Miscellaneous: Today, it was my boyfriend's 24th birthday. His friends were... - FML

By ilikecake - United Arab Emirates

Today, it was my boyfriend's 24th birthday. His friends were throwing him a surprise party and I was in charge of getting his birthday cake. As a joke, I got it in the shape of a penis, with a graphic marzipan design. Funny, I never knew his overly-conservative parents were invited. FML

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Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Vulture

Healthcare is broken

By Anonymous

You wanker!

Today, my brother arrived at the cabin we’re staying at on a trip. He insisted he got the bed I chose. My father responded, "You wouldn’t want the bed if you knew what he did in it last night." I laughed until I realized there's a mirror where he could've easily seen "what I did last night." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was diagnosed with depression. My girlfriend's idea of consoling me was to break up with me because she can't date a "psycho". FML

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By thedri11 - United States - Oxnard

Today, I was so broke I went to Costco, not to buy anything, but to eat their free food samples. FML

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By Snurkles McGree - Canada

Today, my racist grandmother was complaining that the new nurse at her nursing home is a black woman. I casually asked, "Is she cute?" I'm now out of the will. FML

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By lfssecond - United States

Today, while arriving at my best friend's wedding, I accidentally ran over her 2 dogs. FML

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By Mark - United States

Today, I started my new job as a janitor at a store. The first thing that happened when I came in was another employee telling me that there was vomit in the restroom, and that I had to clean it up. Not only did I clean up vomit, I had to clean up the poop that made the kid puke in the first place. FML

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By JK710 - United States

Today, I discovered that the hearing in my left ear is still good. I haven't been able to hear that well out of it for 2 weeks and I thought I popped an eardrum and waited for it to heal. I stuck a Q-Tip in there to clean it out. Turns out there was actually a dead fly in my ear. For 2 weeks. FML

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By jhftrainer23 - United States

Today, the woman I'm training at work asked, while staring intently at the keyboard, "now, which one of these buttons is the space-bar again?" She is 80 years old, types about 1 word per minute, and I have just one week to get her completely trained. FML

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By yeetyeet - United States - Whitehall

Today, we were taking a bio quiz and I understood the subject, so the people sitting behind me asked me to help them out. Being a kind fellow classmate, I did. When the teacher got suspicious, she asked the class, "How are all of you getting the same answers?" everyone pointed directly at me. FML

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By dtack2tack - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend cheated on me with his boss so he could get a promotion and "provide" for us. This from the guy who made me quit my job because he said he made enough money to support us both. FML

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By iwillcutyou - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Charming

Today, as I was working in retail, this guy shoved me into the shelves for asking if he needed help with anything, screaming at me that I need to leave him alone. FML

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By jeed(1) - France - Marseille

Today, at work, I stepped out for a few minutes to use the bathroom. Shortly after returning, I found out the hard way that one of my coworkers had used my computer to send a profanity-filled email to our boss, calling him an asshole and telling him to go fuck himself. I'm now jobless. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2020 02:01

Send virtual hugs

Today, I'm jealous of people who get to hug. My mom has banned hugs in the house because of COVID-19, and the only person I've hugged in the last 6 months is my boyfriend. He's been away for work for the past month and a half. FML

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By rook - United States

Today, my parents tried to convince me to get a divorce. My wife and I are perfectly fine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that I was conceived during a conjugal visit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the park with my autistic son when I noticed a teenage girl imitating him by flapping her hands and walking on her toes. Fed up with children mocking my son, I went over and sternly lectured the girl's mother. Turns out, her daughter is autistic too and will be in my son's class. FML

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By oops - United States - San Francisco

Today, I wanted to try seducing my boyfriend by having nothing but a t-shirt on for when he'd get back from work. He came home, saw me, apologized bashfully for failing to knock first, and went back outside. FML

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By Loveless - United States

Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marry him doesn't mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML

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By filipkm - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, I heard on television that a body was found in my city's water reservoir. Word is that it was dead for over a week. I've been drinking and showering with that water. FML

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By JLoRd - United States

Today, I asked the girl I like if she wanted to go to the movies, she said yes and I said I'd let her pick the movie. She picked the movie, "Just Friends". FML

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By theultimatesalonfail - United States

Today, a girl came into my salon to permanently straighten her really long and curly hair. After several long hours, I went to the counter to charge her. She ran out faster than an Olympic runner. FML

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By asthmasucks - United States

Today, due to the heat, I had a deadly asthma attack. Where was my inhaler? My dad pawned it for beer money. What did my dad do about my attack? Told me to quit being a Drama Queen. I had to go across the street and beg for a ride to the ER from my neighbor. FML

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By robotchickens - United States

Today, while on the bus, an old man told me about all the many things he wanted to do with my various orifices. FML

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By taptheturtle - United States

Today, I was waiting in the lobby of a modeling agency for my interview to be a potential model and I was next in line. They called "NEXT!" and I walked in with a smile on my face. They stared at my face for a moment and then started yelling "NEXT". FML

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By OhLovely - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I found out that my over-controlling parents would be moving in next door. I'm almost 23, and moved 5,365 KM away to get away from them. FML

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By 0stvn0 - Canada

Today, my doctor booked me in for an STD test. I was feeling confident until he explained it will involve having a catheter inserted into my piss pipe. He shook his head sadly and said: "Gonna be honest, Steve, the pain's beyond belief." Great. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my school had to make an official announcement that students were not permitted to go home due to Zayn Malik leaving One Direction because so many girls were claiming they couldn't focus on school with such a dramatic event occurring. FML

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By no, oh god no

Babe, I am your father.

Today, it was only as my boyfriend met my dad for the first time that I realised how alike they are. Same opinions, same dress sense, same moustache and beard, same height and body shape, similar jobs and cars, and they support the same rugby team. They got on like a house on fire as soon as they met. FML

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By Jacobro - United States

Today, I bought a mini tracking device to attach to my wallet to keep me from losing it. Unfortunately, before I could put batteries in the tracking device, I lost it. FML

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By sadmommy - United States - Keller

Today, I discovered that last night, my son snuck downstairs at 3am, drank two glasses of my very expensive wine, threw up on his bed, and then slept in his own vomit. My son is 14. FML

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By shocked - United States

Today, my "future" wife got drunk in front of my parents, who she was meeting for the first time. She called my dad a piece of shit and told my mom she wants to tear her own eyes out. FML

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By Dear Lord Save Me - United Kingdom - Merthyr Tydfil

Today, I was shopping with my dad and I saw one of my guy friends, so we waved and smiled at each other. My dad clearly thought his wave was too "romantic", because he shouted at him, "Touch her, and I'll kill you." FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, someone whistled, so I turned around. The guy behind me then said, "Did you seriously think that it was meant for you?" FML

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By Username

Today, a woman laughed after hearing my voice for the first time. This happens whenever I meet someone new, without fail. FML

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By JustADream - United States

Today, I woke up and went to the bathroom and took a massive piss. Then I actually woke up, well and truly soaked. FML

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By BroadcitySF - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was mugged while changing my tampon. The mugger took everything, including the fresh tampon. FML

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By Just an Exam - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on his final exam. I confronted him after class by jokingly asking, "If you cheated on a test, would you cheat on me?" Turns out that yes, yes he would, and he did. FML

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By fuck - United Kingdom - Farnham

Today, I was browsing porn in my room, when my dad barged in. I quickly switched to another tab, only to see it was parked on another porn page. I had another browser window open, so I switched to that. More porn. My dad said, "Riiiggghhhttt... You need help, son." FML

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By wtf - United States - Fairfield

Today, my best friend was walking next to her crush, so I pushed her into him gently as a joke. She ended up stepping on his foot, which caused him to fall and crack his head against the floor. FML

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By Shooter71 - France

Today, I discovered my wife has had more sex in the last two months than I've had in the last year. FML

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Top comments

By choppedNskrewed | 0

#242559 - Friday 29 May 2009 20:05

Hahahaha you deserved it. Who wants to eat a penis cake? Are you not eating enough of his penis already?

By dancing_bear | 0

#242561 - Friday 29 May 2009 20:05

I think it was reasonable to assume they weren't coming if his friends were organising the party. That's very, very awkward.

COMMENTS

By Atreyu_Love | 0

#242547 - Friday 29 May 2009 20:03

HAHA :)

By choppedNskrewed | 0

#242559 - Friday 29 May 2009 20:05

Hahahaha you deserved it. Who wants to eat a penis cake? Are you not eating enough of his penis already?

Reply

xFIRMbutGENTLEx | 0

#1242948 - Sunday 15 August 2010 4:03

my mates pulled this bull crap on ne once. But it was a very nice tasting cake :D

Reply

dabears1011234 | 27

#6021470 - Monday 28 July 2014 8:08

Did she not expect his parents to come?

By dancing_bear | 0

#242561 - Friday 29 May 2009 20:05

I think it was reasonable to assume they weren't coming if his friends were organising the party. That's very, very awkward.

By yer_maw | 0

#242562 - Friday 29 May 2009 20:05

hahaha this sounds just like that episode of Friends...
anyway, you should've checked who was going YDI

By Gabe411036 | 0

#242563 - Friday 29 May 2009 20:06

YDI why ruin someones birthday with a penis

By WildClown | 0

#242573 - Friday 29 May 2009 20:08

A penis cake for your 24 year old bf? What are you 12?

That shit stopped being funny in high school.

Reply

capslockisgood | 19

#5356136 - Wednesday 6 February 2013 4:02

12 year olds in high school

By rukusrazor | 0

#242574 - Friday 29 May 2009 20:09

#2 - DIAF!

I again call on my FML Staff pals to please help in showing these assclowns which way the bonfire is so they can DIAF. Maybe enlist a 3 strikes policy?

ANYWAYS...
I personally think the penis cake is HILARIOUS. He's 24 years old for christ's sake. He can tell his parents it's a joke and to chill the fuck out, and if he can't.. Is that something you want in your life?

By tWitt3rBuG | 0

#242584 - Friday 29 May 2009 20:11

That's pretty stupid. Epic Fail!

By peopleplz2008 | 0

#242588 - Friday 29 May 2009 20:12

agree with #8

By yep_me_again | 0

#242589 - Friday 29 May 2009 20:12

hilarious! you don't deserve it!