Today, my wife allowed my mother-in-law to move in with us. She... - FML

By fuq - 22/5/2012 18:42 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my wife allowed my mother-in-law to move in with us. She believes the government spies on her in the shower, and that the Prime Minister is a shape-shifting lizard who wants to microchip us all. I have to live with this psychotic wench until someone is desperate enough to employ her. FML

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Fear factor

By Buzzie - 2/9/2010 21:09 - United States

Today, I learned that my apartment's walls are thin enough for my neighbors to hear my vibrator. I've lived in this apartment for three years. I've been single and horny for all of them. FML

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By Acu7519 - 16/4/2018 15:00

Today, at my job as a 2nd grade teacher, I was explaining to my students how I'm pregnant and will have to take a break from teaching after I have my baby. One of my students replied with "Ooooooooohhh Ms. Johnson had sex!" FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2011 05:38 - Canada

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She was so happy that she began flapping her hands around and screaming. She was flapping her hands so hard she smacked herself in the face and started crying. FML

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By ouch - 12/7/2013 07:22 - United States

Today, my mom got drunk and punched me in the nose, then yelled at me for bleeding on the carpet. FML

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By pikachu_43 - 21/3/2015 15:14 - United States - San Francisco

Today, because I thought I was about to have an asthma attack, I had a panic attack. Then, the panic attack caused me to have a real asthma attack. FML

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By mustanggt - 2/10/2017 10:00 - United States - Utica

Today, I finished a repair on my trailer. About twenty miles down the road, one of the joints gave out and the whole thing broke on the freeway, scattering lumber and splinters everywhere. The traffic cop called me the worst carpenter in the whole state. FML

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By tessykins - 22/10/2009 07:41 - United States

Today, this guy who likes me accused me of cutting myself. I asked him what he was talking about, and he said, "Don't lie, I saw those scars on your thighs when we went swimming." I have stretch marks on my inner thighs, and now I have to explain them to him so he doesn't think I cut myself. FML

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By Stigmamma - 27/11/2016 08:54

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to be responsible and put parental controls on the Playstation so our kids can't play adult games or watch adult content online. And now, neither can we. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2012 18:50 - United States - La Porte

Today, the father of my unborn child told me he isn't sure he'll be able to make it to the birth, since there's no guarantee of when it will happen, so he can't schedule time off. This would be understandable if he actually had a job. FML

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By Devin - 21/6/2019 22:17

Today, my dog chewed through his leash, so I had to take him inside to prevent him from running off. I went to bed. I woke up to torn-up blinds, half-ate sandals, and a very, very anxious cat due to my dog running after her and trying to sniff her butt. FML

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By Kev - 19/2/2009 23:42 - Canada

Today, I walked home from work when a woman asked me to come inside for a free meal. It was at a homeless shelter. FML

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By In Pain - 11/1/2012 08:03 - United States

Today, I had gum surgery. I can't laugh. I can't smile. I can't talk. I can't eat. All I can do is wait for the pain medication to kick in. FML

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By ImScrewed - 2/8/2011 17:47 - United States

Today, my boss sat me down to discuss the sounds my co-workers have heard coming from my cubicle. Apparently my music sounds like the background tracks from shitty soft-core porn movies. I'm getting a three day suspension while they go through all my files. FML

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By princeronron - 8/9/2015 02:02 - Switzerland - Prilly

Today, I spilled the bowl of cat food I'd just filled. I picked it all up in front of my cat, but he refused to eat any of it. I had to put the food back into the packet and fill the bowl all over again. My cat is a prince. FML

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By Hollywoodanonymous - 31/10/2011 06:57 - United States

Today, I had a relaxing night watching movies with my room-mates. Everyone but I had a girl over to lie with during the movie. The closest I got all night was the multiple times my room-mate's dog tried to mount me. FML

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By Kara - 15/12/2011 21:43 - United States

Today, my downstairs neighbor had a home birth. Not only did I hear eighteen hours of uninterrupted screaming, they called me afterwards, asking if I could come over to help them clean up. FML

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By Lonely_Army - 25/5/2012 16:03 - Qatar

Today, I realised that I've been deployed for far too long, when I caught myself looking down the cleavage of a mannequin wearing a bathing suit. FML

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By ohh jeez. - 21/2/2009 02:49 - United States

Today, I handed in an assignment in health class that had to calculate my BMI. Embarassed by my weight I put it 15 pounds less. I got the assignment back and lost credit for something. Circled in red pen on the top was you must put your "EXACT" weight. FML

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By PandaMantis - 25/6/2011 04:32 - United States

Today, I sent my romantic interest a sexy text about a dream I had about a "sex gameshow." I sent it by replying to the last text sent. I'm now responsible for traumatizing my 12 year old niece who could only reply, "Like Jeopardy?" FML

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By farrahfarrest_ - 2/7/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor. I told her I felt down all the time. She asked me a few questions and she told me I was depressed. She suggested to go home and find the sources of my depression. When I told my parents, they started laughing and said "Yeah, right." I think I found my source. FML

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By chewybarseventy - 24/8/2010 06:17 - United States

Today, I came home to see my husband talking to his penis. FML

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By btg - 6/2/2010 06:27 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend feeds her boogers to our dog. Sometimes she even makes her do tricks for them. FML

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By scarred for life - 21/9/2012 10:57 - Canada - Brampton

Today, as a pizza delivery guy, I was forced to see yet another naked 200 pound teenage girl with a serious case of body acne. They're starting to give me nightmares. FML

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By hiitisbrooke - 23/11/2015 20:17 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I texted my friend asking if he'd like to join my "porno group". I meant promo. I quickly texted back correcting the mistake, but not before I received the nudes he sent. FML

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By snazz23 - 2/5/2016 21:12 - United States - Bastrop

Today, I got engaged to the most wonderful man in the world. I excitedly called my mom to tell her the great news, thinking she'd be excited too. Her only response? "Oh." FML

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By oktober2nd - 13/10/2018 06:30 - United States - Beaverton

Today, I woke up for the first time In 5 days with relief from a debilitating migraine, only to have my arm and shoulder completely numb and a sharp pain running from my neck to my elbow. I have a pinched nerve and dislocated disk in my neck. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2017 15:00 - United States - Stevenson Ranch

Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes

Today, after pranking my roommate several times by putting lube in his hand sanitizer bottle, he got me back by putting sanitizer in my lube. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2013 22:58 - Israel - Netanya

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been cheating on me with two different guys. Her incredibly moving excuse was that she was getting "more experience" so she could please me better. FML

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By Jessie - 5/7/2011 16:34 - United States

Today, I got stuck listening to my coworker bang on about how sexy her fiancé is for almost an hour. She told me about their sex life, described his dick in great detail, and showed me pictures of him shirtless. My coworker is 49; her fiancé is 56 and overweight. FML

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By RayniDae - 15/6/2016 20:08 - United States - Port Clinton

Today, we ran out of our disposal gloves at work. After saying how grossed out I was about having to touch raw chicken with my bare hands, my female boss goes, "Just imagine you're touching yourself. That's what I do." Even more grossed out now. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2013 20:50 - United States

Today, wanting to do something nice for my dad, I mowed the lawn. He grounded me for "emasculating" him. FML

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By GiantsFan13 - 23/7/2013 14:49 - United States - Fort Collins

Today, I went to the Giants game. During the seventh inning stretch they showed me on the jumbo-tron. It was just in time for the entire stadium to see me pull a tampon out of my purse. FML

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By ahhh - 3/8/2015 06:06 - United States - Northbrook

Today, my boyfriend of 2 months and I had sex for the first time last night. This afternoon he texted me saying, "I had an amazing night with you yesterday." Following that text he said, "I forgot to tell you I have an STD." FML

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By What the fuck, son? - 11/5/2013 16:21 - Netherlands - Amerongen

Today, I walked in on my son trying to carve a bong out of a watermelon. FML

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By idiotfriend - 16/6/2009 05:41 - United States

Today, I rented some movies in attempts to cheer up my best friend. Her husband just died a few weeks ago in a helicopter accident. I was in a rush and didn't read the descriptions of the two films, one was about a plane crash where all the passengers died. She cried through the entire movie. FML

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By bdjsbskl - 7/10/2011 05:55 - Canada

Today, I was at work as a cashier. An old lady unbagged everything I had, and angrily "taught" me how to bag. She put potatoes on her eggs and broke them. She then screamed that I was useless and retarded in front of all my other customers and manager. FML

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By Noname - 12/3/2009 19:56 - United States

Today, I went over to my uncle's house for dinner and my stomach hurt really bad. I noticed there were two toilets and sat in the prettier one and took a huge dump. Turns out I'd chosen the brand new toilet that wasn't connected to anything yet. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2009 20:22 - United States

Today, my partner and I were spending quality time with a newly single friend. She quoted some song lyrics, saying "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, make an ugly woman your wife...". We all laughed, and then my partner said "Boy, you got THAT right." FML

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By eayers2689 - 30/5/2009 16:19 - United States

Today, I went to a barbecue and noticed a girl that I had be interested in. When I walked up to ask how she was doing I noticed she had some BBQ sauce on her face. Jokingly I licked my thumb and reach to remove it. It turned out to be a scab from a pimple she had popped earlier. FML

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By ToothHurtyAM - 18/10/2018 05:00

Today, the principal of my school asked me if I had practice. Knowing he's gullible, I said yes. I came home to find him and my mom having sex. FML

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Top comments

By xrainbowshadowx | 17

#4469613 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:06

Stick one of the toy lizards on the shower wall.

By SuperKnuckels | 6

#4469517 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:06

i thought most politicians are shape shifting lizards.

Comments

By heyhihello95 | 12

#4469500 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:05

I'd create a fake job if I were you.

Reply

iLOLatURpain69 | 7

#4469617 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:15

She can work for me ;)

Reply

nofearjenshere | 12

#4469815 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:36

^ Ew?

Reply

ForTheWin23 | 1

#4469905 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:51

Hopefully you work at an insane asylum...considering your offer I don't think I had to ask

Reply

tjv3 | 10

#4470292 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 2:17

The best thing you could do is play to her delusions. Install fake mini cams and stuff like that

Reply

ELIte10 | 0

#4470438 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 2:57

Help her get a job then

Reply

Dr0reos | 8

#4470607 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 3:53

Man OP that sucks. nice use of the word wench by the way

Reply

wallandpiece | 16

#4471322 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 8:51

Well, David Cameron is a bit of a sly bastard. And Nick Clegg isn't much better either.

Reply

jonriise18 | 3

#4471555 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 10:20

Pay her to leave. Win-win.... Kinda.

By SuperKnuckels | 6

#4469517 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:06

i thought most politicians are shape shifting lizards.

Reply

shift_love | 13

#4469680 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:26

Yep here we go again with David Ickes theory of the reptilians. That may be a laugh, but big brother is very very real. Do some research op, there's cameras everywhere, government drones patrolling American cities. Get ready for 1984.

Reply

mvems | 13

#4470003 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 1:15

Only the minister of magic!

Reply

SpottedZebra42 | 14

#4470103 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 1:35

They are in Britain. At least that's what Doctor Who taught me.....

Reply

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#4470489 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 3:10

To be fair, looking at Cameron, I can see him as a lizard. And from news of spy rocks to phone taps, it's easy to become paranoid living in Britain these days.

FYL, OP. I'm sure she'll find a job right soon. They're all over the place! Practically everyone is hiring! (/sarcasm)

Reply

mxpklx | 12

#4470763 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 4:40

Beware of the Annunaki and their illuminati brethren!

Reply

Dr0reos | 8

#4473533 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:02

Yeah we all know the world is secretly run by an alliance of the illuminati and the lizard people.

By rubberduckie94 | 13

#4469553 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:09

Relax and enjoy the crazy. It can be fun if you roll with it.

Reply

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#4470498 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 3:13

So I've heard.

By hthelittleone | 10

#4469565 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:11

Government drain monster?

By ole_sidai | 4

#4469571 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:11

Everyone knows the prime minister IS a shape shifting lizard!

Reply

alfred07 | 18

#4469885 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:49

Remember that one time he forgot to change into his human form? Oh what a fun prime minister's question that was.

By olpally | 32

#4469579 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:12

Sounds like she belongs in the insane asylum... Yikes!

Reply

Jumpingmal2 | 7

#4469687 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:28

Why thank you very much ;)

Reply

olpally | 32

#4469723 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:30

Thanks 18 :) nice try 19, haha :P

Reply

tinkx22 | 6

#4469750 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:25

Cutie!

Reply

gracevet88 | 0

#4470691 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 4:21

This guy right here is a government spy

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4469587 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:13

Moderators can you delete this. My comments are going hay wire.

By MotherHen88 | 4

#4469611 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:14

I wonder what she thinks of the Geico gecko

By xrainbowshadowx | 17

#4469613 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:06

Stick one of the toy lizards on the shower wall.

Reply

Jessabear143 | 4

#4469841 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:41

That is an awful yet amazing idea. I think it should be done. Maybe she'll get so freaked out she'll leave.

Reply

lorenzoman77 | 7

#4469936 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:57

Wasn't that the point 45?.. O.o

Reply

NoisyNykkii | 10

#4471123 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 7:15

Put a camera in the shower.

Reply

HeyMondayAddict | 4

#4471298 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 8:42

We're trying to help him get her to leave not help him make a porno

Reply

jonriise18 | 3

#4471557 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 10:22

Why not get her to leave AND make a porno!? Win-win.

By rubberduckie94 | 13

#4469630 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:07

Relax and enjoy the crazy. It can be fun if you just roll with it.

Reply

msl1333 | 4

#4470821 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 4:57

I agree. If only you were in America though. We'd give you a reality show.

"Tonight on A&E it's an all new 'Hoarders', followed by an all new 'Intervention', followed by an all new 'My Step Mother's a Paranoid Schizophrenic'".

Reply

msl1333 | 4

#4470829 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 5:00

Damn. Mother in law...I am ashamed.