Transportation: Today, I was at the airport, about to listen to Disney's Camp... - FML

By Italian_Stallion - United States

Today, I was at the airport, about to listen to Disney's Camp Rock soundtrack on my iPhone. I pressed play, only to realize that my headphones weren't plugged in all the way. Everone sitting near me heard Joe Jonas' voice coming from my phone. I am 40 years old. FML

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Dog whisperer

Craft beer bores

I CAN HEAR YOU

By seriously - United States - Goshen

Today, I was being interviewed for an amazing job when I was asked what animal I would describe myself as. Trying to be prompt, I picked the first thing that came to me. I responded with, "I'd be a turtle because I'm really slow sometimes." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend picked me up bridal-style to carry me to our bed. As he carried me through the bedroom door, the dog ran between his legs and sent us both crashing to the ground. FML

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By IbetIgotAIDS - United States

Today, I realized that the place that my brothers and I would find soggy balloons and blow them up when we were younger is where the prostitutes take their clients. We were blowing up used condoms for a good part of our childhood. FML

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By confused - Australia - Glen Waverley

Today, I was at University when a giant mascot started walking in my direction. As they walked past, they whispered my name seductively. I still don't know who it was. FML

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By joeheathen - United States

Today, I went to the pharmacy to purchase a brace for my sprained wrist. My wife and I had recently ran out of KY lotion, so I decided to pick up a bottle while I was there. It didn't occur to me that these two items could be perceived as being related until the cashier began to giggle. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my mom was telling me a funny story about when I was young. So I said 'yeah I was funny huh?' She replied 'Yep, I had a funny one and a pretty one'. FML

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By WTF

It burns

Today, after my 22-year-old son realized that there was no more contact solution, he decided to use tequila because he thought it would "kill the germs." We had to go to the hospital to have his eyes flushed out. I raised this moron. FML

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By sgibson982136

Today, I spent 30 minutes ringing up a Guinea pig and supplies for a customer who talked like a sloth, all while she argued with over the price of everything, only for her to return it all 5 minutes later because her sister "changed her mind." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Valparaiso

Today, I was having a wet dream and had a pretty vivid imagination. I ended up thrusting so hard that it showed up in reality. I literally humped so hard that I woke myself up. Not only that, but I was sleeping on the living room floor so my roommates saw and now it's their joke of the day. FML

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By loko0909 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my ex-boyfriend admitted the reason he broke up with me was because he cheated and felt awful about it. The girl is now pregnant, but he swears it isn't his. Guess we'll find out in a few months if my daughter has a sibling. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, I finally finished vacuuming my downstairs. Instead of finding the wall outlet and unplugging the vacuum, I triumphantly tugged the cord from across the room to release the plug from the wall. It flew at me at top speed and hit me in the face. FML

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By halza - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, after a long 16 hour shift, I was milliseconds from sleep when my girlfriend said she "wants to talk". I'm now writing this from the couch. FML

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By Andrew7847 - United States

Today, I finally managed to get through to the radio station that I always listen to. I handed the phone to my dad so he could win the prize for me, because I'm under 18. He hung up because he thought it was a prank call. FML

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By marriedtoaretard - United States

Today, I came home from out of state. I found out someone online had told my husband that the "fumes" from hot showers can be lethal. As a precaution, he removed the draft-blocking bathroom door to make sure it's "properly ventilated." FML

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By Anonymous

Venus in Furs

Today, my boyfriend asked my dad why he gave me the nickname "Bear," which he has called me since I was very little. My dad responded, "Because she has a hairy back." FML

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By HBCruiser

Today, I’m sitting in my living room, smelling onions frying. My house is all closed up. I’m not cooking anything. FML

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By Fefe - United States

Today, tired of my social anxiety making me look uncool, I told everyone I was going out partying tonight. I'm actually just going to watch 'Jersey Shore' and pretend I'm with the cast. Something even more sad? I'm really excited. FML

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By anonbob - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because apparently my mom hates him and doesn't want us to be together. My mom died six years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a "diamond ring" in Mafia Wars (a facebook app) from my boyfriend of 3 years. Along with the ring came a message. It read, "Will you marry me?" He was serious. FML

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By picaru - United States

Today, is the first day of my honeymoon. It has been 6 years since I took a "real" vacation. We have 3 kids and a small house, and now we have 9 days alone in random hotels to do what couples do on their honeymoon without kids... Day one, I got my period 7 days early. FML

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By Suicidal - Australia

Today, I had a mental breakdown after going through severe depression for several years. I told my boyfriend that everybody thinks I'm useless, to which he replied, "No you're not. You cook me good dinners." FML

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By morphea - France - Chantepie

Today, coming home, I discovered that my dog had left me a beautiful mound of poop in the middle of the corridor. He'd made an effort, though: there was a roll of shredded toilet paper next to it. FML

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By too young for this - United States

Today, my mom broke the news that my dad secretly got married two months ago, to a woman he has been dating for 15 years, and that my parents have actually been divorced for 12 years. They just lied about it this whole time. FML

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By Drom - Australia - Sydney

Today, I pushed my spinning clothesline around and walked off like a badass. A loose wire then whipped around the back of my head and caught me in the eye. I'm just so badass. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, my boss said to me: 'You know, our competitors are also hiring!' FML

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By LaughingFML - Canada - Oshawa

Today, my best friend jokingly blocked my number until I apply for a job. She is also supposed to be picking me up from the airport, so now I have no way to contact her to tell her what time. FML

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By sigh - Australia - Rockdale

Today, my husband is sulking because he "can't" have sex with me. I've tried initiating things multiple times, but he keeps saying no, because I'm pregnant and he says it'd be exactly the same as having sex with his own kid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Orleans

Today, I started a new job. I'm now trapped in a small office with a woman who says, "Oh my gravy!" constantly. In response to everything. FML

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By SillyScotsman - United Kingdom - Hamilton

Today, I was eating an ice cream cone, when I felt something drop onto my bottom lip. Assuming it was a piece of ice cream, I quickly pulled it into my mouth. After a sharp sting to my tongue, I spat it out. It was a bee. FML

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By 1meme129 - United States - Denver

Today, my little cousin told me about how he never wipes his ass, because if he doesn't he doesn't need to wash his hands. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom went snooping through my art bin to "clean out my old drawings". She found numerous nude pieces and accused me of selling porn. My mom mistook and threw out 57 anatomy practice sketches that I worked very very hard on, and ripped up the remainder of my drawings. FML

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By wrestling probs - United States

Today, I was wrestling in a tournament. I was in the finals about to win when the kid threw up on me. They thought I'd hit him in the stomach hard enough to make him throw up, so they disqualified me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Stuck

Today, I found myself locked out of my house. I had to squeeze myself through a tiny window around the back. While hanging upside down, my hood fell over my head. My dog ran through to investigate the noise and ravaged me thinking I was a burglar. I then fell and broke my wrist. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Maple Ridge

Today, after a day, I finally noticed that the toilet paper I'd been using to wipe my butt is actually a roll of paper towel cut in half. My dad thinks that it's a waste of money to buy proper paper. Guess who had to unclog the toilet twice. FML

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By hatesurf - Peru

Today, I was surfing. I saw a cop writing a ticket for my car, I swam as fast as I could to stop him, I got caught in a wave, and smashed onto the rocks. I ended up with a huge bleeding scratch on my back, a broken surfboard, and a note saying that I had a flat tire. FML

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By TCRII - United States - Springfield

Today, it's the first day of our honeymoon. My bride just informed me that she invited her ex-husband to come, so he can spend time with the kids. He will be here in 4 hours. FML

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By NaniNarcotic - Australia

Today, I thought it'd be funny to knee my sister's ass as she was bending over. What I didn't realise was that she was trying to pick up a spider. In shock, she threw it in the air and it landed on my chest. I ran into a wall trying to get it off. FML

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By BAMashleyx3

Today, my dad texted me while I was in the dentist's chair getting my teeth cleaned. The dental hygienist jumped at the notification sound my phone made and split my gum open. FML

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By leprechaun23 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I taught my friend how to use a staple gun. She taught me how to get staples out of my hand. FML

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By UnluckyTh1rteen - 27/8/2020 14:19 - United States - New York

Just a friend

Today, my boyfriend went to get coffee with a friend. As a joke, I texted him to ask how his date with his other girlfriend was going. It really was a date, and apparently it went very well. FML

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Top comments

By chille_fml | 0

#2788 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 0:05

Thats what you get for listening to the Jonas Brothers

By funk_fml | 0

#2793 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 0:32

at least it was at an airport, you'll never have to see any of those people again

COMMENTS

By chille_fml | 0

#2788 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 0:05

Thats what you get for listening to the Jonas Brothers

Reply

Metzler31 | 17

#1046480 - Sunday 27 June 2010 23:42

pedaphile-homosexual-child molestor

which one is it? or is it all3?

Reply

Monkeybuzz92 | 15

#1691731 - Saturday 13 November 2010 4:49

that is funny!!

By yryehc | 0

#2789 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 0:08

sorry, but you so deserved that one

By folieadeux | 0

#2790 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 0:10

Your life could be a lot worse.

Reply

iLuvFml5 | 0

#944462 - Sunday 14 March 2010 2:41

Agreed

Reply

shezzamezza | 0

#1676471 - Wednesday 10 November 2010 12:53

Yeah I totally thought it was a guy.

Reply

fadingfaith | 4

#2480557 - Monday 9 May 2011 5:30

Me too.

By funk_fml | 0

#2793 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 0:32

at least it was at an airport, you'll never have to see any of those people again

Reply

HunterDanielle | 3

#2025512 - Sunday 30 January 2011 16:19

true that.

By badonis | 0

#2794 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 0:33

@ #8 unless they're on the same flight.

By mikeyellenlee | 0

#2796 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 0:41

Why the hell would a 40 year old man be listening to those children unless there's something else you're not telling people? Because you know that's what people think now.

Reply

kallieloverxo | 0

#1357736 - Monday 6 September 2010 0:44

it's actually a 40 year old WOMAN

Reply

ThatGenericGuy | 6

#3098867 - Saturday 13 August 2011 6:55

No pedo.

Reply

43trauts | 14

#3449949 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 13:50

To answer your question #10 maybe the OP likes Joe Jonas's music. Have you ever thought of that before?

By thelele | 0

#2867 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 4:15

Wow, Jonas Brothers? Really now? FYL

By neujersey | 0

#2869 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 4:18

#10, yep... that's what I think now.

By rawr_meg_rawr | 0

#2919 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 8:47

Ya, you deserved it for listening to the Jonas Brothers.

Reply

fawfulster | 11

#435905 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 4:42

I agree.

By camis | 0

#3007 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 14:05

Own up to what you like.