Kids: Today, my son learned that when you slide a mug across the kitchen...

By Bruce - 02/02/2012 03:11 - United States

Today, my son learned that when you slide a mug across the kitchen table, it doesn't stop where you expect it to like in the old cartoons. I then learned what it feels like to have a full mug of hot chocolate spilled onto my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 430

You deserved it 3 389

Kids

Dysfunctional

Stop talking!

Classic switcheroo

At least it wasn't rotting coconut?

By Getmeoutofhere - 10/08/2017 17:15 - Australia

Today, I was masturbating when my dad came into my room to say goodnight. He leaned down over my bed, paused, and said "What's that smell? It's like... oh." His face dropped and he left the room. I don't think he'll ever see me the same way again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 282

You deserved it 1 056

By unsuccessful popping - 18/06/2015 20:09 - United States - Tappan

Today, a woman bitched me out at the grocery store, saying that since I'm not Indian, I shouldn't be wearing a bindi - a red dot on my forehead - because it's "cultural appropriation". I was too embarrassed to tell her it was actually a pimple I'd been trying to pop on my forehead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 214

You deserved it 2 832

By Anonymous - 20/07/2019 22:06

Today, I had someone place two separate to-go orders, so that he could use two of his "25% off" coupons. He couldn't understand why it wasn't 50% off his total bill, no matter how many times I plainly explained it to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 829

You deserved it 110

Did you get your shots?

By It_gets_better - 02/12/2021 04:59

Today, my 75 year-old grandparents, who stubbornly refuse to be vaccinated, asked me to pick up their meds after they got COVID. I left work early to avoid the pharmacy line. After dropping them off, their pharmacy called: they didn't give me all of the meds, so I had to go back and wait another two hours in line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 678

You deserved it 118

By LeChameauTrisomique - 14/03/2014 04:33 - France - Saint-germain-de-la-grange

Today, in the middle of a Spanish oral exam, I start to panic. My teacher suggests I say whatever pops into my head. I blurt out, "Heeey Macarena!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 534

You deserved it 8 922

By egghead - 23/09/2011 08:31 - United Kingdom

Today, I was introducing my American cousin to the peaceful English village I live in. Just as I was reassuring her that the people were very friendly and welcoming, a car drove past and pelted us with eggs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 985

You deserved it 3 203

Mr Commitment

By Anonymous - 05/09/2019 00:01

Today, I asked the person I love to commit to me. Instead, he packed his shit and moved out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 595

You deserved it 407

By Anonymous - 04/05/2013 13:32 - United States - San Leandro

Today, I had to share my room with my cousin while she stayed over. I let her take my bed while I slept on the floor. Not only do my back and neck hurt, but I had to clean vomit out of my hair. Apparently, she "wasn't feeling well" last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 683

You deserved it 4 545

By Jaws - 10/02/2011 16:09 - France

Today, I got slapped in the face by my girlfriend with a banana skin, because I finished up the chocolate cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 749

You deserved it 38 513

By momac86 - 19/01/2015 06:34 - United States

Today, I lost a sewing needle in the carpet. No worries, my big toe found it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 116

You deserved it 4 196

By Walking in a Winter Wonderland - 12/09/2016 10:51 - United States - Jupiter

Today, my dandruff got so bad that when I sneezed on the bus, it created a "blizzard" of dandruff, covering me, and two others in it. I'm now known as "Winter Wonderland". FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 286

You deserved it 2 867

You hear me?

By cuz803 - 10/04/2021 20:00

Today, due to the lack of social interaction because of COVID-19, I began talking and acting aggressively to myself almost every moment. It's grown so noticeable that my parents and sister mimic me as a way to mock me. Family bonding for the win, right? FML

I agree, your life sucks 631

You deserved it 320

Hobbies and Interests

By Hireme - 08/07/2018 01:30

Today, after being unemployed for the last year, I finally got an interview. When they asked me my favorite pastime, I panicked and said, "Dancing with my cat." I guess I won’t be hearing from them anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 490

You deserved it 1 066

By j3r3zana16 - 31/10/2011 08:30 - Canada

Today, while parking, I accidentally hit my landlord's daughter's brand new car. I made a huge dent in the side door. I thought nobody was home, so I quickly went to my room. Turns out they were having a barbecue outside and saw the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 369

You deserved it 51 671

By anonymous - 16/10/2014 20:53 - United States - Canton

Today, I walked into my house and saw it was flooded. I went upstairs to the bathroom to see the toilet overflowing and my boyfriend holding my dog over it so he could drink it. My boyfriend said he didn't know what else to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 057

You deserved it 4 042

By Dominique Richards - 20/02/2018 19:00

Today, I went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. When I woke up I found out they pulled the wrong one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 701

You deserved it 215

By heck - 12/08/2016 13:57

Today, I took a drug test. Not only did I fail the drug test, but I mostly missed the sample cup and got urine all over my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 131

You deserved it 18 407

Classy

By 1234 - 11/07/2009 16:41 - Canada

Today, it was my wedding day. I had my butt clenched during the ceremony. I was giving my husband the ring, but dropped it. When I went to retrieve it, I let a huge one rip. My husband yelled, "She likes to eat beans." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 478

You deserved it 10 405

Itchy and Scratchy

By Anonymous - 06/04/2020 20:00 - Australia

Today, I put a collar on my dog to get rid of his fleas. Good news? He doesn't have fleas anymore. Bad news? They've moved onto the rest of my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 494

You deserved it 324

By crippled - 08/07/2014 08:40 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I helped my dad push our broken-down truck from the driveway onto the tire ramp. Truck didn't make it; neither did my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 122

You deserved it 4 269

By ohdang - 12/08/2009 06:20 - United States

Today, whilst babysitting, I broke a glass. I explained to the kid that it was very important not to walk barefoot around where it had happened, because of the tiny bits of glass. He jumped back, scared, and while doing so tripped. I rushed to help him and ran through the broken glass. Barefoot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 285

You deserved it 12 845

By NowBubbleWrapSucks - 27/05/2018 20:30

Today, my mom went into a full war against dirt and plastic-wrapped our entire house. The floor, furniture, even our feet now have to be covered in plastic. Everything squeaks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 490

You deserved it 238

By Thankshun - 04/03/2013 23:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I was selfish for "choosing" to start my period on his day off from work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 334

You deserved it 6 602

Strong bonds

By Anonymous - 02/05/2009 08:12 - United States

Today, my 6 year-old daughter asked, "What would happen to me if you and daddy died?" I told her that she'd probably live with her Uncle Ant and Aunt Ilene. She looked at me and said, "You guys can die. I won't cry. I get everything I want over there." FML

I agree, your life sucks 102 345

You deserved it 9 996

By SquirrellyGirl - 15/07/2019 22:00

Today, my brother asked if I could babysit his kids tomorrow. I declined, as tomorrow is my birthday and I have plans. This isn't the first time he's forgotten my birthday, and I doubt it'll be the last. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 672

You deserved it 105

Attraction

By Anonymous - 26/07/2021 11:01

Today, I realized I'm extremely sexually attracted to my physical therapist. It doesn't help that treatment involves me spending the entire appointment naked from the waist down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 918

You deserved it 129

One man and his lawn

By Anonymous - 14/09/2021 16:00 - United States - Little Rock

Today, my husband, who rarely helps with big projects around the house, offered to help me with our mess of a backyard. An hour and a half into the project, and an hour and a half after he disappeared from the backyard, I found him mowing and edging the front. Our front yard was immaculate and didn't need mowed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 771

You deserved it 95

By Anonymous - 05/01/2011 18:35 - United States

Today, I was driving back from school 100 miles away from my home with my fiancé and dog. While stopping for gas, we accidentally left our car keys and cell phones in the car. The dog sat on one of the keys and engaged the locks. We were locked out of the car until the tow truck arrived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 824

You deserved it 21 582

By TKPhai - 05/04/2015 03:06 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my parents, my aunt and her husband went out to dinner. There, my aunt told us that she was pregnant, and out of instinct, I asked her who the father is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 148

You deserved it 16 421

Always Google things before accepting

By Anonymous - 29/11/2021 17:02

Today, after a coworker had invited me over for a "Mukbang" and I'd agreed, thinking it was just some sort of exotic delicacy, I found out that he expected me to eat like a million calories of food on camera for his YouTube channel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 599

You deserved it 380

By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 17:32 - United States - San Dimas

Today, I met my neighbors for the first time, as they helped me carry my dead cat off the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 104

You deserved it 3 130

By shilpajayseanfan - 24/02/2009 13:43 - Canada

Today, I drove into my school. Literally drove into my school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 215

You deserved it 54 482

Benny Goodman classic

By Anonymous - 24/02/2021 17:00 - United States

Today, like every other day for the past two weeks, my husband was not in the mood for sex. He told me this while masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 126

You deserved it 143

By HoboWithACondom - 31/08/2019 16:01

Today, my boss fired me because he found out I'm dating his daughter. Now I'm concerned what he might do if he finds out she's pregnant with my child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 600

You deserved it 717

Once bitten…

By Ben Moy - 02/02/2021 07:57 - United States - Wallingford

Today, after worrying for years about grinding my teeth after various dentists mentioned seeing evidence. Apparently, this worry manifested as subconsciously putting my tongue in the way at night, to the point where I have an open bite at 39 when I never had a problem before. I can't bite through sushi or sandwiches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 668

You deserved it 95

Why I did that?

By Anonymous - 29/02/2020 14:00

Today, I was trying to shave down there. I'm about 6 months pregnant, and I can't see past my belly. I ended up scaring the crap out of myself into thinking I was miscarrying until my baby kicked and I realized I had just accidentally cut myself with the razor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 319

You deserved it 768

Keep it down

By Help - 26/11/2011 06:03 - United States

Today, it's the second week into my new neighbors' routine. He works nights, she works days. He likes to blast out Slayer and Napalm Death all day, she likes to drunkenly sing out of tune to Adele all night. I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 661

You deserved it 2 494

By RotoRooter - 17/04/2009 07:29 - United States

Today, I was about to get it on with a girl in the bathroom of my friend's house at a party. Just when things started getting heated, a pipe burst. Literally. There was water everywhere and everyone had to evacuate the building. I was cockblocked by poor plumbing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 328

You deserved it 12 587

The long goodbye

By fml9124 - 14/11/2020 11:02

Today, my 79-year-old mom who has Alzheimer's fondly remembered all the wild sex she had with me back in the 1960s. I wasn't born then. She thinks I'm my dad, who died 15 years ago. In all of our conversations now, she talks to me as if she is talking to her husband and some of the talks turn racy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 385

You deserved it 73

By publicenemy - 15/09/2009 12:16 - United States

Today, I was first in line at a stoplight. After five minutes, with a line of cars behind me, the light was still red. People behind me started honking, so I decided to just go. Halfway across the way, I was greeted by a camera flash. Nobody else went. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 610

You deserved it 54 954

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Top comments

derpster 7

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Thursday 2 February 2012 8:40

hot crotch buns. GET IT? anyone? no? ok..

WCARlover 34

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Thursday 2 February 2012 8:42

And from that day on, you were sterile

derpster 7

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Thursday 2 February 2012 8:38

first. sorry, got excited, that's on my bucket list. :3

elliottemoose 1

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Thursday 2 February 2012 8:39

That wouldn't feel to great now would it :-/

enonymous 8

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Thursday 2 February 2012 8:52

Anyone else's panties get wet and their nipples hard like mine just did after reading this fml?

WCARlover 34

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Thursday 2 February 2012 9:08

I think it would feel wonderful actually...:p

GoW_Chick 14

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Thursday 2 February 2012 11:16

"I'm hot blooded, about 103, my crotch feels like it's on fire, can't someone help me please?!" That's what popped into my head when I read this.

ShyAnn29 14

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Thursday 2 February 2012 13:11

8, you're definitely not the only one! I got pretty hot myself!

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Thursday 2 February 2012 18:41

Where'd comment #1 go?

Poopolicious 5

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Friday 3 February 2012 6:29

But on the bright side your cock taste delicious and is heated already! Ready to e served:)

derpster 7

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Thursday 2 February 2012 8:40

hot crotch buns. GET IT? anyone? no? ok..

GovernorGeneral 8

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Thursday 2 February 2012 9:49

OH OH ME ME MEEE. I GET IT SIR!!

GovernorGeneral 8

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Thursday 2 February 2012 9:50

Yes id like a cookie for those of you who are thinking to give me one. C:

ban_anaa 0

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Thursday 2 February 2012 10:29

Damn. I meant to give you a thumbs down #21. My mistake.

KeyboardWarrior 10

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Thursday 2 February 2012 17:57

24 Cool story bro, want a cookie? Too bad, I already gave it to the governor.

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Thursday 2 February 2012 18:40

I don't get it. Then again, I don't get hot beverages poured over my crotch either ;)

camochick27 4

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Thursday 2 February 2012 18:43

Hot "cross" buns is what he was getting at... Lmao.

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Thursday 2 February 2012 18:48

This planet is full of idiots...

ryanross 11

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Thursday 2 February 2012 19:42

Thanks #43, I don't think anyone would have understood the joke if it weren't for you.

99problems99 0

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Friday 3 February 2012 4:41

The tourettes guy does actually when some guy opens a door

Dojan 16

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Friday 3 February 2012 4:59

46 - I wouldn't have understood it. I have never heard of "hot cross buns" before.

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Friday 3 February 2012 6:17

57- it wasn't hot. And, you can't do SHIT without your BALLS!!

GovernorGeneral 8

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Friday 3 February 2012 6:33

39- thanks ;) 44- so are all the others...

WCARlover 34

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Thursday 2 February 2012 8:42

And from that day on, you were sterile

justmyswag 9

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Tuesday 23 July 2013 1:53

And then his son learned what a good old fashioned ass whoopin felt like.

flockz 19

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Thursday 2 February 2012 8:43

i just think you made a lousy attempt at a catch, butterfingers. now excuse me, i'm going to go hunt me some wabbits. i saw it in this cartoon once.

ilove80smetal 8

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Thursday 2 February 2012 17:45

Dear lord do you not watch bugs bunny!

BeatifulPenguin 4

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Monday 16 April 2012 4:46

I love your pic!!!

olibuur 9

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Thursday 2 February 2012 8:43

fireeeee crotch

MSheary1993 1

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Thursday 2 February 2012 19:47

I would post why this doesn't make sense but then I saw you were asian and realized you can't open your eyes wide enough to read properly.

EpicSquishii 21

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Thursday 2 February 2012 8:59

On the bright side, Jr. just might have negated the chance if a repeat performance by a future child. Sterility FTW!

MandyMeow_fml 18

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Thursday 2 February 2012 9:05

Well he had to learn someday that things don't always work the same as they do in cartoons.. Unfortunately for you he was drinking a scolding hot beverage at the time.

HeXr 22

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Thursday 2 February 2012 21:47

*scalding

BeatifulPenguin 4

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Monday 16 April 2012 4:49

Grammar. Duh. Jk! Even though people say it like it's with an 'o', it's not... Thanks # 50! For helping rid the world of the not-really-a-word-word 'scolding'.