Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend decided to be very naughty and placed her... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 460

You deserved it 121

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 189

You deserved it 1 608

02/10/2009 19:30

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend decided to be very naughty and placed her underwear in my backpack. I wish she had told me, because it slipped into a folder that contained my project data for my professor. So, after class, I got sent to the Dean of Students' office to talk about sexual harassment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 210

You deserved it 3 288

Another great day to be alive

The past that suits you best

Chemical warfare

08/07/2012 21:13

Today, I paid a social visit to my grandparents. While we were watching the news, a story came on about the Queen of England. I scoffed, "How is she not dead already? How old is she, anyway?" My grandmother replied, "About my age." Oops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 536

You deserved it 42 679

28/10/2018 17:30

Today, I found out that my 6-year-old son was named after my wife's "Favorite Uncle" because he might also be the father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 881

You deserved it 204

14/03/2010 20:14

Today, I found out that the only reason my ex husband calls my son anymore, is to ask him to send him things on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 437

You deserved it 2 512

Kids these days…

By Anonymous - 26/04/2021 16:59

Today, my mom asked me what I did with the first paycheck from my first "big girl" job. I told her I paid down my credit debt like a responsible adult. She rolled her eyes and said she was disappointed in me for not treating myself. She was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 375

You deserved it 77

22/09/2010 21:39

Today, I got into my car and realised that my CDs were no longer in my glove box. According to the police, the random key code for my car type has been cracked, and thieves can now let themselves in whenever they want. The manufacturer says they can't do anything about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 627

You deserved it 3 164

13/01/2019 04:00

Today, I'm a chef and I had a new set of knives delivered. My boss says to me, ''Be careful with your new knives, they're going to be sharp. You don't want to cut your nail off.'' Not 2 minutes later I chop my whole nail off my right index. He jinxed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 168

You deserved it 934

25/06/2019 05:00

Today, I was running with two other women when a guy started tailing us in his car and catcalling. I quickly got fed up and gave him the finger. Turns out, he's the husband of one of the women I was running with. For the next half hour, I had to listen to her go on about how adorable he was. She totally saw what I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 739

You deserved it 338

29/06/2011 20:41

Today, I got asked on a date. I was later told we had to cancel. Why? My ex is parked in front of his house and he is afraid to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 769

You deserved it 3 951

Insurance is a scam: Tokyo drift

By Jules - 12/01/2021 23:07

Today, if you have a job in my country, you automatically have health insurance. Without a job, you can get “voluntary insurance”. No, let me rephrase that: You are legally required to get “voluntary” insurance. Whether you can afford it or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 746

You deserved it 114

Unloved

By dan - 13/08/2020 17:01

Today, I found out that all of the times my mom told me that she was busy out of town wasn’t due to work, it was that she was going on vacations with her boyfriend and his kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 515

You deserved it 101

Blackout drunk

By MagnusDeus - 07/06/2015 15:46

Today, I left a concert with my drunk mother who had spilled beer all over my shirt. I drove her home and she slept it off. Later, my mom "found" my shirt in the laundry and grounded me for drinking behind her back. She won't believe me that it was her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 755

You deserved it 1 744

11/02/2013 04:01

Today, I got left in the middle of slow dancing with a girl I liked. She came back and said, "Sorry, I had to make sure the guy I really like knows that I don't like you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 509

You deserved it 2 531

Romance is dead

By ipopnlok - 29/06/2009 06:31

Today, I planned a romantic dinner with rose petals, the whole lot, for my ex-girlfriend to win her back. When I took her to my house, I told her to guess what I had planned, to which she replied, "I hope it's not a stupid romantic dinner with rose petals and shit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 740

You deserved it 14 838

23/02/2013 01:47

Today, I took my driver's test. I did everything flawlessly, but my examiner kept all but pissing his pants throughout. He yelled, "ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US KILLED?!" when I drove past a traffic light just as it was about to turn red. The road was almost empty. He failed me on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 722

You deserved it 52 456

01/08/2016 15:14

Today, on the bus ride home from work, two women behind me kept pulling my hair. I turned around and told them to, "cut it out." When I got home, I realized they'd took it literally. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 974

You deserved it 1 544

11/09/2013 09:30

Today, my girlfriend invited me over for the first time. I pulled up to her house just to be denied at the front door by her mum. She'd invited me over to break up with me, but had her mum do it for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 952

You deserved it 3 724

Turn of phrase

By Anonymous - 07/03/2015 16:59

Today, my son was at a birthday party. After eating a plate of cake, he loudly asked the birthday boy's mum if he could have sloppy seconds. I don't know where he heard that phrase, but the other kids' parents shot me very dirty looks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 872

You deserved it 3 286

12/12/2016 18:43

Today one of my flatmates told the rest of us to stop using the toilet after 10pm cause he's a light sleeper and the flushing noise wakes him up. After arguing about it, he gave us his 'permission' to use the toilet, but only if we don't flush until the next day. Guess who is always the first to wake up? FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 478

You deserved it 691

21/01/2011 19:46

Today, after months of living with my roommate's horrific snoring, I looked over to see her sleeping quietly. Elated that I might actually get a full night of rest for once, I went to bed. Just as my eyelids began to droop, she started making vile hissing sounds. Yes, hissing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 407

You deserved it 2 844

17/06/2016 22:37

Today, I found a new way to tell if my girlfriend is on her period. If she responds to "Want me to get you anything while I'm at the store?" by screaming "God just fuck off, you cunt!" then bursting into tears, the answer is a definite yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 948

You deserved it 1 382

31/08/2011 20:15

Today, I witnessed my neighbor draining his sewage-clogged plumbing into my backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 465

You deserved it 1 936

09/04/2009 22:11

Today, I told my ex boyfriend I lost 20 lbs because of the stress of the break up. His response was "you're welcome." FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 349

You deserved it 27 768

10/04/2012 02:33

Today, my dad found out that there is a free, 24 hour, 7 days a week religious channel. Now that's all he watches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 283

You deserved it 2 938

13/09/2018 13:00

Today, I asked a customer three times before he saw the doctor if he had any medical insurance and he replied "no" each time. Paying his bill out of pocket, this dude had the nerve to ask, "So why didn't my medical insurance cover this?" He had coverage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 889

You deserved it 139

True Love Waits

By anonomus - 01/06/2010 01:35

Spicy

Today, my husband and I had sex for the first time because we pledged we wouldn't have sex until we were married. He's terrible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 573

You deserved it 70 134

14/05/2019 18:00

Today, at work where I'm a physiotherapist, I was helping a patient with lower back pain. While I was massaging him, he shat himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 985

You deserved it 117

18/09/2015 02:18

Today, I was driving students home on my school bus. I looked up in time to see a student wipe what would be one of many boogers across the window. As I'm cleaning the window, I tell her, "This is disgusting." Her reply? "No, it's not. It's PERFECT!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 016

You deserved it 1 734

01/09/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was going to take a nap. When I asked him why he wanted to take a nap in the middle of the day, he said, "To make time go by faster." He's leaving in 9 days. We're going to be 3,000 miles apart. For a long time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 646

You deserved it 235

01/07/2016 22:35

Today, I saw my ex best friend and my cheating ex-girlfriend hanging out at the gym, where I work. They signed up here just to piss me off. It's working. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 338

You deserved it 1 117

31/01/2010 05:01

Spicy

Today, I got to talk to the guy I like. Thinking it would be about something pleasant. I was completely wrong. It was about the guy who sits in front of me and his masturbation problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 559

You deserved it 3 150

19/10/2012 18:27

Today, our kids left for the weekend so that my wife and I could have some much-needed alone time. We've been fighting a lot recently and really need some time to have fun together. Now it turns out that she doesn't want to be around me because of the fighting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 011

You deserved it 5 763

What's that?

By Best-stuf-on-Earth - 12/07/2009 07:07

Spicy

Today, I had a check-up with my dermatologist. When I took off my pants, she noticed a small mark on my penis and was concerned. I had to inform her that it was not in fact a mole, but a bruise from getting it stuck in a Snapple bottle two days prior to the check-up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 326

You deserved it 78 190

07/08/2019 04:00

Today, I was shut in a boiling hot room with six children: a 10-year-old who kept shouting, a belligerent 7-year-old, two 5-year-olds who thought hitting me was funny and two 2-year-olds, who wouldn't stop crying. Their parents were just outside, laughing away, ignoring me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 597

You deserved it 178

Gamers rise up

By Anonymous - 19/04/2021 12:00

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after 2 years of being together. The reason? I don't enjoy playing video games as much as he does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 819

You deserved it 148

01/01/2018 20:00

Spicy

Today, I had another lucid dream. Like every time I lucid dream, I immediately started having tons of dream sex. That would've been fine if I hadn't been taking a nap on the living room couch in the middle of the day. The entire family heard my squirming and moaning and saw me nut my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 535

You deserved it 2 604

05/12/2009 05:15

Today, we brought our Christmas tree inside to decorate. We decorated it, then went out to dinner as a family. Returning 2 hours later, we came back to find our living room to be occupied. Not with people. The tree had been filled with baby spiders, and they were all over the living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 331

You deserved it 3 510

Pleased to meet you

By Cookie Monster nom nom - 17/05/2021 15:01

Today, I went out on a date with a cute girl. Everything was going great, until the food arrived. She not only shoveled food into her mouth like it was going to run away, she also smacked, sucked her fingers and laughed out loud with her mouth completely full. It was like dining with a 5-year-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 968

You deserved it 144

20/06/2009 03:17

Today, I went to a restaurant and only brought $14 with me to eat. I ordered and ate my meal, then went to the counter to pay for it. I threw $2 into the tip jar then got my bill. My bill was $13.86. I had to reach into the tip jar and take my $2 back so I could pay for my meal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 270

You deserved it 55 939

15/01/2013 20:53

Today, I got a new girlfriend. Unfortunately, the last girl I asked out just responded to my relationship request on Facebook. It's been 4 hours, and my new girlfriend already thinks I'm cheating on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 468

You deserved it 46 585

11/06/2012 20:44

Today, I woke up to a weird feeling on my face. Thinking it was a bug, I slapped at it. It was my freshly-inserted nose ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 229

You deserved it 34 999

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Friday 2 October 2009 23:16

At least it wasn't a dildo...

pyromaniac222222 0

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Friday 2 October 2009 23:15

Did you ask for them back?

Comments

where_i_stood 0

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Friday 2 October 2009 23:13

looool, ah, that sucks

Offspring_fml 27

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Friday 2 October 2009 23:15

I concur, I'd hate if that happened to me. :/

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Saturday 3 October 2009 0:59

Did you take the pants and sniff them? I do not know how that counts as sexual harrassment. Has anyone on here heard of spill.com? Just a big fan and I want to know if people are as happy as me.

Reyo 2

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Sunday 4 October 2009 4:53

Your girlfrien'd not very clever when it comes to pranks is she? "HA! I put my underwear in your backpack!" OMG, maybe she'll put them in the FRIDGE NEXT! Oh she's so witty. *runs off giggling*

Witchcraft_fml 4

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Sunday 4 October 2009 21:03

Lmao, #44.

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Friday 9 October 2009 7:57

It wasn't a prank. dur

Flamersplamer 0

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Friday 2 October 2009 23:14

second

Flamersplamer 0

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Friday 2 October 2009 23:17

pfft, someone decided to negative vote spam, nice.

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Saturday 3 October 2009 2:09

Shame, you failed twice on a fail site.

Flamersplamer 0

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Saturday 3 October 2009 16:27

oh you fail jackass. shame you have no life and need to sit on a site telling people they fail.

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Tuesday 13 October 2009 3:31

im pretty sure you just told someone they failed while sitting at a website....

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Wednesday 11 January 2012 21:56

But you just wasted your time telling him he failed!!! 0.o People confuse me sometimes

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Friday 2 October 2009 23:14

I hope they were clean?

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Friday 2 October 2009 23:14

so that WAS your project data, right?

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Friday 2 October 2009 23:15

Next Lesson: Where to place underwear after some fun in the school bathroom. There's your example for the class.

pyromaniac222222 0

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Friday 2 October 2009 23:15

Did you ask for them back?

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Friday 2 October 2009 23:16

At least it wasn't a dildo...

allmidnighteyes 10

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Friday 2 October 2009 23:24

or a drilldo

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Saturday 3 October 2009 0:00

Drilldo? Intriguing.....tell me more of this mystical object.

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Saturday 3 October 2009 0:09

hahaha wow congratulations, you just expanded my vocabulary :D

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Thursday 24 June 2010 18:17

its a weapon. dangerous.

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Friday 2 October 2009 23:17

At least your professor didn't like it. THAT would be an FML. (Sorry if this shows up twice. The site ate my comment.)

Amysbodybetrayal 0

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Friday 2 October 2009 23:46

Hey now, even the website gets hungry sometimes! Sorry, that was bad. xD I couldn't resist.

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Friday 2 October 2009 23:17

aha, lucky old you. if my girlfriend did that, a) i'd have seen them before i got to class, and b) i would be very surprised. haven't even got pants off yet.

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Friday 2 October 2009 23:25

Neither you nor your girlfriend know what 'really naughty' means yet. I've never seen someone put panties in a backpack in a porno.. Now your gf owes you. Sweet!

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Saturday 3 October 2009 0:17

Agreed number 13, now she owes him some. Heh heh all right.