Miscellaneous: Today, I paid $60 for a haircut from a professional stylist,... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I paid $60 for a haircut from a professional stylist, only to walk out looking like Spock from Star Trek. The worst part was the stylist asked me, "Hey, are you going to see that new Star Trek movie?" and tried to talk me into watching it. Now, wherever I go, people are giving me the 'live long and prosper' sign. FML

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Late term

The smell detective is on the case

This is fine

By anonymous - United States - Elk River

Today, my boyfriend bought us plane tickets to Mexico for our "Honeymoon". This would be nice if he had proposed and if we'd been dating for longer than 2 weeks. FML

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By justplainsad - United States

Today, I finally figured out that when a man says "Maybe some other time, I'll be busy then" more than once, he really means "I don't really want to see you again. I didn't think you'd actually USE my number." FML

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By fmlsomuch - Japan

Today, I told my mom about an article I'd seen that said people tend to make the most mistakes at 2 to 3 in the morning. Without a trace of humor in her voice, she said, "Tell me about it. You were conceived round about then." FML

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By matou - France - Caluire

Today, I was late for work, so I grabbed my handbag, my sports bag and ran out. The bus arrived at the stop just as I did, so I hopped on and sat down, trying to catch my breath. I dumped my bags onto my knees and looked down to see my cat, staring back at me from inside my sports bag. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I discovered that I needed to reapply for my job in order to have a chance at keeping it. The applications closed yesterday. FML

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By somebodyelse - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting pretty hot and heavy, then he said, "Let's pretend you're someone else." FML

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By Judiee - United States

Today, I was introduced to my boyfriend's family at their family reunion for the first time. As I sat on the couch, his 4-year old sister comes in and jumps onto my lap. For a moment I was happy to think his sister liked me, only to hear her say "You're fat! I like fat things." FML

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By brokenheart

Lust at First Sight

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years is leaving me for someone he met once at graduation 2 days ago. Apparently it was a magical "love at first sight" experience. FML

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By bri_sci94 - United States - Madison

Today, I went on a blind date that my friend set up. He greeted me with a winning smile, a belch, and the words, "Nice tits." I'm beginning to lose hope. FML

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By reddd - United States

Today, I purposely wore a red shirt to Target just so people would talk to me. FML

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By p - Canada - Markham

Today, I had a piano exam. My friend noticed how nervous I was, and recommended that I compliment the examiner for higher marks. When it was time for the exam, without thinking, I told him I liked his hair. Turns out bald people don't like that. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Thanks, I hate it

Today, my boss called me into his office. Expecting a long overdue promotion, I hurried in. Instead, he told me he thought I would be perfect to take his son on a pity date, because he's a suicide risk due to his depression. FML

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By cutiecuppiecakez - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend got so baked, he thought I was in the washing machine. I came downstairs to find him sitting in a puddle of soaking wet clothes, crying about where I was. FML

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By AL - United States

Today, my mom is marrying my ex boyfriend's dad. The same ex boyfriend who I caught cheating on me with my sister. Family gatherings are going to be such a joy! FML

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By fail - United States

Today, I found out yet another of my guy friends liked me. I posted that I just wanted a guy friend that had absolutely no romantic feelings for me. My crush volunteered. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Irving

Today, I was at Petsmart with my puppy. Someone tried to pet him. I tried to warn the guy that he is a rescue and doesn't trust easily. He didn't listen and now wants to sue me for a dog bite that didn't even break the skin. FML

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By Murphy’s Christmas

Today my husband blew a tire in a hidden pothole on the way to work. I picked him up in my car later that day, only to hit an entirely different pothole, bending my rim and catapulting my hubcap into the woods. FML

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By good_job_john - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend on my boat at the lake. As we were looking at the mountains all around us, she playfully pushed me off the side into the water. As I got back on the boat, I realized that not only was my cellphone dead, but the ring had fallen into the deep water. FML

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By BackToRehab - Canada

Today, I treated my mom to a movie and lunch after she'd attended weeks of AA meetings. She snuck in a flask to the movie, and during lunch, she started calling people muggles. FML

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By cardsftw - United States - Compton

Today, I was so bored that I actually read the iTunes store's terms and conditions. FML

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By 30000 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was brushing my teeth. When it came time for me to spit, I absentmindedly opened the bathroom drawer and spat in there instead of in the sink. FML

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By sweet2u22 - United States

Today, I told the guy I like to listen to a song that expressed how I felt about him. When he was done, I asked what he thought about it. He said it made him realize that his ex was the love of his life and that he wants to go back to her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter and husband decided to surprise me at work. A whole bunch of my co-workers were standing around me when she ran up and hugged me. Her face is level with my crotch. She immediately jumps back from the hug and says "ewwww smells like fish." FML

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By richardmrcs - United Kingdom - Bradford

Today, I got mauled by some wild animals and had to get my butt cheek stitched up. The embarrassment doesn't end there though; the animals in question were kittens. The nurses on duty laughed and the entire ward found out. FML

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By ugh - United States - Agoura Hills

Today, I crashed my car into a bridge, while playing a song with the line, "I crashed my car into a bridge". FML

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By me - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I had only been dating him for about a month. Thinking he wouldn't take it very hard, I invited him over so I could tell him in person. Little did I know he was going to start crying on my couch and not leave for 5 hours. FML

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By MonCoiffeurAdoré

Today, I caught my stylist in the mirror attempting to get his colleague to laugh by spitting on my head while washing my hair. FML

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By dcsunshine - United States

Today, I was excited to hear that I received three of my grad school recommendations in the mail from a very busy professor. They need to be submitted sealed, and of course, my nosy mom decided to open them. FML

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By meowmeow - Australia

Today, I noticed my kitten was growling and twitching in his sleep. I tried to wake him up by gently prodding him. He responded by waking up and attacking my face. FML

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By brileyyyy - United States

Today, I was sent to the hospital for being knocked out with a potato. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told his best friend to text my sister telling her to tell me that he was breaking up with me. FML

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By Pwnedofthedead - Canada

Today, I was walking to my friends Halloween themed birthday party in my zombie costume. Apparently, my crazy coke addicted neighbor found the costume too realistic. He tackled me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gerber

Today, my boss told me to cut my long hair. After coming back to work with a clean cut hairstyle, he apparently thought I was the new guy, and said I was going to be trained by "The long-haired girly-looking idiot." FML

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By wallbanger - Australia

Today, my seven-year-old sister came to stay at my house for the night. She usually just sleepwalks. But tonight she sleep-peed in my clean clothes basket. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Louisville

Today, I saw my dad pick his teeth with a toothpick from a new box. He ate the food he got out of his teeth and put the toothpick back. FML

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By WatchOut - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I submitted my big assignment to my teacher at 1:55pm. The deadline was 2pm. She rejected it, because her watch read a few minutes after 2pm, and she maintains that the time on her watch is the "real" time. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2020 17:00

Check this out

Today, I ran downstairs to meet the Amazon driver and threw on a shirt in a rush. Only after he left did I realise it was my shirt with artful rips in the design and I'd forgot to put on a vest under it. I'd flashed the driver my entire right boob with nipple piercing through one of the holes. FML

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By fmldailyyy - Ireland

Today, my husband told me he had been cheating on me for the past 8 months. Twenty minutes later, he asked me what was for dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I celebrated my birthday with my family. As part of my presents, my parents gave me prepaid debit card. When I got home, I looked at it again and realized it's the debit card you get from selling back books to our university bookstore. I bought my own books this year. They gave me my own refund. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, army recruiters came to my school and set up some punching bags to attract potential recruits. I gave it a shot, managing to set the highest score at my school and fracture my wrist at the same time. FML

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