Miscellaneous: Today, I moved into my new apartment. My neighbor is apparently...

By Ghettogirl4life - United States

Today, I moved into my new apartment. My neighbor is apparently crazy and thinks I'm trying to 'steal' her husband. She watches me and is super paranoid. I have a two year lease. FML

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Miscellaneous

BO Central

Pull your shit together, Bezos

Ideal first date

By I weep for our future generation

Today, while home from college for the weekend, my sister started whining about how I keep using "big fancy college words" and making her feel bad. My sister is 27 and teaches elementary school. The word I used was "ludicrous." FML

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3973

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 02:02

Great speech, thanks!

Today, my biologist father had a slide show and speech prepared for my wedding. It started with, “40 years ago, there was a tree here”. I thought this would relate to me or the wedding at some point. 45 minutes later, I had to admit that it didn’t. FML

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1609

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126

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By crazydog - United Kingdom

Today, my dog surprised everyone by somehow managing to climb on the roof. I followed him up and spent the next hour trying to catch him. FML

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29582

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By satisfied88

Today, I had an orgasm for the first time in almost 3 months. My husband was beaming, saying he had given it his all and was ecstatic that he had finally satisfied me. But to be honest, I'd remembered we had a bag of potato chips in the kitchen. FML

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37589

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By gir - United States

Today, as a joke, I hid under my parents' bed, hoping to scare them when they came home. When they finally arrived, they burst through their bedroom door, tearing each other's clothes off. I had to keep my breath in time with my mom's panting and moaning as my dad brutally dominated her. FML

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34475

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home to find a mouse in the garage. Frantic, I killed it. My 7-year-old son came home from soccer, and started crying because he couldn't find the class pet, Mr. Whiskers. I killed my son's class pet. FML

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32593

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By too cool - United States - Carpentersville

Today, at my grandparent's funeral, we were waiting for the pastor. He was fashionably late because he couldn't find his sunglasses and had gone to buy new ones. FML

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44277

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I told my best friend she looked great in the dress she was wearing. My boyfriend overheard and is now convinced I'm a lesbian. FML

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25540

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2121

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By maximus - United States

Today, I was in the line at Chipotle and noticed a very attractive lady in her mid 20's. I deliberately took the table next to her and her friend and happened to overhear what they were talking about. They were both discussing how much diarrhea they were going to have when they got home. FML

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10203

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By Cooky - United Kingdom

Today, I learnt that the people I work with dislike me so much that they have a competition to see who can accidentally hurt me the most. How did I find out? A chef poured boiling water over my hands, and another shouted "50 POINTS!" FML

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40234

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By Anonymous - United States

Little git

Today, I gave my 7-year-old a snowglobe. I had spent the last week deconstructing it, putting an action figure of his favorite cartoon character inside, and then putting it back together. Later, I find it smashed into pieces because he wanted to "play with the toy it came with." FML

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30514

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By Sardine - United States

Today, I went to a park and sat down next to this older lady. These kids started to fight and scream at each other. I leaned next to her and said, "Man am I glad those aren't MY kids." She turned to me and said, "Yeah, they're mine." FML

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9423

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By rockefoe - United States

Today, I was studying late and kept hearing weird screeching sounds from outside. I couldn't figure out what it was and started getting really freaked out. It wasn't until later that I realized it was just my nose whistling. FML

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11787

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By Olorin - Germany

Today, I was installing TVs in a hospital. When I knocked on a door, a female voice asked me to come in. I opened the door to see an 80 year old woman standing in front of me, naked. She then complained when I hesitated to help her to put some clothes on. FML

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30337

You deserved it

2718

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By stepsister - United States

Today, I met my soon-to-be step mother. My dad was right, we had a lot in common. Including our birth year. FML

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57391

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made the discovery that I'm in a true love triangle; both of my girlfriends are dating one another. FML

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16662

You deserved it

69320

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By C0r1nn3 - United States - Santa Clara

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend in bed after a round of amazing sex. He decided it would be a great time to stick his finger up my nose. FML

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28665

You deserved it

5035

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By angrymother

Today, I caught my 20 year old daughter having sex with my best friend's husband. Apparently it's my fault for coming home early. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20631

You deserved it

1693

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By Kitty - Singapore

Today, my boyfriend told me he needed to reconsider coming to see me for financial reasons. I'm the one paying for the airfare, giving him a place to stay, and covering his expenses while he's here. FML

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56947

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6783

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for refusing to stop talking to my female best friend. When I pointed out that my friend's a lesbian, she said, "How the hell does that change anything?" I have no idea why I'm not happy to be rid of that paranoid imbecile. FML

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3356

You deserved it

416

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By Anonymous - United States - Gaffney

Today, my brother got the same cologne as the guy I've been seeing for a while. Every time I'm with my brother I think about him, and every time I'm with him I think about my brother. FML

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43725

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By militarywife2b - France

Today, at work, I watched a man throw up in his hands, dump the contents on his plate, then eat the things it "didn't touch". I had to wash his plate. FML

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34638

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2165

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By Brook363 - United States

Today, I witnessed the homeless man that visits my neighborhood placing bags containing his own poop in my trash cans. I later received a notice stating that the garbage company will not provide my residence with garbage service until I “refrain from placing bags of my own feces in the trash.” FML

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54667

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my second roommate in less then a week got a DUI. Both roommates are demanding that I drive them around for free until they get their licenses back, or else they won't have the funds to pay their rent. FML

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38881

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By Anonymous - Canada - Rosthern

Today, while at work, I went to unlock the washroom for a customer. Normally we don't allow customers to use the staff washrooms, so I was as surprised as the guy I found sitting on the toilet when I opened the door. FML

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37141

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By Michael

Taking the Micheal

Today, my girlfriend of 5 years confessed to cheating on me during my recent business trip. Moreover, she doesn't want to cut off contact with the other guy, because she's afraid of hurting HIS feelings. FML

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4614

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309

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By Lackadaisical - United States

Today, I thought I'd be safe by looking before crossing a one way street unlike I normally do. Too bad I looked the wrong way and didn't see the car that hit me. FML

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10219

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By zappy - United States

Today, I decided to see if electric dog collars work on human necks. They do. FML

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9694

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118858

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By manksy - United Kingdom

Today, when I was unpacking all of my stuff, my parents declared that they are going to live in Australia, and have found me a 'friend'. I am a 14 year old girl at boarding school, and my friend is my new foster mum. FML

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50895

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By Malakai

Today, after taking a massive shit, I flushed the toilet and it clogged. It flooded to the brim and the shit came rising to the top. I didn't know what to do so I grabbed some toilet paper and picked it up, ran to my balcony, and launched it. It landed on my neighbor's car. FML

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1233

You deserved it

3518

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By noname - Canada

Today, I was mad at my mother. Why? We went to parent-teacher interviews, and she told my math teacher that she should allow bathroom breaks because I have a "very heavy menstrual flow." My teacher suggested I eat more red meat. They got into a seven-minute argument about this. FML

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36026

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By immunizations - Canada

Today, while parking my car, I accidentally bumped into the car in front of me, making a small, barely noticeable dent. I felt bad, wrote an apology note, and stuck it on his windshield. An hour later, he replied by keying the entire right side of my car. FML

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30611

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By Anonymous

Today, I got a promotion because my boss “accidentally” had sex with my wife. FML

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5709

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By shitless88 - United States

Today, I'm sitting in a public toilet when a guy kicks the door in and shoves a police badge in my face, screaming for me to tell him "the path of Lemmiwinks". After a whole minute of me shitting my balls off, he bursts into laughter and tells me I've been pranked. I was too embarrassed to report him. FML

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32762

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By red button - United States

Today, my entire family sat down in the living room to watch the video I recorded of my sister's graduation from college. I never pressed record. FML

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13621

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43639

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By Mel - United States

Today, I thought I'd finally make a step towards getting over my ex-fiancé by flirting with a cute waiter. I left him a note on the bill. He comes back, says "which one of you is [name]?" and leans down close to me to say, "Thanks for your note, but your card was declined." FML

I agree, your life sucks

52766

You deserved it

8044

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By pvcnutcrackingdomqueen4u - United States - Monmouth Junction

Today, I went on a blind date. People always joke about how horrible Axe is, but this guy sprayed it on so thick that I genuinely had to fight to not retch the entire time. It was so bad that at one point I thought I was going to pass out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23716

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1861

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By awkwardencounters - United States - Belleville

Today, at the gym, I realized the guy who has been staring at me for the past 3 days is the same guy I promised to text back 5 months ago. FML

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24199

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 11:02

Conspiracies claim another victim

Today, after learning that "phones are tracking you" and that "Google is spying on you" from some shady website, my son destroyed all our phones and computers. FML

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865

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at a frat band party dancing with my girl when I felt some liquid on my arm. Normally, I'll lick spilled drinks off my arms and being slightly intoxicated, I did. Then I realized it was chunky. The girl dancing next to us had puked everywhere and I licked her vomit off my arm. FML

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Top comments

By cuntfacekillah | 5

#2875727 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 18:47

well it's not your fault. I'm sure that woman is just extremely insecure.

By green_eggs_and_h | 0

#2875744 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 18:49

You should pretend to be super paranoid too and watch her all the time.

COMMENTS

By lu95 | 16

#2875712 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 18:46

have funnnnnn! haha

kendallhi | 9

#2875785 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 18:53

well now you have a real reason to steal her man

bubble25_fml | 5

#2875787 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 18:53

op might as well have fun with the guy since she's already paying for the crime

katieebug | 0

#2875801 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 18:54

Maybe if she sees you with a boyfriend she'll be less paranoid? Good luck... and beware, she's probably watching you... o_O

luis420 | 0

#2875811 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 18:55

ILY SHELBY DUCKER 4810 :)

enonymous | 8

#2875939 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 19:05

Ghetto girls get all the men these days

katiekatie412 | 4

#2875956 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 19:06

18 - She'll be even less paranoid if she sees OP with a girlfriend...

mlebethbear | 0

#2876039 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 19:14

that's stinks:( im sorry!

kendallhi | 9

#2876048 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 19:15

this would only happen in Arizona

whyXD | 12

#2876074 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 19:17

I bet OP is really sexy.

garrettsgirl | 0

#2876076 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 19:17

there is one way to make friends....

dgr8ing | 0

#2876298 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 19:54

or Texas.

schaflava | 0

#2876624 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 20:59

ghettogirl eh? I'd be worried you might steal my shit not my husband wait I'm a man

supermankisses | 1

#2876686 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 21:08

Steal and get shot. That's how we do it in Texas. :)

garrettsgirl | 0

#2877373 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 22:58

is that better for you 66?

blanquito | 1

#2878109 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 0:32

I just saw an episode of law and order that started like this

ArentICute | 0

#2879470 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 4:12

Then get a boyfriend, invite her over to supper then BAM- suspicions gone.

zendaddy0 | 0

#2879883 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 5:27

get a boyfriend or convince her your lesbo

zendaddy0 | 0

#2879905 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 5:30

then hit her with a mallet

GrahamAker | 3

#2879931 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 5:34

steal and get stabbed/shot by hidden weapons. That's how we roll in Florida.

Lumenoire | 0

#2880988 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 9:02

50, OP's sexiness makes her sexy parties 200x better.

By stphcampos | 0

#2875714 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 18:46

omg women these days.

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#2875741 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 18:49

"These days"? Seems like a long term problem starting waybackwhen...

By cuntfacekillah | 5

#2875727 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 18:47

well it's not your fault. I'm sure that woman is just extremely insecure.

goshpeople | 4

#2875880 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 19:00

Insecure, very likely, but what if her husband is really attracted to "ghetto girls", and she knows it?

OkayImSorry | 0

#2875906 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 19:02

And apparently she's a ghetto gurl for life so I don't think anythings changing soon.

00SPRANGER00 | 0

#2876396 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 20:10

bitches be crazy.

Awsumuzzie | 12

#2876398 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 20:10

56, do what the first word in your user name is and try and make sense please.

1215116a | 14

#2876518 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 20:38

81, Mercy?

proxxX069069 | 7

#2876639 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 21:01

lol true that trifling ghetto girls these days making there Slutty moves!

Awsumuzzie | 12

#2876657 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 21:04

88, Julie?
91, understood. Thanks for having Mercy on my brain cells.

t765234 | 10

#2878452 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 1:13

You can't "do" mercy, mercy is a noun not a verb, so why don't you HAVE mercy and learn correct grammar.

1215116a | 14

#2879122 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 3:16

130, haha that's why I didn't understand it.
-_-

By joshuaUNWRITTEN | 0

#2875733 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 18:48

Home Sweet Home.

joooeee | 3

#2875872 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 19:00

Dome Sweet Dome

dirtyhobo95 | 0

#2876160 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 19:25

31 - ftw!

richard121212 | 0

#2876540 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 20:42

no, no no no. its not home sweet home

ArentICute | 0

#2879484 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 4:14

Gnome sweet gnome.

By POCHY | 0

#2875736 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 18:48

Have a two year affair !!

Josh67 | 1

#2876473 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 20:26

but imagine what would happen if she got caught by the crazy lady... hmmmm... not a good idea

nwill98 | 3

#2876793 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 21:28

haha it would be rather bad

By green_eggs_and_h | 0

#2875744 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 18:49

You should pretend to be super paranoid too and watch her all the time.

youliketacos | 0

#2876036 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 19:13

Or get some guns and clean them everytime she watches you.

t765234 | 10

#2878473 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 1:15

Or get some guns and shoot at her house every time she looks at you.

green_eggs_and_h | 0

#2878872 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 2:34

131- Great idea. Try and kill your new neighbors, that'll get Op what they want. A nice quiet steel cage with 3 square meals a day...

By ColtsDoug18 | 0

#2875757 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 18:50

.... that sucks. sorry, nothing much to say here

Molord1 | 0

#2875837 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 18:58

you could say 3way!

manzanita2121 | 6

#2876000 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 19:09

9-It sucks like the girl in your pic.

yourshootingstar | 4

#2876666 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 21:05

why comment then.

ColtsDoug18 | 0

#2876825 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 21:40

I was hoping someone would pick up the joke.. thanks 42!

GrahamAker | 3

#2879957 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 5:39

^^ Photo Win. but I can't see all of it on my iPod.

By SuckItTrolls | 7

#2875759 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 18:50

Well she is a woman. What do you expect.

By pleit3 | 0

#2875773 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 18:51

bang her husband haha

By mismonroe | 0

#2875789 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 18:53

Might as well give her a reason to be paranoid.

mrrudy1972 | 3

#2876389 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 20:08

sexy one aren't you

proxxX069069 | 7

#2876678 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 21:06

I would say soo :D

agreeing with her, give her something to be paranoid about !

fionaes | 3

#2877596 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 23:35

Pthats horrible!