Today, I woke up next to a beautiful, half-naked brunette in... - FML

By Jonathan

Today, I woke up next to a beautiful, half-naked brunette in my bed. Two minutes later, my alarm clock woke me up for real. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Whatthefuckaburger

Goodbye Bill

By Anonymous - Switzerland - Saint Gallen

Today, I happily told my parents that my boyfriend proposed to me last night. My dad's response? "Marry that goofy bastard and you're out of the will." FML

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By Anonymous

Take a number

Today, the guy I've been flirting with for a week, and would be meeting in two days, sent me a message that he wouldn't be able to text me this evening because he'll be on a date. FML

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By zks

Today, I received yet more mail for my ex-fiancé. We've been broken up for nearly a year and I've told him multiple times to change his address. Getting his mail is a constant reminder that I haven't dated since. FML

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By shelookslikemiley - Australia

Today, I can't go on watching season 8 of The Big Bang Theory, not because of the steady decline of the show's quality, but because I can't stand Penny's new haircut. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2020 14:00

This is going well

Today, my husband is so bored with speaking to me, he literally walked outside when I was mid-sentence during a conversation about how I need more attention in our relationship. We've only been married 3 months. FML

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By thanksmom - United States

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. She stole my wallet. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me from a payphone because he lost his phone at the airport. When I texted his phone to get a response from someone who stole it [because it was still on whenever I called], I received a message back saying, "Love the pics. Send more ;]" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Shelby

Today, I stayed in a hotel near the college I was applying for a scholarship. We were eating breakfast and there were some other applicants in the breakfast room. As we walked away, my mother yelled, "My daughter's gonna get this scholarship so there's no reason for you muddafuckas to show up." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my mother in-law's flight home is canceled, and that she's staying three more days. FML

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By Mustache - 3/11/2020 14:02 - Austria

Bushy

Today, I was on my way to meet my partner's parents for the first time. Although I was in a rush, I managed to hop into the shower and shave. I now have a cut on my upper lip. I'm a woman. FML

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By handlin - Mexico

Today, after 8 years, I confessed one of my best friends I've been in love with him since we were kiddies. His answer was "Don't worry, I won't stop talking to you." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Niles

Today, my mother had to ask me when my birthday was, because she gets it confused with the day she bought our old car. FML

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By notyouraverage

Today, I was doing a PowerPoint presentation in front of my whole class, when I accidentally clicked on the folder that has zillions of pictures of my crush. He's one of my classmates. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, I dove head-first underneath my garage door, narrowly missing both the sensor and the closing door, executing a perfect roll, and popping back up onto my feet unscathed. My smugness went through the floor as I remembered I'd left my keys back in the house. FML

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By Tiny - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I had to sit through yet another one of my mom's, "You need to grow and gain some weight!" rants. I'm 22 and she doesn't believe me when I tell her I'm done growing. I'm pretty sure I'm not getting past 5'2". FML

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By punchedhelper - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I saw an old man struggling with three bags, so I offered to carry them for him. He must not have heard me because when I bent down to take the bags, he thought I was stealing them and punched me in the face. FML

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By ALO - 21/1/2020 05:00 - United States - Bossier City

Married life

Today, I found out my husband of 7 years has been cheating on me with "10-15" people. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2020 16:58

The virus claims another victim

Today, I ran out of woodworking masks. I can't get a new one because of COVID. The cotton ones don't stop any of the dangerous particles, and now I have a cough. Screw COVID-19. FML

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By INeedaNewJob - United States - Kent

Today, my wife received a $15,000 bonus from her work. I got a backpack from mine. FML

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By lbailey32 - United States - Seneca Falls

Today, my boyfriend decided the best way to inform me of his shoplifting tendencies was to steal stuff while we were at Starbucks. FML

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By Anonymous

Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

Today, I went to pick up my last paycheck, since I was fired last week. My boss said he wasn't going to give it to me. I told him it's illegal not to, and he told me with a shit-eating grin, "What are you gonna do? Arrest me?" FML

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By 3 More Months - United States - Stanford

Today, I got paired up with a coworker for a three-month project. All he talks about is how attractive my girlfriend is and what he would do with her. FML

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By Strainer - United States - San Francisco

Today, I strained so hard trying to take a crap that I broke a blood vessel in my eye. FML

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By i_am_forever - United States - San Francisco

Today, my daughter was putting clothes in the drier when she yelled, "Mom!! The drier won't start!" I had to explain to her that the door needed to be shut. Her response, "Oh. I didn't know that mattered." She's 15. FML

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By Dumbfounded - United States - Padre Island Ntl Seashor

Today, my wife yelled at me for admitting I take my wedding ring off at work. I explained that I work in a chemistry lab and don't want to damage it. She laughed and said, "Oh please, that chemistry stuff is nonsense anyway." All while reading her horoscope. FML

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By LemonLearn - United States - New York

Today, I walked in on my brother completely naked from the waist down. I wouldn't have cared if he wasn't masturbating using my lingerie. FML

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By youngsamoo92 - United States - Houston

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate when she pulled me in close and whispered in my ear, "We're getting Chips Ahoy after this." I came. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I fainted. Instead of stopping to help, some guy stopped to draw a penis on my forehead. The EMT laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I spent all day and last night in the bathroom. The seafood I'd been keeping in the refrigerator apparently had gone bad, and is now intent on finding its every possible route to the Great Porcelain Whirlpool. FML

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By RKE - United States

Today, I went to our school golf banquet, after being with the team and practicing every day for a few months with them. When it came time to get the certificates, all the names were called out. Except for mine. When I asked the coach where my certificate was, he said "Who are you?". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, as I was perusing old photos with my mother, I found one of her with a "childhood friend" at her wedding to my dad. Now I know where my green eyes and blotchy neck birthmark came from, and it's not from the man I’ve been calling "dad" for 40 years. FML

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By adalia - United Kingdom

Today, I was telling my dad about plans to go out late for a few drinks next week. My dad started his usual "YOU COULD GET RAPED!" lecture, before my brother sprang to my defence, "It's not like she's what they're after, is she?" Apparently, rapists are out of my league. FML

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By can't wait to go home - Trinidad and Tobago - Port-of-spain

Today, I lost an art contest to some talentless arsepipe whose piece was literally just a broken heart crudely drawn in her own blood. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Wrong question

Today, my girlfriend and I were having ice cream and I jokingly asked, "What's better? The sex or ice cream?" Apparently, I don't pleasure her like Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream does. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Greenville

Today, while wearing a sexy pair of undies for my partner and taking him out on a nice dinner, I trusted a fart walking from the car to the restaurant and shit myself. FML

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By daughterofanazi - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over to my parents' house for dinner. My dad made Holocaust jokes the entire time. My boyfriend is Jewish. FML

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By Dee - United States

Today, I was at a party at the house of the guy I really like. We were talking when he pulled me into his room. I was excited he was finally taking our friendship to the next level, until he handed me a stick of deodorant, saying "I didn't wanna tell you in the hallway, but you really need this." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was waiting at an intersection. Across from me, a car was approaching and a bunny ran out. Trying to save it, I flashed my lights and beeped at the car crazily, when the bunny turned around. The lights turned, and as I drove forward the bunny came back out and I hit it. FML

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By NotFunny - United States

Today, I missed my bus by a minute. I called up my step dad asking him if he can drive me because I had a test first period. After about calling him twenty times, and him not picking up, I see him drive by the bus stop pointing at me and laughing hysterically. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend was really stressed about a guy he works with being a jerk. I told him "if you ignore something long enough, it won't bother you anymore." His response was "I've ignored my herpes for a long time but it still bothers me." We've been having sex for 3 months now. FML

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Top comments

By kirstyfaerie | 0

#17627 - Friday 6 March 2009 5:35

only half naked?
you're not very ambitious.

By birchofacookie | 0

#184407 - Sunday 10 May 2009 5:24

That's weird. Today, I was having sex on a boat with a hot brunette. Then, I woke up.
And Samus slapped me.

COMMENTS

By blahh12 | 0

#10793 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:16

lmao, this is hilarious

By kirstyfaerie | 0

#17627 - Friday 6 March 2009 5:35

only half naked?
you're not very ambitious.

Reply

TheButler | 0

#654188 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 17:07

lolz haha

Reply

Wicked_909 | 0

#1197968 - Friday 6 August 2010 11:06

i know right YDI for being negative don't look at the girls as half naked but be positive n think full naked n STD free

By Tenma_Hakase | 0

#23921 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 5:02

This is totally an FML, like the time I woke up to a dick in my ass, lol.

By whoretool | 0

#27901 - Thursday 12 March 2009 8:23

#4's got it. whered your nuts go?

By ludachrisZ | 0

#68942 - Monday 30 March 2009 3:45

lmfaooooooooo #5.

CHUBBY CHASERS WOOT WOOT!

By avely4 | 0

#98910 - Friday 10 April 2009 14:22

#5 - cut me in for some of that gay love :D

By ZH13 | 0

#130894 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 23:33

lolz @ #5

By 24788 | 6

#148510 - Monday 27 April 2009 21:35

Lol, at least you can undress her with your mind.

Reply

thatonek1d | 0

#1029324 - Sunday 13 June 2010 9:50

^kinky shit!

By birchofacookie | 0

#184407 - Sunday 10 May 2009 5:24

That's weird. Today, I was having sex on a boat with a hot brunette. Then, I woke up.
And Samus slapped me.

By shanyo | 0

#220894 - Friday 22 May 2009 20:00

What's with all the talk of gay loving?? Though come to think of it, I'm kinda curious now!