leg. My mom told me I still have to go to tennis class tomorrow because the course isn't refundable. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, my husband and I told my parents that I finally managed to conceive. My mom burst into tears of joy and said how great it was that she's finally going to be a "real" grandma, all within earshot of our adopted and now-devastated daughter. FML

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By Anonymous

He's still got it

Today, my dad got drunk at a party and flashed me and my friends. FML

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By educatttiiioonnn - United States

Today, I made exactly 400 flashcards of my vocab that I had to memorize. It took me over 3 hours to make them and hours to remember them. Proud of myself, I showed them to my friends. Then my friends notified me I had memorized the wrong section. FML

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By Anonymous - Bangladesh - Dhaka

Today, days after I broke up with my girlfriend, my dad tried to make her feel better by inviting her to our family BBQ next weekend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mountain View

Today, my fiancée said that our relationship is doomed because an astrologer said so. We only have a few more days until our wedding and she won't listen to a word I say. FML

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By zzyx - United States

Today, there was a fire alarm in my dorm. Just as I was leaving my room, a lady in the hallway told me that it was a drill and they'd be inspecting rooms, so I would need to leave my door unlocked. When I came back, my room was trashed and my laptop, speakers, and jewelry were gone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fresno

Today, I walked into my house with my friend, only to discover my husband half-naked and yelling at the TV screen over a soccer game. By half-naked, I mean he was only wearing a shirt. FML

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By cheap - France - Toulouse

Today, I celebrated my 22nd birthday. On my cake stood last year's "21" candle, to which had been added a single candle. Clearly, times are tough. FML

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By angry girlfriend - Canada - Montreal

Today, I found out via Facebook status that my boyfriend is going to Hawaii with a group of friends, including his ex-girlfriend for a few weeks. When I confronted him about it, he said he didn't think I needed to know, and to mind my own business. I think I'm about to be single. FML

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By ronboy - United States - Columbus

Today, I decided to be responsible and call a cab to take my drunk ass home from the bar. As I climbed into the cab, I was quickly pulled back out and had the shit beaten out of me by a group of drunk guys who thought they needed the ride more. The police soon arrived and arrested us all. FML

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By Baby - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I was having sex with an ex when he whispered in my ear, "Who's my baby?" I, being very bad at dirty talk, said, "You." FML

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By mollyeyers - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. According to his Facebook, he had a new girlfriend 16 seconds later. FML

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By CriminalMistake - United States

Today, I was leaving a campus parking garage. Suddenly, a huge man appeared behind me and kept saying "HEY!" "STOP!" In a gruff voice. I picked up my pace and so did he. I finally turned to him with a can of mace and threatened to use it. He was trying to return the $5 bill I dropped. FML

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By Will this stupid fad ever end? - United States

Today, instead of actually teaching us something, our college professor excitedly showed us the godawful Harlem Shake video he made with his friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 17:01 - Netherlands

Night terrors

Today, at 2 a.m. I heard a noise coming from the living room. I thought somebody must be breaking in, so I had to save my cats. When I opened the door, all I could see was the only plant I owned, all over the room. The cats just greeted me with a friendly purr, like they were happy I was joining them in their sandbox. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my job application for McDonald's was rejected. This is the second time. FML

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By thanksbro - United States

Today, I came home from school and ran to the nearest bathroom to go #2. In my hurry, I forgot to shut the door so I asked my older brother who was walking by to close it for me. After a while he didn't respond, so I looked up to see not my brother, but his best friend watching me take a crap. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my girlfriend got her wisdom teeth removed. I really want to help her out while she recovers, but her swollen cheeks combined with her natural buck teeth keep making me crack up every time I see her. I can't help it and I'm now in the doghouse. FML

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By Moe - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to my flat after a night on the town and staying at my girlfriend's. My flat was flooded. I had been sick in the sink and left the tap on all night. FML

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By Anonymous

They'll hear you coming

Today, I was diagnosed with exercise-induced asthma. I wanted to be a cop. FML

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By Stuckinbed

Hippity hoppity

Today, after I'd had hip surgery, my sister thought it would be hilarious to hide my crutches from me. I can't find them. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Kilkelly

Today, my dad introduced me to my half-sister. He'd only recently found out that he had another daughter by another woman, and had only just met her. She and I have been in the same class in school for the past three years. FML

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By stepmom - Australia

Today, I explained to my 5 year old daughter that her older sister from my husband's first marriage lives with her mommy, and my daughter lives with us. She exclaimed, "It's not fair! I want two mommies like she has! Can we swap, I like her mommy better than you anyway!" FML

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Top comments

By bexox | 0

#8112 - Friday 27 February 2009 0:01

"Nor now"
She also speaks with excellent grammar! When is the last time I heard the word "nor"? lol

By GhettoWangstuh | 0

#801 - Monday 9 February 2009 7:13

omg how is this on fmylife.com?! thats so cute

COMMENTS

By GhettoWangstuh | 0

#801 - Monday 9 February 2009 7:13

omg how is this on fmylife.com?! thats so cute

By ohno_fml | 0

#1257 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 7:05

aw fuck she has a sense of humor.
you should be happy dude

Reply

ilovefatcats | 12

#976021 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 23:33

HAHAHAHA
BAHAHAHA
WAHAHAH
...
I peed a little
-_-

By bexox | 0

#8112 - Friday 27 February 2009 0:01

"Nor now"
She also speaks with excellent grammar! When is the last time I heard the word "nor"? lol

Reply

CameronJak | 0

#2380084 - Wednesday 20 April 2011 22:56

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

brittanyrmh_ | 12

#5169597 - Wednesday 21 November 2012 7:34

53 - Do you want a fucking medal, or...?

Reply

mikuxxhatsune | 31

#6381398 - Saturday 15 August 2015 10:48

No they deserve a trophy and to receive a Nobel award.

By Lizo_fml | 0

#14419 - Wednesday 4 March 2009 16:45

That is AWESOME!!

By HyperFlirt | 0

#20997 - Sunday 8 March 2009 6:41

That is simply amazing! XD She's a keeper.

By AcessDenied | 0

#25218 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 23:25

omg your girl's awesomesauce with a side of ftw sammich.

I would totally love it if that happened to me. But, of course, not permanent marker. I'd probably be in a lot of trouble with any job interviews I got with 'NOT NOW' written across my forehead.

By FeelMuchBetter | 0

#25454 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 0:56

Your gf is hilarious! Marry her!

By Sofa_King | 0

#31982 - Sunday 15 March 2009 0:06

I just fell in love with your girlfriend :D cutest thing ever!

By harley07babe | 0

#34065 - Monday 16 March 2009 5:08

Aww! So cute!!

By ImALiar_XD | 0

#37020 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 8:29

your girlfriend is brilliant.