Miscellaneous: Today, it was my boyfriend's 24th birthday. His friends were... - FML

By ilikecake - United Arab Emirates

Today, it was my boyfriend's 24th birthday. His friends were throwing him a surprise party and I was in charge of getting his birthday cake. As a joke, I got it in the shape of a penis, with a graphic marzipan design. Funny, I never knew his overly-conservative parents were invited. FML

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Proactive

Property law

Do as I say, not as I do

By Anonymous - United States - Baltimore

Today, I visited my girlfriend's apartment for the first time. I guess she forgot to do some spring cleaning before I showed up, because I saw my laptop on her couch. The same laptop that was stolen from my house along with several other valuables last week. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2020 08:02

Take care

Today, after close to 10 years of marriage, my wife’s health has improved enough she is craving sex again. Just not with me. FML

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By not a jesse pinkman joke - United States - Princeton

Today, my dad turned up drunk to an intervention for my brother's drug addiction. FML

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By bloodymatzaball - United States

Today, while I was at work, I heard one of my employees laughing on the phone. I told him to shut up and get back to work. Turns out he was actually crying because his father had just died. FML

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By Anonymous - Spain - Ripollet

Absolute beginners

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to make love for the first time. The moment my bra came off, he started hyperventilating to the point of blacking out. So much for that. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Oslo

Today, I was really impressed with the man I've been in a relationship with for over 2 years. He had finally really cleaned his apartment. Everything was washed and fixed, even my stuff was cleared from open surfaces. All so his lover would not find out about me. FML

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By Peekaboo - United States

Today, I learned that the "If I can't see you, you can't see me." rule is entirely false. Just because I can't initially see my creepy neighbor, doesn't mean he isn't watching me change my clothes through the blinds. FML

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By Wreet - United States

Today, I went shopping with this girl I like while my girlfriend was busy. We ended up going grocery shopping to make dinner together, and I ran into my girlfriend's parents. FML

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By OH COME ON - United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend on the way to the hospital to tell him I needed stitches, after my brother's dog bit me on the breast. His response? "Pics or it didn't happen." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 23:00

Appearance matters

Today, I tried thinking of the best way to kill myself without leaving my body intact enough for people to continue to judge. FML

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By Miriam

Today, I attended a white elephant party at work and the box I picked had whisky and beer. Since I am a Muslim, I took it to my Christian friend's house and gave it to him. As I was walking there, I passed my imam on the street. Awkward. FML

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By davy0540 - United States

Today, my wife and I drove two hours from our rural town to buy a new sofa. When we got home, it took us an hour to figure out there was no way to fit it through our door. We made the two hour drive back to return it, only to find the store was closed. FML

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By DeadDude

Today, I took my kids to the doctor. In the waiting room, a six year old boy walked up to me, punched me in the crotch, and ran away with my glasses. When the kid's parents made him give me my glasses back, he spat on them. FML

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By fuckthisandfuckthatandfuckyoutoo - United States

Today, I was preparing a customer's meal in my restaurant's kitchen, when I choked on my own saliva and went into a coughing fit. The head chef, who's always hated my guts, accused me of trying to hock a loogie into the meal and fired me on the spot. FML

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By Bilze - United States - Burke

Today, I was reading a book on paper for the first time in maybe a month. I had to stop at a word I did not recognise. Because I'm so used to using a Kindle, I tried to get the definition by pressing it. I had my finger on the word for a few seconds before I realised it was paper. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2020 02:00 - United States

Numb

Today, I noticed that my mom had left the house without her cell phone. I called her phone to let her know she forgot it. FML

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By RBEE - France

Today, my colleague rushed off to the hospital for the birth of his first son. Having met his wife at the Christmas party a couple of years ago, I called to congratulate her. Shame I didn't realize it was his mistress having the baby. Guess who broke the news to the wife. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after having my jaw wired shut for 2 months, I finally got to eat. During the first bite of my sandwich I pulled my jaw out of place. FML

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By Teeny - United States

Today, I was using my fiancé's phone to look up movie times for us. In the internet browser, I found history of him looking on Craigslist for "discreet intimate relationships with women" in our city. We are expecting our little boy in two months. FML

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By Kat - United States

Today, I went out to dinner with my brother. There was a very attractive man sitting a few tables away who kept glancing at me. When my brother excused himself to the bathroom, the man worked up the courage to come over and introduce himself to me. He asked me if my brother was single. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I was walking with the dog. I was throwing a stick in the lake so he could get it (he loves swimming). A friend called me. After I was done calling another friend came by, and we went talking for a while. When my dog barked, I accidentally threw my iPhone in the water instead of his stick. FML

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By fineillpissthebedthen - Denmark - ?lborg

Today, my downstairs neighbours screamed at me for making so much noise that I woke their children up and made them cry. The noise was the sound of a loose floorboard shifting as I crept to my bathroom, and again on my way back to bed. They've sworn to get me evicted. FML

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By jeed(1) - France - Marseille

Today, at work, I stepped out for a few minutes to use the bathroom. Shortly after returning, I found out the hard way that one of my coworkers had used my computer to send a profanity-filled email to our boss, calling him an asshole and telling him to go fuck himself. I'm now jobless. FML

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By paradox - United States

Today, I realized my best friend has had it off in my apartment more times than I have. FML

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By okaythen6 - United States

Today, I showed up on set for a film that I booked a role in weeks ago. At the time of the audition, the script was being rewritten, so today I was so excited and eager to be told what my role would entail. When they handed me the script, my character was described as a fat, ugly, awkward girl. FML

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By took it - United States - Syracuse

Today, while playing a big basketball game, I had to run urgently to the bathroom because of a really hard diarrhea. I took the ball. FML

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By Ah piss - United States

Today, my roommate let me know he "bumped" another car with mine. What he really meant was that I need a new rear quarter panel and the very angry BMW driver he hit has all of my information. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2020 05:03

He's still right, though

Today, my dad snapped at me for assuming that Eminem was the one to come up with the phrase, “Will the real ___ please stand up?” since that was the only time I’ve heard it. Apparently, I “always assume things are modern”. So I asked him where in fact the phrase came from and guess what? He didn’t know. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to formally introduce my girlfriend to my parents. My dad took the opportunity to apologize for walking in on us a few days ago while we were having sex. It wasn't her. Thanks dad. FML

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By leanne - 16/12/2020 17:58 - United States - Denver

Seasons greetings to you too

Today, I said hi to my coworker and she immediately yelled, "Get your gross unwashed hands out of my face!" I wash my hands compulsively and they were nowhere near her face. FML

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By wellcrap - United States - Carrollton

Today, I walked into a really fancy hotel bathroom. I spoke to the attendant and gave her my purse and coat while I used the toilet. When I came out, she was gone. The receptionist informed me they didn't have a bathroom attendant. FML

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By defrauded - United Kingdom - Oban

Today, I bought a textbook for my college class. Not only is the £150 book only sold by our teacher, it turned out to be a piece of shit that he obviously wrote, printed, and stapled together at home. When I went to the faculty about it, I was told it's all perfectly legal, and to drop it. FML

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By dumper - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to go on a first date with this guy I had a crush on for months. It was such a big deal for me cause it was my first date ever. The first thing he says when we met was "I have to take a dump." I sat by myself for 10 minutes. FML

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By thisrllysucks - United States

Today, I was going to ask this girl I love to homecoming. I set up a scavenger hunt, and my friend led her through it. At the end of the scavenger hunt I had a note that said, "Homecoming?" She said yes and hugged my friend. When I told her it was me who was asking, she laughed and said no. FML

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By fatpooch - Canada

Today, my mom decided our whole family is going on a diet. Why? Because the vet told us our dog is overweight, and she "didn't want Twix to suffer alone." FML

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By S. Michaels - United States

Today, I was chatting to a nice girl at the mall, and I said if she didn't get a raise, I would write to the management. She said they have no email address, and I replied that I meant an actual letter. "Like, on paper?" she said, "Damn, how old are ya, pops?" I want a ticket off this planet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, my boss's obese bully of a grandson had a seizure. Being the only physician around, I had to rush in to tend to him. Except it wasn't a seizure as such. My daughter had found my taser and used it on him. FML

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By "smonds13"

Doggone It

Today, my 3-year-old pooped on the floor and blamed it on the dog. How do I know? We don't have a dog. FML

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By guiltyschuldig49 - 25/4/2020 23:00

Boozehound alert

Today, I'm exhausted. For the second time, my fiancé and I have pulled my future sister-in-law off the pavement naked and drunk at 3 a.m. and couldn't find the purse or glasses she had with her. She’s hungover and has completely blacked out what happened. Never again giving her a place to crash. FML

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By Crazy Crazy Crazy - Canada - Burlington

Today, my fiancée called off our wedding, because she found out I had sex with another woman. Three years before we even met. FML

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Top comments

By choppedNskrewed | 0

#242559 - Friday 29 May 2009 20:05

Hahahaha you deserved it. Who wants to eat a penis cake? Are you not eating enough of his penis already?

By dancing_bear | 0

#242561 - Friday 29 May 2009 20:05

I think it was reasonable to assume they weren't coming if his friends were organising the party. That's very, very awkward.

COMMENTS

By Atreyu_Love | 0

#242547 - Friday 29 May 2009 20:03

HAHA :)

By choppedNskrewed | 0

#242559 - Friday 29 May 2009 20:05

Hahahaha you deserved it. Who wants to eat a penis cake? Are you not eating enough of his penis already?

Reply

xFIRMbutGENTLEx | 0

#1242948 - Sunday 15 August 2010 4:03

my mates pulled this bull crap on ne once. But it was a very nice tasting cake :D

Reply

dabears1011234 | 27

#6021470 - Monday 28 July 2014 8:08

Did she not expect his parents to come?

By dancing_bear | 0

#242561 - Friday 29 May 2009 20:05

I think it was reasonable to assume they weren't coming if his friends were organising the party. That's very, very awkward.

By yer_maw | 0

#242562 - Friday 29 May 2009 20:05

hahaha this sounds just like that episode of Friends...
anyway, you should've checked who was going YDI

By Gabe411036 | 0

#242563 - Friday 29 May 2009 20:06

YDI why ruin someones birthday with a penis

By WildClown | 0

#242573 - Friday 29 May 2009 20:08

A penis cake for your 24 year old bf? What are you 12?

That shit stopped being funny in high school.

Reply

capslockisgood | 19

#5356136 - Wednesday 6 February 2013 4:02

12 year olds in high school

By rukusrazor | 0

#242574 - Friday 29 May 2009 20:09

#2 - DIAF!

I again call on my FML Staff pals to please help in showing these assclowns which way the bonfire is so they can DIAF. Maybe enlist a 3 strikes policy?

ANYWAYS...
I personally think the penis cake is HILARIOUS. He's 24 years old for christ's sake. He can tell his parents it's a joke and to chill the fuck out, and if he can't.. Is that something you want in your life?

By tWitt3rBuG | 0

#242584 - Friday 29 May 2009 20:11

That's pretty stupid. Epic Fail!

By peopleplz2008 | 0

#242588 - Friday 29 May 2009 20:12

agree with #8

By yep_me_again | 0

#242589 - Friday 29 May 2009 20:12

hilarious! you don't deserve it!