Today, "The Phantom of the Opera" soundtrack blasted me awake... - FML

By hailey - United States - Bethesda

Today, "The Phantom of the Opera" soundtrack blasted me awake at 4 am. Not knowing how it got on my iPod, I checked and found I had bought the whole $17.00 album in my sleep. This is the second time this month; the first time I downloaded the soundtrack from "The Wizard of Oz". FML

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Small town blues

Dog whisperer

In the zone

By peaaaak - United Kingdom

Today, my dad came round to the house. Looking rather pleased with himself he pulled out his phone, grinned, and chucked it over to me. I glanced at the screen to see a naked woman. He smiled and said "I tapped that last night". FML

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By misc - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 8 months dumped me over the phone in between telling the Subway employees what he wanted on his sandwich. FML

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By MommyLovesMe - United States

Today, I learned why my credit score is so low. My mom stole my identity almost three years ago. Her excuse? "You didn't need good credit for anything anyways". FML

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By Ihatemyfamily - United States - Euless

Today, my brother's high school was having a soccer game against mine, and as a sign of good luck, I told him to "break a leg". He broke mine. FML

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By mulligan - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I'll be moving to a different state in a few months for a new job. He now refers to me as his "girlfriend for now". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I was accused of stealing when I dropped a $20 bill in front of my boss. His logic: I'm too poor to have a $20 bill and there's no way it was a tip, since our customers are "so stingy". It was a tip and it was going to get me through the rest of the month. He won't give it back. FML

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By frame - Canada

Today, I was walking my husky when she saw a cat and bolted toward it. I couldn't let go of the leash because my hand was tangled up. Forced to run along, I ran into a parked van at full sprint. I lost my dog, broke two ribs and have to pay for the dent in the van. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went on a date after months of rejection and loneliness. Everything was going great until my date argued with me over the correct way to pronounce my name. FML

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By rofld - United States

Today, I ran over a newspaper with the lawnmower, instantly volunteering myself to pick up confetti for hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Redmond

Today, I got home from work a little late due to bad traffic. My wife kissed me, then flew into a rage and swore that I had the taste of penis on my lips, accusing me of cheating on her with a guy. Apparently she got this insane "test your man" idea from some Cosmo-type magazine. FML

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By MommyProblems - United States

Today, my 2-year-old son put his hand on my face, gave me a sweet kiss, and put his cheek against mine. Then he slapped me hard enough to leave a mark, laughed, and scrambled away. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my apartment was robbed. The police report said my apartment was ransacked. No it wasn't, that's how looks everyday. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was studying for a final when I noticed all I had was a blue highlighter. I decided to drive to the store to get a yellow one. On the way there, I got $200 worth of traffic tickets for not stopping at a stop sign. I basically spent $200 because I prefer yellow highlighters over blue. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I found out that my obese son, who is on a health-mandated diet and exercise plan, gorges on junk food whenever he has the chance. His logic? "It won't make you fatter if you crap it out." FML

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By So little trust. - Canada - Coaldale

Today, I walked in on my daughter hugging and sobbing into her Edward Cullen cut-out. She won't tell me what's wrong, yet she can confide in a creepy fictional stalker whose facial expression is locked to "chronically constipated". Where did I go wrong? FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Albany

Today, I invited an acquaintance over for tea. When he came in, I told him to make himself at home. He took it literally and now half of my pantry is messed up, my boyfriend's chocolate supply is gone, and I'm pretty sure our couch is broken. Thanks. FML

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By Shavaughn Riley - 31/10/2020 23:03 - New Zealand - Kawerau

Being a parent 101

Today, my girlfriend and I started to be intimate after a run of dry spells. I was looking forward to this, until one of our kids came barging into our room and ruined the moment for the rest of the night. FML

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By Gustav Fjorder - Switzerland

Today, for breakfast, there were scrambled eggs, boiled eggs, bacon, sausages, fresh bread, croissants, brownies, donuts, fruit smoothie, coffee, tea and orange juice. Too bad no one bothered wake me up. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil

Today, I was home alone and it started to rain. It hadn't rained in days so I went out on my balcony and ran around. I felt great until I realized that my door had been swung shut because of the wind, and it had no handle. I had to wait outside in the rain for two hours. FML

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By ohiochibi - United States

Today, I posted a note on Facebook about a weird dream I had about my ex-boyfriend, where I made out with him, then it transitioned into a vampires vs. werewolves battle. My ex private messages me and says there's a better chance of a vampires vs. werewolves battle than us ever making out again. FML

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By galen - United States

Today, I hooked up with a girl from the bar. We went back to my place and started making out, I took off her shirt and bra and started kissing her breasts. I felt her chest hair tickle my tongue. FML

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By deadmedia - Canada

Today, my best friend informed me that I could not be her maid of honour because I "wasn't as pretty as the other bridesmaids" and she wanted her wedding photos to have "consistency". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was telling my friends a story. I added a few "embellishments" to make it more intense. One my friends piped up with, "I was with you, half of what you just said wasn't true". It's now all over Facebook and I'm known as "The Bullshitter". FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I discovered that my wife actually encourages my three year-old son to sleep in our bed, as a buffer against any romantic advances. FML

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By Boyufd - 28/6/2020 02:02

Getting wet, but not in the good way

Today, it's been the fourth day in the row my pregnant girlfriend peed the bed. It's also the fourth day I have to clean it since she's too embarrassed to do it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to log in to my computer on a projector in front of business associates at my dad's architecture firm. I typed in my username and apparently didn't hit the tab key hard enough, so I typed my password in the username box. The entire firm now knows my password is "tits123". FML

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By needtoscratch - United States - Duluth

Today, my dormant eczema decided to come back with a vengeance - on my scrotum. I work in an open office and can't scratch unless I repeatedly run into the restroom. FML

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By Dumbdumb - United States

Today, at work a really hot guy came up to me and asked "what are your hours?" Excited, I told him I get off at 4 but might be able to get out sooner. He started laughing and then said "I meant your store hours". He turned around and walked away, shaking his head and laughing. FML

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By newsgirl - United States

Today, I was interviewed by this TV crew who asked me what I thought of Rhode Island being voted for the second most neurotic state. I thought they said that Rhode Island was the second most erotic state. I commented. FML

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By cheated - United States

Today, my daughter-in-law revealed to me that she caught my husband having an affair with her best friend. This was five years ago, and she is only telling me now because he stopped paying her the blackmail money to keep her mouth shut. FML

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By What’sGoingOn

Awkward...

Today, I accidentally sent a dick pic to my coach instead of my girlfriend. He sent one back. FML

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By doctorsandnurses - United Kingdom

Today, after a hard day on the wards as a trainee doctor, I went home and started getting frisky with my girlfriend. All I could think about was the anatomical names for what I was touching and doing. I felt physically sick. FML

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By disturbed - United States

Today, I got rear-ended at a stoplight by a woman who had been doing her make-up while driving. She didn't get out to see if I was okay until she had finished perfectly applying both lipliner and gloss. FML

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By hello to you too - United States - New York

Today, I met my new 7ft tall and heavily muscular neighbor. Before I could say anything, he greeted me in his really deep voice with, "Excuse me, but is this yours?" He was holding my muddy 3-year-old son, who he'd found in his backyard, by his jumpers like a stuffed cat. FML

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By Ouch - Serbia

Mommy's favorite flower

Today, I learned how it feels when you fall off a second floor balcony with mom's flower pot then landing on your back. My mom got pissed because of her beloved flowers, and gave me a lecture while I rolled on the ground in pain. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while riding to the skate park, I noticed a gorgeous blonde walking towards me. She gave me a smile as I passed so I turned and looked behind me to get a second glance. I rode my BMX straight into a light pole in front of a pub patio full of people. She saw it all. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, someone was getting beat up by 6 guys. When I tried to help, they had a swing at me as well. The cops came when I was enthusiastically defending myself. They got away, I got arrested. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I swerved to miss hitting a kitten, over-corrected, hit and killed the cat, and totaled my truck by hitting a parked car. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I noticed something written on the top of my toaster, so I used a finger to clear away some of the crumbs, burning my finger in the process. The writing? "CAUTION: Hot surface!" Thanks, toaster. FML

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By mayerstexmex69 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, while in class, I was called down to the office. The principal showed me a video of 2 guys fighting in the school parking lot. I'm accused of being one of those guys. I'm a girl. FML

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Top comments

By llamafish | 25

#5233180 - Monday 10 December 2012 12:09

At least you have good taste.

By Psycho_Babydoll | 26

#5233190 - Monday 10 December 2012 12:13

Count your blessing you didn't subconsciously buy the High School Musical soundtrack. That would sting.

COMMENTS

By llamafish | 25

#5233180 - Monday 10 December 2012 12:09

At least you have good taste.

Reply

whoisthisgirl | 4

#5233341 - Monday 10 December 2012 13:07

I have to put in a password every time I buy something.... Is there a option where it isn't needed?

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5233577 - Monday 10 December 2012 15:00

23- sometimes if you buy things close together, it won't ask you multiple times.

Reply

WritingWrongs | 8

#5233582 - Monday 10 December 2012 15:00

It might not be iTunes. Maybe it's Google play or maybe she has the bandcamp app.

Reply

rocker_chick105 | 31

#5233803 - Monday 10 December 2012 16:25

57- I think it's safe to say that OP probably bought it on iTunes....

Reply

randomperson85 | 2

#5236329 - Tuesday 11 December 2012 4:53

OP probably typed the password asleep

Reply

HahaHokayThen | 10

#5236652 - Tuesday 11 December 2012 7:50

In sleep he sang to me, in dreams he came....

Reply

k_ninjaa | 9

#5393720 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 12:10

You have restrictions enabled.

By NandraniDevi | 3

#5233186 - Monday 10 December 2012 12:12

Yea... You might want to look into that... Maybe someone is helping you out with these late night purchases....

Reply

Ryan_Jaxson | 8

#5233602 - Monday 10 December 2012 15:09

Or your latent talent of typing an iTunes password while asleep.

Reply

jokinstan | 4

#5233707 - Monday 10 December 2012 16:04

Agreed op, I doubt that actually happens. Sounds like a very suspicious case of sleep walking. I'd do a little investigating.

Reply

spekledworf | 18

#5234134 - Monday 10 December 2012 18:12

I've done something like this once, except I spent over $200 on Amazon, buying a combination of apocalypse survival gear and makeup. I think my sub conscience is trying to tell me I should at least look decent for the end of the world.

Reply

kawaiichick | 9

#5236414 - Tuesday 11 December 2012 5:42

Setting up a surveillance camera should do the trick.

Reply

Jordath_Fil | 11

#5275391 - Monday 24 December 2012 8:13

Paranormal activity ... 7?

By michaeljcaboose | 7

#5233188 - Monday 10 December 2012 12:12

Congratulations! You subconsciously love musicals! Probably time to take your credit card off of iTunes unless you think you might sleep walk to Walgreens and buy a gift card...

Reply

LaughinStock | 16

#5233388 - Monday 10 December 2012 13:29

Well damn at least Op didn't buy cat facts or Kim Jong II facts, those are expensive.

By Psycho_Babydoll | 26

#5233190 - Monday 10 December 2012 12:13

Count your blessing you didn't subconsciously buy the High School Musical soundtrack. That would sting.

Reply

drunkandfml | 11

#5233232 - Monday 10 December 2012 12:24

...or the new Justin Bieber album...

Reply

drunkandfml | 11

#5233237 - Monday 10 December 2012 12:24

...or the new Justin Bieber album...

Reply

1awliet | 8

#5233354 - Monday 10 December 2012 13:10

Or even worse, the new Ke$ha album.

Reply

hilda_kitty | 16

#5233412 - Monday 10 December 2012 13:43

Or much worse, the Jersey Shore series.

Reply

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#5233430 - Monday 10 December 2012 13:48

Or all of that combined.
It offends the eyes, ears and wallet.

Reply

rattusrattus | 18

#5233666 - Monday 10 December 2012 15:41

Or Jersey Shore High School Musical starring Justin Bieber.

I love that my brain is a source of nightmares. *shudders*

Reply

awebb21 | 7

#5233696 - Monday 10 December 2012 16:02

Or the Friday song by Rebecca Black

Reply

Zomg_Okay | 26

#5233817 - Monday 10 December 2012 16:28

That's enough horrible "entertainment" suggestions for today, folks. I want to sleep tonight.

Reply

Psycho_Babydoll | 26

#5233962 - Monday 10 December 2012 16:59

Screw it, I meant to say 'blessings'. Forgot the S. Damn typo.

Reply

xXHollowIchigoXx | 17

#5236240 - Tuesday 11 December 2012 4:06

Or the new "It's thanksgiving" song by Nicole Westbrook, the wannabe Rebecca Black.

Reply

red_headforlife | 15

#5236549 - Tuesday 11 December 2012 6:43

Or even worse. Ready? Miley Cyrus songs.

Reply

zero91 | 4

#5236756 - Tuesday 11 December 2012 8:37

i still pick miley cyrus songs over justin , rebecca black songs

By nnnope | 26

#5233202 - Monday 10 December 2012 12:16

At least it's good music...though if I were you I'd stop sleeping next to the iPod.

By bwzwally8 | 15

#5233208 - Monday 10 December 2012 12:16

Phantom Of The Opera is a classic. The movie was pretty good as well. Love it.

By IWATCHYOUSLEEP | 7

#5233210 - Monday 10 December 2012 12:17

What's next, Peter Pan?

By aerogxt | 7

#5233217 - Monday 10 December 2012 12:19

You need help.

By Pleonasm | 34

#5233219 - Monday 10 December 2012 12:19

The answer is Somewhere over the Rainbow.

By chocolateisyum | 12

#5233221 - Monday 10 December 2012 12:19

Just log out of your iTunes account! You probably won't remember you password in your sleep, and therefore won't be able to purchase expensive albums. Voila!

Reply

Psycho_Babydoll | 26

#5233229 - Monday 10 December 2012 12:24

If one can make expensive random purchases, one can remember ones password. Probably.

Reply

owo_fml | 9

#5233268 - Monday 10 December 2012 12:37

Especially since you need your password to buy things on iTunes!

Reply

chocolateisyum | 12

#5233272 - Monday 10 December 2012 12:40

11 & 16 - Yeah I guess, I probably should have thought my comment through before pressing send. Sorry!