Today, I won a meal for two in a raffle. I had no one to go with.... - FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Stourport

Today, I won a meal for two in a raffle. I had no one to go with. FML

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There's no helping some people

Get the message, dude

Boozehound alert

By Anonymous - 29/10/2020 23:02

No more bukkake for you

Today, I was rushed to the emergency room for severe facial rashes. My boyfriend and I then found out I'm allergic to seminal fluid. FML

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By Julie

Today, I had red eyes from crying, and everyone assumed that my mom, who has been seriously ill, had died so they tried comforting me. It was quite embarrassing to have to tell them that it was because I'd just watched the last episode of season 4 of Veronica Mars. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Egg Harbor Township

Today, I had an unbearable itch on my foot that I could not make go away with my nails, so I grabbed the stapler in my drawer to scratch it with. Bad idea. FML

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By satanworshipper - United States - Hollywood

Today, I received another death threat for teaching evolution in college. I'm a geology teacher. FML

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By Krissy - United States

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend on the back bumper of my car. After he finished he told me he felt like he was riding a seahorse. FML

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By wheezy - United States - Bay Springs

Today, while giving speech in class, I choked on my own spit and had a coughing fit while everyone stared at me intently. When I finally regained my composure, my teacher told me my time was up and to sit down. I hadn't even got finished the first paragraph. FML

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By cyantist - United States

Today, I'm sick. I got the flu shot for the first time ever this year and for the first time in my life, I have the flu. FML

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By Mark Allan - United States - Alexandria

Today, I finally got the guts to text this cute girl at school. I started sending flirtatious texts, only to find out the hard way that she'd given me her boyfriend's number. FML

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By mottephobe - United States

Today, I subbed for a first grade class. They were releasing butterflies. Butterflies scare me shitless. A bunch of 7 year-olds watched as I screamed hysterically when one landed on me. FML

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By Tyr88 - Australia - Blakehurst

The first step is admitting you have a problem: take away is bad for you.

Today, I opened my fridge. It's entire contents: half a takeaway meal and 4 bottles of wine. FML

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By Junkrat

Today, I was giving my boyfriend oral sex when he pulled away without warning. As I looked up at him to see what was wrong, he screamed "JUSTICE RAINS FROM ABOVE!" and shot his load in my eyes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a wonderful dream where I got married to the perfect guy, then had the best sex of my life on a beautiful honeymoon. The only problem is that my "husband" was the snowman from Frozen, and that I got sad when I realized it was just a dream. FML

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By Rayvyn - United States

Today, I started feeling sick to my stomach. I tried to soothe it with some Ramen, which helped for a while. Later on, I felt worse and threw up the soup. Noodles came out of my nose. FML

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By Cody - United States

Today, I got pulled by a cop because I forgot to put my registration sticker on. I get nervous around authority and have nervous shakes. I ripped the registration sticker 3 times trying to put it on. The cop then gave me a ticket for "Improper Equipment". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in marching band, the guy in front of me backed up too far. As we turned, the back of his trombone hit mine, smashing it into my lip. I had to finish the song, sending blood down my horn. FML

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By potassiumgirl - United States - Hollywood

Today, I was eating a banana, and decided to practice my blowjob skills, since my boyfriend is always complaining that I'm bad at giving head. Let's just say my lungs now have their daily dose of potassium. FML

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By detour165 - Australia - Ascot Vale

Today, while staying at my brother's place for the Christmas holidays, I had to leave because he threatened to "take me outside". Apparently he doesn't like being corrected on whether a certain car has a long wheel base version, so I guess the family Christmas is over. FML

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By rick - Sweden

Today, I read an incoming message on my wife's phone. "I miss your warm hands and mouth". The message came from a female co-worker of hers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Austin

Today, I was removing large shrubs from a house. I heard my co-worker yell something, but I couldn't hear him, so I just pulled the stump out anyway. What I realized too late was that he was telling me that there was a swarm of bees living behind the stump. FML

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By garrett - United States

Today, my girlfriend beat me at ping pong, twenty to three. She said I let her win because I don't respect her, then stormed out of the room. I'm just really bad at ping pong. FML

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By Sunshine56 - United States - Greenbrier

Today, I sold cigarettes to a woman who promptly told me that she smoked meth. It's only my second night working this job. FML

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By shit streak - 21/4/2020 20:00

KoBabe

Today, my husband was changing our son’s overflowing diaper. Instead of getting up and walking the putrid mess to the bin, he decided to shoot it basketball-style. He missed and it hit the wall, sliding down leaving a huge sloppy streak. He expected me to clean it. FML

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By CityBoysNow - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Today, I hooked up with the guy I've liked for a while, even though my friends joked that his large pickup truck meant that he was "compensating" for having a small penis. They were right. Very right. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a weight loss 'before and after' advertisement and I wished I could at least look like the 'before'. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, we were building the homecoming float, the theme is Seasons of Love. We went around the yard and put random leaves on the float. My friend's dad looked at the float and said, "You do realize that's poison ivy?" FML

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By "Forevor_a_potato"

Today, I have to reschedule the vacation I had planned for eight months because I have the flu, and feel too sick to go and enjoy myself at a waterpark. This vacation is the only thing that's kept me sane these last two months. FML

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By Alicia - United States

Today, my friends and I had a long fun day at the river. That was until sundown. I now have mosquito bites in places you don't want to know. FML

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By not twilight - United States - Charlotte

Today, it was my first day working at a dog boarding kennel. I got bit... by my coworker. FML

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By herdopera

Today, my parents announced they are adding a sister-wife to our very conservative Christian family. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after complaining that I had nothing to write about in my weekly journal for college, my professor suggested in front of everyone that I should get a girlfriend. FML

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By uselessdad - Singapore

Today, I came home to my wife crying. She had mixed up our newborn twin girls and couldn't tell which was which. I looked at the girls. Neither could I. FML

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By Sarah-grace - United States - Benton

Today, I was dumping some old milk in the sink and noticed it wasn't going down. Assuming food was clogging the drain, I stuck my hand down in it to remove the food. I removed a blueberry and half a cockroach. FML

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By ABD

The system is broke!

Today, I found out that when I go on Medicare in January, one of my medicines will go from $45 per month to $3000 for the first month, then $425 per month for the rest of the year. I need this medicine to stay alive. FML

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By Nessa - United States - Pomona

Today, my mom got out a camcorder she's had a while. She said there were tapes of me when I was a child. The first tape I put in was a porno of her and her ex-boyfriend. FML

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By NoJobNovember - United States - Wadsworth

Today, I took a video of a fellow employee doing nothing but watching YouTube videos at work. When I showed the video to my boss, hoping he'd be reprimanded, I got fired for operating video equipment on company grounds. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I told my boyfriend I wouldn't be able to get any time off work to go to Mexico with him, and that we'd have to get our tickets refunded, and reschedule. He said not to bother, and that he already had someone else in mind to take with him. FML

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By Sanchez - United States

Today, the doctor told me that I have Vasovagal Syncope: I pass out every time I get aroused. Bye bye sex. FML

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By ILOVELEDZEPPELIN - United States - Wakefield

Today, I called my mother crying, telling her how my husband has apparently been cheating on me for months. To my surprise, she didn't interrupt me or cut me off the whole time. Only when she didn't respond, did I realize she'd hung up a half an hour ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my grandmother updated her will. Previously, it denied inheritance to family members with non-white spouses, and any mixed-raced children. Now it does the same with politically correct terminology. She then bragged about how accepting she is in front of my Korean husband and our daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Oakville

Today, I ran into an old friend, and she remarked how she couldn't believe we hadn't seen each other in a year. Except not only did I attend her baby shower a few weeks ago, I spent hundreds of dollars on a unique gift. FML

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Top comments

By max_dilbe | 14

#6470970 - Thursday 26 November 2015 10:53

Be a good sport, take a homeless person or someone who would need that meal..

By KatieJBabe | 24

#6470953 - Thursday 26 November 2015 10:43

More for you!

COMMENTS

By KatieJBabe | 24

#6470953 - Thursday 26 November 2015 10:43

More for you!

Reply

ThrottleJockey | 34

#6471181 - Thursday 26 November 2015 17:37

Left overs rock!

By youraveragehuman | 16

#6470961 - Thursday 26 November 2015 10:49

You could always take out a loved one and not necessarily partner for food; it'll make their night and free food!

By KittyKatKyrish | 14

#6470964 - Thursday 26 November 2015 10:51

TAKE ME INSTEAD

Reply

gamermonster | 34

#6470997 - Thursday 26 November 2015 11:44

Don't use caps please

Reply

cheeeksss | 29

#6471047 - Thursday 26 November 2015 13:59

GOT A PROBLEM WITH CAPS? CAPS NEED LOVE TOO.

Reply

CallMeWindSock | 24

#6471412 - Thursday 26 November 2015 22:37

TRIGGERED

By Cads1 | 24

#6470966 - Thursday 26 November 2015 10:51

Sell your prize to a friend.

By Isandri | 29

#6470968 - Thursday 26 November 2015 10:52

take a homeless person with you ;)

By max_dilbe | 14

#6470970 - Thursday 26 November 2015 10:53

Be a good sport, take a homeless person or someone who would need that meal..

Reply

cheeeksss | 29

#6471048 - Thursday 26 November 2015 14:01

I'm so glad you suggested that. Especially during this time of year.

Reply

Colon_Man | 17

#6471049 - Thursday 26 November 2015 14:03

To both 5 & 6; I came in here just to say the same.

Good on you guys. :)

By MonstreBelle | 28

#6470972 - Thursday 26 November 2015 10:53

Two meals for one isn't so bad if the food is delicious

By Ononised | 11

#6470981 - Thursday 26 November 2015 11:06

Take someone that wouldn't expect it but you think might really appreciate it

By exergency | 17

#6470982 - Thursday 26 November 2015 11:07

Take your cat

Reply

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6471070 - Thursday 26 November 2015 14:32

I can just picture op's cat sitting in the chair across to her with a napkin on his lap while he licks some tuna off a super fancy plate in a super fancy restaurant as everyone else stares incredulously.

By zaidthunder1 | 27

#6470993 - Thursday 26 November 2015 11:31

Start by asking your friends!