Today, while at work in a subscription TV call center, a 71 year... - FML

By Lockie - Australia

Today, while at work in a subscription TV call center, a 71 year old male customer went into explicit detail about the Adult's Only programming that he enjoys, including all the kinky things he learns from said programming and tries out on his 70 year old wife. FML

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Generosity

Optimism

Not a good look

By jemila - United States

Today, I couldn't find my hairbrush anywhere; I ended up having to brush my hair with a fork. FML

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By Sir Davos of Shit Creek - Canada - Frankford

Today, my boss asked if I'd finished my work for the day. I've been binge-watching Game of Thrones this week, and I accidentally replied "Yes, Your Grace," British accent and all. He told me to stow my "sarcasm" or I'd be looking for a new job. FML

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By Vgameboi - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he was showing off pictures of me to co-workers. It wasn't until later that he said, "Don't worry, they were old pictures, from when you were hot." They were from four years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my Spanish test, and I felt very confident. I got the test back later, and saw my teacher had written on it: "Congrats on the 94%, but I know you cheated." FML

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By lerouxmaster

Today, I received a call from child care. Apparently, my four year-old boy tried to start a mosh pit during naptime. FML

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By anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my Muay Thai class. We were doing a combination which consisted of a low kick, body kick and head kick. My partner had already done the low kick so I held the pads for the body kick. He kicked me straight in the jaw. I'm a teenage girl and he's a fully grown man. FML

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By wtfbabe

Today, my husband's dick went in the wrong hole. And by the wrong hole, I mean another man’s anus. FML

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By OutOfLuck - United States

Today, my professor informed me that if I didn't "show more commitment" to my choral ensemble he would give my spot to a "more interested young woman." I missed class to see my neurologist. Apparently my seizures are a symptom of lack of commitment. FML

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By TuT - France

Today, I found my husband in the bathtub, which was filled with blood-red water, motionless and staring blankly at the ceiling. I started screaming and crying, and he burst into laughter at his "hilarious" prank. He only seemed regretful that his video camera hadn't been recording properly. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pasadena

Today, I was on the phone with my senile grandma, when I told her I had to go because I had an appointment at the clinic. For some reason, she assumed I was talking about an abortion clinic, and started raging at me and calling me a murderer. FML

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By jabba - United States

Today, I saw a spider crawling on my new roommate's cheek, so I told her to stand still so that I could flick it off. Several long seconds of flicking made me realize that it wasn't a spider at all. I had been flicking her hairy mole. FML

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By Stoodup

Today I spent an hour getting ready for my first date of the year, only to wait 30 min in the cold and then walking back home by myself. Why didn’t he show up? On his way to the date he got invited for a threesome and decided to do that instead. FML

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By fuckingfloridahowihatethee - United States - Punta Gorda

Today, I was taking the bus to work, when a man sat down beside me. The guy was nuttier than Ron Jeremy's ballsack, and had a face like a shovel and the worst meth mouth I've ever seen. I had to sit there for ages while he frantically muttered to himself and picked at my hair. FML

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By no low five - United States

Today, my fiancé insists that instead of kissing at the crucial moment of our wedding ceremony, we should give each other a high five. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my new $100 electronic cigarette came in the mail. I was so excited to try it out, I used it on the drive to work. The people who sold it to me weren't kidding when they said it looked and felt real. I threw it out the window when I was done. FML

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By okeythen - United States - Orlando

Today, I heard my husband telling his friend that I used to be a skank and was "easier than 1 plus 1" when we first met. I was still a virgin when we got married. FML

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By Ismellbacon - Canada

Today, my girlfriend called me a lazy pig. To prove her wrong, I decided to go lift some weights. A few reps in, my arm cracked and my first reaction was to squeal like a pig. FML

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By CiaoBella

Today, my son said his first word, which was, "Fuck". He got it from my great aunt, who my wife was skeptical of our son meeting because she "says too many bad words". Sorry honey. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, while working at the pet store, I had to feed the snakes. I'd thawed too many mice, so instead of wasting one, I fed it to our turtles. They decided to play tug of war with it, ripping it in half in front of several terrified children. FML

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By well i'm fucked - United States - Aberdeen

Today, my girlfriend of three weeks basically threatened to kill herself if I don't start thinking about having a child with her soon. FML

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By sushichick - 15/4/2020 12:00 - United States - San Jose

Two-stroke

Today, my boyfriend posted a status on Facebook saying what a great girlfriend he had. Flattered, I commented on it, saying that I felt the same about him. Turns out he was talking about his other girlfriend. FML

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By alternativefacts

Today, I confronted my neighbor because he'd been telling my kids that global warming was a myth. He responded with, "Whine all you want, but the swamp is draining and your bullshit liberal narrative is finally going down." He then dumped his trash on my lawn and retreated to his house. FML

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By Kerry - United States

Today, all my friends had a huge party and 'forgot' to invite me. They only remembered about me at 2 am when they called asking for rides home because they were all too drunk to drive. FML

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By anon - United States - Springfield

Today, at work, one of the elderly residents dropped a turd on the floor. I went to go get the nurse but couldn't find her. Upon returning to the scene, another resident picked it up and placed it in my hand, thinking it was mud. Now my nickname at work is 'Nugget'. FML

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By pissedoff - United States - Benton

Today, my morning started off by stepping in my dog's piss by the door. Then, stepping in my husband's piss by the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I discovered that one of our cats is super creepy. He humps the blankets on my mother's bed while staring at her while she's sleeping. FML

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By insideout - United States

Today, I told my parents that I was going out with my boyfriend and they agreed to let me go as long as I was home by midnight. Did I come home on time? Yes. Was my shirt right side out? No. FML

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By gymbob - United States

Today, I was walking on the track when this really cute guy shows up. I was hot and sweaty, and wanted to impress him by pouring water on myself. Instead of being turned on, all he saw was me wiping my face on my shirt screaming. It wasn't water, I forgot I had brought Sprite. FML

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By Uncomfortable

Today, I tried on a new perfume. When my boyfriend hugged me, he commented that I smelled like his mom. I don't know who was more surprised by the simultaneous bulge in his pants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a first date with this girl I've been talking to. I met her and she came with me so I could park my car in the student lot. On the way back, I saw a beat up car with its window duct taped up and exclaimed "Haha! Look at that piece of junk." It was her car. FML

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By tj85 - United States

Today, I received a letter in the mail. The letter was from a woman who explained to me every single detail of a three month affair she had with my husband. She included pictures. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got told that I have a dainty sneeze. It was the closest thing I've had to a compliment I've had in months. FML

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By Noctium - 2/9/2020 14:08 - Australia - Bentley

Anxiety

Today, I realised exactly how bad my social anxiety has gotten when I had a panic attack watching someone ask someone else out on a fictional show. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my moron of a teenager drank lube to lubricate his throat during a coughing fit, thinking it would take away the itchiness in his throat. FML

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By John_Elvis - United States - Valparaiso

Today, I took a girl to a sushi restaurant for our first date. She insisted she's had sushi before, but I had to watch her struggle with the chopsticks for a few minutes before mercifully asking the waitress for a fork. She then ate a fork full of wasabi, thinking it was guacamole. I think there won't be a second date. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I seemingly decided not to remove my foot from the pedal-clip of my bicycle until I had properly introduced myself to the cement. FML

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By WasNotAdopted - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom told me that if I wanted to commit suicide, I should make it seem like a car accident, and not do it in the house, because she would be too embarrassed if people thought she was a bad parent. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pensacola

Today, I got dragged into playing doubles tennis. It was me and my wife against her parents. I wound up hitting the ball too hard. My mother-in-law, who has the reaction times of a comatose turtle, got nailed. Everyone's convinced I did it on purpose because of our mutual hatred of each other. FML

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By FuckSteakNShake

Today, I was fired, all because I asked my manager for help on the line when we were short staffed and he was on his butt in the office. He said it wasn't his job to help us. Apparently, asking your manager for help when you're busy gets you fired. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my ex-boyfriend of over 4 years decided to turn up outside my house at 1am, drunk off his ass, to confess his love for me. When I told him I'd moved on and am happily engaged, he cried on the grass for an hour, then tried to steal my cat. FML

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Top comments

By crasher41 | 0

#151170 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:03

Someone buy that man a beer!! Old people get horny too.

By ZiggyMorrison | 0

#151189 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:06

You should have tried to sell him more porn channels if thats in your job description anyway tell him theres one with old people on each other

COMMENTS

By crasher41 | 0

#151170 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:03

Someone buy that man a beer!! Old people get horny too.

By ZiggyMorrison | 0

#151189 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:06

You should have tried to sell him more porn channels if thats in your job description anyway tell him theres one with old people on each other

By lelo_lala | 0

#151197 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:07

Everybody needs some lovin, even old people!

By Alleandro23 | 0

#151201 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:08

yikes...

By rose5171 | 0

#151214 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:10

lmao!!
how do you respond to something like that lol?!!!

By fatality2009 | 0

#151220 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:10

It's not a FYL -_-"
It's FHisL

By toolman | 0

#151232 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:13

why fuck HIS life? i wonder if u will still have sex with 71. id be proud too

By Julle_fml | 0

#151240 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:14

You must love your job :P

By jam26 | 0

#151250 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:17

I hope that when I'm 70 someone will still wanna throw it to me and try new things.

it does suck that you had to hear all about it.

By Big_Blue_Sumthin | 0

#151258 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:19

At least he was not trying to come onto you or talking about using his left hand. Upside!