Today, my wife allowed my mother-in-law to move in with us. She... - FML

By fuq - 22/5/2012 18:42 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my wife allowed my mother-in-law to move in with us. She believes the government spies on her in the shower, and that the Prime Minister is a shape-shifting lizard who wants to microchip us all. I have to live with this psychotic wench until someone is desperate enough to employ her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25753

You deserved it

2696

Tweet

Share

Proactive

Basic Instinct

Gas giant

By lizard - 24/1/2009 19:47 - Canada

Today, my dad walked in to the arena where I was watching a hockey game with my boyfriend and his friends. My dad was wearing a crazy grey mohawk wig/hat. Meanwhile, my boyfriend just finished telling me how embarassing it would be to be that guy's kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25085

You deserved it

2112

Tweet

Share

By LittleGina - 4/2/2017 18:00 - United States - Benson

Today, a woman was standing in front of me in line. There was a strand of hair on her back, so to be nice, I pulled it off her. It was still attached to her head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3525

You deserved it

7615

Tweet

Share

By fuzzle003 - 13/6/2012 12:47 - Australia - Canberra

Today, I finally bought the expensive but beautifully stylish dress I've been eyeing for ages online. Ten minutes later, I went back to check the shoes the model was wearing so I could coordinate my outfit. The dress had been reduced to half price. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33540

You deserved it

4109

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/1/2013 00:46 - United Kingdom

Today, after a very heartfelt conversation with my mother, I promised her that I'd quit smoking. I walked in on her smoking my cigarettes an hour later. Her excuse was that she didn't want my money to have gone to waste. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30046

You deserved it

4007

Tweet

Share

By Teeny - 5/5/2018 05:00

gross

Today, my creepy co-worker informed me that he was going to stick his "peeny-weeny" in my "teeny-vageeny". FML

I agree, your life sucks

5828

You deserved it

374

Tweet

Share

By Nikki - 20/11/2019 05:00

My package

Today, I finally received the vibrator I ordered online. Too bad they labeled what the item was on the outside of the box, and my dad was the one to pick up the packages. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2310

You deserved it

646

Tweet

Share

By toomuchmetal - 24/6/2009 19:17 - United States

Today, I was in line at a checkout. I have quite a few facial piercings and 1/2" gauges in my ears. The very heavy cashier asks how big my gauges are and then starts telling me about how she recently got her clitoris pierced and how sometimes she has orgasms behind the register. FML

I agree, your life sucks

73931

You deserved it

13616

Tweet

Share

By eyesightfail - 21/11/2009 23:02 - United States

Today, I saw a squirrel beside a tree. Thinking it was cute, I stepped closer, picked up a pine cone and tried to lure it to come closer. After about two minutes of silently squatting on someone's lawn holding a pine cone, I realized the squirrel was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28391

You deserved it

15446

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/12/2012 04:31 - United States

Today, my girlfriend donated most of my book collection because she got me a Kindle for Christmas. Some were signed, including my Harry Potters. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62891

You deserved it

4450

Tweet

Share

By so unsexy - 4/8/2016 21:32 - United States - Seattle

Today, I thought I'd spice things up by kissing my husband on the lips and then working my way down. But about halfway, I got some of his chest hairs lodged in my throat and started gagging. To avoid ruining the mood, I kept going, silently gagging, until we finished. I swallowed the hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18764

You deserved it

5265

Tweet

Share

By andrie09 - 7/7/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, my mom told me I was a bad daughter because I didn't get anything for my parents' anniversary. I just sent my brother a check for $400 for my share of their gift. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44209

You deserved it

3052

Tweet

Share

By radioactiveglowinthedarkthing - 10/10/2011 19:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I took my friend with me for a radiology scan. While I was getting injections, my friend muttered, "On the bright side, if you die, you'll glow in the dark at the funeral." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28073

You deserved it

3564

Tweet

Share

By Ryuuchild666 - 1/10/2018 13:30

Today, I bought a 3 lb bag of pears. The first two bites were delicious! The third bite revealed a worm and its thousands of eggs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3406

You deserved it

200

Tweet

Share

By boredbymyself - 17/9/2020 14:01 - United States

NFL 2020

Today, it was the first game of 2020 Notre Dame football. My boyfriend’s family are huge fans and were upset because they weren’t doing well. When I left to get snacks for everyone, Notre Dame finally started playing better. I’ve been sent to the kitchen until further notice, because apparently I’m “bad luck”. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1034

You deserved it

156

Tweet

Share

By It's CSI Miami - 24/6/2015 04:16 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got into a fight with my mom because she believes that my fiancé is "irresponsible" and "immature". I stormed out and drove back home. There, I walked in on my fiancé and his friends. They were in a heated and almost violent argument over which CSI is the best. The wedding's next month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24598

You deserved it

6173

Tweet

Share

By JMU - 6/7/2009 19:34 - United States

Today, I saw a major accident then stopped to help the drivers. I was on my way to a rest stop to use the bathroom so as we were waiting for police I went into the woods and I come out to the police arresting me for public urination. One of the drivers said I was "using the woods for a bathroom." FML

I agree, your life sucks

46264

You deserved it

4525

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/9/2012 23:15 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, a dog attacked me. Its owner, instead of apologizing and helping me, said it was my own fault for making it think I was an attacker by running past them. We were on a jogging track. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29595

You deserved it

1929

Tweet

Share

By fmlifetime - 24/10/2009 22:24 - United States

Today, while shopping for some bananas at my local grocery store, an old woman came up to me and started rubbing my stomach. She simply asked when I was due. I am a 43 year old man with a beer belly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38503

You deserved it

14846

Tweet

Share

By megamonster99 - 7/11/2016 15:06 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I helped my hoarder grandfather clean out his garage. Not only did I step on a nail, I also slipped in a puddle of used oil that's been sitting out for two years, and broke my nose. He didn't pay me since I wasn't able to finish the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11165

You deserved it

983

Tweet

Share

By Whyme? - 28/4/2016 02:39 - United States - Hackensack

Today, as I was cleaning up after my two year-old, I found a pair of lacy underwear in his toy box. Not only are they not mine, but now I have to ask my husband if he's cheating on me. Or ask my babysitter if she's being having fun, instead of actually babysitting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15448

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1696

Tweet

Share

By No2ndDate - 1/2/2017 22:00 - United States - Mount Pleasant

Owl be there for you

Today, I went on a date to an owl sanctuary. Today is also the day I discovered my all-encompassing fear of owls, as I cried and pissed myself in front of my date and 15 other visitors. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7862

You deserved it

1518

Tweet

Share

By ForgottenSarahMarshall - 22/5/2014 05:51 - United States - Aubrey

Today, I was creeping on an old coworker's Facebook and noticed they'd tagged my face in an old group photo as another girl. According to the comments, the girl they'd tagged me as thought it was her too. I worked there for two years and nobody mentioned the mistake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39208

You deserved it

5608

Tweet

Share

By Tired Hungry Geek - 27/10/2015 04:40 - United States

Today, I was exhausted after a long day at work and didn't feel like cooking so I went to a drive thru. I placed my order, went to the window and paid. I then drove off without my food and didn't realize it for a couple of blocks. I was too embarrassed to go back and get it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19608

You deserved it

10212

Tweet

Share

By TheThirdWheel - 4/6/2013 19:11 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I found out my boyfriend is bringing his friends on our trip. I'm now the third wheel on the romantic trip we've planned for a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57227

You deserved it

4887

Tweet

Share

By sauce - 24/9/2010 06:33 - United States

Today, after months of looking, my fiancé and I finally signed a lease. We are using my savings to pay for it. This apparently poses a "moral dilemma" for my in-laws who think we should wait to be married. I'm paying for an apartment I'm not allowed to live in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28333

You deserved it

6252

Tweet

Share

By PoopTart - 29/4/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, I gave my sister a stun gun for her birthday since she recently had a couple "close calls" walking home from work late at night. She was so excited and thankful that she wanted to express her gratitude by shocking me to see if it really worked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59054

You deserved it

14766

Tweet

Share

By DroopyDog - 27/12/2010 08:48 - Netherlands

Today, I bought a puppy. I just found out I can't bring it on the family trip. To save me the trouble of finding a friend to take her in, my mum handed her back to the pound. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35845

You deserved it

3916

Tweet

Share

By BadLuckLad - 22/10/2014 22:38 - United Kingdom - Portsmouth

Today, I walked in on my girlfriend cheating on me. The guy turned around and said, "Sorry, I borrowed your condoms." FML

I agree, your life sucks

50121

You deserved it

3827

Tweet

Share

By chase - 25/1/2013 00:54 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, feeling lonely after my recent breakup, I put on my nicest clothes and went out clubbing with a few friends. I brought a guy back to my place, and we got intimate. It was going well, until he took off my push-up bra, then panicked and drunkenly asked, "Where'd they go?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

29101

You deserved it

53021

Tweet

Share

By hotboxed - 13/7/2019 18:30

Today, while we were sleeping, my girlfriend and I rolled to opposite sides of the bed. When I woke up, I moved closer and wrapped my arm around her. Her response was to fart in her sleep, resulting in a smell so noxious that I had no choice but to roll back to the other side. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1494

You deserved it

347

Tweet

Share

By ¬_¬ - 27/7/2013 22:43 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my dad walked in on me filming a Harlem Shake video. He stared for a moment, said "Son, I don't have a problem with homosexuals, but... nevermind." then shook his head and walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41312

You deserved it

26522

Tweet

Share

By Charlayyyy - 16/12/2010 02:30

Today, in art class, we made plaster masks. We were supposed to put Vaseline on our partner's face so the plaster didn't rip their facial hair out. My partner forgot to put it on my eye brows and eye lashes. My face is now completely hairless. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37533

You deserved it

7251

Tweet

Share

By Robbins - 31/8/2009 02:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to meet with my landlord to organise when he was coming to look at my flat and decide whether I get my deposit back. In the time it took to see him, my friend drank a bottle of vodka and vomited all over my room and knocked the window through. My landlord is coming in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34607

You deserved it

5319

Tweet

Share

By LifeSucks - 17/11/2018 05:00

Today, I came home to an empty house. I found a note from my wife telling me she was bisexual and found love in a woman. I FaceTimed my sister to tell her about it, and who do I see with her? My wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3917

You deserved it

191

Tweet

Share

By his word vs mine = me suspended - 10/8/2013 18:41 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, I was carrying a stack of paperwork at work, when my pen rolled off and onto the floor. As soon as I bent down to pick it up, a nearby co-worker, who's always hated me, accused me of putting on a show and sexually harassing him. He actually followed up by reporting me to HR. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46869

You deserved it

3062

Tweet

Share

By Savannah - 15/6/2011 00:07 - United States

Today, like every other day this past week at Bonnaroo, I've been placing my belongings in the cubbyhole inside the portapotties as I use. Today, I also learned that those "cubbyholes" are urinals. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9933

You deserved it

54924

Tweet

Share

By Ashley - 7/10/2013 06:11 - United States - Belmont

Today, a friend thought it would be funny to shove me over; I faceplanted. I was going to say "F*ck you" and "I will kill you". It came out as "I will f*ck you." He's still laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48177

You deserved it

8003

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/9/2012 11:36 - United States - Hockessin

Today, I got a mosquito bite inside my cast. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42351

You deserved it

2358

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/6/2020 08:08

Dead wrong

Today, I attended my husband's funeral and my son carried out the eulogy, which basically turned into a character assassination, ending with "and I hope Hell is hot enough for you, old man." Almost our entire family agreed with every word he said. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1434

You deserved it

372

Tweet

Share

By jessica238 - 8/4/2009 05:38 - Canada

Today, I bought a new purple shirt and decided to wear it to this charity function I was going to. I thought I looked pretty good in it. Then I got home and realized I left the sticker on. I had an "XL" sticker on my boob all night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21934

You deserved it

47224

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By xrainbowshadowx | 17

#4469613 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:06

Stick one of the toy lizards on the shower wall.

By SuperKnuckels | 6

#4469517 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:06

i thought most politicians are shape shifting lizards.

COMMENTS

By heyhihello95 | 12

#4469500 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:05

I'd create a fake job if I were you.

Reply

iLOLatURpain69 | 7

#4469617 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:15

She can work for me ;)

Reply

nofearjenshere | 12

#4469815 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:36

^ Ew?

Reply

ForTheWin23 | 1

#4469905 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:51

Hopefully you work at an insane asylum...considering your offer I don't think I had to ask

Reply

tjv3 | 10

#4470292 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 2:17

The best thing you could do is play to her delusions. Install fake mini cams and stuff like that

Reply

ELIte10 | 0

#4470438 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 2:57

Help her get a job then

Reply

Dr0reos | 8

#4470607 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 3:53

Man OP that sucks. nice use of the word wench by the way

Reply

wallandpiece | 16

#4471322 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 8:51

Well, David Cameron is a bit of a sly bastard. And Nick Clegg isn't much better either.

Reply

jonriise18 | 3

#4471555 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 10:20

Pay her to leave. Win-win.... Kinda.

By SuperKnuckels | 6

#4469517 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:06

i thought most politicians are shape shifting lizards.

Reply

shift_love | 13

#4469680 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:26

Yep here we go again with David Ickes theory of the reptilians. That may be a laugh, but big brother is very very real. Do some research op, there's cameras everywhere, government drones patrolling American cities. Get ready for 1984.

Reply

mvems | 13

#4470003 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 1:15

Only the minister of magic!

Reply

SpottedZebra42 | 14

#4470103 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 1:35

They are in Britain. At least that's what Doctor Who taught me.....

Reply

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#4470489 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 3:10

To be fair, looking at Cameron, I can see him as a lizard. And from news of spy rocks to phone taps, it's easy to become paranoid living in Britain these days.

FYL, OP. I'm sure she'll find a job right soon. They're all over the place! Practically everyone is hiring! (/sarcasm)

Reply

mxpklx | 12

#4470763 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 4:40

Beware of the Annunaki and their illuminati brethren!

Reply

Dr0reos | 8

#4473533 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:02

Yeah we all know the world is secretly run by an alliance of the illuminati and the lizard people.

By rubberduckie94 | 13

#4469553 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:09

Relax and enjoy the crazy. It can be fun if you roll with it.

Reply

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#4470498 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 3:13

So I've heard.

By hthelittleone | 10

#4469565 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:11

Government drain monster?

By ole_sidai | 4

#4469571 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:11

Everyone knows the prime minister IS a shape shifting lizard!

Reply

alfred07 | 18

#4469885 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:49

Remember that one time he forgot to change into his human form? Oh what a fun prime minister's question that was.

By olpally | 32

#4469579 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:12

Sounds like she belongs in the insane asylum... Yikes!

Reply

Jumpingmal2 | 7

#4469687 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:28

Why thank you very much ;)

Reply

olpally | 32

#4469723 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:30

Thanks 18 :) nice try 19, haha :P

Reply

tinkx22 | 6

#4469750 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:25

Cutie!

Reply

gracevet88 | 0

#4470691 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 4:21

This guy right here is a government spy

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4469587 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:13

Moderators can you delete this. My comments are going hay wire.

By MotherHen88 | 4

#4469611 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:14

I wonder what she thinks of the Geico gecko

By xrainbowshadowx | 17

#4469613 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:06

Stick one of the toy lizards on the shower wall.

Reply

Jessabear143 | 4

#4469841 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:41

That is an awful yet amazing idea. I think it should be done. Maybe she'll get so freaked out she'll leave.

Reply

lorenzoman77 | 7

#4469936 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:57

Wasn't that the point 45?.. O.o

Reply

NoisyNykkii | 10

#4471123 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 7:15

Put a camera in the shower.

Reply

HeyMondayAddict | 4

#4471298 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 8:42

We're trying to help him get her to leave not help him make a porno

Reply

jonriise18 | 3

#4471557 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 10:22

Why not get her to leave AND make a porno!? Win-win.

By rubberduckie94 | 13

#4469630 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 0:07

Relax and enjoy the crazy. It can be fun if you just roll with it.

Reply

msl1333 | 4

#4470821 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 4:57

I agree. If only you were in America though. We'd give you a reality show.

"Tonight on A&E it's an all new 'Hoarders', followed by an all new 'Intervention', followed by an all new 'My Step Mother's a Paranoid Schizophrenic'".

Reply

msl1333 | 4

#4470829 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 5:00

Damn. Mother in law...I am ashamed.